As the title suggests, I don't know why I'm really writing this. Except that I'm feeling very tempted in this moment, after a bad day, after a bad week, after an afternoon of too many drinks to come home again, again, alone. Lonely and hungry, but food won't fill me up and company won't fulfil me.
I've got that itch. That bloody itch.
No. I promise you I won't scratch it. I can remember still the last time I watched a computerized ball spin round and round to a predetermined outcome, and how low I felt. How low in my soul, in my sense of self, self-worth, self-respect. I promised myself in that moment nearly 10 years ago I'd never go back to that 'place' again. And thank god I haven't.
I've relapsed maybe three times in the last ten years - all 'minor' in terms of financial damage (double figures rather than the old triple day in day out till I was brought to my knees as a human being) ; but a thorn up my jacksy nonetheless to spike me and remind me against complacency that I could ever handle playing Roulette as a 'normal' punter.
I drink far too much these days. I can't say I've replaced one addiction with another because I drank too much back in the day when I gambled as well! In fact drinking was a massive trigger for me to go for broke in the arrogant deluded mindset that a million pounds, ten millions pounds, hell - a billion pounds would ever be enough to cure me of being me.
However, coming to terms with my inability to play Roulette has given me an additional insight into how my drinking can become problematic if left unchecked.
The reason I'm posting? I'm not honestly sure, I think it's to offer hope. I can drink a couple of bottles of wine at the weekend and feel an almost uncontrollable urge to continue until I pass out. Most times I check myself, self-awareness stops me taking it any further because the demon thought hangover in the morning just isn't worth it any more. I can do an Acca on the football or horses and if it loses I can check myself and think: "oh well, I only bet what I could afford to lose; it smarts, it kicks and I really want to chase the loss to not feel like a mug-punter, but hey-ho there's always next week so leave it alone for now". And 100% of the time I do. However...
When it comes to online Roulette, NO. NOT AT ALL. There is no stop mechanism, there is no self control, there is no self-awareness. There is only a massive big red f--king self-destruct button on my laptop screen that I must bang my head against until every m**o penny I own is sent over. Then in the morning I have a 'demon hangover' of Herculean proportions.
I don't get it. I don't get what it is in myself that cannot control it. I've learnt after a year of therapy for separate anxiety issues, that it's not that important to understand or analyse WHY I can't play roulette, it's enough to know that I can't. And to remind myself of that every day.
My personal opinion is that gambling isn't an illness or disease - that's a cop out that allows people to excuse their maladaptive behaviour. I knew and know full well what I was doing, but I chose/choose to ignore myself. However - what gambling is for people like me, and probably for people like you if you are on this site, is it is COMPULSIVE. And it is certainly nothing to do about making money when you reach that point. It's about filling an emotional void, hiding a secret pain for a few hours, pretending to be something we are not for a few sacred hours.
It's a terrible way to escape reality for a few hours.
There must be better ways to escape (and we all need to escape reality sometimes - this is being human). Gambling is a S***e way of doing it. I still drink too much as my way of escaping, and if it escalates to the level of compulsion as roulette did for me, then I'll probably have to keep it real and stop drinking too - but I really hope not, as it's one of the only effective pressure release valves I have left open to me.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I feel better now for posting this and the urge has passed now so it served my purpose. I hope it might help someone else too. Really. Be honest with yourself. If you are reading this then you must have an inkling that gambling isn't fulfilling you. So, do something else, something less destructive to heal the need in you. Find out what the hole is, find what might fill it. And whatever that might be, aim to make it something less destructive than gambling.
Best wishes to you all.
Max
i love this post, very true, you've hit it on the head, i need to find out what the whole is. Ive spent 183 days not gambling and ive filled my time with various hobbys but i dont think ive hit the nail on the head as yet. I cant drink alcohol now and havent for half a year and the thought of not drinking forever is very hard, i love drinking too but if it becomes more than just a social thing and it becomes a habbit i think it can become a problem very very easily. Cheers Max
Cheers Adam,
It means a lot to me to know there's people out there who get it.
M
I get it 100%.. I never gambled to win, I gambled to fill the void, to go to a different realm I guess, someplace away from the sadness and hurt that life was throwing at me. Maybe reading books would help, a mystery or murder plot something to take you away from here to get you thinking elsewhere out of the box of being stuck. My sisters play bingo online play ВЈ2 all night in penny bingo and play quizzes with 300 other people trying to win favour of the host for £2. But me, found that boring. And one big win of 3 pence and I was hooked. 17 hour straight gamble nights of the same machine. Winning to lose. It was a horrible, soul destroying lifestyle. I fear going back there enough not to gamble.
Where your drinking is concerned, can you drink to enjoy the drinking or have you gone passed that Max?
Goodnight
Bella xx
Understand 100% that feeling of escape from all other problems, you vs the machine or casino to get that high. I'm on day 1 GF and Ben trying to stop for 15 years, I need to do it for the sake of my family and my sanity.
Thanks...It helps to know that I’m not the only dim witted weak loser. It is true how low the roulette addiction makes one feel. I’m so ashamed, embarrassed and sick at what I have become so your post is of consolation. This is my first day here and I’m not sure as to the etiquette but all I know is that I need someone who understands the power of the demon that causes people like me to lie, cheat, forces their family to go without (while I play stupid machines that has the oh so predictable outcome)...
Anyway stay strong and thanks
Hi ReleaseMe, thanks for your kind words. No, you are not a 'dim witted weak loser'! Not at all. And hopefully neither am I! I'm not sure it's helpful to think of ourselves in those terms either.
In fact, most people I've met with gambling issues are usually quite the opposite - highly intelligent people who understand form/odds/willing to take an informed risk, and trying to shave that edge/risk down to the smallest margin. What we probably share with addicts of other classic substances is a need for a dopamine fix, the need to shut out the world, the need to feel that we are winning in the greater chance-game of life and something to massage our bloated egos that we can't get from our real life.
I'm talking personally here, but the more I read this forum the more I see commonality and comorbitity with other 'addiction' issues.
Gary Oldman said about his father, a chronic alcoholic, and his own time spent as an 'over-consumer' - "All it takes in the early stages of addiction is to have a massive ego yet massively low self-esteem". Now, to a lot of people that may sound contradictory, but I reckon you'll get me on this?
I feel a cheat posting on here because I had a massive MASSIVE issue with online casinos almost 10 years ago now. But I can continue to physically walk into a betting shop on the (very) rare occassions I want to bet on football or horses, place a tenner, win/lose walk out. I've installed Gamblock on my devices and I must say it really is an added safeguard against pished-up bad mood moments where I might be tempted again to visit online casinos. I've had a few relapses since 2009, maybe 3 max, but it has been enough to remind me that I'll never be 'cured' of my compulsive need and inability to EVER go online casino betting again. But, as I say, horses, football, no problem. Never was, never will be. In fact I can honestly say since I've installed Gamblock I can't be arsed to walk into a bookies to place my £2 Saturday football acca because it's too much boring effort! Go figure!
So, this is my truth. Addiction is a sliding scale, and I won't judge anyone here who dogmatically screams about 'working the 12 steps'; likewise someone who only feels they need to 'cut down' or 'stop losing'. Addiction really isn't a one size fits all. But the undeniable truth is if it's causing you emotional or financial problems then it's probably time to take a step back and get objective opinions rather than subjective 'feels'. Addiction is usually always progressive though - bigger using needed to get the previous old 'hit'. If it's reached a compulsive stage then I'm not sure willpower & kind words from well-meaning friends are enough. Self-awareness goes out the window. But we all must do what it takes to get us through another 24 hours alive, sometimes.
My issue currently is drinking far too much. I can feel in myself I'm using it in the same way I used Roulette back in the day. Not a healthy social 'bit of fun', but a crutch to self-medicate my anxiety and sadness at a life currently wasted with no idea how to improve.
In fact, the very reason I came on here is because I feel a bit of a cheat still posting on Gamcare when my real issue is booze. But I can't find a similar Alcocare forum.
Addictions may be different, but they all come from the exact same place when they reach the level of dependency. It's not about the substance, it's about the need to medicate our fear and deep personal sadness; and to gain those few sacred hours of feeling a buzz, excitement, inspired, alive, hope & freedom... anything that spares us from the day-to-day moaning judgment & hamster wheel of sh*te!
I've read a lot of your posts ReleaseMe, and you sound like an intelligent, cool and stand-up fella. I have faith you'll take care of business with this gambling issue, put it behind you, move on and live a fulfilled life.
Best wishes mate,
Max
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