Hi all.
For those who may not have come across me before, I'm Jay. A 41 year old, gambling addict of 7 years who finally realised I had a problem and sought help.
Having been forced to come clean about my addiction (much to my relief) to my wife of 16 years, who I'd kept my problem from the whole time, so began the process of getting help and beginning my recovery.
After dropping the bombshell to my wife, she was crushed. She talked about our marriage being a lie, trust being shattered and divorce. I was ashamed, disgusted with myself for what I had done and scared of what could happen.
It's now 21 days since that bombshell came out and I have still not gambled. It has not been easy throughout that time, as I come to terms with how my behaviour and actions have affected not only me but my wife. I was forced to come clean about my addiction when our mortgage advisor contacted my wife and told her that we had been denied a new mortgage deal due to one of us having poor credit. That was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. I knew I had to change everything.
After applying GAMSTOP and GAMBAN to prevent me being able to gamble, I gave all control of my finances to my wife. She has control of my online banking, all the bills and my wages. I'll get an 'allowance' to enable me to buy fuel to get to work, eat at work and buy things I need but I have to give receipts for everything. I'm essentially a child again and I feel utterly ashamed. I started attending GA meetings too.
The point in which I essentially hit 'rock bottom' came just a few days ago. Because my wife has a good wage, and the mortgage on my house is quite small, she was told she would be able to cover it on her own, but to be able to do that, I had to be taken off both the mortgage and the deeds of the house. I had to sign myself off both of them meaning that I technically have nothing left now, but it was the wake up call I needed.
The only way from here is up. My wife, despite her emotions when I came clean, I now as supportive as ever and things between us are almost 'back to normal'. She can see I'm making the effort to change and I'm doing this as much for her as I am myself. I can see improvements in my behaviour and mood already through not gambling and it feels great. I have a debt management plan in place with Step Change and in 3 years I will be debt free. The only way is up.
Here's to the next 21 days...
Awesome story mate. Not in a good way, but in an inspirational way. You’ve done everything you should be doing. Taking away the money is the first step. Giving everything to your wife is a huge commitment not only to her, but to quitting. You’ve basically told her that she is everything and you want nothing. Sure, when you have got your life under control again you can rebuild the trust and get back to owning part of the house, but until then you can’t be trusted by her, or by yourself, so submitting fully to being a ‘child’ again is the only way forward.
Great to see you in the chatrooms too. Taking the fight to this addiction is the only way. Committing to everything and taking every opportunity is the only way to truly beat this. Life can only get better.
Stay strong mate, and well done 💪
Keep going pal that’s amazing
Day 22
I figure if I'm gonna do this, I may as well make it a more regular occurrence than every 21 days. Still not gambled, still not thought about it.
Tonight I attended my 4th GA meeting. I'm finding these extremely useful and they make me more determined to kick the addiction into the gutter where it belongs. My wife, who I previously mentioned went from doubting everything about our relationship to being very supportive broached a conversation on my return from my GA meeting that has irked me somewhat.
I am an massive football fan and an avid FPL (Fantasy Premier League) player. I've played it since 2010 and have always thought of it as 'just a game, a bit of fun'. I know a lot of people who are also avid players and I am in several group chats where the focus is mainly FPL. When I came clean my wife asked me about it and I assured her that it is not like a gambling app, it's purely just a game.
She is a member of a forum for people who have been affected by gambling via their loved ones, which is great for her, but tonight she told me that she'd been on and someone had posted asking whether they should be concerned that their partner plays FPL and is it a form of gambling. Unsurprisingly, given the environment, the answer is were unanimously 'yes' and the poster should be worried. She asked me to 'think about mentioning this as a potential trigger' when I have my next one to one session, even though I have never, ever considered it as anything but a game. I tried to argue my point but she told me I was just getting defensive and it made her point more valid. She's said that she's not telling me to give it up and she doesn't want me to not have anything I like to do but merely 'mull' over what she's said and decide whether I should talk about it with my one to one or not. To me, giving it up is exactly what she's implying. I understand she's still getting used to it all, as am I, but I'm worried that I'm going to end up compromising of lot of things I like just to prove that I'm committed to the cause of beating my addiction.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being overdramatic? Possibly. Maybe it's just another thing sent to test me and my resolve.
Anyway, day 22 is done. Onto the next one...
@g4pv3yauqm Well done Jay. 👏👏👏. Keep going and lovely to read how supportive your wife has been and still is, whilst coming to terms with it all. The fact that you are both working this out together is great 👏👏👏.
Take care.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
@j5a6meyr4z Thank you for the support Pink Lady. Every piece I get helps me that little bit more. x
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