Well, I got myself all comfortable reading people's stories on this forum. Cocky and safe in the knowledge that I'd got over my issues with that spinning wheel. Over 5 years clear blue water between me and that world. But no, I'm here to tell you I f****d up and I'm back to day one tomorrow.
My god this is such an insidious addiction. I talked myself into believing that after 5 years I could bet a soft £10 on a match today. A wise man once told me "Only bet what you can afford to lose". Fine. That may work for 'normal' people but in betting and losing that tenner it lit a fire up my a**e and I came back to my flat and signed up to *** to demolish what money I had left living hand to mouth on the casino. Why did I do it when with each deposit I was thinking about this forum and all the people I'd be letting down?
I did it because I felt I was due some respect and luck having abstained for so long. b******t. b******P. OF COURSE I LOST. And lost more than I could afford to lose. Luckily I don't have much in my bank account at the moment so we're talking low £100's rather than £1000's but you better believe if I'd have had the cleared funds I would not have stopped until every m**o penny was gone. I'm grateful for small mercies.
Why am I posting this? I guess I'm just trying to warn against complacency, and how despite my genuine desire to be a better man and all my self-awareness, all it takes is a moment of weakness to get sucked straight back in to the dream of winning my way out of debt, and more frightening than that, feeling like I'm a winner. Grrrrrr. When will I learn? I've nipped it in the bud though, reminded myself why I won't go back to hardcore gambling. I got an insight, a smell of just how bad it used to be. So the only positives I can get from this f**k up today is that it's reminded me quite how bad, low, desperate I used to feel. No amount of winnings is worth me feeling like that again.
Anyway, hope I haven't bummed you all out too much with this post. I'm angry, I'm disappointed in myself, but ultimately hopefully this post is positive to remind you all that total abstinence must be the way, even after years when I (we?) start to feel 'cured'.
My honest respect and humble best wishes going out to anyone reading this whatever stage of their addiction they find themselves in.
Molehole (unbelievably back to day one)
Hi molehole
I think you are ok incredibly brave and inspirational to have posted this. I can tell you have reminded yourself what not to do and why and that is a good thing. Don't beat yourself up just think of it as a reminder of the bad times that you don't ever want to experience again.
Thanks for your honestly and I'm sure it will help alot of people who may be thinking about having this addiction beaten when we never will.
Linda
Molehole - thank you for reminding us all how easily we can fall into self-deception - thinking we have 'cracked' it and that we would have the self-control to gamble 'sensibly'. I'm sorry you are feeling bad - but as you say, the positive is that it has given you a real wake-up call. The other positive is that, by accident or design, you did not have enough funds to lose a massive amount. Well done for having the courage to tell us - you'll bounce back stronger than ever!
Joanna
Thanks guys. It's Monday and I'm back to 'reality' again. Chalked it up to experience and am moving on. I accept it happened, spent all Sunday having a private pity party, but now today I've let it go. No point in giving the bookmakers the double satisfaction of not only taking my money but my peace of mind too!
Mx
Honesty's a good start Molehole
proud of you
complacency's tricky isn't it
i want to think ive beaten this addiction and move on but everytime i've tried that in the past i've got caught up again
i accept this battle is for life
i can enjoy my recovery knowing how much i value each day
welcome back mole
hope you never leave again
thanks Triangle. kind words. It means a lot to me. I'm so annoyed with myself for giving in after 5 years clean. More so because I've given advice to other people on this forum in those intervening years- how arrogant and cocky am I? What ego to dare tell people how I got over my issues and started lecturing you all. b******t.
Gambling is all about ego for me. I need to pay off my debts, but beyond this I need the buzz, and to feel I'm not just the average daytime sheeple who do their minimum wage life.
Wow, doesn't that make me an unlikeable human being? It's all about ego. Get over that and I can start to come to terms with why I gamble, despite it destroying me. Sure, maybe it's the reason we all gamble too?
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I've been responding all over this forum tonight imagining I'm some sort of JamesP helping.
Molehole x
Hi m
Go easy on yourself, you earned the right to advise people on this site and you have helped more people that you probably know. Also your recent slip will be hard to take right now but it also means you have more experience in your recovery journey to help others and also for you to avoid that situation again.
I hope you give yourself a break and realise that what you have achieved and what you will continue to achieve once you put this slip behind you.
This is one of the best quotes I have ever heard-
It's ok to look at the past but we should not stare.
Linda
Hi Molehole,
As you know, I have been a part of this Forum for seven years and written many thousands of posts; this is probably one of the hardest I have had to read or respond to my friend. This comes from the heart:
This can’t be your Day 1 my friend. You have made an exceptional, amazing, wonderful effort to get to five years - not only that, you have spent many hours guiding and helping others along the way; so many (including myself) have gained so much from what you have given. You say you were due respect; you certainly have had mine because you are an exceptional person - there have been many days where I haven’t wanted to write or contribute because it can bring you down - I know you have pushed on through that to guide others, like I do, and you deserve enormous credit for doing so.
Having reached five years myself, I cannot imagine what you are going through and my words will be scant consolation for the way you are feeling. This experience will be worth it if it is truly your last foray down this dark, depressing path my friend - that is what I would fight for now if I was in your shoes; make it worth it, make it mean something. As you said, you stopped short of falling further - you may be more than a little vulnerable over the next few days my friend, so remind yourself of the good advice you have given here about what you went through, and how complacency can be more dangerous than the urge itself
You have come further than most can only dream about my friend. Lesson learned, you crossed what was probably your final hurdle, and now you can push on with your Part Two; forget about all this talk about being a better man, you are a better man and you will become even better than that.
JamesP
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