Dan's Diary

Hi Dan , 

Good to hear from you buddy :)) 

800 day's is nothing to be sneezed at my friend even though you still feel you have wasted some time . 

You can't be full on 24/7 and need the occasional " Duvet day " shall we call it ? :)) and your not gambling which is initially what you set out to do . 

Well done on your continued abstainance Dan 🙂 

Best wishes 

Alan . 

Ps still think you should have called your diary " D DAY "  ;   0))

Many thanks Alan,

I'm struggling to get used to this site, I still read but very rarely post now and I miss a lot of the old names, especially in f&f

Anyway finally braved the log in process to check on my days

844 gamble free days now

still the odd thoughts and some battles around justifying the theory of gambling, all of which confirms I still have my addiction and I still need help

I am a compulsive gambler, for today I shall choose to not gamble

872 days.   I started at 1 and was grateful to make it to 2. I’ve carried on like that and whilst being selfish and not checking in as much as i should, I won’t deny being a bit proud of myself when seeing that number flash up.  

It is blooming hard work, it really is. I still have a lot of legacy based damage, direct and indirect from my choice to gamble. Yet I am as free as I have ever been, truly. If you stumble across my drivel and only take one thing from it, please let it be to accept you have a gambling problem, accept it is ok and then ask and take whatever help you possibly can.

I am a compulsive gambler but today I will choose to not gamble.

so another quick check in - almost 2 and 1/2 years since I last gambled

a few days shy of 900 days, although before I can reach day 900 I must first tackle day 897

I firmly believe I am still a compulsive gambler, just not an active one and for today I will choose to not gamble.

The scars run very deep but there is more light at the end of the tunnel than there has been for years, mortgage offered - more than I expected, at a fairly decent rate, first time ever I have savings and not debt

I am hugely grateful to those around me that helped, none more so than my sister who said no when I asked for financial help

I'm also proud of myself, this is my addiction and it is my choice to not gamble. I have had triggers, excuses, reasons, opportunity and means to be able to gamble on many occasion over the last 30 months and I have continue to choose to not gamble.

I wish I could offer more to those in the grips of this addiction but if anyone reads this and takes some hope from me then please do.  My addiction is on the more severe side, maybe not the worst story out there but it has been long standing, very destructive and will impact for the rest of my life, the rest of my children's life and any relationships I may have.

Life is better though, much better.  I might even be about to buy a house - three years ago I couldn't even rent somewhere in my name!

921 days gamble free

progress, the impact of those past choices are being felt strongly at the moment but they are what they are.

obviously I wish I could turn back the clock and make different choices but equally I made them and I am proud of the choices I have made over the last 921 days, they have been far healthier!

best wishes to all facing this addiction and especially to those being impacted by it.

Should be working but my minds has been buzzing with gambling thoughts - ridiculous, it is absolutely not the answer but I know the impact my previous choices is having on my family and it almost feels worse now than it did when I last confessed.

Marriage brought to it's very knees, almost not being able to see my children every day and yet when the pressure truly comes back on, My mind wanders back. a sure sign that despite being pleased with a healthy start to gamble free life, it is still my addiction and still my battle that I must keep choosing to fight and I do.  I am a compulsive gambler but today I will not gamble

Hey Dan,

You've done amazing and will continue to do amazingly.

You will likely get those feelings of wanting to gamble, but just keep yourself busy and they will go i'm sure.

We have all done things we aren't proud of, and I'm sure for most people on this forum it is gambling related.  It is in the past, and yea, we have to pay for it going forward.  But that is the old us.  The new us are moving away from that past problem, no doubt into other problems that life gives us, but at least it isn't gambling.

Stay strong and be proud of what you have achieved.

thanks Matt

929 gamble free days. my next target - 930 days

best wishes all

Dan,

thank you so much for your honesty and for giving such a real insight into the mind of a CG. Got so engrossed reading your diary that I ended up being late for work.... I wanted to reach the end to make sure that you were still gamble free, which you are!

huge congrats!

what is most striking about your posts is your total awareness that you’re far from being done, that your behavioural traits still scare you, that you don’t want to get complacent. This awareness is a huge part on the road to becoming stronger and better. I hope you realise this. 

As the ex partner of a CG, I wish my ex would have been half as honest as what  you’ve been. He was never serious about his recovery, and although he managed to hide his addiction for the last 3 years of our relationship (this is how skilful he has become at living his double life, on the surface everything looked perfect), the relapse has come back with a vengeance and when he couldn’t hide his debts anymore, he walked out of our house. 

My family is broken but yours is still very much Together thanks to your strength and willpower. We need more people like you, nobody is perfect but you’re certainly doing your best to become a better person... and your family are lucky to have you. 

I’ll keep following your diary, you are a true inspiration 

Hi gettingnervous - thank you, made be a bit tearful reading your post.

day 932 today.

Impact of my past choices is really front of mind at the moment, it's having a direct impact on the style of house we can afford. in itself that is such a double edged feeling - on one hand I can't believe I am finally at the point of being able to buy somewhere, yet I can ill afford to forget that I've already gambled more money than we will be getting as a mortgage.

my choices though.  I'm still a compulsive gambler but today I will choose to not gamble

Very well said. 

Getting a mortgage approved is a massive conquest for a CG. You will cherish your new house, because it will be bought with “honest” money.

Yes you have gambled more money that the value of the mortgage, but you can see the new house as another brick added to the wall you’re building between yourself and gambling 

thanks again

day 934 almost complete, looking forward to getting through day 935 tomorrow

976 days of making a better choice than the ones I made for the 10,000+ days previous.

Looking forward to marking off day 977 as well

I am a compulsive gambler but for today I choose to not gamble

a quick check in... 1112 days of 100% abstinence, looking forward now to reaching day 1113

1217 days since I last gambled 

Sadly I still have urges and thoughts but thankfully I'm still choosing to not even buy a raffle ticket

Best wishes to all