25 years of age and at a crossroads - Day 1 17th October 2013

Thanks for the support rainman. I needed a good kick up the backside and your post did that for me.

Day 83 (82 Days without gambling):

So, I ended up going out at the weekend. It was a bit of an eye opener to say the least. Let's just say I won't be touching alcohol for a very long time. I don't think drinking alcohol is a good idea for me. I usually know when to stop, but one thing led to another at the weekend and things got way out of control. Maybe I was trying to compensate for the lack of a high without gambling, but I doubt it. I've decided to stay off any booze for a long while, which is something I can do quite easily.

I've still not went back to gambling, which is something to feel grateful for. I'm actually in a much more positive frame of mind right now. Last week I was quite low, but I'm starting to look forward to the future again.

I've not had that really big urge to gamble yet this year, but no doubt it will come sooner rather than later. I'll just have to resist the temptation as I have done up until now.

I read a success story a couple of days ago on here from a guy who hadn't posted in about a year. But he logged back in to say that he hadn't gambled and that his business was booming. I meant to log in and say well done to that guy, but it slipped my mind because I was at work. I'll probably try and find his diary again. It's good to read success stories to remind me that this thing is beatable. I'm now on my 83rd day without gambling. Going a whole year without it seems a long way off right now, but I feel a lot more confident now compared to how I felt around a week ago.

Day 87 (86 Days without gambling):

My thoughts today:

1. Today matches the longest streak I've ever went on without gambling. I managed to get to 87 days at some point last year before re-lapsing. This time, it will be different.

2. I have cleared all of my debts as of today, with the exception of £200 on my credit card, which is manageable.

3. Is happiness really a choice? Some people seem to think so and I can understand the logic in that. I'm trying to "choose" to be happy. I'll see how that works out.

4. I might treat myself to a Dominos pizza tonight lol.

Hey Martin,

Thank you for your lovely message...really pleased for you!! 87 days is massive achievement and i am sure you will keep going strong and get all the benefits recovery offers :-))

Dominos pizza is good...happiness to the belly lol ;-))

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Day 98 (97 Days without gambling):

On to day 98 now. I've not made a diary entry in a while, but I've been checking other people's diaries now and again. I'm seeing a lot of people talk about how they're doing well and that they don't see a scenario in which gambling is going to come back into their lives anytime soon. That's great. Unfortunately, I feel the opposite on Day 98. I've now went 97 days without gambling and I still feel like this thing is hanging over me like the Grim Reaper. I feel like I could give into this addiction at any time, anywhere. It's depressing. I made a conscious effort 98 days ago to give this up. To not make another deposit into a gambling account. I thought it would get easier. Wrong. It's as tough as it was on Day 1. If not tougher. Back then, I was starting a new challenge. It was a little bit exciting. Now, I'm just trying to get through each day. Trying to push those thoughts of gambling to another part of my brain. Trying to resist the awful temptation to go on my favourite site and deposit another £300.

I've had easier days throughout this process. There have been days where I feel optimistic about the future. This isn't one of them unfortunately. I am lost. There is no getting away from that. I will describe my feelings in this entry with regards to gambling for my own records.

When I have money in my gambling account online, I feel "safe." I feel like that money, whether it's £100 or £2000, is a safety net. The greater the amount, the better. I don't want to withdraw this money. I have no interest in that. I just want to keep it there. When I have money in my gambling account online, everything else in life is easier. And I mean everything. Work is easier. Socializing is easier. Motivating myself to do things is easier. My mood is significantly improved. Everything is better.

When I don't have any money there, I feel lost. I feel uneasy. I feel stressed. I feel desperate. I panic. There's a feeling of impending doom.

Then I gamble again. Sometimes I win and I feel great again. More often than not, I lose. Then I feel even worse. The feeling of being lost has now turned into anger and my head is an absolute mess. I try to win the money back and that leads to disaster. Sometimes my next wage might cover the losses. Sometimes it won't and I'll be left living month to month like a drug addict, wanting to score his next fix.

I'm putting this down here because it matters. It matters a lot to me. My hope is that I can look back on this another 98 days from now and try to put pieces of the puzzle together. I want to try and make sense of this addiction and my relationship with it.

When I started this diary, I thought that by this stage, I would be feeling great. That I would be feeling like gambling was in the rear view mirror. What I didn't realize was that with 98 days gone, my journey through this living Hell has merely just begun. I'm 25 years old. How many more years of my life will be wasted on this addiction?

Hi Martin,

I hear you my friend. Recovery comes together with ups and downs, but we have the last wotd in making final decisions.Every day is different and i am pleased to see, you come here and got it all out of your chest.

I had close call in early hours today myself. This addiction does bring huge fog over our heads some days. Sometimes, the best way is not look for the way out through it, but close your eyes and go through it head on...we always come out the other end, and as winners.

Don't give into urges, don't feed the beast, you are no 1 person in ur recovery. Keep going strong, keep fighting for ur future.

Keep posting ans stay close by.u are not on ur own..you can do it, you are foing it!! Upwards and onwards my friend!!!

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Martin thanks for the post, partly replied on my own diary.

Well done on the 98 days and glad to hear everything is feeling better for you.

At 25 you have a lot of life ahead of you. Dont waste it by gambling. (Talking from experience, I've gambled since I was 14, I'm now 47 and I have lost circa £600,000 not including my current debts.)

re your point about amounts, I started off with 50p bets and gradually increased the amount as salary increased over the years. I have bet up to £300 on a virtual horse race and my highest on football is £500 and highest on a horse race was £1500. So my current £200 a week is back at a manageable. controlled level. But while this is working for me on football and golf only that is based on that being my goal and following 6 hard years of recovery.

I'd strongly recommend that you look to abstain from all gambling, to take away any risk that it ends up having a huge negative impact on your life if you try and control it and you cant.

I cant see myself living without my football and golf bets but it cant work that way for the majority.

Best wishes

Julie, Sandra & Captain. Thank you for posting on my diary. All three of you have helped me get through these last two days in different ways. Your contributions show the strength of this forum. Without your help, I probably would have gave in and gambled again. Instead, I'm still on track. Thank you so much.

Day 100 (99 Days without gambling):

The last two days have been the roughest. On day 98, there was just an all out war going on in my head. Thankfully, the logical, sensible side of my brain seems to have won this one. The illogical, gambling side of my brain will try and dominate again at some stage, but it's passed for now and I feel calmer and more at ease. I had a lot of help from the three people above.

I'm now on my 100th day of this abstinence streak. I'm confident that I'll see it out. If I do, I will be a great milestone for me. The biggest difference between where I was 100 days ago and now is my financial position. For the first time in a long while, I'm looking to save a little bit of money. Not to clear debts or get out of an overdraft, but with the aim of maybe securing a good future for myself.

I said on day one of this diary and it's in the title as well, that I was and still am at a crossroads in my life. There are people here older and wiser than I am and I've benefited from their experience with gambling addiction. I hope I've got another 100 days ahead of me.

Martin

May I take the opportunity to congratulate you on your 100 days continued abstinence, something to be very proud of.

Well done for making an educated choice which will work for you fella, this journey is bespoke, you have to find a way to end the destruction that is your compulsive gambling and then enjoy maintaining it.

Those urges will come and try to undo all the hard work, entice you back in, but each time you stand and face them your resolve will grow.

You have made great progress, solid foundations on which to continue,all made possible by the decision to arrest your addiction.

Well done.

Be kind to yourself, addiction really hates that, it wants us to beat up on ourselves, think it is our only friend.

Today I thak you for sharing, today I can see again what a united Gamcare can achieve.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for your posts guys.

Day 101 (100 Days without gambling):

So, I made it through my 100th day. I felt pretty good. I feel much more at ease now. Last week was very rocky, but going into this weekend, I feel somewhat refreshed. There is very little temptation to gamble right now. It just goes to show that if you can ride those storms out of feeling the urge to gamble, you will feel better for it. I have to say over the last couple of days there, it really was touch and go. But I'm grateful that I held it together.

Life is fine for now, and that's all I can ask for.

Day 102 (101 Days without gambling):

The weekend has went in quite quickly. I've slept during a lot of it. I've been catching up because I didn't get much sleep during the week.

I've managed to get through the weekend without depositing into my gambling account, which has been pleasing. Unfortunately, the temptation is still there and will probably remain so for the foreseeable future. It's something I have to get used to, I guess.

I'm thinking about maybe taking a little break from Gamcare for a while. It has helped me immensely, especially recently where other users' posts helped me get through a difficult period. But, I feel as if I maybe just have to shut gambling off completely and try and put all my attention on something else. Coming on here helps me in many ways, but also reminds me of who I am. A gambling addict. Maybe not coming here for a while will lead my thoughts elsewhere.

I plan to maybe update this diary in another 50 or 100 days from now, when hopefully I'm still gamble free.

Hi Martin

It is your choice to stay away but your addictive mind is going to be ever so pleased you are staying away from your medicine! Have a long think about what you want to do as if this is working why would you stay away?

Take care

Thanks for the post Martin and you are probably right that some people are in denial about their real issues.

Really appreciate the post on my diary Martin - someone like yourself giving me positive feedback means so much to me and should help demonstrate to others that there is no need to try and isolate me and treat me differently just because my choice of recovery route doesnt follow the majority.

Keep the abstinence going.

Day 108 (107 Days without gambling):

I didn't plan on re-visiting my diary anytime soon but I felt as if this was a good time to put down my thoughts. I'm still going strong. I'm feeling strong within myself right now and I hope I can continue going along as I am.

Unfortunately over the last week or so, I've seen an uglier side to this forum. When I first joined, I thought that pretty much everyone was supportive of each other. There were quite a few regulars who had been here for a number of years and they tended to stick to themselves which was understandable. As far as I can see there is a very light moderation of these forums which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, but a few people have commented on a users' diary on here with comments bordering on unacceptable, in my opinion. This ranges from claiming the user isn't "genuine" to accusing the user of deliberately "winding up" other people. Both accusations have been so wide of the mark, it's unbelievable and frankly embarrassing.

There are some diaries on here I wouldn't comment on, for one reason or another. But one thing I would never do is to comment something negative on anyone's diary. To do so is unbelievably disrespectful. Everyone on here has their own issues and I think only posts of encouragement should be acceptable. If you don't like what someone has to say, it's very simple. You move on. You go and post in your own diary with your own thoughts as I'm doing now or you go and read someone else's diary.

Overall, I think this place is good for gambling addicts. I've personally benefited from the support I've received from others, especially Captain46, Julie, rainman and Sandra amongst some others like nipped, Duncan and smiler. I hope this continues and I try my best to post some support in return.

We're all in this together folks.

Martin,

I wanted to drop you a quick post to highlight two things. The first thing is to congratulate you on your excellent progress. You continue to make great strides and deserve great credit for this.

The second point is to say that, like you, I was always a big supporter of Captain and always jumped to his defence when he was singled out for criticism. This happened on more than one occasion. I have clearly changed my mind now.

In over two years on this forum I have sent one critical post. I believed it was the right thing to do although, in an ideal world, it would have been better said one on one without anyone else being privy to it. How do you do that on this forum while remaining anonymous. Difficult situation.

It is my opinion that his diary is a bad influence on newcomers. New people come here desperate and scared and learn right away that the best way to stop their gambling problem is to stop gambling. Captain's own recovery plan allows for gambling. That is his choice but he is the only one on this site making the decision to practice recovery while continuing to gamble. Again, his choice and perhaps not for me to comment.

Time will tell if your mind changes on this matter.

Keep up the good work. I wish for good things for you.

Tomso.