25 years of age and at a crossroads - Day 1 17th October 2013

Martin,

Thanks for the post, which is much appreciated.

I have been reading your diary and can see the progress you are making. You seem like an intelligent type and appear level headed but just beware of that boredom setting in. I slipped up after ten months of abstinence through boredom and it set me back unbelievably. As simple as mistakenly turning up an hour early for a physio appointment and a further year and a half of misery was to be mine.

Now that I have experienced that complacency I will ensure it doesn't happen again. Nowadays, I focus only on the positives of not gambling. I don't acknowledge there are things that I am missing out on through not gambling.

When I first quit gambling a few years back I lost interest in watching live football for a while. It was just my brain adjusting. Now I enjoy it more than ever. I had to give myself that opportunity however.

Keep doing what you are doing. Continue to open your mind to the better life you are living by not gambling. You will enjoy a life full of promise and joy. Enjoy it every day.

Tomso.

Well done on not bettmg on the champions league Martin. If you can watch football without betting on it great. I can't do that. The enjoyment of watching football without a bet was over 20 years ago too much time spent gambling on it since then. Now an individual match is just 22 guys kicking a ball about, does nothing for me, dunno if it will always be that way.

Anyway keep up the good work.

Day 131 (130 Days without gambling):

I woke up this morning in a good mood, which is really rare for me. For the first time in a while, I felt relaxed and free of a lot of worry. I knew it wouldn't last though. I'm feeling a little down again. It's so ******* annoying.

I've been reading a lot of other diaries as well. This addiction really does affect so many people. A lot of people's stories are similar, but each of them brings something new to the forum. I'm glad this place exists. It's been a good source for me when I'm maybe feeling a bit down or on edge.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. I get paid again soon, so I'll need keep my guard up. I can't get complacent.

Confessions of a Highland Hero - Steve 'Pele' Paterson

Day 140 (139 Days without gambling):

Just checking in. I haven't been posting much lately. Still going along okay. I've been reflecting on where I was 140 days ago and I feel pleased and proud that I've come this far with the addiction. Right now, I'm doing well. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Day 141 (140 Days without gambling):

I'm feeling quite strong just now. I think Julie said it best when she says the calmer days are here right now. That's a pretty good way of summing it up. I'm not too stressed. I'm leaving any problems at work when my shift finishes, which is the way it should be. Even when I am working, I try to stay calm as much as I can.

Next week is the start of the Cheltenham Festival, a 4 day horse racing meeting. It's probably one of the biggest betting weeks of the year. Horses don't interest me in the same way that football or golf does, but I liked a flutter on them now and again, particularity on the big races like the Gold Cup or The Grand National (which is next month). I'm sure I'll be fine. I will watch some of Cheltenham and just enjoy the action, rather than bet on it.

Financially, things are going pretty well. I had a debt to pay back last month which essentially wiped out any progress I made that month, so it felt like a month's wage wasted. But I seem to be making up for that so far this month, saving where I can, with the exception of the odd Domino's pizza (my weakness lol).

I'm going to try and contribute to a few diaries over the coming days. The forum seems to be busier than ever now. It just goes to show how much of a problem gambling addiction is becoming for the whole of society. I would say that most people probably know a gambling addict, whether it's a family member, a colleague or a friend. A lot of people point the finger at FOBT's but there's more to it than that. The rise of gambling addiction isn't down to any one thing, but instead a mixture of different factors.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. Best be off. If someone reads this, and they're struggling, stay strong. I've had some terrible days and nights through this abstinence period, but things do get a bit better. I might have went 140 days, but to use another user's phrase, I'm keeping my "guard up."

Hi Martin,

Well done for keeping away from gambling and continuing with your progress to a prosperous and gamble free future. Those calm days are good, I know I get them myself, but its important not to let that calm become complacency.

There was probably only a handful of times I'd ever gambled on horses, so fortunately it is one vice I've avoided. Hope you enjoy watching it nonetheless.

As for a Domino's Pizza, I only do that when they text me a 1/2 price code or I can find a good voucher online. Now I've got some money, it ain't getting away from me without a fight!

All the best mate,

Ryan

Hey Martin,

Lovely to hear from you :-)) and even more chuffed to see you are moving further away from destruction. Way to go dear fighter, fantastic achievement, be proud!!!

I am not as active on here anymore, but do read the treads. Still on the wagon and enjoying the ride 🙂

Keep doing what you doing, more peace and happiness will surely come knocking at ur door :-))) keep it up!!

Day at a time

Sandra x

Martin,

Just a quick post to say that I have noticed you have gone a little quiet. I hope everything is O.K. and you are doing well.

Tomso.

Day 3 (2 Days without gambling, previous best 145 Days):

I slipped up unfortunately. I got to 145 days of abstinence and then last week, things just went from bad to worse really. I would say my total losses were around £1500. I've been back on the abstinence streak since Sunday. I must have racked up about 50 betting transactions on my account from last week. Not all of them were deposits. There were some withdrawals as I tried to minimize the damage.

I'm not ashamed to say that the reason why I turned back to gambling was just out of sheer boredom. It was as simple as sitting in my flat one minute and the next minute back on to my favourite casino game online. One thing I realized a while back was that I'm as much addicted to losing as anything else. There's something about the whole chaos which surrounds me when I'm on a gambling binge that is somewhat addictive. Very strange and extremely destructive.

Since my slip up, I've been severely tempted to chase losses as I'm sure any one reading this can sympathize with. The only thing holding me back right now is knowing that it would be virtually impossible for me to win £1500 through gambling. I'm much more likely to lose another £1500.

I probably won't update this diary as often as I did before. My enthusiasm has somewhat decreased.

Martin,

I am really sorry to hear about last week's troubles. I sympathise fully with your situation because I have been there. A lot of your post described how I felt three months ago.

First of all, I lost more than normal and gave up chasing because deep down I knew that I couldn't win that back on a roulette wheel. Secondly, when I first came here I went ten months gamble free and then slipped the size of this destruction was massive and I had no idea. I lost all motivation for this forum and spent the next year slipping up every single month. I don't think I managed to go longer than three weeks at a time without gambling. Don't let that be you.

Automatically, you will be wanting to beat yourself up but try not to. You did amazingly well and showed maturity beyond your years. I don't know of anyone on here who got it right first time round.

I got urges at the weekend which I managed to easily overcome but, in all honesty, last year I would have been behind a roulette wheel at the first sign of trouble. Not now because I have built up a little experience. You have started to build up your own experience. You slipped up because you got bored and maybe next time you will be able to deal with this in a more healthy fashion.

Last year was awful for me. I didn't have the courage to stop. I didn't have the confidence to stop and it cost me massively. I too became addicted to losing. I think I was trying to hurt myself. Looking back now none of it was worth it. I am better than that. So are you.

Please, please dust yourself down and tell yourself that this slip can be overcome. Forget the money as horrendous as it seems it can get a lot worse if you continue down a destructive road. I would never have believed that but now I know through experience how far I would be willing to go to chase losses during bad times.

Don't ever give up trying for a better, happier life. We only get one life don't waste any of it in private turmoil chasing gambling losses.

Good luck. Hope to read consistent posts on your diary.

Tomso.

Sorry to read about your return to gambling and your losses Martin.

I have never and will never subscribe to the 'back to Day1' thinking. I think that is negative thinking which just pulls people down. you are in recovery from an addiction you cannot control. Your recovery started at the point you admitted you had a problem. It continues today and tomorrow. You have made great strides.

You feel rubbish at the moment after losing £1500, it is a setback, but you need to try and move on. It is not easy after an episode like that but you will get there. Boredom is a common factor. I have been there manty times. I have now learned to live with boredom. I sit and look out of the window. I read books. I watch TV and DVDs. I go for walks. These things are all of moderate and limited appeal and enjoyment. I'd rather be able to play sport or gamble. I cant play sport and if I gamble I cant control. So I have learned to live without random gambling.

I have a lot of limitations and circumstances and history that you dont. You are a young guy, there must be plenty of things you can do which you would enjoy. Get out there and find them. Make yourself a good life. Learn to live without gambling.

Evening Martin

Fella I came to your diary today because Tomso posted on my thread this morning to say you may need some support.

Two things stand out for me that I would like to comment on.

First you found yourself through boredom gambling again, might I ask how that was possible without it would seem too much effort, did you not have blocks in place, do you have a gamblock on your pc/laptop, if not do you think it is time to put one in place.

To be able to access the sort of funds you talk about suprised me too, £1500 notes is a lot of wedge to spend to relieve that boredom, maybe it is to time to limit the access you have to your money.

Bottom line is fella it is up to you how you go about recovery, it's yours, whether you use the forum as a working tool that only you know.

Like the blocks they are only as strong as you make them, the end choice is down to you.

For me it is totally unacceptable for me to have a punt in any form, because with honesty I know the outcome will be loss, whether the bookies choose to gift me a temporary win which I would gift back and some or not is irrelevant because for me the end game, the result will always be the same, the financial losses are the very least of the worries for me, it plain and simply is the mind f**k I never want to experience again.

You talk of not having the same passion for the forum since your gambling re-entered your life, for me this is plain and simply the compulsive gambler talking, telling you f**k it!! whats the point??

Well again that is for you to decide, as harsh as it will read you will only stop the misery when you have had enough of losing.

You know there is another way, to arrest the punt, to continue with making a choice where luck will not play a part in the picture.

It is a life choice, something that will never go away, you will never be cured, nor will I, but you can re educate your mind, you can live a life in which episodes of self destruction through gambling will simply cease to exist.

Captain is bang on, you are 25 yrs old fella, you really do have the rest of your life to live, my advice live it, enjoy every minute of it.

The doors of recovery revolve it really does'nt matter how many times you come through them,please learn from your own shortfalls.

I am pretty sure captain and Bob would like me trade any of those temporary wins gambling gave them for the many years wasted chases those pipe dreams, I hope you don't squander the many years in front of you.

That for me is where your focus should be.

I hope to see you build those days again, nothing is more rewarding than to see members do just that.

For me it is day one of the cycle again because for me I understand the value behind them, But again find the way that works for you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Martin,

Plenty of concern and support on your diary. You are a likeable guy and we want you to do well and enjoy a lovely and happy life.

You are certainly faced with a tough decision at the moment. Do you fight this again determined to get on top or do you go down the road of always quitting tomorrow? This forum is full of people quitting tomorrow the problem is you will wake up in twenty years time and wonder where it all went wrong. I have spent too many years saying I would do better tomorrow/try harder tomorrow/be stronger tomorrow. The truth is dealing with problems today makes them easier to deal with tomorrow and the next day and the next day until it is no longer a serious problem just something that you used to do.

One of the things I hate most about gambling addiction is the mental distress it causes. We don't think properly when under the influence of our gambling demons. Imagine Richard Branson quit business at the first hurdle or sign of trouble. Normal people bounce back. They can take setbacks and carry one. I am terrible for being all or nothing. If I eat bad in the morning I will eat rubbish all day long. If I smoke a few cigs during a night out I will return to full consumption with a day or two and if I gamble I go on a crazy mad binge lasting for days on end. Why does this happen to compulsive people? Why can't we be like the rest who don't suffer from this. The fact is we are different. We seek perfection and see anything less as failure. We have to love ourselves and be able to take care of ourselves even when we are not happy. You need to take care of you right now.

Tomso.

Hi Martin,

Sorry to read about your slip, I know for sure that I have been in the same situation plenty of times before. My annual holidays were usually where I would just waste away a week or two gambling and doing little else. Boredom can often be the nemesis of the CG, and I know that from bitter experience.

Although what has happened over the last few days is painful and raw, you can't change what happened. You can only make the right decision going forward, and change what the future has in store.

All the best

Ryan