25 years of age and at a crossroads - Day 1 17th October 2013

Ty, thank you very much for your kind words.

“It sounds to me that it would probably be helpful for you to look at your relationship with money and what value it has overall in your life.” I agree with this and have often thought about the relationship I have with money and the importance I put on it. On the one hand, fear of going in to debt or not saving enough has probably helped me in my recovery. But on the other, I probably think too much about my position, especially compared to others as outlined in my last post. I’m trying to strive towards a healthy balance.

I’ve been in a little bit of a “funk” recently. Nothing too serious but struggling to clear away some of the fog lingering over my brain. I can’t seem to really relax or be at ease. I’m finding myself relived to be in the company of others because I can at least engage with them and not have to be left with my own thoughts, which can sometimes inevitably lead to something gambling related.

I’m not a big fan of counting days, whether it’s the number of days since I last gambled or the number of days remaining until I reach a specific landmark, but I’m going to make an exception as I feel it will help me focus.

So, my target is November 1^st, at which point I’ll reach my next savings landmark of £20,000. I would be able to save more normally but I have some things to pay for over these next couple of months, which will reduce my ability to save. So, that’s roughly 113 days away. And today can be the start of the countdown on my diary.

England play tonight in the World Cup Semi Final. I’m not English myself, but good luck to all England fans on the forum. Wishing you all the best and remember that it’s not worth having a bet on the game. Nothing good can come from it.

I’ve been reading a few diaries and have been encouraged by some of the good advice given by other members. A special mention to gamparentanon and geordie. Hopefully they stick around for a long time and continue to help addicts that come to the site in desperate need of help and guidance.

I feel okay today. I would say my anxiousness has gotten a little worse recently. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but just the feelings I referred to in my last post. I’ll keep an eye on it.

112

I had a good Christmas and New Year. I work away from home 11 months out of 12, so it was good to get back home and see family. On that point, I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to be a little closer to home as I enter my 30’s, so that’s something I’m going to work towards over these next couple of years.

The addiction has been up and down for me. When I do eventually make it back closer to home, I want to look at the possibility of buying a house, but I’m concerned about my potential for a mortgage when I’ve wasted so much money on gambling over the last 12 or so years. I actually believe my credit rating is good and I’ve never taken out any loans, but I added up the total amount of money I’ve wasted over this past decade and it doesn’t make for good reading.

My mental health is in a better place than it has been. I’ve started to walk more and find comfort in taking a wee stroll to random spots. It’s good exercise too, which is good for both physical and mental health.

Still doing well. I do feel mentally stronger at the start of this new year, but I know my emotions can ebb and flow, so there may be times around the corner where I’m not feeling quite as positive. I’ll deal with them the best I can if and when they come.

I’m continuing to get some good exercise in, which is really helping me out. Thoughts of gambling come and go. Right now, there isn’t anything specific I would like to have a bet on necessarily, but there are different triggers which can change things. Boredom is obviously a big one. So is stress. Thankfully, I’ve managed to avoid both of those so far this month.

I really wish I could bottle up that feeling we get when we’re in complete freefall. Anyone reading this will know what I mean. That sick to the stomach feeling when you’re gambling every penny in your bank account and you cannot stop. Picking random numbers on the roulette wheel only to see the neighbour number win time and time again. Backed 28 and 29? Lands on 7. Backed 26 & 32? Lands on 0. Head swirling. Feeling dizzy.

Then you hit zero in your gambling account for the umpteenth time. You have no more money to deposit from your bank account. You now need to wait the next 3 and half weeks until your next pay day. You feel sick, on the verge of tears, but as the minutes pass, a strange relief starts to emerge. You convince yourself that this is it. That was the last time you’ll ever deposit anything in to a gambling account. The whole thing is a fix.

Somehow we get through to the next month. Pay day comes. Then the whole thing starts over.

That circle of gambling life eh ? ..............How I know those feelings all too well my friend as the fobt roulette and the real thing were my poison for so many years , Crazy as it seems I was actually glad when I'd lost the lot so I could go home ? , so that kinda prove's it ain't about the money as that's just gambling tokens and a means to an end :((>

It's so sad when it's in control and were not .

Stay well buddy .

When I was 15/16 years old and still at school, I used to visit a friend’s house at lunch time. He lived just around the corner from the bookies and would regularly pop in and place bets. He used to get served regardless of his age, which I don’t think was too uncommon even 15 years ago. This friend had already left school and didn’t seem to be doing all that much other than playing computer games and I could see his gambling was starting to become more of a problem. I remember having a very different attitude to gambling back then. I just couldn’t understand the appeal of it. My friend was losing money he couldn’t afford, and I just didn’t understand it at all.

It was only 3 years later when I placed my first bet online. It was then only a year after that I was a gambling addict.

I also remember placing sports bets 10 years ago in a shop and watching some guys play the FOBT’s. Just like those years where I watched my friend place bets, I couldn’t understand the appeal. I now understood the appeal of sports betting all too well, but watching a virtual ball roll around a virtual wheel? What was the point in that? Especially when these machines seemed fixed to some extent anyway.

Fast forward another period of time and I’m betting £100 a spin on online roulette. No longer as interested in sports betting as I once was. I had moved on from the drug of sports betting to the crack C*****e of gambling with these casino games.

I only mention this as a warning to anyone who might read this that believes they can control one aspect of their addiction and comfortably stay away from other elements of it. Things change. The addiction can morph time and time again. Complacency can always be a problem for addicts like us and it’s important to keep our guard up.

As of today, I’m okay. I need to work hard to make sure tomorrow is okay too.

I was reading a diary the other day and they were talking about how their health has been affected by their gambling addiction. It’s an interesting topic because I would say my mental and physical health have been affected over the years, but it’s been a gradual thing. It’s not something which has happened overnight, but the ups and downs have taken its toll.

The interesting thing about gambling addiction compared to drugs or alcohol is how hidden it can be. But I still think the effects can be just as devastating.

I’m 30 years old now and still in pretty decent physical health. Mentally, I can be all over the place at times. When you think about what’s going on in your brain during gambling, it’s only natural that this would have some lasting consequences. That constant dopamine release, whether you’re winning or losing, is one hell of a thing. Your brain becomes used to it. That’s why we continue to crave gambling. We want that hit. That fix. So when we’re not getting it, the come down is a nightmare. It can lead to depression, anxiousness and a whole other range of negative emotions.

I read time and time again on here about people who can’t even face the day. They can’t get out of bed in the morning or at least don’t want to. The scary thing is, I’m not sure we can ever go back to the way we were before the addiction. Instead we need to adjust. We need to learn that life might never be the same as our brains have essentially been re-wired as a result of gambling.

I’ve come to terms with that over the years but it still takes some getting used to. Some days are so incredibly tough. I’m not even talking about staying away from gambling. I’m just talking about doing normal things. Getting through the day.

One day at a time. That’s the only way.

You have outlined some really significant factors that affect our health through our past gambling activities. Personally, I think that my brain has become a bit muddled, anxiety has become apparent and I am more insecure.
But maybe as time goes on, without gambling we can install more positive beliefs and newfound confidence.

Your description of the spiral of emotions and thoughts when caught up in the gamblers lair are recognised and accurate. We must keep the feeling of frustration and disappointment of losing at gambling in our mind as a permanent reminder and deterrent.

You seem to be on the road for continued abstinence. We can win every day by NOT gambling.

I have read parts of your diary Martin and your journey and i have to say your way with words is very good. What you say ‘ I’m not sure we can ever go back to the way we were before the addiction. Instead we need to adjust. We need to learn that life might never be the same as our brains have essentially been re-wired as a result of gambling’ is very true. I have gambled for 12 years sunce i was 36!! Always online . Other means do not bother me. I have blocked myself but always find a way. I have eventually told my friend which is a relief but it is my battle that i have to fight nobody elses.i have realised this will be with me forever. You are very good writer and your words have helped me enormously. Thank you again and good luck to you

Yo, so related to your post . Someday even though I have been gf for a few years it’s a real struggle to get through the day , not gambling urges but just life . Have never felt comfortable on this earth , know it’s to do with me and the way I am wired . The positive thing is instead of feeling like that every day , it is happening less and less ,so that’s a positive . Thank you for your post, it’s defo makes me feel that I am not the only one. ....... Have a good day "..........Shiny 🙂

Hi Martin67, I have been reading your diary and I just want to tell you how insightful it is. You commented on my story, as the ex girlfriend of a CG, so I was curious about your story. I congratulate you on your big efforts to banish your gambling demons. I like the fact that have taken responsibility for your addiction. You’re a survivor, not a victim, which is very positive. Wishing you all the very best

I thought I would post a quick update; unfortunately, I’ve been made redundant at work. I have 4 weeks left to go, then that’s me. I’ve referred to it in other posts on my diary, but I live thousands of miles away from home, so the good news to come out of this is that I will most likely move back home, closer to family, and look for work there. I’m only 30 years old and have plenty of good experience, so I’m confident I can find something pretty soon.

I’ve been unhappy for a while now and intended to move back closer to home anyway, so this might turn out to be for the best. In terms of the addiction, things are going fine. I just need to keep my mind focused and not get complacent. I have a modest amount of savings that will see me through the next weeks or months until I pick up another job.