Convincing a CG they have a problem

Sorry Stressed I know how frustrated you are but there is NOTHING you or anybody else is going to say/do to make hime see the light. It just doesn't work like that. :(. The only way he is going to see it's a problem is when it becomes "his" problem not you doing the research and footwork to guide him along and save him "one last time".

Sorry to sound harsh and a downer but 9 years of experience of what you are going thru has taught me a lot. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Letting him deal with this will hopefully bring him to his rock bottom much faster.

Try and LET GO!

Hi stressed parent ,GC's have an addiction and like any other addict ,we will lie ,cheat and deny it to others and ourselfs to feed and continue that addiction. Do not bail him out ,any money you or anyone else gives him now will for sure get gambled away. ask him to read these forums and stories ,and see what awaits him if he continues down this path. If he in total denial then maybe you need to see the doctors,and hopefully he can help . A GA meeting will be full of helpfull people as well . To be honest though ,unless he admits that he is a compulsive gambler and trysto stop there is very little practical that you or anyone else can do . He needs to hopefully understand the nature of this lifelong addiction ,and to be brutal about it ...no more bail outs or lies to gain money will be a start . I wish you well !

A

Hi stressed parent. It's awful when you first find out that your son has gotten into this position isn't it. I was like you, I researched, I read, I joined here to find out as much information as I could to try and help my son, who was also in denial at that time. Fast forward four months since finding out and my son is doing well. His anger has subsided, he has said 'the words' his bills are getting paid and he has been gamble free for the whole of February. This forum has been a great help with information and advice. Some advice I took, some I didn't. For example I paid my sons missed payments on his car loan as without his car he would have lost his job which would have made the situation 100 times worse. We have access to his bank accounts, have his bank card and transfer money to another card for him. My son was in a vicious circle of working, gambling, payday loans. He would never have sorted this out on his own, his head was in a turmoil. so right or wrong yes I did take charge and we sorted it out. This so far has worked for us. I don't like that I have to look after his money for him but know this is necessary. Although I have helped him sort things out I havnt let him take advantage nor have I been a pushover, there have been conditions. Only you know what is the right thing for you and for your son, it is hard but he can overcome this especially if he realises he has a problem and works with you to get into recovery. Take care wcid

Thanks all, some good advice.

I personally have decided NOT to help him out financially, bar maybe some essential bills that need paying to help him keep trading in the short term. This is the first time he has come to me for help, but I'm certainly not taking out a big loan to pay off his current loans, so he can pay the monthly installments. I've realised that might happen initially, but he soon start deferring, and I'll be left with the debt.

I understand he needs to start feeling some of the pain he has just passed onto his mother in the past. She's made an error feeding his addiction, (not laying any blame, she probably believed she was doing the right thing at the time), but thankfully I've realised from advice here and qualified counsellors that is the worst thing I can do for him. And then yes, I would just end up stressed and resentful I have a loan I can't really afford.

I'm hoping by that by putting the onus on him to go to StepChange or similar, in order to take steps to manage his loan himself might be the way forward. Of course I'll help him as much as I can in that process, but is that likely to get him to finally wake up to the fact he has a serious problem? I guess every CG is different, so this is probably a question no-one can really answer? Just wondered if anyone had any tips?

Hi stressed parent, I'm sorry I can't answer that, I used to think I had my head round everything and then something would happen and id be confused again. In my sons case he didn't think he had a problem he thought £300 a week was acceptable to gamble! Of course it wasn't acceptable and the missed car payments and burying his head in the sand weren't acceptable either. I decided I didn't want my son to get to this 'rock bottom' that people talk of. I wanted him to face up to the fact that he did have a problem. Although he never actually said those words 'I have a gambling problem' by letting us have access to his accounts at all times and us having his bank cards was enough to show me he knew himself he had a problem. The words weren't important to me, however he did eventually say 'the words'. There are cg on here who have said the words time and time again, they have admitted to themselves and family they have a gambling problem but continue to struggle with this addiction. It is so hard for them and everyone involved. is there any possibilities your son would hand over his finances to you? My son phoned his pay day loans up whilst I was with him and put me on as a named person who could talk about the account. Me and my son are working together to tackle this, he needed the help to sort it all out unless he would have have been on this merry go round until he had cracked I think. Maybe 'cracked' is the rock bottom. Everyone situation is different, I didn't want to wait for my sons 'rock bottom'. Yes there were heated arguments, I wanted to scream at him, we didn't like each other very much but that turned around and now he is doing really well. I hope your son can let you in. He can change if he admits to himself he has a problem. Wcid

Thank you WCID,

I suppose as I write this, my son is ignoring my emails and text messages, as he is angry with me for not bailing him out, and thinks I am an idiot because I said he has all illness/addiction, which he needs to face up to and get proper help for.

He has always had a bit of a short fuse, and I see now, that might be partly due to the gambling?

I'm hoping he will see sense, as now his mother won't bail him out anymore, and I have refused at his first time of asking, he may see the light.

I know I need to remain strong and not give him the easy option again that his mother has provided so many times before, and I'm hoping my shutting off any access to to another cop out, my actions will be enough to get him to at least start taking some responsibility for his actions. It's all very early days, as I only found out Tuesday, and since then he has gone into hiding. He needs to return to his mother fairly soon though, if he needs to get fresh clothes etc. and his step father helps him with his work, so he can't avoid him either for long (he doesn't know the problem), so I'm hoping he will see sense when he realises he can't run away from the problem any longer. And yes, I think he might let his mother control his accounts, she has said she has had passwords in the past, but who knows? I don't think he would let me at the moment, as he sees me as a father who won't help him out and the enemy.

Glad your son is doing well, good to hear some positives on here, amongst all the horror stories and negatives 🙂

Hi stressed parent, oh I remember the the ignored text messages as well and the mood changes in seconds!, the made up stories, excuses for everything. My son works away from home, back home every other weekend, we would hardly see him when he was home, he avoided us. Now we know why. Once everything was out in the open he did change, I think he was relieved really. He still has limited money, he gets fed up of having limited money but as we've discussed this is because of his actions, of the gambling. His credit score is damaged with defaults on payday loans and car payments, this will take time to build up, these are damages he didn't take into account. You can get your sons credit file, I used credit Angel, I used my own email account and entered his details. Some would say that was dishonest, I say it was a necessity at that time. He knows now that I have done it and I look every week to check there's been no new applications. I hope your wife can stay strong when your son goes home, it is very difficult, my husband was stronger than me, but that helped me as in the end I used to say 'ask your dad'. We often used to say to each other 'he must think we're stupid!' When he was spinning us a tale. Hopefully it won't be long until your son can see he does have a problem and you are trying to help. Then you can all sit down and make a plan together. It's hard isn't it! Take care wcid.

Thanks WCID

Things have moved on a bit, his mother has buckled again, but at least only partially this time, so I think all the stories you and others put on here has helped a bit from that point of view.

He's sending her a daily snapshot of his account, and giving her any spare cash he has, and seems to be selling stuff to try and pay off some of his debts.

He has admitted to her he has a problem, and they have some things set in place to try and alleviate that.

On the one hand, I really hope he proves me wrong for not bailing him out, but terrible though it seems, I'm still sceptical.

At least this time she hasn't just rolled over and given him a clean slate to start the vicious circle again.

Watch this space, but hopefully I'll be reporting some positive things on here soon.

SP

Hi sp every little step helps. At least he is willing to take some steps now so that is progress isn't it. It is also good he is sending snapshots of his bank account. I know you will be sceptical and will be wondering if he is telling the truth about everything. I am still like that to a certain extent. I worry when my son has cash instead of his card as I worry he is gambling with it. We can't help ourselves, were parents, I think they know we are trying to help them even though it may be tough love at times. I would be happy with that progress, but be prepared for the long haul with keeping an eye on your son. Wcid.

Hi SP, every small step helps and your son has made some positive steps there so I would be happy with that progress. Learning to trust our lads again is a tough one. We have to be prepared to carry on long term keeping an eye on them and let them know that's what we are doing. They might not like what we are doing at times but hopefully will realise we're doing it out of love. Wcid

Sorry sp thought first post hadn't posted so wrote another! Wcid

Agree with others - do not bail him out! I've been bailed out a couple of times and guess what happened next....more gambling and more losses. Seriously do not mug yourself off. It's your son's problem and some tough love is required. Let him deal with it - it's the only way he'll learn.

While I agree with detrimental on some things, everyone one is different. In my case if I hadn't have helped my son sort his problem out he would have been in a worse position than he was. It's not all about bailing them out with money it's also important that they know there is someone there who is willing to support them, make a plan of action with them, help them look after their finances and have someone to talk to. Yes it is their addiction but to know there is support from someone must make them feel better. Wcid

Thanks, some good advice from both of you. I'm glad I stood my ground, at least he knows the buck stops with his mother in terms of hand outs, and he hopefully realises that pond has virtually dried up! Some challenging times ahead I fear, but at least this time if he goes off the rails, he will need to take my advice and get some professional help!