25 years of age and at a crossroads - Day 1 17th October 2013

I'm more determined than ever to make 2015 a gambling free year. I'm just trying to see out the remainder of 2014 and honestly, I will be glad when it's finished. The turn of the year will allow me to start afresh and I think that goal of not depositing a penny into my gambling account for the whole year, will help me through.

This year hasn't been all that bad. This time last year, I was in the red. I had debts on my credit card, and I was in an overdraft with my current account. A good bonus at the end of the year took me back into the black and this year I've been building on and have managed to save over £10,000. My goal is to put down a deposit on a flat. I'm currently renting. My saving this year has put me in a fairly decent position.

Having said that, I have probably wasted around £7,000 - £8,000 by gambling. It's quite annoying that I could have saved a lot more if I hadn't gambled, but what's done is done. I can't change the past. I'm now 26 and I'm still optimistic about the future.

My moods are varying constantly. Right now, as I sit here typing this, I feel fine. But I know that a few hours from now, I might feel depressed. I wish I could feel okay from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed. People say that gambling doesn't have the same physical effects of other addictions, such as alcohol or drugs. You can't really deny that. But gambling has had quite a big health impact on me. I'm 26, but look closer to 36. I also feel a lot older within myself, probably in large part because of the last 7 or so years of constantly battling this addiction.

2015 is going to be a gambling free year for me. That's a fact.

Great positivity Martin, so good to hear that you turned your debt around and managed to start saving, so what if you could have saved more, just be glad you have learned lessons from this year.

I wish I was in your position, I'm age 26 but still have circa 10/15k to clear but not gambling helps massively. Don't squander what you have, either make use of the savings or put it somewhere where you do not have easy access to it. Probably a deposit on a house will be best as you have a physical asset with no easy access to cash and as long as payments are manageable you are sorted.

Look forward to seeing your continued recovery.

Thanks Dan. My savings are in another account that isn't linked to the card I used for gambling. To access the funds, I need to transfer that money from my savings account to another one, so it's not too easy (thankfully).

I had a pretty good day yesterday. I'm feeling quite positive for now. I was thinking about my trigger factors for gambling and thought I would list them down here:

• Stress
• Boredom
• Anxiety
• Financial concerns

When I was at uni, my addiction really started to go on to a new level, purely because of the stress of my uni work, plus I wanted a distraction from studying. That was a mistake, but thankfully I did manage to graduate at the end of it all. Now, in work, I still have stress now and again, but nowhere near as bad.

Boredom is a pretty big "trigger point" for me. After work, if I come home and want to chill out, I find my mind starting to wander. "Would depositing £50 really do all that much harm?" "Man U look like value to get the win tonight" "I think Aguero might get the first goal for City. What are the odds? No harm in looking." Inevitably, those thoughts lead to me depositing, then losing, then chasing and before I know it, I've wasted away 10x as much as I intended to.

Anxiety is linked in to stress. But, if I've got something coming up, like a big presentation or meeting an important client, then I'll turn to gambling again. It acts as a distraction. On a subconscious level, I want to lose because now I'm thinking about my financial woes instead of thinking about that big presentation. The financial concerns themselves then act as as a trigger factor. "I need to win back that money I lost last night." Then if I do win it back, do I withdraw it? Unlikely. I might withdraw some of it, but some of it stays in my gambling account and the whole process repeats itself.

Understanding these trigger points will hopefully help me combat this disease. And I'm starting to think it really is a disease.

Thank you for sharing your story. My partner is just at the beginning of his recovery and you have given me hope that he can conquer this addiction. From reading your posts I now know he needs to do it for himself to keep on track. I feel like you've given me more of an understanding of the addiction. He needs take each day at a time. I just hope he becomes a success story like yourself.

Just under 3 weeks to Christmas. Like I said in an earlier post, I'm looking forward to 2014 being over and moving on to 2015. I know that most New Years resolutions are broken in January, but my "no gambling" resolution is going to last the full 12 months, and then hopefully beyond.

It's all aout changing habits. For a long time, I've been unable to gamble responsibly. Well, I hope that this next time next year, I'm in the habit of not gambling at all.

As I type this, I've got another tab open showing the launch of the orion spacecraft to Mars. They hope that this spacecraft will eventually be manned by people from Earth and will see the first humans land on Mars. I guess it's times like this that you realize how small we all are and how insignificant each of our lives are. There's also a lot more to life than our financial woes or our different worries. There's a big World out there. I actually take some comfort in that.

Sometimes, the gambling addiction can be too much. It feels as if it's smothering me. That's going to change.

Hi Martin,

Thanks for dropping by on my diary.
You are doing great and as i said in my post, acceptance is a key. We have to start somewhere in this journey and if we know we cannot gamble responsibility, best to stop self inflicting pain to us and others and jump on recovery train with 100% commitment.
It will get better and easier, every day counts and i wish you to have great and safe day tomorrow.
That's all it takes - one right decision a day...a hour if it needs to.

Keep up the good work 🙂

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks for your post Sandra.

Today, my urges are sligthly stronger. I'm having to resist the temptation to gamble that little bit more. There's so much football on. But, I'll be strong and get through it. Logic will win the day.

I was invited out by a friend today, essentially for an all day drinking session. I wasn't up for it. I need other interests besides just going out and getting "hammered." I don't enjoy it. I wake up the next day, £50+ worse off and with a hangover. No thanks.

I'm going to make a start on cleaning the flat this weekend and I've got a lot of washings to do tomorrow. Then back to work on Monday. Less than 2 weeks until I stop for Christmas. I'm counting the days.

I got through yesterday without too many problems. I can say with some certainty that I wouldn't have won any money if I had gambled on any of yesterday's football.

Chilling out today and then on to Monday.

I set up a spreadsheet today to keep track of my savings. It's about time that I did something like that and I feel all the better for having done it. Hopefully, there will be a steady increase throughout 2015 without any more expenditure attiributed to gambling.

The irrational fear of losing my job is coming back yet again. This is despite there being literally zero indication that my job is in any danger. I should get a bonus at the end of the year, but like most bonuses, it's not guaranteed. I said in an earlier post that last year's bonus took me out of the red and into the black. If I got a bonus this year, it could take me closer to my target of £15,000 worth of savings.

The addiction is still tormenting me. Today, the feeling of guilt is overwhelming. I can't shake it off. I don't feel too well and most of it is probably due to the feelings of guilt and shame. All of that money wasted......

Anyway, I'm an optimist and I still see a good future ahead. As long as I don't have any more slip ups. That's easier said than done, but I'm hopeful. I'm 26 and I still have a future ahead of me, despite it all.

Hi Martin,

Thanks for sharing your post is very honest and inspiring to us all,

I wish you the very best for 2015 and here's to it being even better than 2014 and you have done amazing this year.

Suzanne xx

Thanks for your post Suzanne.

So many mixed emotions today. Immense happiness one minute, deep depression the next. Feeling tired, then hyper. Excited then inexplicably sad.

That's what the addiction has done to me. Before I found gambling, I used to go through a whole day without these emotional rollercoasters. Oh well. Still going strong. One day at a time.

I'm tired today. I feel angry as well. For no specific reason.

I'm keeping track of my savings and spending though, so that's a positive. I'm wondering why I had never done it beofre. It may even have acted as a deterrant to gambling. My spreadsheet has 3 days worth of entires now, so hopefully I can keep that going through to 2015.

Looking forward to the weekend and getting some decent sleep (I wish!).

Hi Martin,

I can relate to your rollercoaster feelings, and keeping track of your money every day, gambling certainly changed us, in every way,

You are doing amazing keep remembering that

Hope you get some good sleep

Enjoy your weekend

Suzanne xx

I thought I would check back in and create a new entry in my diary. It's been around 6 months since my last one.

I'm still gambling unfortunately. Things haven't really gotten any easier. I'm just trying to take each day as it comes and still feel cautiously optimistic about the future. I still have some savings, all be it, not quite as much as I had since my last entry. It's been a difficult couple of months.

I just need to keep my head down and power through the next little while.

Hi Martin,

Sorry to hear it hasn't been going in the right direction for you, gambling is a tough opponent, and it always knows your weak spots. You sound like you know exactly what needs to be done, you just need to take it by the horns and do it. Hope you can find that resilience to power through to the green fields on the other side.

And remember, if you find yourself alone, riding in green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. You are in Elysium, and you're already dead!

Ryan