25 years of age and at a crossroads - Day 1 17th October 2013

Thought I'd drop in and say I am in exactly the same situation as you, I can totally relate when you have written that you are threating over your job security due to debts. I am too. I also sports betted a lot, never touched casino but I have dug myself a 1.4k hole from gambling.

Martin67 wrote: Hi everyone. I created this same post on the new members forum, but I wanted to replicate it here as it is a good starting point. This is day 1 and I will update this diary regularly.

I'm a 25 year old male and as the title suggests, I feel that I'm at a crossroads in my life. If I'm able to stop now, I can still achieve what I want to do in life and have a good future. If I don't and continue to gamble beyond my means, it could mean disaster.

I think at 25, I'm no longer "young", but I'm also at an age where this addiction can be stopped in its tracks and no longer be a burden on me.

My gambling habits are purely online. Going into a bookmakers or a casino doesn't do it for me. I've been gambling since I was 18 years of age. My story will be very familiar for many addicts on this site. It started off with £2 and £3 bets, but quickly escalated. Like many addicts, I had a taste of a big win (£1000 - quite a large amount for an 18 year old student) and ever since then, I've been hooked. I tend to bet on sports, but predictably when I lose, I turn to a casino game for a quick fix. With sports betting, you may have to wait for that next horse race or football match to chase losses, but if there's a casino game, you can chase your losses almost immediately, with a few clicks of your mouse. Again, this will be familiar to many of you.

My current financial position is probably the worst it has ever been, which is why I'm making this post today, because it needs to stop. I have maxed out my overdraft with the bank (around £1500) and my credit card bill is around £1200. I also have other debts totalling £2000. I am in a fairly decent job, however the nature of my business means that no one is ever totally secure. Right now, I am still performing to a good level for my company and I'm not facing any potential problems, however I am wary of making sure that if the day was ever to come where I could be laid off, that I don't have huge debts hanging over my head. I have worked out that I can clear all my debts and have a little extra in my bank account within 3 months, as long as I don't gamble. Any encouragement from people on here would be most welcome.

Gambling is also starting to take an effect on me in terms of my mental health. I have never been professionally diagnosed with a mental health problem, but I know that not everything is going well in this regard. I most likely have some type of depression, and the addiction has been largely to blame. One of the problems I have is not being able to replicate the feeling I get when I gamble, meaning that everyday activities for me become boring very fast. This includes work, socialising, watching television etc. Nothing comes close. This is a problem I am going to have to address over the coming months.

I have no responsibilities to anyone else. I currently don't have a girlfriend and I don't have any children. Therefore, this is all on me. This is my addiction and I have to make sure I beat it. I apologise for the length of this post, but I wanted to put down as much as I could. Feel free to reply with any advice guys.

Hi Martin,

I'm still doing pretty well. I've been finding myself visiting this website a little bit more over the last couple of weeks. This time last year, I had my biggest gambling loss ever, so I'm sure that's part of the reason for coming back every few days and checking out some of the other diary entries.

I'm looking forward to Christmas this year. Last year, I went into that time of year with essentially no money in my savings account and a little bit of debt built up on a credit card. Thankfully, this year, the situation is different. That's been the result of hard work. I've been gamble free now for about 8 or so months. I stopped counting the exact number of days a while back as I felt keeping a record of the exact number wasn't really helpful. What matters is that I stopped.

Like everyone, I need to guard against complacency. Even now, I go through periods where I'm tempted to gamble. I don't think it's something that will ever truly stop, but it does get easier with time. Seeing the improvement in my financial situation helps me as well, although just as important is the mental health aspect to it all. When gambling, there can be incredible highs, but the lows are unbearable.

This time last year, I wept in my room like a little boy. I thought I had finally lost it all. I had finally gone too far this time. The chances of coming back from that loss were minimal. But against the odds, I did work my way back, and hopefully it can stay that way regardless of what else happens in my life.

Hi Martin

Just thought I would update my diary.

Unfortunately, I've relapsed and gambled again in recent weeks. My finances have taken a hit. It's not a situation I can't recover from, but I'm annoyed at myself.

Well, back to it. One step at a time.

Feeling slightly better after my relapse a couple of days ago. I've started doing some more exercise to try and distract me. I feel it keeps my mind busy and can relieve some stress too.

So, back to not gambling again. Hopefully I can get back on the straight and narrow long term. Today, I'm hopeful. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I gambled again last night. It's very frustrating and also a little scary. I know there's no room for complacency with this addiction, but somehow I found myself chasing losses and my bank account has yet again taken a reasonable hit.

I'm now 28. I was 25 when I created this diary. I'm not pleased with how little progress I've made during the previous 2-3 years. But I'll continue to fight on. I've had this addiction on its knees before and will hopefully be close to defeating it again soon.

I was also reading a new post here by "lwt2277" who mentioned how boredom was a major factor when giving up gambling. I would agree 100%. I actually think boredom is one of my biggest trigger factors. When you come off gambling, there is nothing which can replace that high. In a strange way, you actually become addicted to the adrenaline rush of gambling, not so much the gambling itself. That can be dangerous.

I'll need to try and keep myself busy between now and the end of the month, when I'll next get paid. I need to think with a clear mind and hopefully resist any urge I get to gamble again.

Hi Martin, thanks for visiting my diary. As you saw I've had a wobble and before I had excluded I would have went right off course like you. Get those blocks in and keep trying until you kick this fecker of an addiction. We're all on the road of recovery and some of us take the scenic route but get there all the same. Take care friend and keep posting xxx

I've had a good weekend. No more deposits into a gambling account. Generally speaking, my mood has been pretty good. Last night, I could feel that cloud starting to drift over me once more, but I battled through it. I've never been professionally diagnosed with any sort of depression and to be honest I think it's generally over diagnosed. I have to stress that is my own opinion, in case anyone takes offence. I do believe that a type of "depression" is simply a side effect of gambling and in particular gambling addiction withdrawal, so I'm not overly concerned.

Hi Martin

No offence taken but am interested in what you base your opinion on, that depression is over-diagnosed.

Is it evidence or a hunch? There are clinical measurements to diagnose depression. Do you think they are wrong?

Do people just need to pull their socks up?

I tend to disagree re addiction being a side effect of gambling. Addiction is a side effect,or symptom of mental difficulties. Healthy people are not addicts. That said, addiction will compound mental problems, so there is cause and effect in both directions. But the underlying issue is never addiction.

Does it matter? Yes, because people can be very disappointed when gambling abstention does not alone bringing satisfaction, which then perpetuates addiction.

Best wishes

Louis

I started this diary when I was 25 years old. I'm now 28 and I'm still a gambling addict. Life hasn't really gotten any easier. I've wasted a lot of money in these last 3 years. As of today, I'm struggling to live with the regret of having lost tens of thousands of pounds to gambling.

But, I'm still determined to make things work. I'm still employed in a decent job. I can still make back a lot of the money I have lost over the years. I have no debts to my name. I'm still relatively young.

Onwards and upwards.

Hi

Reading your post with interest. You sound quite complacent about being able to recoup any losses and staying out of debt. I hate to sound like the grim reaper but if you carry on as you are somewhere down the line the debts will come and the pressures will be greater. However, if you are determined to recover you are in a prime position with having no debts and a job. In other words you have the potential to have a bright future. Trying to recover on your own is sometimes hard and also if you are keeping this a secret. If you can confide in a friend or family etc and ask them to help you check your spending etc. it is a deterrent to gamble - we have proved this at home. Or just ring Gamcare and talk to them, if you have not already done so. I hope you make today day 1 of that bright future. It can be done. Take care.

Thanks for your post gamparentanon. I've been gamble free now for a few weeks, but admit that complacency has been an issue before. I am very much determined to make it work and live a gamble free life, but I doubt that I will fully overcome this addiction for quite some time, if ever. I know the temptation will likely always exist in some form or another.

I've talked over the phone to Gamcare before and found it very unhelpful, but appreciate that's my own personal experience and other people may have benefited from their help.

I'm going to keep this diary updated as much as I can again. I'm not sure if it helps or not, but thought I would just splurge some of my thoughts down here.

I'm not sure exactly how long it's been since my last bet, but it's been a few weeks. It was on roulette and I lost over a grand. It was money that I didn't feel I could afford to lose, but it didn't stop me from pressing that deposit button every ten minutes or so. Like most gamblers, I didn't stop when I should have and I paid for it.

Since stopping gambling again, I've had very severe mood swings. I'm not that surprised by this. I've been gambling pretty much non stop, with the exception of a few months here and there, for the past ten years now. I'm used to these mood swings being brought about by wins and losses through gambling, so it's going to take a while for my brain to re-adjust to life without those highs and lows. The first week or so was the toughest. I'm starting to feel a little more "normal" now, but I'm really struggling to sleep at night despite being tired. I then struggle to wake up in the mornings as I've had a bad sleep the night before.

I expect these things to pass in time. Weaning yourself off of an addiction is tough for any addict. Gambling is no different.

I've been listening to some podcasts relating to gambling addiction. I would recommend "The Broken Brain" podcast from 2015 if anyone happens to read this. I found it quite insightful and there were some things mentioned there which I hadn't really considered before. It gave me a fresh outlook on some things. For example, one of the guest psychologists made the point that older gambling addicts potentially struggle more financially because they no longer have those working years ahead of them to recoup losses, so if they get into a deep gambling problem and things spiral out of control, it can lead to utter devastation due to entire savings being wiped out without any prospect of getting it back. This was something I had never really thought about, probably because I'm viewing things through the prism of a "young" addict. It made me somewhat appreciative that I still had a lot of years ahead of me and despite losing a lot of money over these years, time is still on my side to a degree. But life is short and there's no room for complacency.

It's the golf Open Championship this week. As someone who used to love betting on sports, it's a tough week. I can't honestly say I "fancied" any particular golfer to win this week and I didn't look at the odds. But it's still somewhat galling to watch it without having a bet. Needless to say, I'll not be watching it as much for that reason.

Overall, I'm feeling fine. Right now, I'm taking each day as it comes. I get paid again in a week. I'm trying to rebuild.

Good luck to any addicts who happen to read.

Another couple of days gone by and no gambling.

I had a good time with a few friends last night. The gambling regrets are still very much there, but I'm trying to avoid thinking about that too much.

It's been about a week since my last update. Things are going relatively well. I've had very few gambling related thoughts and the mood swings are happening less often. I've been paid since I last posted, but there hasn't been any temptation to waste it on a gambling site or a casino.

The new football season will be starting up soon and no doubt there will be a few niggling thoughts at the back of my mind, but I'm confident I'll be able to avoid those and work through it. I've also started running again to regain some fitness and get in a better shape physically as well as mentally.