Never going to beat it ..

Hi ck

I think we can all relate to at some level what you are going through right now. You have so many positives in your life though, a well paid job, a loving family and children (similar to myself). What more could a man ask for? I don't have all the answers as I am only 58 days clean myself but the aspirations you have can only be realised once you stop gambling. If you are at the point where you can tell your wife, give her complete control of your finances for a short time. Let her manage everything and just give you what you need for basics. Perhaps you have hit the nail on the head when you say you don't actually believe that she would leave you. Perhaps if you did actually believe it was possible you could lose your family it would give you added motivation to stop. Try not to focus on what you have lost financially, I found that this was a very negative thing for me. You cannot change this, but you can change what you do with your money from this day forward. What I have found from stopping gambling is that i have more money than I thought I did now none of it is going towards the bookies/casino etc...however deep the hole that you have dug is, somehow you will find a way out of it.

Have you considered the reasons why you gamble? Are you sure it's purely financial? For me I loved the money but it became irrelevant after a while and the feeling of gambling and the adrenalin rush became more important. But the feeling of waking up full of regrets and self hate became more painful than any euphoria. I still wake up panicking and with a horrible feeling from time to time. This is not easy but you can do it!

You ask whether sitting in a room with strangers will help you stop gambling? I don't know but isnt it worth a try? I don't find it helpful personally but others would swear by it. If you are that desperate to stop you will try absolutely anything.

I really wish you every success in quitting this awful addiction and getting your life back on track.

Hi ck, welcome back to the Forum after such a long abscence my friend - hugely sorry that it isn't in better circumstances.

There is a lot to gain from what you have written here so I will address each point individually.

You are not a bad person first and foremost; would you be dishonest and deceitful without gambling in your life? If they banned gambling tomorrow, you would have your answers but from my experience, it is 99.9% likely that you wouldn't be.

My second point is about you being materialistic - my friend, you are a million miles away from being materialistic because you would never risk one penny of what you have if that was the case, plus, you never spend what you win on materialistic things - I gambled for twenty years before stopping around six years ago, I won thousands but could never spend it, in fact, winning big made me realise how little I really wanted these things anyway. When you are broke, you dream relentlessly, but then when you have the opportunity, you realise it is the euphoria you gain from winning money that you crave much, much more than anything.

With regards to meetings; if you truly want to stop, then there is nothing that you shouldn't consider my friend. I left it a very long time before I attended GA and I regret that I did because I am sure that it would have helped me stop sooner. It isn't quite what people think; you don't have to interact, you can just sit at the back of the hall and listen to other people's stories; that was the best thing for me, seeing that this affects just about everyone - compulsive gambling is so isolating because the world doesn't understand; to be around others that do is wonderfully liberating, whether you decide to speak or not.

At the moment, you feel at the end of everything, which is understandable but you still have your family, you can still manage financially (despite it being very difficult) and you still have your job. What is the next step? You left it seven years before you posted here last - if you carry on, then what remnants of your life will you be holding onto in another seven years?

Or, on the other hand, imagine if you stopped, today, for good, and then posted again after a gamble-free seven years - no doubt you would breathe a huge sigh of relief and your home life and finances would be in a healthy state again.

Compulsive gamblers are not patient people by nature, but time is the only thing that will solve your problems - urges are only temporary, they soon pass and once they do, it is another step towards them lessening greatly, which they do in time.

You come across as a decent, intelligent person my friend - your problem is that you drive yourself further and further down without putting out your hands to stop yourself - this can't continue; your children will have had little exposure to the problems gambling has caused you - in ther years to come, that will become something that is likely to taint their formative years quite severely - nothing is worth that, no winnings, no fast cars, nothing.

You need to stop burying your head in the sand my friend - you need to think quickly, rationally and practically, immediately. Think of what you are going to do to resolve your finances, think of what help you are going to need, think of handing over full and final control of your finances to your wife, and then set yourself a plan. You are at a crossroads my friend - you can either take the right way or the wrong way; most of that is in your hands my friend - you need to up your game, not just as someone in recovery but as a person too - you are not selfish, you are not a bad human being, but you are not doing enough to tackle the problem and hence, all the world will know is a bad person, and this truly doesn't reflect the real you.

JamesP

Thank you for your responses and advice ...it is all very good information and food for thought about how I tackle this problem and nightmare.

I would love to be able to return to this forum in the not too distant future with a great story of how I finally beat the urges and ultimately this disgusting, all consuming habit that if I don't get under control will control me and my family until they have had enough and then I will be left with nothing.

I really could have a wonderful life and not really want for anything, but as long as I gamble this is a pipe dream ......I feel very positive about what needs to be done.

Thanks again!

Sounds like you have reached a fork in the road. You are still relatively young, have a good job, you have the means to pay your debts, it's not a disaster.... it's a difficult situation but tenable.

In a few years time it might not be. The patience of those around might have snapped by then.

I hope you choose the right road. I wish I had done.

ck - I have read through your post and wanted to reply to offer support and also input. I see a lot of similarity with your story and mine.

I was in a position of owing a fair amount of money, but having enough incoming to cover it - so long as I didn't lose it gambling. As you say you earn £50k, so that's what £3k per month. Even with your £650 per month to repay that's enough. You don't have to look far on this site to see people who would love to be in the position where they earned enough to pay their debts. That's not in any way to downplay it - but remember that - dont let it get worse.

That debt sitting in my mind though was what messed with my head it took what was already a problem with gambling and made it into an absolute story of desperation- it seemed so much and such a long way out, and I'd messed up, and I'd let people down - and all the thoughts you're no doubt having. And so each month, without fail I'd relapse - losing too much, and delaying the process of getting clear of debt, hurting my girlfriend, stressing myself out.

Finally as of Dec I am clear of the debts - and I am now able to focus on stopping. And by stopping I mean dealing with the urge to gamble permanently not just putting blocks in place to artificially "quit" for a couple of weeks when I have no money.

What I wish I'd done differently is put blocks in place earlier though - to stop the issue however artificially. Half life's post above is excellent. Don't do it half heartedly. Firstly change all payment dates to the day you get paid - so there is no opportunity to blow your salary. Then give over your bank cards to your wife. If like me you still remembered your details or had copies of the card, ring the bank today and tell them you've lost your card and you need a new one with new details - tell your wife this is coming so you cant intercept it from the post. Do this whilst you feel like this not when you feel better. Take advantage of feeling rubbish. I have a similar kind of job to you and can come up with a million reasons why putting these steps in place was not feasible. If you dont have the money to gamble with you dont need to download a blocker to your PC. The blocks sound unworkable, but trust me they always are if you want to work. I've found ways around travelling for work without a bank card even for example. If you dont, then I would suggest that you dont want to stop. That sounds harsh, but I know now looking back, that all the times I said I wanted to stop - I didnt.

So after the blocks, the risk is that if you get the urge you do something stupid to get the means to gamble - so you do need to do something on that. And you have to remember that right now there is a way out - you can afford your payments. Dont make it worse by gambling. So if you gamble you might win £2,500 - enough to pay off 10% of your debt. But 1) you might lose that 2) if you win would you stop? (no I presume), and 3) do you want to tell your wife that you won money. I'm almost certain that she wont be any happier with you winning £2,500 than losing.

As to the group meetings, you need to know what works for you. I worked out that what I wanted to do was just fast forward to the time of being debt free and gamble free. I just needed to avoid any thoughts of gambling, and any opportunity to gamble. What I found with the group sessions was it didn't help for me - it firstly legitimised the problem too much (I know others think differently but to me this is weakness not an illness and I found the meeting a bit too sympathetic - I didn't need sympathy or people understanding I needed to see for myself that I was being an idiot and change), and secondly, perversely, it triggered me to think about gambling more. This is why I didn't go with a diary on here either - although a lot of people find it helpful. For me the less I think about gambling in any way, the better. That I am able to post on here is as a result of starting to get through it.

But you need to try it and find out what works for you. Maybe 1x1 counselling might help with that. It sounds like you work for a decent employer - they may have an Employee Assistance plan that can give you some counselling for free (it's anonymous). Or Gamcare can do this.

Hello to those that replied. I very much appreciate your words and advice.

In particular '2014newstart' .... - I have already contacted my credit card provider and requested a new card, spoke to my wife and explained it's on it's way and to look out for it and not let me see it and get it out of the house such as parents or something and only to use for emergencies !!. Deleted cards off paypal as that is another way and given my cards to my wife. I literally have nothing except a work CC that I use for work travel and not in a million years would I use that for anything like gambling - that would be curtains for me and even when I have been had and had not a penny I could get my hands on ...I still never even considered that card - so that is safe. In my mind as far as gambling is concerned, that doesn't exist.

I have self excluded from so many online places, I forget the ones I can play with now and even the main book makers I went to where I live - went in and self excluded.

When I had a nightmare a few days ago and lost AGAIN, I surprised myself at how cunning I was to source my credit card details, but I did manage it by gettign key details in three different places. As you say, if there is no means there is no decision to make and that is definitely what I want.

As I am going through the creating of a new account yet AGAIN, I am literally shaking knowing this is huge, saying 'what are you doing' , you won't win, you won't win (I am sure if anyone saw me I would look mad) but I know how big it is. IT HAS TO END.

I think you are right, before I didn't really want to quit, but now I really, really do. I have enough, the bookies, casinos etc have had enough of my money.

Similarly, I don't even want to think about gambling, forget it exists (though that is hard with what seems like thousands of advertisements on how you can bet on absolutely anything from anywhere at anytime) that is why I don't think GA is for me, I tried a self diary not on here but on my tablet, detailing everything and if you read it, you could read the excitement in my words when I had won or 'got it back' ....when the reason I did it was to remember how bad the losses were - it didn't work for me - so I deleted it and just don't want to think about gambling anymore.

I (and thank god for my wife and family...we) have a long road ahead to pay this debt off, but I look forward to coming back on here when it has been paid and say it is possible, you can do it.

Thanks again and good luck to everyone !