After letting my last recovery diary fall by the wayside somewhat, I decided I'd start again with my next big milestone.
Today is day 100. It seems surreal saying it, given where I was just over 3 months ago but here it is. 100 days since I decided to kick this horrible habit. 100 days since I decided enough was enough. 100 days since the beginning of the rest of my life.
The journey so far has had its downs, mainly at the beginning, but they have been dwarfed by the considerable highs. I've embraced every simple and menial thing in life because I know how bad things could be were I to still continue gambling.
My bank balance, my mental strength and my mood have all improved massively over this period on non gambling and, most importantly, my marriage, which I feared would be over as soon as I came clean, is continuing to get stronger with every passing gamble free day.
I'm at a point in my recovery where I have grown to despise gambling. Physically hate it and everything it does to people like 'us'. It's that hatred that is driving me along. Keeping me on the right path. I'm attending GA meetings every week and find myself in the chatroom most nights, and it's there where I have found the most support on this journey (outside of my home life). From the very first night I logged in, I was not judged for what I did, not looked down upon for what I have become and accepted. Speaking with like minded people every night, forming online friendships with people who understand what I've done and been through has been priceless. And I thank each and every one of those people who have been there and supported me over the last 100 days.
The fight goes on and I intend to keep on winning it. 💪🏾
Legend mate. Great to see you hit that 100 day milestone. You're input most nights in the chatroom is a huge help to myself and others and you should be proud of the fact you are beating this and helping others do the same.
Keep the hatred! It's what gets me through this too.
Congrats mate. A well deserved diary entry.
Good luck, keep doingÂ
🤞🤞🤞
welldone....this is huge,.....
@g4pv3yauqm amazing work mate well done!
Make sure that you reward yourself for this. You need to recognise the great achievement that it is.
Please continue sharing your progress. Â
Huge congratulations Jay 👏👏👏👏. A reward indeed is a must - no matter how small, you make sure to treat yourself with something!
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
Day 103.
My diary has been somewhat delayed by the fact I've worked long hours the last few days.
I'm continuing to surprise myself with the continued progress I'm making on my recovery journey. Having had a week off with the wife and kids for half term, where we've had a wonderful time, I was back to work for one day and then off again. Alone. Did I think about using that time to gamble? Nope. Did I get the urge to gamble? Nope. Truth be told, the thought of gambling did not even cross my mind.
Instead my day consisted of taking my children to school, walking my dog and, crucially for me, completing an assignment for my Open University course.
I use the word 'crucially' because, in times gone by, I would have found myself getting bored quite quickly and easily with doing my assignment and would have turned to slots to occupy me, knowing that would have grabbed my attention for far longer than completing a uni assignment would have. I made myself concentrate only on the assignment and getting it finished and I did. I felt so many emotions upon turning it in. Joy, relief and immense satisfaction.
I also purchased a couple of Christmas presents for my wife yesterday. This was another big positive for me, who at this point previously, would have spent all my wages and be deep into my overdraft wondering why the hell I can't stop and what I'm gonna do when I have nothing left for the month. Knowing that I could spend the money on her gifts and still have money left in the bank was yet more justification that, this journey is absolutely the right one to be taking.
If you're still reading, I apologise for the long post 😂
Another day done. Keep strong. 💪🏾
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P.s, I still haven't given myself a treat yet for hitting 100 days, I must do that.
Day 105 gamble free.
I've mentioned before how thankful I am to have support from my wife throughout my journey and I never underestimate just how difficult it was, and probably still is, for her when it all came out. I will never take for granted the fact that she's still around. Anyway, whilst talking earlier, about an unrelated topic, she declared that she's been thinking that, not just yet, but some time in the future we should get ourselves a joint account that we both pay into and use , so we can both keep track of how our money is looking.
This, to me, is a huge deal because when I first came clean, one of the first things she spoke about was 'ringfencing' her finances to keep them separate from mine so that, financially, we aren't tied together should our relationship not survive the bombshell I'd dropped onto our marriage. The fact that she's even broached this idea so early into my recovery is nothing but a boost to me and yet another reason to stay on the right path, the gamble free path.
Today I ordered my reward for hitting the 100 day mark; the next book in a series I'm currently reading. Can't wait for it to arrive so I can get stuck into it.
Keep staying strong all. 💪🏾
Day 107.
Had a really good weekend. After working yesterday morning, I've had the rest of the weekend to relax. One of the bonuses of not gambling now means I am able to actually sit and watch sports without the thought of whether my bets will be coming in, how many corners I need etc and it's great. I've been able to watch the football and the NFL in recent weeks and actually enjoy it.
Today my wife and I went shopping for Christmas presents. The novelty of being able to actually pay for things with my own money and not worry about how far into my overdraft it's going to take me, whether I will be able to afford my bills or fill up my car will take a long while to wear off. It's such a great feeling to know that I can start paying my way for things again, no matter how small.
We finished the day by taking the dog on a family walk to a local nature reserve and watching a film with hot chocolate and popcorn. Perfect.
It's alright this non gambling lark. 😉
Stay strong. 💪🏾
wow a great readÂ
Day 111.
I won't lie, last few days have been quite difficult for me. Not in terms of wanting to gamble, but because the full effect of my addiction has reared it's ugly little head again.
It's obviously approaching the magical Christmas period (only 2 more paydays to go) and, as a parent, my children are obviously started to make noises about things they want. I've managed to buy a couple of little bits for my wife so far but, when we sat down and discussed what presents to get my boys, it became quite clear that I would not be able to contribute to these gifts, financially, as I would like to. As well as I have been doing in terms of recovery and saving a bit of money from my 'allowance' each month, it's still my wife who will have to shoulder the biggest burden in terms of gifts. Now my children don't even ask for ridiculously expensive things, and that stings that little bit more. I should be able to buy them a cheap(ish) Lego set, or a voucher to get some bits for a computer game but, the truth is, I can't do that easily.
December is already a tight month for me, with my car insurance and MOT and service all due around that time and, whereas in previous years I'd have just chucked it all on a credit card to 'sort out later', I don't have that luxury this time around, having maxed out all my cards. I've found myself sat a couple of times wondering why I allowed myself to get into this situation, knowing full well, I still can't answer that properly.
Things at work have been tough last couple of days also, so I don't think that has helped me much with regards to my overall mood but, hey, things will get better I'm sure.
The plus is I've still not gambling and the last few days has reaffirmed my desire never to do so again, strengthening my hatred of it altogether.
Tonight my wife and I will go and view some photos we had taken for a family photoshoot we won in a competition. I already know I'm not going to be able to afford to buy many pictures, if any at all, which doesn't really help the way I've been feeling the last few days, but I'm not going to let it bring me down.
The only way from the bottom is up, and that's the way I'll keep going. Apologies for the pity party, and if you've made it this far, thanks.
111 days, not out. 💪🏾
Totally get how you feel mate, but you have to look at the positives. What you are doing by quitting gambling is the best Christmas gift you can give your family. Yes, the kids wont understand this, but they will appreciate it in the months and years to come. You will have to take it on the chin this year, but I know you wont let this get you too down. Focus on the things you can provide for them in future. Imagine they want to go to Uni, or want a new car. If you had continued to gamble, this would never happen. We all have a few tough months or even years before we are rid of this addiction and its effects, but as you say, the only way is up, and it gets better with each day gone.
Stay strong bud 👍Â
Hi mate and welldone for staying clean i totally understand how u feel mate and i too get these feeling at times and im aware i may never be able to get past it however u have to keep looking at the positives as weirdfish has mentioned as in the long run things can only improve
Thanks Fish and Taz for your kind words and support.
You are both absolutely right. No point dwelling on the past. The future is what we should be looking at and the future is only what you make it.
Day 114.
After my last entry, my mood and outlook have improved greatly. I have decided to take the advice given to me and focus on the positives of quitting gambling than the negatives. I'm still gamble free and my life is improving with every passing day and milestone.
Last night my wife and I went to go and see Rhod Gilbert at the Birmingham Symphony Hall. I bought the tickets last year (before the debt became too crippling and unmanageable) and had actually forgotten about it until I finished work yesterday afternoon (I mean, I hadn't forgotten I was going I just hadn't realised what day it was). The gig was superb, as expected, and was yet another example to myself of the things I can do if I don't waste my money and my time gambling. As avid fans of live comedy, my wife and I try to go to a few shows a year and one of my new short term aims is to keep myself gamble free so I can save up and get us some tickets to another gig next year.
Looking forward is the only way to go. 💪🏾
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