2010

Hi Jas, i am new to posting on this site, have started my dairy and started reading other peoples.

just to say hi and that u will love eygpt, i went last year and it was amazing!

hope things with u are well!x

Chat was brill...love you Captain xx

Now listening to music....Roxy, Talking Heads, Kate Bush, Annie Lennox, Dave Gilmore....party...booze but no gambling!

So appreciative of all the help (Jac x)...you saved me....me is coming back

xx

Jasmine,

thanks for your message. I was feeling alone, but truth is I am in my daily battles. We all are. Nothing anyone says can do anything except soothe the pain for a few moments.

I agree with you about the post you mentioned in chat - it would have really upset me too.

You are a wonderful lady, who has endured a lot of pressure and expectation over the years. It was poignant your story about your mam. I wanted to hug the 15 year old Jas and say dont worry, I will take over, its no job for a teenager.

I think you are great. Hope you are feeling much better very soon.

f x

HI Jas

....kate bush?!? we need to have words. id have you down more as the prodigy or something haha....dont know why? anyway glad to see you on form, might have to pop in by the chatroom sometime this week. see you there and take care.

neil

Hey Neil....Prodigy!....Fire Starter, love it

Worried and have a wierd calmness. My sister is having her brain scan right now.

I started to look back on photographs last night whilst drinking and listening to music. I take millions of pics..too many in fact....that's the result of only having about half a dozen photographs from my young years...P only has 2...so I guess i made up for it by taking loads. I was looking at photographs on myself and P and thinking how we had aged..I don't have a problem with ageing to be honest but it brought something home to me. I thought we looked really good in every photograph....a bit big headed I know but it's the truth...and we looked happy....and yet I can remember at the time of taking some of these photographs I thought I looked bad...us girls are never happy with how we look or who we are. I think what i'm trying to say here is that I definitely need to appreciate what I have TODAY because no doubt i will look back on pics in about 5 years time and think how good we looked. Just going to live for today and stop trying to plan my life too far in advance.

The photographs brought back a load of memories for P and me and we had a right good laugh too. I used to be besotted with Bryan Ferry...convinced I was going to marry him. When i met P I tried to turn him into Bryan Ferry and when we saw the pics of the floppy hair and chic clothes I had dressed him in...a silver suit.....we had a real belly laugh...it was utterly rediculous but fun all the same. We found photos of our youngest girl...we were approached when she was two...going into toys r us...by a modelling agency....we thought they were wierdos but they actually were scouting for models. We decided to give it a go and make some money for her future...she modelled for the next catalogue and a few other things but we didn't like it and so put a stop to it. The money is still there..waiting for her...but I'm glad we decided to get out of that. It wasn't fair on a little girl, it wasn't her choice either. Funny thing was that she was spotted about 3 years ago whilst shopping and was approached to do some modelling work....she came home and told me and she said...Oooh Ma I couldn't think of anything worse.....made the right call there then!

I'm waffling...sorry

P has signed me in on the computer with his secret password....oooh the power of it all...ha ha....but he needn't worry today as I have absolutely no intentions of gambling.

I hope and pray my beautiful sister is ok...think of me guys please........

Jas x

(((Jas))) thoughts & strength already coming your way

Jackie x

jasmine, i and many others always think about you on these sites more so especially today...hope your sisters scan went well... keep up the excellent diary lass,you certainly cheer up my days with your wit,i can just imagine P in that outfit lol them were the days eh !!

Hi Jas,

thanks for the post was very nice!

also having read your diary, hope your sisters scan goes well!

Hope ur well, take care

x

Jas, hope your sister is OK and you both get the news you want.

Try to think about how much more supportive you can be whilst you are not gambling. If you were gambling you would have all that rubbish in your head aswell and not be able to give what you need to give. When can I next bet, when can I get online, where can I get the cash, how do i win back the losses, how do i cover it up, what lies do I tell etc etc etc...

A clear mind is what you need to give your sister what she needs - good luck

Matt

Hi Jas,

Hadnt read your latest when i was in chat with you. You have had so much drama this year, with health problems abounding. Hope your sis gets a good result.

You kind of amaze me you know, you have these really big scary things looming in your family life and still manage to be there to support others. remeber to save some of that emotional energy for yourself!

Take care,

f x

Hi Jas

Thanks for your post and support in chat. Means an awful lot.

Think you must have posted just as I was looking for my diary. Couldn't find it and thought I has been deleted!!

Thanks again

M

Thanks f x

Scan is done and so we will wait for the results....if it's anything really bad then they will call her.

I had a eureka moment today. Just learning about the chemical reactions compulsive gambling produces in the brain. Just like taking drugs...so now I know where the term "getting my gambling fix" comes from. I don't know why it's taken me so long to find this out and it really helps me understand why the urges are tangibly painful to me. I'm craving my dopamine...somehow this has really made it so much easier to understand that I can't ever gamble again.

Jas x

Hi Jas

Im like you, i cant ever gamble again, its a big ask i guess, but all we can do is take one day at a time without really thinking when our last gamble was, and before we know it the days are rolling by, and hopefully life improves.

neil

Hi Jas

Just a note to say hope your sister gets good result.

I have been dreaming about gambling. I wasnt gambling, it was someone else. They had won £900 and would not withdraw it. It was really frustrating and I feel as though I have had no sleep.

Daughter coming home today from her care position in Berkshire. Excited to see her again....she has interviews for Uni...nursing. Let's hope this is 3rd time lucky.

House is quiet today....just me and the pooches.

Jas x