Thoughts on being an ego-centric p***k

Hi Molehole, you have no need to apologize my friend; in fact, we need many, many more people on here who have come through it, and can offer personal, reflective and intelligent insights like you continue to do.

You are right about being able to replace Dopamine. You and I both know that it doesn't feel possible in the beginning but it most certainly is; I felt like it was everything, but now I realize that is was only ever temporary - there was always that hollow, isolating feeling after a win, purely because neither of us had acheived anything, neither of us had added anything to our lives. The things I do like charity work, write, sing, hiking give me those things - it's a whole new different type of "rush".

For me, it wasn't about having a large ego - more the opposite actually; but I am very impatient, very impatient for life and things to change; I also crave (and still do) freedom - the freedom to roam and not have to worry about things. That comes with time, and I wasn't patient enough to put money away and plan for things; a lot fo compulsive gamblers are the same in my experience, few are patient - they all want that short cut that you speak of, whether it is to be a high roller, have material wealth or, like me, you just want some kind of security where you can do what you want and be a little frivalous every now and again; it is incredibly easy to treat your friends, take them to dinner or away for the weekend, when you are winning - you convince yourself that you won't lose it all again, you convince yourself that this time is different. But eventually, your friends start saying "no", because they know you will be probably asking them to borrow again in a week or two.

The main things I have learned is that your life doesn#t have to be mundane, but you have to push yourself, almost force yourself to change. I have also learned that sometimes get too much for anybody, and the way I deal with things is by jumping on a train somewhere remote on my own to just walk and think.

I hope I am never that person who rejoyces in washing their car on a Sunday either,but now I realise is that they probably prefer it that way because it takes a lot of work, and a lot of committment to change to be different - most people like that don't know what they are missing, and they are the ones who usually find out far too late. I respect them, but in some ways they are compuslively mundane, to a point where they look down on those who take chances.

Thank you again for another interesting and thought-provoking post Molehole, great to read as always.

JamesP

Hi James.

Firstly I must say that you are one of the most compassionate posters on here. Having ' been there, done that ' you are certainly in a good position to offer advice and there must be countless people on here who've benefitted from that advice. Thank you.

I must however mildly take issue with you and your comments regarding Sunday car washing addiction. Sure, if the highlight of an individual's week is Sunday suds and chamois then yes it wouldn't float everyone's boat but there is something to be said for the mundane.

Everyone on here has taken far too many chances in life which is why so many of us are in a mess. It might be the height of boredom but car washing is a d**n sight cheaper than pouring all your money away gambling.

We may pity car washers as they probably do us but with hindsight I think many of us gamblers wish we could have been satisfied with just that.

Life would be a lot simpler.

Best wishes and keep up the good work.

Blackjack

Hi Blackjack, thank you for your kind comments, sincerely appreciated.

I didn't explain myself very well in terms of Sunday car washing addiction, and you make a very fair point my friend.

I don't have any issue with people who rejoyce in mundane tasks - more power to them, but I have found that some of these people look down on others that choose to live alternative lifestyles or take chances in life; it's that mindset that I find grates on me slightly.

Since stopping gambling, I have found appreciation for the simple things in life again, like a coffee and a paper, a long walk or a good book; all these things felt very unnecessary when I was gambling - I felt I was living on the edge but when you start to see clearly again, you realize that these little things add so much to your life.

There is no doubt that part of my psyche secretly envied others that could live a normal life; even after five gamble-free years, mine is compromised by long-standing debt and bridges that have only partly been rebuilt. Perhaps there is still some of that in me - I wouldn't rule it out but I do feel happier and more relaxed than I have ever done in my adult life.

Thanks again Blackjack, and thank you for raising a very valid point.

JamesP

Really great posts here from molehole and JamesP (as always). so glad I logged on and read this today as i've been thinking a lot about ego(s) recently in relation to other subjects.

I realise now that ego always played a very big part in my gambling. Molehole is kind of describing the dark side of my personality, me on my worst days I guess where I was not only engaging in ridiculously self-destructive behaviour but also standing aloof and judging other people for what I saw as their mundane way of living. I recognise this may probably sound absurd, even to a lot of other hardened gamblers on here, but I think it's a mixture of the gambling illness and other mental health issues going on that brings about these patterns of thinking.

Hey Oblivion, I really think ego is the route of most CG's problems. Certainly was for me. Same as people who say they're addicted to booze, drugs, food, caffeine, s*x, etc.

It's not fashionable these days for us individuals to take personal responsibility for our own failings - it's so much easier to blame it on a 'label', that way we don't have to analyse ourselves and come to terms with the fact we are making cr** choices.

I still have to fight each weekend when I meet up with my mates who want to go to the casino at the end of the night, I have to force myself to say no, even though they laugh at me for bowing out. But I know I have to, because I have no control once I start betting. Just the same as an alcoholic has no control once he's in a bar and starts drinking.

It takes time to be self-aware and admit I / we have a problem with a certain thing other people find fun.

JamesP - your advice is always so well observed but may I (humbly) offer you some too - I think you might be better off getting an IVA or Debt Relief Order to cancel out all your debts. You seem to have suffered enough with your gambling problems and to truly move forward you need to put the debts hanging over your head into the past?

IVA or DRO lasts a year then all your debts are cancelled. (I've done it myself as a direct result of my gambling, and got discharged back in early 2012 - 2 years later I'm now totally debt free). I think it may help you to do the same, so you can truly move on?

Molehole.

hey molehole you talk a lot of sense and what you are doing is obviously working for you , although i have got to say on 2 points you say where firstly you say we are only one bet from possibly winning back what we have lost i dont now although i once did , i dont now believe this is possible as once we start we can not stop and therefore we will always loose and loose any gains made and if we get back what we have lost we will be sure to loose it again through not being able to stop. Although you are right on a technical basis but thats only if we were able to stop once we got to the financial point we wanted to be at . Also i believe but i may be wrong ,as alcaholism is now prooved scientifically [ i have never been an alcaholic ] to be an illness and i strongly believe that gambling is a drug in the same way , so this leads me to believe that our gambling addiction is also possibly an illness because of the addiction and i dont think it is an excuse or just trying to put a label on it i think its just a weakness in that area and therefore possibly an illness. i maybe completley wrong just a view, but either way it is defo a bad boy addiction that is hard to beat although can be beaton. anyway well done on your 5 years very insparational