25 years of age and at a crossroads - Day 1 17th October 2013

Thanks for the supportive references on your own diary and on mine Martin. Your descriptions of the latest character beating post made to me were very appropriate!

Keep the focus on your recovery and keep the abstinence going.

Hi Martin,

Thanks for your support on my diary, I did indeed get through the Superbowl without considering the option of placing a bet. I thought the hype and interest in a possible bet placed on the game by Floyd Mayweather was interesting, and if the rumours were true then it shows that gambling just doesn't pay.

I absolutely agree with you about the importance of being positive and encouraging on this forum, and if I can't say anything nice, I usually go with saying nothing. Whether you choose to take a break from the forum or not, I hope you can progress towards a future that his happier and free from gambling.

All the best

Ryan

Day 111 (110 Days without gambling):

Still hanging on in there. I've felt like s*** all day. Nothing to do with gambling. Just in general.

Why can't you swear on this site? lol

I've often wondered that. Quite often I feel like swearing when describing how I feel or whatever, but it's always censored. It seems a little silly. We're all adults here, right?

Anyway, I'm so unmotivated right now, it's ridiculous. I'm not sleeping properly either which isn't helping. I'm beginning to understand the importance of sleep and getting into a routine. I find that it helps with my mood when I sleep at regular intervals.

I'm also beginning to understand my addiction more. I gambled to get away from my problems. My problems being feeling like s*** pretty much every day. I have some days where I feel good, but most of the time, I just feel depressed.

When I gambled, my thoughts would always be on my finances; how I was going to afford rent? How I was going to pay for my car? When would I next get paid?

I'm glad I don't have these thoughts so much now, but they've been replaced with the stuff that I gambled to get away from.

Oh well. Maybe one day, I'll enjoy life again. Onwards and upwards.

And I'm sorry if anyone reads this and also feels depressed afterwards because reading it back, it's not exactly a barrel of laughs.

Hi Martin,

I think these days strike many of us from time to time, sometimes things are all hunky dory and we feel like we are making progress, other times it is a question of is it all worth it. The answer is yes, it is definitely worth it.

Keep up the good work mate, gambling is just a parasite that will only amplify the negativity.

All the best

Ryan

Hi Martin

I can relate to your post a few days ago saying you were taking a break from Gamcare as you felt it was keeping gambling alive in your mind. I feel similar, in fact there has been times in the past that I've relapsed immediately after spending hours reading posts here. I felt gambling be it the urges to gamble or this site was constantly taking over every moment. In the last week I've not posted much, have thought less about gambling and feel better for it. My approach is going to be to post maybe weekly or fortnightly.

I also see you and others get a lot of responses and support in your diary. Unfortunately I must be too boring as I haven't found this. I have a disability where I have lost my social circle of friends and now I feel an added recluse as I don't seem to have found anyone on the same wavelength as me even though we are all here as we are compulsive gamblers. Sorry for ranting on a bit I admire your strength and your posts are inspirational. Keep taking small step at a time and you will get through this.

Mo

Day 114 (113 Days without gambling):

I'm feeling pretty good today, but my mood changes like the weather unfortunately : )

Two things; first of all, I've been getting a lot of cold calls to my work's phone about investing in stocks/financial advice. It's a complete con. They invest your money and before you know it, it's probably in someone else's pocket. I've told most of them to f***f. Not in those words. I was more polite. I won't be handing my money over to anyone. The gambling addiction has made me quite defensive about any money I have.

Second; I've been watching youtube videos of a guy called James and you can find his videos if you search for "diary of a compulsive gambler." Now, the first thing I have to say is that I STRONGLY recommend you don't watch these videos. It starts off very depressing with the guy almost suicidal, but it then just turns into a tirade against the bookmakers, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it's someone looking to shift the blame for his addiction elsewhere, which is one of the things I cannot stand. I stopped watching after his 50th entry. The whole thing is just a bit "off". I can't quite describe it. If anyone reads this and is a little curious about his videos, maybe watch one or two, but it's not worth your effort watching any more.

I'm still going along well. Hoping for a good weekend.

Hey man,

Just wanted to say hey. I'm a twenty eight year old and can relate to your posts. Keep it up.

Hi Martin,

Well done on your continued abstinence, and while beating gambling is easy when you're feeling good, its those down times that are the toughest to get through. Recovery might be unique for everyone, but major mood swings hit many of us from time to time, maybe its something to do with the mentality of the compulsive gambler.

Keep fighting the good fight and hope you keep feeling good through the weekend.

Ryan

Day 119 (118 Days without gambling):

I'm still feeling okay. February is going in a lot quicker than January. That's no great surprise. I'm sure that's the same for most folks.

I've been watching a lot of films recently. I just watched a film called "Out of the Furnace" starring Christian Bale. It was pretty good. I didn't know a lot about it before going to see it, so I was surprised with just how good it was considering very few people are talking about it.

My work is annoying right now. I have so little motivation for work at this moment in time. I don't know how to correct this. I plan on really getting stuck into my work over the next couple of days.

My addiction is okay right now. No major problems to speak of. As another user, Bobsok says, Guard Up. That's what I've been trying to do and it seems to be working okay.

I've also been watching the Winter Olympics. I'm not sure I like it. I just can't get all that excited about people skiing down a slope. I like the ice hockey though. Hoping for a big Russia v USA showdown in the final.

Thanks to the folk leaving comments of support. I hope to swing by your diaries shortly with messages of support.

Hey Martin,

Your post raised smile on my face 🙂

Very casual and straight to the point. Good that you are keeping yourself busy and taking ur mind off the addiction. As of work, d**n, can't it get annoying?? I find myself struggling to find a motivation at work. You try ur best, but seems like hitting a wall most of times. This shall pass too my friend 🙂

Keep on the right track, keep making the right choice and keep heading to those calmer waters in your life.

Very well done on ur continued abstinence, 119 days is great!! Keep it up and keep making the right choice!! 🙂

All the best

Sandra x

Hi Martin,

Well done on your continued abstinence from gambling, and hope work starts being less of an a**e. I think it can be for everyone from time to time.

As for the Winter Olympics, I've been taking an alternative perspective. I've found the women on the British curling team to be particularly attractive. Also, I like to imagine the biathlon as some sort of cold war assassin training - after, skiing, shooting and skiing some more is what someone going to kill a political target in Siberia is going to need. Childish look at things maybe, but it amuses me.

I'll have to check out the Christian Bale film, I hadn't heard of it before today.

All the best mate,

Ryan

Well done on the continued abstinence Martin, keep it going. Winter Olympics is not something I would take any interest in but having said that there is not a lot on TV in general that I enjoy.

Hope work improves soon.

Day 124 (123 Days without gambling):

One aspiration that I have is that in the not too distant future I'll have enough money to look at putting down a deposit on a house. Obviously this would require taking on a mortgage. Has anyone here had experience with taking out a mortgage whilst being an addict? I'm a little concerned that when they look at my financial history, they'll see a lot of gambling transactions and I may be knocked back on that basis. If anyone has any first hand experiences on this, I would appreciate hearing your story.

Everything else is fine. I was a little on edge on Sunday and can't get to sleep. My sleeping patterns remain a concern. I wish I could get into a good sleeping pattern because I believe it to be crucial to my recovery and continued abstinence. When I lack sleep or when I'm up at weird times, it messes with me and I'm more susceptible to gambling.

Day 125 (124 Days without gambling):

No major problems. The past two days were a little tougher than normal, but I seen them out. This week the temptation will be bigger because it's the return of the Champions League. I'll just need to be disciplined. I'm sure I'll be fine. No complacency though.

I've been thinking a little more about my time at University, which was very difficult for me and it was around that time that addiction started to take hold. I'm not sure what came first; my problems at Uni or the gambling. I think I've discussed this somewhere else in my diary. Looking back, I always had a tough time concentrating at Uni. Both in lectures and when studying. I always put that down to not enjoying the course, but now I'm not so sure. Anyway, I did eventually graduate, but it ultimately went down an unexpected path. I might go back to university one day.

Day 130 (129 Days without gambling):

Just checking into my diary. I don't really know how I feel right now. The addiction is fine. Last week was maybe a little more difficult than normal because the Champions League was back, but I can safely say I wouldn't have won any money had I bet on any of those matches. Yesterday was tough as well because I was bored and my mind started to drift a little bit towards gambling. But, I went out for a walk as soon as those thoughts entered my mind and that seemed to do the trick.

I'm pleased with the progress I've made since I started this diary. I remember back to the weeks and months preceding the creation of this diary and they were amongst the worst experiences I've had with gambling addiction. Financially, I was in the worst place I had ever been and even though I was determined to get better, I was really struggling to cope. Thankfully, things have improved considerably since then. I still have to conquer the psychological impact this addiction has had on me, but I'm doing a lot better now than I was 130 days ago. That's for sure.