So today I gambled, yesterday I did the day before and day before that, at the end of each day I tried to tell myself this is it, no more, I’m in such a hole, I know gambling is gonna end bad. Yet there is something, I don’t know what this something is. THIS URGE! Telling me one more time, this time you never know, I know you shouldn’t but just do it, imagine how good it will be taking £1000 to the bookies tomorrow all the thrills, ups and downs, I know I will lose, but might as well carry on. Football this Saturday, imagine doing an Acca and been in the pub with mates drinking, gambling, talking about our bets, imagine going to the casino and winning. These constant thoughts I think we all have individually. I’m 40 years old, I like to think I’m not a stupid person, I’m relatively intellectual. Yet this thing that’s called gambling, what even is it? Does anyone know, since the age of 7 or 8 years old when I won £1 jackpot on a 1p machine. To betting £1000 a spin on roulette. I must have placed probably  30,000 bets, if not more. Betting for what? To win money to place more bets. To keep that thrill going. Sounds stupid, but we are all the same, I could watch someone gambling now and tell myself they are stupid for doing that they won’t win, yet I do exactly the same thing. When we are fixated there is nothing that can tell us or convince us otherwise. Only when we lose a massive amount  of money,( and even then most of the time it’s not enough) we try to think rationally, yet we soonn on forget the harm. There was just 1 year in the last 22 years I was happy, content and was probably the happiest year of my life. Not the year I went to Australia, or been at uni and young and free. The year I worked in a bar, minimum wage. Yet I didn’t gamble for nearly a year, I felt so relaxed, hardly ever thought about betting, didn’t fight with these thoughts, these urges. Was just a simple basic life. Lived in a room, worked in a pub, didn’t go on holiday. Had the basics. This year was my happiest. The best year that I would love to feel again.  I vowed never to bet again, unfortunately I relapsed after that year and have been struggling for the last 16 years where I have hardly stopped. Imagine that, 16 years of stress, emotional rollercoaster. Pressing fruit machines, spinning the roulette wheel, gambling on greyhounds,  gambling on everything and having to beg borrow and steal to cover things all the time. Why do we all do it, 1000s of us on here all do it, we can’t stop doing it. It’s such a stupid thing when you think about it. Yet it takes away our life. We aren’t living. We are missing out. I class myself as a strong person, this addiction has destroyed me and has me beat. I hope today I can stop, and pray I never place a bet again. The hardest thing for me is, when this takes control, it feels nearly impossible to take control of it. The numbers show, not that many gamblers manage to stop, and stop for good. Yet people do, and there are people that turn there life around. It just shows how hard it is, and for anyone abstaining from this every disease you are all doing amazing. I hope I can start my journey again. Wish all of you the strength to beat this.Â
Dear Sean121,
Thank you for contributing to our forum community. You are able to outline your gambling experiences and the impact it is having on your and life and contrast it with the time period when you were gamble free and really happy. Living a simple life and being in the moment, present, connected.
Regarding recovery, we are not always sure about all the outcomes as not all people will reach out to helplines when they have a setback or when they are doing really well, to share their happy news. However, what we can be sure of is that there is a lot of help and support for you and anyone else who is struggling, families included.
We have a range of options. Our helpline is 24/7.
Best Wishes
Fiona
Forum Admin
Thanks Sean for a truly thoughtful and emotional post I cannot compare to yourself but keep on trying and we will support you mate. Best
Why do we… it’s a nightmare,  Sean I believe we can stop, I am only on day five of no gambling.  But it is the first time I have ever sought help, or talked to other people about it, you doing the same is surely a start .. I hide my gambling from my husband and family,  I feel sick that I should have thousands in the bank, as I work so hard,  but it’s not just gone but I also have a large loan to pay off.  Again husband has no idea, he thinks I have plenty of my own money. - I don’t,  I feel heart sick for you, as it’s so difficult to stop.  Am sure with help from here and a hope to do so , and know your not alone , it can be done.  We can get our lives back.  Please keep trying - we have to remember we will never win it back.  It’s gone. We have to move on and start from now to build back up.  I wish you all the strength.Â
Why do we… it’s a nightmare,  Sean I believe we can stop, I am only on day five of no gambling.  But it is the first time I have ever sought help, or talked to other people about it, you doing the same is surely a start .. I hide my gambling from my husband and family,  I feel sick that I should have thousands in the bank, as I work so hard,  but it’s not just gone but I also have a large loan to pay off.  Again husband has no idea, he thinks I have plenty of my own money. - I don’t,  I feel heart sick for you, as it’s so difficult to stop.  Am sure with help from here and a hope to do so , and know your not alone , it can be done.  We can get our lives back.  Please keep trying - we have to remember we will never win it back.  It’s gone. We have to move on and start from now to build back up.  I wish you all the strength.Â
Why do we… it’s a nightmare,  Sean I believe we can stop, I am only on day five of no gambling.  But it is the first time I have ever sought help, or talked to other people about it, you doing the same is surely a start .. I hide my gambling from my husband and family,  I feel sick that I should have thousands in the bank, as I work so hard,  but it’s not just gone but I also have a large loan to pay off.  Again husband has no idea, he thinks I have plenty of my own money. - I don’t,  I feel heart sick for you, as it’s so difficult to stop.  Am sure with help from here and a hope to do so , and know your not alone , it can be done.  We can get our lives back.  Please keep trying - we have to remember we will never win it back.  It’s gone. We have to move on and start from now to build back up.  I wish you all the strength.Â
Why do we… it’s a nightmare,  Sean I believe we can stop, I am only on day five of no gambling.  But it is the first time I have ever sought help, or talked to other people about it, you doing the same is surely a start .. I hide my gambling from my husband and family,  I feel sick that I should have thousands in the bank, as I work so hard,  but it’s not just gone but I also have a large loan to pay off.  Again husband has no idea, he thinks I have plenty of my own money. - I don’t,  I feel heart sick for you, as it’s so difficult to stop.  Am sure with help from here and a hope to do so , and know your not alone , it can be done.  We can get our lives back.  Please keep trying - we have to remember we will never win it back.  It’s gone. We have to move on and start from now to build back up.  I wish you all the strength.Â
So sorry.  Pressed the add comment too many times. Didn’t think it was being published. So sorryÂ
Thanks @making hay.Â
sue, I am in a similar position to you, I hide this from my friends and family also. Only a few people know the extent. I think yesterday after continuing to gamble and my head just spinning, unable to control feeding money into a machine all day long. I just broke down I guess, and had some clarity in my thinking to ask myself why. I want to stop and have that control over what happens in my life, instead of been controlled by this addiction that turns me into someone I don’t want to be anymore. Today I have managed to stay gamble free, so tomorrow onto day 2 and feeling slightly better. Well done on your 5 days gamble free and I hope you are able to kick this and live a guilt free peaceful life. Wake up in the morning and not have to worry about living a lie,  paying the bills, struggling till the end of the month. Need to start living again.Â
It’s sooo difficult.  I actually have a telephone consultation tomorrow with someone to help me with my gambling.  I felt so bad yesterday I nearly gambled.  But luckily I have put a lot of obstacles in my way.  I feel so guilty when I am so miserable to my husband, and he doesn’t know as it’s because I am going thru withdrawal … I really cannot face telling him I have racked up a large loan , when he has never borrowed a penny in his life and works so hard to keep me comfortable.. and I just gamble all my money away .. we can do this.  We know it’s a mugs game and the house/bookie always win.  We have to start from now.  Good luck. We can do itÂ
Sue, you have done great to last another day! I have done 2 days now and tomorrow day 3. People say it gets easier, it does, but if you take your eye off the ball it’s the easiest thing to fall back into and can ruin all of our progress instantly. I understand your situation so much, as I have never been able to tell my partner. The shame of admitting as a 40 year old man, that I don’t have my life together, that I waste thousands of pounds gambling, which could be used for a better future. To distract thoughts of money I always keep my finances to myself, pretend to be the one who is financially secure and spend money all the time so she wouldn’t think otherwise. Luckily I have never borrowed money from her, and she knows nothing about my gambling. However I’m certain she can tell my mood differences, and how I’m so distant a lot of the time. Which is me neglecting our relationship, as with relationships with friends and family. Of course I don’t do this intentionally. I realise now I have to stop, I have to stop the thoughts, stop watching gambling videos, stop imagining it. Consumed and wasted about 20 years of my life, of course I have had good times, but I’m sure gambling has ruined a thousand good times I could have had and a thousand problems it has created. These stages of my life I don’t want to give to this disease or I will have loved a life not knowing how good life can be if I’m consumed by this. Let’s keep on been positive. And I hope the confidence to maintain my abstinence grows. 💪Â
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