I'm just ranting to myself, so please feel free to ignore me, but I'm going to feel a helluva lot better once I offload.
I like to think I have a reasonably good handle on my failings. I drink too much, I smoke too much, lord knows I gamble too much. I just seem to have no "stop" mechanism, when it comes to wanting to feel alive and good. I NEED the dopamine reward adrenaline coursing through my veins. "Normal" life never did, and still doesn't cut it for me.
I'm not unique, my grubby addictions are nothing special, in fact they are text-book to every other sad-sack out there who has a massive ego but low self-esteem and seeks to self-medicate their anxiety/depression/general unhappiness with the hand that life dealt them. But, WHY should the search for a dopamine fix always lead to self destructive behaviours? Evolutionary, why are we like this?
How can the massive majority of the population endure their humdrum lives, punctuated with mild "punching the air" successes of a small mortgage, a wife, a few ungrateful kids, a new Mondeo parked on the drive they can clean on a Sunday morning, a meaningless job they despise but lack the balls to change, etc?
Alcohol, drugs, and gambling especially, offer a temporary escape from all this and in that moment I (we?) feel like I have a shot at being something more than I am, the special me that I always knew I was born to be. (Yes, I've just read that back and can hear the hollow laughter). But that's my point. What is the psychological reason I need such an extreme dopamine buzz, whereas most people are content with the "normal" existance.
I'm not saying any of this with a sense of pride at being "special" - I get annoyed by people who claim faults as a good thing whether it's being obese, aspergers, mental illness, etc. I'm not looking to hear about why I'm a wonderful special snowflake and none of this is my fault because I'm suffering from an "illness". Not at all. I'm 100% responsible for my actions. I'm 100% the greedy for the buzz a-hole.
I just want to understand WHY. Because if I can never get to the bottom of why, then I'll be doomed to repeat my nuclear destruction gambling until I smash my face through a FOBT and scream "Here's Wrongy".
Anyone understand what I'm saying? 3-4 just royally ****** me. Enough is enough, but if it wasn't gambling it'd be something else. I need to escape from the crushing horror of daily life that your average jo seems to relish, or at least tolerate with a fake smile.
I feel so much better for saying this, thanks for listening. (But please don't humour me by saying "oh if only you stop gambling then suddenly the humdrum life will seem amazing and you'll become an obedient sheeple", etc.
Hopefully we're, all of us, beyong such cliched platitudes - we all know it's a crock deep down and pretend we don't feel bitter and emascualted by our partners keeping our credit cards and balls in a jar on the shelf.
I accept some of us are "unusual" and need to keep risking everything to maintain our psychological erection. But why does it always have to be negative and destructive. I can imagine jumping out of an aircraft after throwing out my parachute first, and hoping I catch it up, but secretly not caring if I don't, would give me the same rush - I might even get sponsored for charity to do it - that would be positive, I guess?
Dam that's a good post. And it bought a smile to my face.
A post I can highly relate to right now so that ks for sharing
Cheers Deano. For what it's worth, it actually really means a lot to me that someone else connected with it.
Thanks.
G
I am a female who is 30. I am a wife, a mother, and have a job I really enjoy. I do not have a lot of money, and always desire the lifestyle I see others living. I know I should be ecstatic with what I have, and I do feel thankful for my wonderful children etc but I always crave more. I am also someone who is never satisfied with life, and even if I had the detached house and BMW on the drive, I know I would still yearn for something else. This isn't about me being ungrateful with what I've got, but I can't ever seem to put my finger on what I'm actually craving. I started gambling to win money. The stage I got to was where I was winning money, and still playing on knowing I would lose it all. It must be the buzz I'm addicted to, but even without gambling, I am still searching for something that I don't think I will ever find.
Bee - it's dopamine.
Pure and simple. Think about that fat P***k Philip Green who bankrupted BHS. He bought a 154 million pound superyacht called "lionheart", and sailed around the Med on it with a full crew, but it wasn't enough. He then bought (allegedly) a second, then a third superyacht.
He's my anti-hero!
A man who is a billionnaire yet one super yacht didn't make him happy!
I don't know what my malfunction is! There's plenty of people on here who will say it isn't my fault - my mum didn't breast feed me, or I didn't get hugged by my father, etc.
It's all b******P. To say we don't have agency with our choices is insulting. You know exactly what you are doing when you find a quiet space and log on and enter your card details, and choose to bet. Pure and simple. I do the same. I do it because I need the buzz,, the dopamine, and when I (always) lose, I use that as a thought the next morning to excuse myself trying again...
And so the cycle repeats until I either run out of available credit or find another way to get an equal dopamine fix - booze or dope.
There's no judgement. But I've had enough of making excuses for myself. Does anyone have any insight into why certain people are wired the way we are, while others aren't?
Anyone?
Interesting and its good to get it all out.
Some people go skydiving to feel alive and get a buzz from life. Whats negative about that in people I admire?
I think you understand some of it but possibly you have lost focus in that life can be mundane in that nobody owes us a living. We work under the capitalist system and that leads to a family hatchback, 2.4 kids and a labrador for many people. People find some happiness in whatever small way they can but its too deep a subject to go right into now.
I feel you need to talk it through more smallest violin..."the crushing horror of daily life". I understand what you are getting at and the big hole many people have in their souls. I had an emptiness that I thought material possesions could fill. Now I realise its more about making my mark on the world and being happy within myself Thats what life is but it doesnt have to be. Some people give up on the chase for money and travel the world looking for experiences. I know nuns who have taken a vow of poverty and they were a d**n sight happier than I have been at points in my life
It may seem like people offer platitudes and make excuses but its not really like that. Addiction controls the mind because what the mind craves the mind will get.
Where I disagree with you is that a compulsive gambler is not fully in control mentally because they are not computing things correctly. It is an illness brought on by a craving for a feeling or a drug of the senses.
You have been ignoring the odds and ignoring reality of what you are being offered.You are being offered a drug like an addict so how can you say that you are in control when you walk in the bookies. you know what you are doing do you?...and whats that then...irresponsibly handing money to gambling dens with odds totally stacked against you. How is that not an addiction and illness if you are thinking straight.....its more than being greedy and the money. Its seeking a buzz that is destroying you
You may have a point about life getting familiar and boring. It doesnt necessarily have to be that way. You cant knock people who enjoy a nice walk or buying their kids an ice cream...the old cliche thats its the simple pleasures is enough for many people
I have always said that all the responsibility doesnt lie with you. Enough of it does but far from all of it. Its a form of mind control and I feel you have more to learn about that.
You are fighting it and you will get the truth here. You wont be able to justify gambling on here because it cant be rationalised beyond a form of escape and self destruction.
Greedy for the buzz that leaves the cupboards bare? We dont make wet excuses but part of this is finding out who you are. Depression and other human feelings do lead to gambling behaviour and thats a fact.
You will still wake up to the kids needing new shoes etc but you wake up facing the reality that gambling isnt the answer
I hope you will continue to use the forum
Being gamble free is a wonderful feeling and I hope you will join us
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
"Argue for your limitations and they are yours" (Richard Bach, Illusions)
Thanks for your post Joydivider, but I'm beyond looking for excuses.
*edit, I just read that back, and it's a bit harsh. What I mean is, less understanding more tough love for ourselves. We know what we do; yet we still choose to do it.
Do you have personal sympathy for yourself? I'm not sure I have for myself, and I'm not sure I should have either.
I would do if I was a brain damaged "ecky thump" who didn't know what he was doing. But I'm not and I can't play that card. So I have no excuse. I bet, I drink, I smoke myself to kill or cure. When I win I feel like a god. When I lose I come here and look for support to excuse me.
Is that too harsh? Too honest?
Gx
I know exactly what you mean, and reading around this site, it's very refreshing to hear from someone not making excuses and blaming it on an illness or "the great god Gamblor made me do it".
The only way I can personally come to terms with the amount of money I lost tonight is to keep it real and blame myself for being a greedy sonofa*****. No one made me do it. No disease, I knew exactly what I was doing. I risked it. I lost. If I'd won, you best believe I wouldn't be here right now tearing my soul apart, and to pretend otherwise would just make me a whiney little *****.
Heya I totally relate to this I was in my twentys living life to the max, partying loads of friends skinny ,attractive money blah blah fast forwards on 15 years watching Jeremy Carl running kids around, no identity,no time for myself, skint (made much worse by slots addiction )wanting an escape and if truth be know a stuff it attitude why shouldn't I, and probably the naughtiness in me the secretism I know what I should be doing but I rebel against it because deep down I'm still that nutty 20 something fun girl I've just lost my way surrounded by the mundane c**P we call real life we are hamsters running on a wheel.dont feel bad for not liking reality as it quite often sucks you just need to find a new buzz one that's not so destructive I'm on day 78 it's not been easy but everyday gets better treating myself to things I couldn't afford before I'm actually having a holiday haven't had one in 4 years and I'm finding new ways to be "naughty that aren't destructive to me or my family.ive taken back what gambling took that fun girl with lots of friends,and yes I drink too much, yes my tummy is not so trim these days but the real me has just been dormant you can do it just choose a different substance good luck dizzy x
I don't know how you can say " Gambling is an illness " HL , it's a choice to gamble or not , I've gambled for over 35 yrs and all my choice , just as I made a choice 11 months ago not to gamble again , we all know the risks and yet still choose to do it , people who are " I'LL" in the true sense of the word don't choose to be that way , we do !!.
I don't believe youv'e ever gambled , have you ? .
The only people who are ever going to make ourselves stop gambling are ourselves .
Sorry for hijacking your thread SV.
SmallestViolin wrote:
"Argue for your limitations and they are yours" (Richard Bach, Illusions)
Thanks for your post Joydivider, but I'm beyond looking for excuses.
*edit, I just read that back, and it's a bit harsh. What I mean is, less understanding more tough love for ourselves. We know what we do; yet we still choose to do it.
Do you have personal sympathy for yourself? I'm not sure I have for myself, and I'm not sure I should have either.
I would do if I was a brain damaged "ecky thump" who didn't know what he was doing. But I'm not and I can't play that card. So I have no excuse. I bet, I drink, I smoke myself to kill or cure. When I win I feel like a god. When I lose I come here and look for support to excuse me.
Is that too harsh? Too honest?
Gx
Yes but we are not making excuses in that sense. We are looking for reasons why some people are more prone to addiction than others. Im not blaming everybody else is some wet namby pamby way. I mainly look at what was empty and not functioning properly inside me.
However they set up maximum temptation and program the machines for maximum addiction. They know what they are doing and it creates addicts
I gambled but I was not in the right state of mind. When we say illness it can just be neurons in your brain wanting that winning feeling. It doesnt mean you are thumbing your lips and hearing voices. It means that your mind needs a hard reset to a healthy way of living
Its part of the recovery process to find out what makes you tick and why you havent been spending time on plenty of things which are better for you.
Yes of course I have sympathy for myself..I have to love myself or I cant love others and bring out the best in me.
I assume you are here because you know what gambling actually does to your finances and how low losing makes you feel.
You are being honest and I admire that but you are in the early stages.
I feel you just want to stop losing. All the jack the lads in the gambling dens talk as if they have 1000/1 on the only four legged horse in the race. It doesnt work like that as you well know. I dont call it an industry bookies etc...I call them gambling dens because it all has that seedy, secretive air about it
In a sense your mind is bigging it up as if you are a big shot will the bottle to go for kill or cure. I dont consider it a manly thing to be doing and the bottom line is that gambling does kill people.
Nobody can stop you and you have to want to do that for yourself. I realised I was a hopeless compulsive gambler and its not for me any more. I feel much better now and my money adds up. Much more importantly I feel calm and I dont want those people in my life.
You can stop if you really want to.
Its your money and your life. I want you to join us gamble free
Best wishes
Great opening post. Just my cup of tea
Believe it or not, some people really do aspire to sparkling up the mondeo. Not just Alan Partridge
But if that is a goal which yr living in accordance with yr values, fill yr boots.
It's pretty clear that the mondeo isn't yr gig. But what is? What are your values and who are you? What's holding you back from leading a more fulfilling life?
Healthy people have dopamine drip feeding into their lives. They don't need the sugar rush of gambling.
Unfortunately you can't just sit around being disatisfied with who you are, and then.wait for divine intervention. You have to take steps to be who you want to be. Step out of your comfort zone. Act first and the feelings of confidence will.come second.
A late disjointed response from me but appreciate where you're coming from
Louis
Active addiction involves extremes and impatience, always wanting more, bigger, better, higher, faster, right now. GA literature talks about immaturity and it is an child like trait.
Real happiness is being content in a mature sort of way with what you have. The Serenity Prayer has the right balance to aspire to.
CW
God grant me the serenity to accept the things we CANNOT change......courage to change the things WE CAN......and wisdom to know the difference
Doesn't have to be a religious god either joseph. it can be a spiritual one, like a GA group, or anything else that you feel really gives you answers. If you attend GA in the future and get a sponsor, they can help you with all of this. SIR (soldiers in recovery)
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