25 years of age and at a crossroads - Day 1 17th October 2013

Day 2

Anyone ever been in "angry mode" whilst going through this addiction? Just angry at everything for no apparent reason. Well, that's not exactly true. I'm actually angry in large part because of the huge amount of ****** money I've wasted. I'm angry with myself and I'm disappointed in myself. I've let myself down.

But the thing is....I still have a chance to recover. LOL. It's ridiculous. How many chances am I going to be given before I completely screw myself up never to recover. If I stop now, things will be alright.....

I've been saying that since 2013 when I first created this diary. I said it before then as well. I'm saying it again now. Will I be saying it again in 2 years time? I f*****g hope not.

Moving on, I get paid in just over a week's time. I need that money. I can't panic and I can't get desperate, but even just from a psychological perspective, I need that money. My bank account looks grim.

Onwards and upwards.

Martin , Sorry to hear about your relapse but what the f**k are you doing ? . A £1,000 on roulette ! .

You didn't say if it was Bookies , online, or Casino ?. But whichever one it was , why aren't the blocks in place ? The self exclusions ?.

I don't want to be harsh mate but have you read back over your posts ?. Same thing over and over ! , It ain't gonna stop until you stop my friend !,

Decide which way you want to go with your life , make up your mind and stick to the plan !

You feel angry and cr+P with yourself because you lost again , simple as that ! A couple of weeks ago you had 4k left , thats another grand gone , so when you get to zero or then start getting into debt , how will you feel then ?

Come on mate , sort yourself out , make your mind up and stick to it !!.

Alan

Thanks Alan. I agree. I was incredibly stupid.

Day 4

I've been feeling a lot better the last couple of days. I'm looking forward to getting paid next week and I probably won't update my diary again until then.

Right now, I'm in a positive frame of mind and looking forward to what the rest of the week brings.

Ok my friend , glad to hear your back on track and feeling more positive !

Have a great week !

Best wishes Alan

Hi martin I've read ur diary make sure u stay in a plus, aim to save for ur deposit don't get into debt like so many have. As uve been on here for three years maybe a fresh approach is needed if your going to spend money on gambling spend some on itself that's what I've been doing I'm gamble free for 33 days and when I've got an urge I've bought some food or a dvd or credit for my phone or some jeans. Still see ur money go down but not to the same extreme leve​

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Level. Then u actually have something tangible for the money spent. I've spent years not spending too much money on tangible things then wasting a third of my wage on poker in spare time. It just doesn't make sense maybe spend a few months spending on presents for family for Christmas then think about saving in Jan when everything is quiet.

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Just an idea might not be right for you but its working for me at the mo, adam

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It's been a while since I posted here. I've been up and down, but I have managed to now build up some savings. It's been about 3 months since my last bet online.

I might post some more over the coming days

Martin

I am the parent of a gambler, and your posts echo our own story. As a parent I find it heartbreaking to hear about you bright young people with good jobs and a world of opportunities waiting for you and your lives being ruined by gambling. To watch it happen to someone close is even worse. I doubt whether you youngsters want to hear from a parent or the older generation but all of the parents that come on here are on a mission to help their sons or daughters get back on their feet and you will also find them coming on here to offer support to young people like you as well. It sounds like you have had a rollercoaster ride but seem to be doing well at the moment. Keep watching your savings go up have a goal to aim for i.e. a holiday or deposit on a flat or anything constructive that will make you feel better about yourself. I have heard so many times that old line of " I can just about manage to blow x amount and still get through payday" but 4 or 5 years down the line the inevitable payday loans and overdrafts and loss of credit rating start to kick in and so do the high stress levels and depression. I am sorry to sound hard but that is the harsh reality and I have seen it with my own eyes and I really would not like this to happen to you. Hopefully you won't be tempted again but if you are feeling down just keep reading these posts from these kind people and there are people here who have been in the same position as you so they know what they are talking about. The counsellors on here also offer good advice on self exclusion, finance advice etc.

I wish you luck for the future and a successful career.

gamparent, if you happen to read this, I was very moved by your comments in my diary. Thank you.

So, on to another month now. I feel as if I've been quite sloppy with my finances this month. It's been a little annoying. Nothing gambling related but I feel I should have saved more than I have during August. Anyway, these things happen. Some months are better than others financially.

I'm in an okay place right now. I've managed to get back on a decent financial level and I don't have too many gambling urges.

I don't come on here too often now. The only times I do are when there's a small temptation to gamble or when gambling has been in the news, which it has been for a couple of reasons over the past couple of days. To be honest, even though I appreciate the existence of a forum like this, I'm not sure it helps me too much, with the exception of some inspirational posts like the one above this one by the parent of a gambling addict.

I'm hoping the next couple of months are decent and gamble free. I'm pretty confident they can be if I can continue to put in the hard work and keep the demons from the door.

Hi Martin,

Thanks for your comment on my diary, nothing gained by getting depressed about my past failures, only thing to do is learn from them. Just got to really hammer those lessons through my thick wooden head!

Great to hear your doing well, don't beat yourself up about not saving enough, as long as you're saving at all that's massive progress over slipping the money away to a faceless gambling company.

Great to hear from you,

Ryan

Still no gambling but my mood has dropped considerably this weekend, for no apparent reason. Gambling used to act as a distraction for me. Not now. For better and for worse.

Brain like mush. I know I'll get over it. I've been here before.

I'm feeling a lot better since my last update. Unfortunately, mood swings are common place in my life right now, but the good thing is that I know the bad moods are only temporary and there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

There's still no gambling to report, which I'm happy about. I'm not feeling any major temptation as of right now, but I know that can change quickly depending on what's happening in my life. These past 9 or so months have been really good from the perspective of staying away from the addiction, or at least keeping it at bay.

Things I don't miss about gambling:

- Chasing losses: Whenever I lost a bet, I would try and win that money back, no matter how small. I've been in some ridiculous situations where I've lost a couple of quid only to then lose a three figure sum trying to win such a small amount back. It wasn't just the financial side of this which was a nightmare, but also the emotional side. Sitting there watching an evening race at Kempton, rooting for a 20/1 shot to come in because I need to win back my initial deposit. Yuck.

- The deception: Trying to keep the addiction from family and friends is a nightmare, especially after coming off the back of a terrible loss. I remember going to a house party after having lost one of the biggest sums of my life, essentially putting me in a very tough position. It was a horrible night. Hours and hours of putting a brave face on when all I could think about was how to get that money back. Spending time in the bathroom telling myself it will be alright and things will work out fine.

- Still gambling even when the fun has gone: Playing poker on a weekday evening purely out of habit. Hating myself and hating the game.

- Upping the stakes: Convincing myself that I can deposit £100 into an account and I can play games with a buy in of £5. It was just delusional. Thirty minutes later I'm on roulette spinning £50 at a time to get a "rush." That only leads to one thing long term....misery.

I'm still feeling strong and I still haven't gambled. That's all that I can ask for really.