Day 9 (8 days without gambling):
My emotions have been all over the place the last couple of days. Sad, excited, giddy, bored, worried, scared...I don't know what to feel from minute to minute, from hour to hour, from day to day. I can't honestly remember the last time I was truly happy. I think it might have been back at school, when I was very young, hanging about with friends, without a care in the World. I went to University after doing really well academically at school, and I've probably not felt happiness since I left school. As this diary develops, I might expand more on my time at University as it is probably quite key to this addiction. The short form of the story is that I came out of Uni with a Bsc Hons degree, which I am proud of. But my time at Uni was a lot more complex than that. For another diary entry perhaps.
I've still not gambled. I can't afford to. I've mentioned this about 100 times already, but it's worth repeating. I get paid soon. It will be a bitter-sweet feeling. It will help me clear some debts, but my bank balance will still look miserable. No doubt the temptation to gamble will be greater the days after having been paid and my time on here may become more frequent as a result.
I am grateful for the people that visit my diary and leave a little comment of support. Every little helps. I try to offer the same support in other people's diaries. At times my advice can feel a little hollow, but we're all in this together. This is a pretty good community from what I've seen and some of the diaries are very interesting. People's different approaches to battling this thing are varied and often provide food for thought.
I've been trying to find some inspiration from different places. I've been listening to a lot of music recently. I posted the below over on another thread, but it's worth me putting it in my diary as well. This song's lyrics are quite apt for addicts I think and I try to use it for inspiration:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqC5YtutWAU
"Pick Yourself Up" by Nat King Cole.
"Pick yourself up, Take a deep breath, Dust yourself off, And start all over again." - If you give into the addiction, it's time to pick yourself back up, take stock and start again.
"Nothing's impossible, I have found For when my chin is on the ground pick myself up, dust myself off And start all over again." - It may seem difficult to beat this thing, but it's not impossible. If you need to start all over again, so be it, but you can ultimately beat it.
"Don't lose your confidence If you slip be grateful for a pleasant trip And pick yourself up, dust yourself off And start all over again." - Turn the negative into a positive. Be grateful that you've had the experience of gambling addiction as it will make you a stronger person.
"Will you remember the famous men Who had to fall to rise again? They picked themselves up, dust themselves off And start'd all over again." How many successful people had to fight through adversity to get to where they are today? Probably all of them. Just because we have a gambling addiction, doesn't mean that we too cannot be "great" and make a success of our lives.
"Work like a soul inspired Till the battle of the day is won You may be sick and tired But you'll be a man, my son." - This addiction will make you ill, both mentally and physically. Working through the addiction and trying to beat it will not be easy. Of course it won't. But, you will get through it, and when you do, you'll no longer be who you were once were. You'll be someone better.
Hey Martin, Glad to see you've stuck around. Love the song. Wishing you all the best on this journey. Keep recovery in mind, spend time at it, work hard at it and I'm sure you'll be successful. Best to you!
Day 13 (12 days without gambling):
I'm calling this day 13 because it's just turned Tuesday. I've now went 12 days without gambling, which is pleasing. It has been a little more difficult that I had imagined.
The weekend was good, but I had the stress of work hanging over me. Today I log in to find quite literally hundreds of emails. The truth is I'm struggling a little right now at work. How much of this is to do with not gambling, I'm not sure. I've read other diaries, including someone in a very similar position to me, who finds work as a good distraction from the addiction. Unfortunately for me, my addiction used to relieve the stress that came with my job. I said in my initial post that my industry is such that jobs are never 100% secure (what job is these days?) and a couple of emails from people higher up in the company have got me slightly worried. I'm not going to be let go this week or this month, but I am always wary of my position. This can sometimes be a healthy attitude, but with me trying to recover from a gambling addiction, that has lasted the good part of 6 or 7 years, it's putting me on the edge.
What's more, I get paid today. The temptation to gamble will be immense. The stress of work, coupled with a little bit more money is a recipe for disaster. Hopefully, I can resist.
I'm beginning to panic a little. But, I also know that if I can see this through to the end of the year at least, I will be in such a better position than I am now. Time will tell if I am able to stay strong or if it all becomes a little too much and I give into this vice.
Mate seriously you need to stay strong and positive. We both started around the sane time, even though your finding it harder than expected your beating it.
Get your bills paid and get that money in a safe place or out the account. Remember those vile gambling hangovers, no one needs that cr**.
Be proud of your successful journey so far. Best of luck with work at the moment
Daniel
Day 14 (13 days without gambling):
I'm not in a good place right now. I feel on edge. My fear of my job security is irrational and bordering on delusional. I will do well to get through these next few days without gambling.
Daniel, thank you for your post. I'm trying to stay strong.
Thanks for my post fella.
Enjoyed reading about your 1000/1 experience. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who gets these urges, I guess they will always be there for us all who know we should not venture into the dark.
I suggest you put all your effort into your job, all the effort you are giving from abstaining from 'our' bug will help you to focus on working harder toward a better way of living. If you give 100 per cent commitment to your job whatever it may be there will be no way you can criticise yourself with whatever may be on the horizon.
Don't gamble Mart, don't let this vicious back into your life!!!
Keep posting when it gets tough, it really helps.
Hi Martin,
Firstly let me say what a fantastic read your diary is. Your story is so similar to mine it is scary. Depositing small amounts then doubling it to play with for a while then chasing the inevitable losses!
I am on Day 1 of my recovery so I am in no place to tell you how to go about this but I just wanted to say good luck and you have done amazingly well so far mate!
I just hope I can reach 14 days gamble free like you have.
Keep up the good work mate, I will be checking your diary constantly to help me!
Ste
Hi Martin, good to see you're doing well. We both signed up around the same sort of time and I've been wondering how you were getting on. First chance I've checked this forum in a while - without gambling I'm not online anywhere near as much.
Happy to see you are still battling through it. I feel the same with the football. Untangling football and gambling is going to be the hardest part I think.
First off, thank you to the guys who have posted in my diary since I last updated it. Your support means a lot.
Day 18 (17 days without gambling):
I've been feeling slightly better over the last couple of days. I have been busy with work and I've not had too much time to think about other things. I'm still very much addicted to gambling and I just hope I can make it through the month without going back to it.
I got paid around a week ago. As I predicted in one of my earlier entries, it was very much a bitter sweet feeling. I momentarily got out of my overdraft, but only barely. I am now back in the red as I've had to pay bills etc. It's depressing and it's frustrating, but it is a result of reckless gambling over the last few months. On the positive side, I have paid a little bit off my credit card, so I may be able to clear off that debt by the end of the year.
I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to just take things one step at a time.
Seems as though your doing well so don't go back to it!
You will be in the black soon enough but if you get that spade out and start digging the hole will only get deeper. I too have a feeling of guilt when I get paid where it feels as though losing didn't happen or matter as much because it's not as raw.
Buy yourself a cake and treat your senses with a cheap enough moment of pleasure that won't break the bank. I no longer bet but will guarantee that you will be on to a winner with a cream donut.
Take care Mart
Day 26 (25 days without gambling):
I was looking back at my diary today and couldn't believe my last post was more than a week ago. The week has went by very quickly, which has been good for me as it has been another week without gambling. I feel as if I'm doing really well at this point. I've had a couple of letters through from a few different sources saying that I owe them money totalling around £400. It's not entirely unexpected, but they need to be paid. It's not going to help my overdraft situation, but I checked into my bank account today to find out that I only had around £600 left to pay on my credit card. Hooray!! That's a big improvement on a month ago, and it's as a result of not gambling.
I'm feeling slightly better within myself just now. I wouldn't say that I'm 100% well psychologically, but I'm in a better place as of today. That can change on a daily basis though. I'm going to try and log in here a little bit more often over the next few days. I hope everyone else is still going strong!!
Well done on your 25 days free
Thank you Michael for your kind words.
Day 28 (27 days without gambling):
I've had to resist a little bit of temptation over the last day or so. There's a golf tournament coming up that I normally would have bet on, so I was tempted to even just look at the odds. Thankfully, I've stayed clear.
A couple of weeks ago, I was writing about how I was a little concerned about job security. I feel a lot better about that now. I knew I was being irrational at the time, but it was probably the "addiction" part of my brain trying to steer me back to gambling. Stress is a pretty big trigger factor for me. Thankfully, work has actually been a welcome distraction over the past week or so.
I'm looking forward to the weekend. Only a few more days to go. There won't be much temptation to gamble on football at the weekend as there's not much on besides International games, which I never found too appealing to bet on anyway.
I hope I can stay strong and stay clear of my addiction!!
Hi Julie. Thanks for your kind words.
Day 32 (31 days without gambling):
31 days without gambling and I feel good. No major temptations to speak of. My bank account still paints a pretty depressing picture, but that will hopefully change beginning with the new year. I'm checking this site on a regular basis and its good to see some of the same people going strong. I hope I can get through another 31 days without gambling.
Day 36 (35 days without gambling):
Things are going very well just now. I have very little urge to gamble and I'm feeling better within myself. There was a bit of a wobble early on with this streak where every day seemed to drag, but I now can go a full day where I maybe only think about my addiction a handful of times. That's a big improvement on where I was 35 days ago. My financial position is still very poor, but I'm working on that and I hope most of my debts will be cleared by the end of the year.
I'm looking forward to Christmas and spending time with my family without thinking about gambling.
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