A few thoughts today:
I'm trying to stay strong. I have a big week in work next week with some key meetings. I hope to get through these next few weeks without turning to my old demons.
It's been a little while since I updated my diary, so I thought I would pop in as the year draws to a close.
I have been really struggling since May of this year. I've basically been on one major relapse. There's been ups and downs, but my savings have essentially been decreasing month on month. I did have around £20,000 at the start of this year and as of today, I have around £4,000. Not good.
So now I have to do the impossible. I need to go "cold turkey" for the rest of the year. If I do that, I can get back to maybe around £7,000 worth of savings. I don't have many other major expenses in life other than my gambling addiction.
If anyone sees this, feel free to wish me luck. I feel that it's going to be virtually impossible right now, but I'll just take each day as it comes. Roll on next year!
That night, after making another entry in this diary, I received an email from one of the gambling sites I regulary go on. They had funded my account with £100. I went on to the site, played roulette and turned the £100 into £1,500. Two hours later, the £1,500 had turned into £0.
Saturday was fine. I had a long lie in bed. I didn't really want to face the day. As most addicts will know, absolutley nothing can replace the thrill of gambling, so Saturday was spent trying to find other things which could at least keep me occupied.
Today, I feel optimistic but sad and angry as well. I just need to see this year out.
Recovery is not looking for you like addiction does & if you really want it, you have to fight for it! Apart from having to move your savings into your 'gambling account' what other blocks do you have in place? Recovery has nothing to do with luck, you have to close down your gambling accounts, instal blocking software & do everything you can to stay safe (GA, counselling, coming here)! £20,000 was a substantial amount of money, enough for that deposit you were hoping to raise, what happened? £4,000 is not £20,000 but it is a great position to be in as you approach a 27th birthday (assuming you aren't quite there yet) but if you carry on as you are, addiction will take every last penny along with your optimism & many other desirable qualities that you hold dear! Don't let it! It may seem like there is nothing so exciting as gambling but there is little that hurts as much either!
Please, act now, don't be the fool I was...Recovery is possible, you need to fight hard - ODAAT
Oops, double post, soz :-0
Hi Martin , Although to lose 16 k is a huge hit, as ODAAT said you still have 4 grand ! . And more importantly your not in debt !.
But, and here it comes !!.
You need to have a good rummage around and find a pair !!
It's no good going through the motions of wanting recovery , if your not going to embrace it with open arms .
If your still acttive on gambling websites and they entice you with free offers then youre gonna bet ? .
Why haven't you blocked them all ?.
Youre still in a great position with your life , you have a good job I would imagine and as you said you have limited expenditure , thats a position many on here would give there right nut to be in !. Unless your one of our female family of course !!.
Let go of the past and all of its losses now Martin , otherwise imagine how your going to feel in another month when you blow the rest , or in 6 months when you start going into debt and it becomes a whole different game alltogether ?.
You can do this Martin , youv'e just got want to !!!!!
Best wishes in your recovery Buddy !! And keep posting ............ Alan
Reading Alan and Odaat's comments has helped me to face up to reality a bit more. Things have been fine since my last entry. Work was busy today and I have tomorrow off, but will catch up on some mail.
I get frustrated at making the same mistakes over and over. That's been the story of the last 6 or so months for me. We all make mistakes. That's part of life. But, what does it say about someone if they make the same mistake over and over again with the same bad outcome each time? I guess that's the addiction and everyone here is a victim of it.
Onwards and upwards. Tomorrow is another day. The past few days have been good. Let's keep it that way.
Absolutely right my friend , we have all done the , I'll give it one more day or week before I stop routine !. It's in our nature to think even in our darkest moment , that we can still win or turn things around , how many times I've thought the same during my gambling life ?. Yet before we even give it another go ,this just one more bet cr>P!, we know instinctively that its gonna end in tears !
I tried cutting down , not going in the bookies so often .
Then I tried to avoid the Fobt machines and go back to the old days of just betting on dogs .
Every way I tried to control my betting , ended in me blowing wads of cash I couldn't afford to lose.
And the Ironic thing is the only way you and I can win, is to lose ! Losing our past gambling life , by forgeting all the money thats been washed down the toilets of the bookies or the drains of a race track !.
And that Martin will set us free , it gives us the freedom to move forward and into recovery my friend , somewhere we both choose to be , choice not addiction .
I really hope your day has come to you ?. The day you let go of all the pain and sleepless nights this evil addiction causes us ? I've gambled for almost 35 years and its taken me all this time to realise , I cannot win !.
The strange thing is that , what I craved I already had , I just didn't realise it all the time I gambled ...
Glad your feeling more positive today and I wish you well with your recovery !
Keep posting , It's always good to talk ......... Alan who will not gamble today .........
Today, I feel fine. It's probably best that I quit while I can still recover some of the money that I've wasted. There certainly was going to be an easy way to win back the money that I lost through gambling.
The sites that I went on in the past also don't quite hold the same interest that they once did. I've found them quite boring over these past few months, so hopefully I won't feel tempted to go back on them. I'm also going to keep track of the number of days I've been gamble free. This is day 2.
Well done buddy !. Little steps and one day at a time will see you through !!.
Take care ....................................................... Alan
Day 3
Mixed emotions today. Optimistic on the one hand, but fearful and anxious on the other. As is often the case when I've attempted abstinence before, I'm struggling with the feelings of regret. What I would give to have that money back.
But overall, I'm hopeful. It won't be long to Christmas and I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen for months. Something to look forward to.
Then 2016 will be the first gamble free year for me since I was 17.
Day 4
I feel really good today. This feeling might not last, but I hope it does because in this frame of mind, I can see myself going a long while without feeling the need to gamble. Feeling strong and optimistic.
Good luck mate sorry to here of your replapse you can beat this
[quote=Martin67]
Day 4
I feel really good today. This feeling might not last, but I hope it does because in this frame of mind, I can see myself going a long while without feeling the need to gamble. Feeling strong and optimistic.
Hi Martin,
I have just joined and im on day 2,i havent been gambling a long time but still i dont think that matters.im feeling positive today too and maybe we can support each other in these early stages
good luck
Unfortunately, I relapsed this weekend. About £1,000 on roulette. What's done is done. I can't change the past.
Back to day 1
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