20:22, 02.02.2022

Enjoyed a few wonderful days with a relaxing break in North Yorkshire with my wife. We don't often get a chance to get away from the humdrum of daily life with a degree of stress and pressure. But this was an ideal time to reflect on the current situation with my personal challenges and with the support and encouragement of my other half. 

So without any urges or temptations for my addictions I was able to indulge in a few guilty pleasures: Walking, dining, hot-tub, photography, movie watching and sightseeing. 

Having ditched the wine gums for rice cakes and switching from lemonade to water I feel in control of my 'needs' and 'wants'. Even when my wife enjoyed a gin and tonic in my company, I was perfectly happy with my glass of alcohol-free merlot. 

Some may be sceptical. How can I go 'Cold Turkey' when it had become such a regular habit to consume large quantities of alcohol?

And how can I just stop gambling without any temptation whatsoever?

The answers are straightforward and meaningful:

I believe that my drinking had reached a critical point whereby I had begun to rely on the effects in order to get through the day. Had I continued in this way I'm sure that I would have eventually drunk myself into an early grave. I knew that I had to stop drinking alcohol. For me it's all or nothing. Some people might say - 'just have one or two drinks it won't do any harm'. Unfortunately they just don't get it. Because drinking occasionally can easily become a regular pastime, which can easily lead to heavy drinking. Just as a mild hangover or slight beer gut can eventually result in liver failure, or worse!

As far as the gambling is concerned I had already reduced the number of bets and amounts staked drastically. But it was still destructive and detrimental to my peace of mind, mood swings, security and overall happiness. Sure, I've lost thousands of pounds over the years, just like many others. But I have truly accepted that the money is lost and that I cannot win it back. I'm to long on the road and it had become tiresome and pointless. And as other C.G's will confirm, its very easy to go from a few small fun bets to regular gambling and unfortunately to bankruptcy, criminal activity or worse!

Unfortunately the editing software on this website is not very user-friendly. I spent 6 minutes correcting spelling mistakes and grammar only to find that I had run out of time! Furthermore, the post was then displayed in a single block without separate paragraphs. Oh well, I hope that I have got my message across. 

Enjoyed a few wonderful days on a relaxing break in North Yorkshire with my wife. Don't often have a chance to get away from the stressful pressure of daily life. But this was an ideal time to reflect on the current situation and my personal challenges, with support and encouragement.

Without any craving or temptations to feed my addictions, I was able to indulge in a few guilty pleasures: Walking, dining, hot-tub, Photography, movies and sightseeing. 

Having ditched the wine gums for rice cakes and switching from lemonade to water, I now feel in control of my 'needs' and 'wants' - so as my wife enjoyed her gin & tonic, I was perfectly happy with a glass of alcohol-free merlot. 

Some people may be sceptical. How can I go 'cold turkey' when it had become such a regular habit to consume large quantities of alcohol?

And how can I just stop gambling without any temptation whatsoever?

The answers are straightforward and meaningful:

I believe that my drinking had reached a critical level whereby I had begun to rely on the effects in order to get through the day. Had I continued in this way, I'm sure that I would have eventually drunk myself into an early grave. I simply knew that I had to stop drinking alcohol. For me, it's all or nothing. 

Some people might say - 'just have one or two drinks, it won't do any harm.' Unfortunately they just don't get it. Because drinking occasionally can easily become a regular pastime, which can progress onto heavy drinking. Therefore hangovers and a beer gut can end up with liver failure, or worse!

As far as the gambling is concerned, I had already drastically reduced the number of bets and the amounts staked, but it was still a destructive force in my life and detrimental to my peace of mind, security and happiness. 

I've lost thousands of pounds over the years, with over £2500 lost in just one day! But now I have truly accepted that the money is lost and that I cannot win it back. 

I'm too long on the road to play the 'victim' anymore, and cannot hide behind the notion of 'diminished responsibility' any more. Gambling for me had become tiresome and pointless. 

As other C.G's will surely confirm, it is very easy to go from a few small fun bets to regular gambling, and then on to full dependency - leading to massive debts, bankruptcy,criminal activity, or worse!

I have fallen.....

...So I managed 3 weeks without a drink or a bet. I guess that it was stupid to set such unrealistic targets. My haunting video and best intentions were obviously not enough to save me from myself. Never again will I make this type of claim or prediction, however positive I may feel at the time. 

Yesterday I felt on edge. Tired, frustrated and anxious. Then out of the blue came a thought of needing an alcohol drink and perhaps I could have eliminated these thoughts with a sugar buzz; a tasty feel-good treat. But no, I returned from work after a lousy 13 hour duration including the annoyance of an 80 minute drive each way.

I happened to glance at a couple of bottles of unopened beer which had been on the kitchen worktop throughout my period of abstinence, without any temptation at all. I was in the mindset of 'what the heck', and swiftly consumed these beers and a another six down the pub, followed by half a bottle of prosecco when I got home. I'm not proud and not happy. In fact I'm disappointed, but I'm certainly not looking for any sympathy. 

At least I hadn't gambled. Not until today anyhow. I can't really explain it and I'm not necessarily blaming it on the booze, but thoughts of gambling came to the forefront of my mind. Could I have been stronger? Could I have dispensed with the thought suggestions? Could I have found something exciting, enjoyable and worthwhile to do?

Regardless, I made a deposit to my online account and staked £50 on a football bet.

I'm sad because I don't really think I can or want to give up on my vices. A leopard doesn't change it's spots!

I just feel that I have to take risks. I want my life to change and the fact is: I'm getting impatient. A few months ago I booked a holiday for myself to Malta. Travelling alone I have something to look forward to but part of me would not care less if the plane came down on the return trip. I know that it's probably my depression talking. Doom and gloom and all that. But I can't help it. This crazy world simply fails to enlighten us all with the meaning of life. 

Thanks Dave for your kind response. You have a very thoughtful and measured approach to problems or situations, based on your personal experiences. 

I have a personal dilemma at this moment. My £50 bet resulted in a win that returned a profit of xxxx. A result that I certainly didn't expect and perhaps if the bet had lost I could easily have brushed it off and reset my thought process. 

I feel like I should pay off some debt and consider myself lucky. A chance to treat my family or buy something worthwhile. But the chances are that I may well try to win some more money, although I know that I could end up losing all the winnings and more.

It's difficult to explain to non-gamblers, but the winning feeling totally changes my outlook. Suddenly I feel happiness. Full of optimism,  enthusiasm and energy. I almost feel powerful simply because I have a few hundred pounds at my disposal. 

I know that I've been down this pathway before. And I know of the pitfalls and where things could lead. I certainly don't want to glorify gambling in any way, particularly as others are being strong in their recovery. But the winning feeling truly is like a drug and to eliminate this totally from my life may not be realistic. It's seems like trying to live your life without #ex or fish and chips!

So... the inevitable happened. I went on to bet more and more. Just couldn't help myself. That's the problem with this gambling drug: after a big win, with tokens at our disposal, the temptation is too great. The feeling of having won, coupled with the means to go on betting to try and win more is compelling.

However I managed to stop myself from losing it all. I really didn't want that feeling that I've had so many times before. That feeling of utter despair, knowing that I had alot of money, only to dwindle it away and be back to square one. 

So having lost about 60% of my winnings I have now withdrawn the remaining funds from my betting account and hope to remain in control and gamble-free for the future.

Losing 60% hurts real bad and makes me feel down, but it's not anywhere near losing it all. I know that there'll be more temptations and I will have to remain strong, but in a way the fact that I wasn't prepared to lose everything feels like a mini-triumph. 

Hi changemylife,

It's good to hear that you have come to your senses whilst having relapsed. It would be really great if you could keep the rest of the money and put it to good use. For myself I always used to struggle to keep any money related to a rare win and just hope that you are in a place where you are sick of gambling and not just sick of losing.

Kind regards 

@changemylife I saw you comments about the inevitable happening, and then read back to see why it was inevitable, and Unfortunately I agree. 

As a compulsive gambler I couldn't have a bet, win or lose, and not have another one. I needed a complete break which normally meant I had lost everything.

You did well to get to three weeks but it sounded like you were hanging on at times, and that will rarely work.

You also mentioned that you didn't know if you wanted to stop or not or eliminate it totally from your life. I guess that's drinking and gambling both. It can't be controlled, as much as you think it can, and the addiction will always win. Always. 

It doesn't mean that you can't go one day at a time without a drink or a bet but please don't try and beat it just like that. Firstly you need to change certain things, like having access to money or where you bet, or looking at yourself and how you react to life situations. Secondly, don't tempt yourself by watching a sport you bet on or having unopened bottles of beer on the side. Thirdly, get some help. Gambler's Anonymous will be near you, wherever you are, and you will meet others who understand, who also have cross addictions.

You have to want it.

Do you?

If I can help let me know. I wish you well.

Chris.

Thanks Walliss and Chris. I appreciate your advice. It's true to say that in recovery from addiction we must come to loathe the activity and everything associated with it. Not necessarily the actual actions but certainly the effects. 

And it's probably true that acknowledgment of an addictive activity that cannot be beaten or that it will always be part of our lives is highly negative. Many people have beaten addictions through faith, control, support and self-control. 

I suppose that the only positive aspect to be highlighted from an analytical point of view with regard to my recent continuation of betting activity is the fact that with gambling it's proven that you can never win in the long run. You simply can't beat the odds. For instance, throughout the past two weeks I've made 96 bets on football, horse racing, greyhounds and tennis, with 26 winning bets. But despite these wins, on balance it still represents a significant loss. 

Dave, thank you for your feedback and analytical observations and conclusions. You clearly have changed alot in your recovery and learned to enjoy life without letting potentially stressful situations rule your outlook or status. And you have come through some painful ordeals to become a better and stronger person. I applaud you for continuing to reach out to others and sharing your knowledge and experiences. 

You're quite right when you say 'For sure, the more we get in to our recovery our steel gets tested more often - that is how it works.'

Thinking back to my unopened bottles of beer left on the kitchen side. I had consciously left them there for a purpose:

My thinking was such that on trying to refrain from drinking alcohol that these exposed bottles would make my resolve even stronger, rather than tempt me into sampling of the forbidden fruit. And for a while it worked. Every time I saw them I thought to myself:

'I don't need them, I don't want them, I don't even like the taste of them that much.'

But as you now know, eventually gave in and drank them. Although I feel that this only happened because of the tiredness, stress and pressure I was feeling at the time. 

I suppose that I could have hidden the bottles away in a cupboard for less temptation, but the truth is that our weakness and desire will always be prominent unless we have a system of control in place. 

I know that my beer bottles left on display was perhaps a bit stupid. Paramount to holding out a carrot on a stick, if I happened to be a rabbit! And you could apply the same reasoning to gambling - would it really have been a good idea to leave a blank betting slip in view? Obviously not.

Ok, so it's been a week without gambling. Having transferred the remaining funds from my betting account I have now closed it and deleted the app. I know that this action is not foolproof as I have previously done the same, only to reactivate and return to my gambling ways. 

However I am feeling very positive without any thoughts of gambling. And I believe it's because I feel that I can draw a line under the episode and move on, having learnt some vital lessons. For many people who decide to give up a harmful and destructive behaviour, they will often have reached a moment of clarity. A decisive moment based upon events or happenings. 

For some it be reaching rock bottom. Penniless, broke and broken. For others it may be the equivalent of the reverse side of the coin - a big win. But for me, it has been the way that I had to deal with the losing streak that threatened to take me back to zero again. It felt like a show of courage and strength of mind to consciously stop gambling, which gave me a feeling that I don't think I've ever had before. 

It's a bit like getting the last word in, when you're having an argument. It was my decision to stop. It was my choice to walk away. And even though I lost 60% of my original winnings - I still feel like I've won!

Of course this totally discounts the thousands of pounds that I've lost over the years. I accept that the money is gone and I don't feel the hurt and anger that once was raging inside me. 

So my last bet was on the 5th March. That's eleven days without gambling, although it seems like more, probably because I haven't totally put it out of my mind. Although I don't feel any temptation at this time and I'm just getting on with things (safe in the knowledge that I had a little success over the bookies), which gave me the last laugh and hopefully the end of the final betting chapter.

I'm beginning to feel positive again about the future even though, at times, life seems like an unnerving rollercoaster with so many questionable things and unpredictable twists and turns.

But as they say, we've got to live life today. Yesterday is over - gone. Whatever has happened, good or bad - we can learn from it. Tomorrow may be another opportunity - we shall have to wait and see.