How should I approach my partner

Hi.  I am not here to offer words of wisdom but I am in the same situation as you.

Our, my wife and I, finances are separate and I always came up with the goods in paying rent and bills but am also in big debt.

I can't offer advice as I haven't had the conversation myself.  

How bad is it?

I know my significant other would have a big reaction but then support me.  But I keep thinking I can make the situation go away.  I have stopped gambling but the debt I have incurred isn't ignorable.

@thebean 

So my total debt is around £19k, 7 of that caused by my stupid gambling decisions. I think my partner would have the same reaction, I just feel like such a disappointment to my family that I am trying to hide it and deal with it personally.

I am pretty much in the same boat as yourself, I have put the blocks in place to stop gambling as of yesterday after losing another significant sum.

Hi, I can relate to this so much. My wife does not know I am a gambler. I am now 8 weeks free of gambling, the longest I haven't gambled in at least 5 years. 

I want to tell her but at the moment I feel like she would probably leave me...... my current plan is to stay off gambling then once my finances are in a better position speak then...

At least then I might have an optimistic plan. 

I am an affected other from gambling. My partner was a problem gambler. Unfortunately for us, it hasn’t worked out but that is because he refused to get help and refused to acknowledge the reality of the problem.

Had he been willing to work through it then I would have stayed. I think taking active steps before you tell your partner would be amazing- so the fact that you’ve already contacted GamCare shows that you’re willing to put the work in-and that speaks volumes.

Would it be easier to share it with another person first, somebody who can help you break the news to your partner? 

It’s a tough thing to do, but it’s a really important step. Wish you the best of luck. 

Tell them. Tell them all before they find out. I wish I had told my partner. I knew it was coming on top. I wish I’d have told him the day I had made my mind up. Like others I’d had a loss and knew this was the end. I couldn’t do it anymore. But I didn’t tell him. I think he knew tbf way before this. He must’ve seen the change in me. I saw the change in me. I didn’t care. Now it’s too late. I’m numb. He’s angry and I don’t have the energy to lie anymore.

You know your spouse and you probably know what they will do/say…are you scared of telling them or their reaction? 
Both… I am still scared and he knows. I can’t see past today. I have a text waiting to send that I can’t… oh I wish I would have managed  it differently.

Good Luck xx

Just say it.... if you have not taken anything from your partner to gamble then what you are scared of just say it and let them know that you made mistake like anyone else do. but tell them you learnt from your mistake and need their support to be better version of yourself........ if you are strong and stand still on your decisions then don't wait to open up 

Today is better to tell them than tomorrow, I’m sorry to say you will definitely not get yourself out of this and it won’t go away. More gambling is not going to help the situation. If you are honest and open they will understand after processing it. It’s never the amount of money that hurts the most, it’s the secrets and lies. Please try and tell them before they find out somehow. 

Posted by: @72xtgskcri

Hi, I can relate to this so much. My wife does not know I am a gambler. I am now 8 weeks free of gambling, the longest I haven't gambled in at least 5 years. 

I want to tell her but at the moment I feel like she would probably leave me...... my current plan is to stay off gambling then once my finances are in a better position speak then...

At least then I might have an optimistic plan. 

You should tell her now so that she will support you. There is no better position. I told my wife now and she's not upset about the money lost, she's furious about the sneaking around and lying. Breaking that trust. Even if I had gambled and won the jackpot, she would be upset. She doesn't want to be married to a gambler and liar, period. Also, it will be easier for you to stay off gambling with a partner to help you. 

I've done this. My wife is P****d but has agree to take over all my banking accounts and help me break this vicious gambling cycle. She wants to mend her broken husband because she loves me and wants me to be healed and complete in the future.

I am married to a compulsive gambler. He confessed a a few months before our wedding. It was heartbreaking, i felt like i had an out of body experience. I never had a single clue about the problem, no suspicion or hint whatsoever. I just always thought he was bad with money management. It felt like my life was turned upside down that evening that he confessed. But what hurt the most was the lies and hiding. He thought i would leave him.

I had a frank conversation with him that he needs to prove to me that he is committed to recovery. He showed me the confirmation email from gamstop. He showed me all his bank accounts and debts. He put gambling block on his card. He gave me access and passwords to everything. We then met with his dad to create an action plan. His dad paid the debts off and we worked out a monthly payment plan from my husband’s salary (he’ll be finished paying him off completely by mid 2024). I know that some would say no one should pay off his debts but the interests were crippling and the monthly payment plan to his dad was more realistic and manageable. The very next day we drove to his first GA meeting. GA saved our lives. He was initially very reluctant but I can’t thank the guys there enough, esp his mentor. He was pleasantly surprised to find ‘normal’ people like him who are compulsive gamblers. 

The point of all this was, he was in the same boat as you. He was 100% convinced i would have left him. But he mustered the courage to tell me, with the support of his dad. And because I saw the consistent commitment since, I didn’t leave. We’re happily married now and stronger than ever. He since got a promotion at work and we bought a lovely home. I still don’t trust him with anything regarding finances and i feel like i’m still recovering from the trauma myself. I still sometimes get nightmares about it all. But i trust him with everything else (except with money) and I love him to bits.

Tell your partner now. Or at least tell a loved one. Addiction thrives on secrecy. Please do not ever try to get all the money lost back. You never will. But you can still save your relationship. I wish you all the best.

P