I am so grateful for the replies to my first post - thank you. I went to bed last night feeling pretty hopeless/helpless about things. We're on holiday at the moment and every day is an ordeal for me. I did manage to sleep and for the first time in a few nights didn't have nightmares, which have been plaguing me for a while. I've vowed to my family that today is the day I stop gambling - I don't think they believe I will but I so desperately want to prove them wrong. Of course all I can think about is getting my next gambling fix, I'm so preoccupied with it. I can't seem to engage with anyone or anything fully. I hate what this addiction has done to me - I've sold virtually everything of value in the house to fund the gambling. I've become deceitful and dishonest, things I never was previously. My GamCare counsellor said that many people go to counselling thinking gambling is the problem, when really it's a symptom. I believe this is very true for me - over the past few years I have used spending/gambling and food as a way of trying to cope with a major trauma back in 2007. The result is that I now have an eating disorder, massively high cholesterol and other health problems and have lost us our house into the bargain. I have taken out numerous mobile phone contracts - I was running 9 at one time - it's non-sensical I know. Somehow the spending and gambling gave me a feeling of control over my life. I am so angry and bitter about the past. My mental health problems stem from my teens and ruined any chance of me having a career, so in a sense I feel I have less independence than the average 12 year old. That is why for me, giving up control of my very limited finances is so difficult as it leaves me feeling totally disempowered and I just become angrier and more depressed. Coupled with the anxiety it is not a good mix. I also have Crohns disease which can make managing activities day to day pretty difficult. The Crohns developed in the aftermath of 2007 and I am certain it was my body's reaction to the trauma. I spent a year in hospital in 2004 following the birth of my second child as I suffered a pueperal psychosis and due to this and the trauma, haven't been well enough to work since which is another major source of frustration. I'm pumped full of so many pills which cause unpleasant side effects. I know this is a gambling forum so apologies for digressing but for me, as I'm sure for many others, it is not straightforward. Even if nobody reads this I feel a bit better for writing it down. I think the gambling has become such an urgent issue because it is having such a negative impact on everything, literally ripping the family to pieces. I adore my children and so want to be a good role model but just feel I'm letting them down all the time. People say you have to want to stop gambling, my psychologist says you have to want to want to stop, which is different altogether. I want a life free of gambling but I need something to fill the void it will leave behind. At the moment I feel totally overwhelmed by life and can't see a way forward. I feel like I'm slowly eating myself to death. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
Hello Ali! Have you started a diary? You will find lots of people in the same situation very keen to offer their support. You've made an incredible first step towards recovery by recognising your problem and you will see you're not on your own in this fight! Keep posting and reading!!! Well done! Helen. X
Thank you Helen for your kind words and encouragement. I'm feeling pretty desperate right now, screwed up again, let my family down. I despise this awful addiction, I wouldn't have believed I could get myself into such a mess. I'm sick of everything. I've been desperately hanging on to some control of our finances but I think the penny has finally dropped that I have to relinquish all control to my husband. I hate it and it makes me feel like a child but I just can't cope with any form of money at the moment. Sad but true.
.. have to relinquish all control to my husband. I hate it ..
You could frame it as "a practical technique that works". No judgment. Nobody's bad, insulted, or belittled. You change your family's method of managing money, and you enjoy a better life as a result.
definitely a reason to get as much help as you can get?
are you still doing the counselling? if its finished perhaps start again or look for help elsewhere?
lots of it around
tri
Hi Ali, I get what you mean about a symptom of other problems...I also hated relinquishing control of my money UNTIL I turned it round and looked at it in the capacity that I was actually taking control by giving my friend my money to look after, so I wouldn't get tempted.
I wouldn't have believed I could get myself into such a mess either....but it happens and we are not bad people because of it...it's an addiction!
I had my control taken away from me all my life I felt, due to disfunctional parenting...then marrying an older man who was quite manipulating and controlling and now going through the fallout of our marriage break up 6 years later and still feeling my control is taken from me by his behaviour...long story but something I can't do anything about at the moment.
SO the only place I felt I had control was at a slot machine....my buzz, my power, my control. Except it took me over and before long had me in it's grip and IT had control of ME.
We can get through this...I refuse to give over any more of myself to anything disfunctional.
I've started a diary on here today and you could do the same?
All the best x
Thanks for taking the time to post Alannah - I really appreciate it. I've had an awful day - finally had to accept I can't have a bank account and close it which was complicated as overdrawn. Gambled 50 as soon as I woke up, sold my mobile and chucked the whole lot (200) down a slot machine so now - no mobile, no money, no bank account. Feeling very frustrated and sorry for myself. Control (or lack of) is a massive issue for me. I feel like a child but I like your idea of turning it into a positive and seeing it as taking control. Know I'm going to have a crappy evening feeling rubbish. I hate gambling and everything it has taken from my life, above all my self respect. I'm trying to stay positive but it's very difficult at the moment. Thanks again - Alli
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