Owdo Guys
So having a torid time with the gamble monster inside me at the moment, I managed to stop in May 2012 for just over 19 months (went to GA for a few weeks, missed a few but still stayed gamble free so thought I didn't need to go so much, I kept myself busy by fixing up an old PC and doing something I always wanted to do, producing dance music (learning from scratch) as had been a DJ for many years, the equipment was c**P but enough to learn on and make a track (not a very good one, but was onto something) unfortunatley my pc blew up after 3/4 months (not litterally) just as i was finishing it off, so that went for a burton but still managed to stay gamble free for another 12/14 months.
befoire this I gambled every day pretty much, anyway I plodded on until late 2013/early 2014 when I had a relapse and that lasted 3/4 months, started going back to GA, struggled a lot but managed to stop after a while of changing my dates every week, late march 2014, went to meets regularlary and got my 1 year pin, in truth I had been getting twitchy in the month leading upto my one year mark, as My fiancee was gambling online in front of me (I did kind of say it was ok at first to be fair as thought I would be, and for a couple of months it was aside from getting a little annoyed at the amount of time she was spending on it, it did alas start to eveuntaully make me want a bet (my own fault I should have been more vocal and not said it was ok)
So the day after my 1 year pin was awarded, I had to scratch that itch and had a bet, I was gutted and within a couple of weeks had blown every penny I had saved or could get my hands on, this was april last year, and its been almost none stop since then, on my mobile, FOBTS have become a real problem too (I live in the city centre so self exclusion is a bit hard given that there is 100's of the sods) I have on more than one occasion come out of the bookies having done my b******s cash wise and felt like ending it, but still gone back, I was even close to doing myself in on christmas eve after a stint.
I have been going to GA through all this, even though its very tough going there and each time having to declare a new date, I am sick of it and feel they are probably fed up with it too as its same old story everytime, same advice everytime, I know the tools and what I need to do, and mostly taken them, but usually leaving slight windows open, I have barriers but if you want a bet that badly, you'll always find a way, because as I openly said in meetings...as much as I hate it, as much as its killing me and everything thats good in my life, that part of me STILL wants to gamble, I go in wanting to ''just make an extra few quid for x,y or z'' but 9 times out of 10 play till its all gone, like I want to wreck everything, I want to punish myself, want to destroy myself, want to lose everything, its like being possesed it really is
I want to get back to that place I was in when I stopped the 2 previous times, where I had a clarity, moment of ..I dunno really, I knew I was done but at the moment I am just going round in circles, repeating the same stupid mistakes.
I know what I need to do, Im just struggling to do it
This only a very small part of my story, but wanted to vent something while I was here
Yours in unity and recovery Plastic Dreams the compulsive gambler
best wishes and good luck to you all
Hi there friend.
You've stopped before so you can again. Just think how much you've learnt from this terrible affliction and use it to help you stop for good. You can do it. We will do it together. Join the 2016 challenge and start today.
HI PD
Welcome back. Sorry you've been having a tough time recently.
I know you've been here before and that you've been to GA. I'm guessing you've heard a few lines before.
What got me about your post was your interest in music. Especially the buzz of making music rather than playing it. That really resonated with me.
I've got this theory of gambling which is that we gamble because we're disconnected from life or we're unsatisfied with life. That's definitely true for me at least - gambling was a temporary buzz which I needed. Escapsim for a little bit - hand to mouth stuff. What's really important to me now is trying to lead the life I want to lead. Part of that is getting back into music - creativity. My mini goal is to be able to jam with people - but as I don't have anyone to jam with at the mo I'm taking steps to getting me in that position. I've just signed up for some guitar improv sessions. The old judgemental self would've said that's tragic, can't do that if I'm not naturally in got mates to jam with then it's not meant to be - the same judgemental self that didn't actually do anything.
Long winded point I'm making is - I got the impression making music was important to you. You got scuppered late on (still don't know what burton is!) but that sounded like the right path. It doesn't have to be music but it's about getting getting back in touch with what's important, getting hold of that rudder and steering where you want to go.
Best
Louis
.
Hi PD,
As you said you know what to do and you have successfully stopped gambling for significant periods. So I am sure you can do it again. I view relapses as a learning oppourtunity so I can be closer to getting it permanently right in the future. Its how you react to these temporary set backs that determines the overall outcome. You mentioned that your relapse happened because "there is a part of you that still wants to gamble to make a few extra quid." Hopefully you have learned that betting on things when the odds are against you is no way to make some money. Your misery isn't relieved by the thing your addicted to....its the cause of it. I agree with others that your relieve is perhaps best found in music. I wish you all the best.
I forgot I even made this post around 5 weeks ago, I have carried on in the same vane since, dreaded FOBTS, football, basketball..anything and everything, can't seem to shake the disease at the moment, still going to GA, still battling but struggling as mad as it is I still feel the urge to gamble daily
Grant me the serenity, Courage and wisdom to escape this hell on earth in my head right now
Hi Plastic Dream,
Listen mate, head up. You've stopped before and you can do it again. Keep focused if you want to stop. Sounds like you need a new hobby or something, get yourself making so more tunes! Writing down some lyrics is just pen and paper.
Big thumbs up for attending the GA meetings again. Don't worry about "people getting fed up with you declaring a new last bet date" It takes more of a man to own up to the fact they've had a bet! So again well done on that one.
Difficult road ahead for us all mate, but stay strong, get yourself self excluded from all the city centre bookies. You've already made big steps by owning up to your problem, attending GA meetings and opening up on here.
All the best
MidlifeCrisis wrote:
Also the suspicion that somehow you want to damage yourself. For me I so how think subconsciously I don't deserve the life that I have, and stupidly try to throw it away.
I relate to this .... almost as if I don't deserve happiness so what better way than to do the thing that wrecks every part of your life. Perhaps next time when you have a bit of money in your wallet - write down three things that you could be spending the money on before you head off to the gambling den ....
On day 5 Gamble free so far, long way to go and mindful that a slip is very easy at the moment and will lead me straight back to where I was
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