People tell me that it is and I read it on here all the time. But I don't believe it. I just think that I'm pathetic. Yesterday I left work after a night shift. I could have stayed on the bus all the way home. I tried to. But sure enough, when the bus neared the casino, I jumped right off. I went in telling myself, I'll only bet £20 and the change in my pocket I'll use for the next bus home. Well what luck. Within 30 minutes I was £3000 up.
I couldn't believe it. I got a coffee and when out for a cigarette. I told myself that I was the man. I told myself that my win had nothing to do with luck, but that I knew what I was doing. I knew something nobody else knew. I could read the numbers. I drained that cigarette in two P***s and then went back in. I could actually FEEL the look on my face. I was so high. I hit the roulette again and I lost everything in ten minutes. I fell hard. The staff must have been laughing at me. They didn't show it but they must have been. I felt dirty but it didn't stop there. I went to the back of the casino where it was dark and nobody could see me. I reached into my pocket and took out the small change. The bus fare. I put it in and lost it.
After that I had to walk home. 12 miles on country roads with a sickening feeling that almost crippled me. I wanted to puke. In reality I only lost £23.00 but it wasn't that. It was that I had won £3000 and didn't leave. It was by behaviour while in there. My behaviour when I was winning. The cockiness. It was the way I felt about that. I felt dirty, ashamed. Like a child drawn in by the flashing lights and the pretty sounds. I don't believe it is an illness. I just think that I am a piece of s**t. A dirty, weak minded idiot, and on that walk home, I actually wanted to die.
Hi
I don't see what you've said as an argument either way, re the illness question.
Then again, does it matter what the label is? Sometimes focusing on such (side) issues is really another way of avoiding recovery. Sounds like you're really struggling and need help. Why not start a diary and learn about how to get better?
Best
Louis
Hello W, very hard to read your post and not realise that what happened to you could happen to any compulsive gambler. My question is "does it really matter what we call it?". It affects us all in different ways and whether it's an illness of not, it's something we must be incredibly aware of. I hope you can take strength from how you felt at the end of the evening. With regard to the money, it wasn't really yours, it was not winnings, you had just borrowed it from the casino. The good news is that you paid it back immediately (with interest) so you need not go there again, you owe them nothing! I would suggest you consider starting a diary or at least reading others on here, you will see that you are not alone, we have all succumbed to the twinkling lights faced the time when we have reached rock bottom. Your walk home last night could be YOUR rock bottom and maybe it was just your moment when you realised that enough is enough. You now have the opportunity to go for recovery and I suggest that GA or Gamcare would provide a great place to start. I am not saying it is easy but if you start now then you will quickly realise that whatever gambling is, it needn't rule your life.
All the best and take every bit of help and support you can.
Thank you for your comments. I'm going to take full advantage of the support provided by Gamcare. I have organised one to one counselling. I did not mean for my comments to reflect anyone else's struggle. It was more about how I feel about myself.
Hi,
Nice to speak with you in chat earlier and welcome to the forum.
Everyone of us on here has a story about this horrible thing called gambling. Each different but all with the same end goal. To stop and remained stopped.
Take time and read through some diaries and hope to catch up in chat again soon.
Best wishes
Hi W, pleased you are accessing all of the support available.
Take care.
There's obviously lots of different strands to why we do what we do but I consider it a emotional/mental illness.
Hi
It is an illness. Its a delusional illness of the mind. Some people cant get to grips with calling it an illness but it is. It doesnt mean that you are thumbing your lips (that could come in time with gambling) but the depression and horrible feeling of losing everything is like any illness I know.
There is a certain stigma attached to mental illness and thats why most of the Jack the lads in the bookies cant face what they are doing on several fronts.
Its your mind controlling you to do things that are seriously harmful to your finances and health. It kills people.... simple as that.
What you have been experiencing is that high like youre the man and everythings going to go your way. Like you are living life at the edge and its fun in some way. Its not! You are simply handing over your money like most gamblers who lose.
You have the same problem that many of us have. You dont like losing and you cant stop when you do win something. Its a complex issue of the playing being more important than the money. This is mixed with greed invincibility and the feeling that something went your way in life so you want more of the feeling here and now.
I had to sit down and admit that I was bored, lonely and depressed. I wanted a high ,I deluded myself it was free money and I was greedy for more
Theres no shame in saying it got to you and you need help. Thats why we are here for you.
All the best
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