Soon after I started my last recovery diary I had tests done for breast cancer.....unfortunately it was discovered I had an invasive tumour which was removed by surgery almost 2 weeks ago. I return to hospital tomorrow for further test results to see if the cancer has been contained or not, and for my treatment plan.
So there I was yesterday just getting on with things and boom! I had a slip, it was a big one too. Why? That one enormous word that I've asked myself over and over - why do this to myself when my body and mind are going through enough.
Addiction obviously and a release of stress/pressure or whatever! All I know is I can't stand the thoughts today of what I did and I am worried, I'm worried that I will never be able to stop! I know I cannot chase a loss again. I know I will never be a winner with gambling. Why then, when I have all the tools can I not just sit with myself instead of going on self destruct mode AGAIN.
I attend GA meetings and I have been for counselling. Really worried that this thing will control me forever.
I just have to forget the losses again, or try to! I find it really hard to let go of losses when starting over again.
I am hopeful though that I will stay on the path of abstinence and I appreciate in advance any support given here to help me to that.
The only thing so far that has helped apart from coming on here and reading everyone's posts, (and I've slacked off in that department lately due to my health issues) has been giving a friend my money to take care of for me. The money I blew yesterday I hadn't given her as it had come into my bank and I'd spent it without handing that over too.
Now I know I have to hand it over immediately and I also have to visit here at least once a day to help me in my recovery.
Hi Alannah,
Firstly I am very sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I think as adults we all harbour worries to greater or lesser degrees that this type of thing might happen to any of us as we grow older, and I struggle to think how I personally would cope (I cannot begin to understand how you actually feel, and I think it would be insulting to suggest I could - all I do know is that I suffered from health anxiety leading to anxiety attacks many years ago, and I know how debilitaing that fear itself is). My thoughts are with you and I hope your results are positive and that you can make a speedy recovery into remission.
Secondly. Reading your post struck a chord, and I just wanted to say a couple of things to you regarding gambling. 1) Please dont be too hard on yourself here. Many of us on this forum primarily became CGs or used gambling as a form of escape, I know I did. In the same way that an alcoholic might seek oblivion at the bottom of a bottle, or a drug addict might feel relief in the abandonment of sliding a needle home into a vein, we seek to numb ourselves from whatever we are escaping by spinning reels, placing numbers, backing sportsmen or animals... Is it any wonder that given news of a nature such as your diagnosis, such a large item to try to make sense of and to come to terms with.. that you allowed yourself a brief moment of respite from thinking about things by letting your gambling side take over ?. I think it stands to reason. Ultimately as any of us, with the benefit of 20:20 hindsight and looking in on you as strangers can tell you it was the wrong choice, but you know that too you have said it yourself. What would be a better question would be "would we have done the same thing and relapsed given your situation", I think normal rules would go out of the window, I suspect I might have done the same. Its great that you have come back here, and have set yourself back on track, and I think you have to take heart from the words you have written, you know the right direction to head in - **but** you have to give yourself a pass for that last binge. Personally I am trying to manage my recovery on the basis that I function in normal situations and gambling isnt something I do anymore in normal day to day life. I think the situation you describe is so far out of "normal everyday life" that you have to allow yourself some leeway here - ideally you might have dealt with it a different way, but whats done is done - what is important is that you recognise this and do not make the same mistake again. 2) with regards to you "worrying that this thing will control me forever" - i think to some extent that we all feel like that. However I also do not think you should worry any more than you did previously in this regard,just because you have had a blip (as described above) under exceptional circumstances. I say this because it is clear that you reacted to a significant trigger event - from what you have written I suspect it would have been unlikely that you would have had such a relapse had a trigger event of such size not occurred. Of course you have to remember the "I cannot win because I cannot stop" and the triangle mantras, you have to get yourself back on track, you have to guard against complacency, but you know this already - just try to also remember that you arent simply spiralling out of control, you arent in a self destructive cycle, you reacted to a significant and out of the ordinary trigger in a way many of us might, and now you have had time to think about this and you have opted for recovery.
Please dont beat yourself up, I think what has happened is entirely understandable and I dont think it should be viewed as a setback on what you have achieved already.
I wish you the very best with both your gambling recovery and for your ongoing health. Stay positive, and be kind to yourself.
Best Regards,
FM.
Thanks so much for your reply FM. I really appreciate the time and effort you put in to replying to me and have taken on board everyything you've said.
I seem to be a person who deals outwardly with things in my stride and so I feel I am dealing with them inwardly then aswell...but you know the saying 'Check yourself, don't wreck yourself' and I think from now on I really need to check myself more from the point of view of where I am standing emotionally.
Strangely enough after I got the diagnosis and on recovery from surgery I didn't have any urge to gamble...however it did come after some family stuff came to the fore again. One of my siblings has let me down badly during this time of doagnosis and although from previous experience I should not be shocked, it's still a rejection again and that's something I have been dealt very heavy blows from throughout my life.,,,,add that to one of my other siblings practically doing the same thing within a matter of days.,,,
I feel the pain of that immensely and it brought a lot of history back up for me from my disfunctional family background and what I went through growing up in that environment.
Anyway at least I am aware of that trigger again now.
I just wish I could find a way to 'Let Go' of the money loss....I have to find some way to come to terms with it as if I don't then that just may be the very thing to drive me back to that hell again.
Thank you again for your kind words and understanding. It means more than you could know and I also wish you the very best too.
Alannah
Hi Alannah,
I hope all goes well for you tomorrow. Hopefully it is early stage and the other scans show up clear. Waiting on test results is so hard. Do you have someone to go with you to the appointment? It will help you to remember what is said as you may be anxious and not take it all in. Maybe you could write it down if you are on your own and ask for a phone number if you have any questions when you get home.
I was hoping you would come back to posting on your diary as I wanted to ask about women attending G.A. but you have a lot going on at the moment so we can chat soon.
Take care,
Suzy
Hi Allanah,
Hope all goes well with your results today.
Best wishes
Suzanne xx
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