Over the years there have been so many slips. So many lies, so many all nighters and the amount of pressure my body has been put under in unreal.
I estimate in the 10 or so years of gambling I have done, I have cashed out (as in won) about £10,000 in total. Yet every single time I have either put it back in, or been unfortunate to play at a rogue casino that refuse to pay me my winnings. On the back of that, the total losses in that time would be £40,000, if not more.
It doesn't matter what I gambled on. If it was the fruit machines I would lose outright, or win on 1, only to lose my profit and more on the next. If it was the fobt's, again I would either lose outright or win something for that day but lose it all and more a few days later. Online was always the most damaging for me though as it's so easy to access online casinos. These would be the killer sessions where I would lose absolutely every penny in my bank or win a small amount, only to crave more gambling not long after it was paid in. So I end up losing the winnings and all money in my bank regardless. In other words, the second I touch online gambling, it's certain that all money in my bank will be gone and more because I would max my overdraft to it's final penny.
Earlier this year was a sad time. I had actually done really well to not gamble for many months and then bad news struck, where my mother was taken to hospital and weeks later passed away unexpectedly.
Everyone has their way of coping with something like this. Some go for isolation to get through it, others turn to drink or drugs.
Mine was very unfortunate.... It was gambling.
So I was already in the lowest place in my life after the loss of mum. I'm only 30 years old and my mum had just turned 50. Most people don't lose their only surviving parent at that age. I was thrown in at the deep end, what do I do now? How do I cope living at home on my own? It really didn't help that not long after mum died, it was mothers day.
The inheritance was paid into my bank account eventually and the devil beckoned.
Bear in mind, up until this point I hadn't gambled for something like 7 months yet every single day since that last gamble, was getting text messages, phonecalls and emails from casinos. This is the corrupt and unethical because I believe what happened was the casinos I had self excluded at, sold my details on to other casinos who then bombarded me with temptation.
Anyway, back on track and barely any time after the inheritance was paid in, I was of course feeling really low still over the loss of my mother and 1 evening they won. The spam, the constant temptations and thoughts put in my head about gambling pushed me to gamble most of my inheritance in 1 evening (a £9,000 loss).
Months later (now), where I have managed to move on a little bit from the loss of my mother, I still stand by the same opinion. Which is, at the time I was in a very vulnerable situation, yet casino's used unethical marketing tactics to prey on this and steal all but £1500 of my inheritance.
This though has been my absolute cure. It's something I will never ever forgive, that was my mums money afterall which she left for me, not some rich casino who that sum is just small change to.
So that is me entirely cured. The bottom line is that the money was saved by my mum to give to me to do something decent with. The majority went to a casino though. If mum was still alive and gave me the money as a gift, I would be able to talk to her about what happened, have an ultimate telling off, get eventual forgiveness and she would still be here to rebuild that money. So therefore I would likely forget the loss and be back to having to control my urges.
As mum will never be here again, that money can never be built up again (I could eventually save up that amount over many years, but it's not her physical money, it would be money I saved). Even if the casino paid me some of that money back at the time, it still wouldn't be mums actual cash. This is more about the transaction happening of her money going into the casino.
That fact has cured me. Since that loss I have undone everything I used to do to protect myself from being able to gamble. I carry whatever cash I like in my wallet, I have a debit card again now and haven't even had to think about not gambling.
If this was a thing before that loss, theres no doubt I would have caved in and gambled again.
Hi Anon
A sad and very moving story. Hopefully your gambling days are gone and you're looking forward. Stay vigilant and recognise the triggers - you never know when that compulsion might strike. Wishing you all the best.
Thanks for sharing Anon. Brave and honest post.
Thank you both. It feels the triggers are never fully allowed to become triggers because of that deep emotion stuck in my head.
For too many years, a damaging combination offline was the pub + alcohol + money in pocket = Every single time walking away with no cash. They were crazy times where I would have £100 or more in cash on me, perhaps to get some shopping but once I had a few pints, the flashing lights of the fruit machines and the effects of alcohol meant I always ended up gambling.
I'm old fashioned really and prefer paying for things in cash, but for years I had to limit the amount of cash I had on me for fear of blowing it all in the pub fruit machines. A few times since what happened with my inheritance I had cash on me at the pub, had a few beers and gambling never even entered my mind at all.
It's definitely been a turning point.
A
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