Some random thoughts

Hello

I am in the midst of a relapse and have had some random realisations. I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience and would like to share?

I brief background: Problem gambler for 6 years or so from 2015-2021. It all came out eventually and I almost lost everything. Sharing with the other half was what saved me (despite how hard that was). 

I self-excluded with GamStop for a year. And was immediately fine. No urges or temptations. But as soon as that year was up I jumped straight back in. After a few days of removing the ban I lost a few hundred and immediately realised how silly it is. Logged back on GamStop and did the 5 year exclusion. It felt great.

This time 2 whole years passed (2022-2024) until a random night a couple of months ago. I have no idea why but I Googled a way round the exclusion (I wont share what/how to protect others). Ended up on a dodgy non-UK site and proceeded to lose thousands. 

In these two months I have lost £5500. The funny thing is, I someone said to me I have a 5 grand expense to pay for in 2 months time I would laugh them out of the room. I couldn't fathom saving that much that quickly for anything...but then somehow I have managed to waste that without blinking.  

Anyway, I'm giving myself a pep talk. This post is part of me coaching myself through the day hoping I can repair the latest damage. My plan is 1. Find blocking app 2. Ring up bills/credit providers to ask for breathing space 3. Figure out a way to remove the feeling of helplessness and try and make it to the next pay day

Thanks for reading.