I don't have a clear head right now. To be honest it actually feels like a concrete block. So why a new diary well there were some successes in my old diary but as whole it did not go well. What makes this time different, at this point I don't actually know. However hopefully somewhere along the way I can find the answer. I am a married man wife & 3 kids and I can honestly say life is pretty good when I am not gambling. However when I am gambling life is dreadful. I get nothing good from gambling except what ever high I am addicted to it. My losses from gambling would be north of 500,000 prob more but I just don't want to go there at the moment its prob nearer to 1 million than 500000. To be honest I feel like this time is different I am afraid to say it out loud but prob for the first time it's the addiction holding me rather than me holding on. So if I can get through the withdrawal stage I am actually quite hopeful I can kick on from here.
Michael - I know we spoke briefly yesterday - the most salient point in your post is "its the addiciton holding me back rather than me". You seem to have decided that it's over. I must admit I am shocked by the size of your losses. I didn't know whether to say anything but I thought honesty was the best policy. You must have an extremely successful job. I have a few questions that I want to be open questions because I'd like you to think about them and work out the solution to your problem as that's the only way it will work. What do you think would happen if you never gambled again? What is it that you want to get out of recovery? What do you mean by the addiction holding you back rather than yourself? Sorry if this is too much and in which case please ignore.
Well I suppose I did not want to post the extent of my losses. But that is where it is and I thought if I posted it raw that maybe it would help me kick on. To be honest my gambling now is no different to when I was a student I just gamble everything I have.
First Question
I don't really know what will happen when I stop gambling. I get extremely frustrated when gambling as I keep trying to beat the bookies (win) and I can't not even succeed for a day. I suppose this is where my gambling really crashes. I gamble wrecklessly seeking a win I just get more frustrated and wild as I gamble further along. I seem to think even in abstinance I can overcome this wreckless abandon and become a "winning" gambler. So I suppose the answer to your question is I don't want a normal life I want to something with life. To acheive this stopping gambling is a must, it stops me doing everything I want. I am the type of gambler than when gambling I actually cannot do or think of anything else. So with my mind freed up from gambling I think I can do alot of things.
Second Question
Gambling no longer holds anything for me long-term, nothing good comes from it. I have come round to the idea that once gambling I have no control nor will I ever have control or discipline. So for me gambling is finished I am not going to beat it, solve it or sort it. The money is done not coming back nor do I want it back they can have it. However I have impulse control problems and there is a physical addiction to the dopamine in my body. The impulse control well I have to put up some boundaries to help me there not carrying cash, credit cards or bank accounts. The dopamine addiction takes a few months to go but gets easier each week. But I will need help to get over some of the regret I have as this can get depressing. I have been gambling a long time now.
Can I say something funny excuse the bad language but how can anyone be this s h i t at gambling and keep coming back for more don't ask me but as a gambler I am abysmal.
Hi there, Good that you are here sharing. The amounts of losses are subjective according to where each gambler is financially and it varies so much .... but what ever income level we are at and what ever form of gambling it's all very much the same. As you said, it 's the chemical dependance that happens in a our brains. It thought that once we experience the addiction we can never go back to a fresh start. It's been that way for me. thx. for being hopeful for yourself as it helps everyone. Honesty is the best policy and thx. for that also. Keep on going odaat. T2
To be honest I know this sounds mad but the biggest loss from gambling is TIME, that may sound a bit rich considering my losses. But when gambing I can't focus on work, family or life. I am a binge gambler I can go 2-3 months off gambling return for a couple of weeks and do a serious amount of monetary damage in a short period of time. Stop and then do the same again. But always because I somehow think I can beat these "What Ever Bad Lanquage you Want for bookmakers". I follow tipsters who win over time but this does not matter I drift off course to do my own wreckless gambling. I have been known to go 48hrs straight gambling all the while dry wretching due to pure tiredness. Its mad you know when I was 16 or 17 I was in boarding school and my parents were told that I had a gambling problem. The reality from my first bet I had a problem I was stealing, lieing & ignoring life. I am actually quite socially awkward while gambling and quite confident once I get 3 or more months off gambling. Same with depression, frustration and work ethic. This is an unbeliveably negative vibe in my life. I actually like the fact I have to do this one day at time I don't really want to be anywhere bar where I am. Allowing for physical withdrawal symptoms. If this is going to work I am going to have to work for it and I am happy with that.
Michael thanks for your posts. I am surprised by the number of similarities to my own experience... but guess I shouldn't be as we're both CGs. I believed I knew more than the bookies and could beat them but as soon as big losses came I got wreckless. I binge stop binge stop binge stop repeat... hence all my relapses. It has changes my personality to being a negative person. I really hope we both can find a way forward.
We can and we will
Head feels less like cement this morning I suppose I am bewildered at what or why I have returned to gambling. But today is Day 1 and I am going to make this easy on myself. I am not going to look back or blame myself for what I have done. It's in the past and that can't be changed I can only change the future. For 20 years this addiction has had some sort of grip on me well from today no more I start today moving forward. I am fearful because I have failed before but I cannot let that hinder me. Instead I must learn from my mistakes and move on. I wish everyone out there a gamble free Day, Christmas and New Year.
Today is my first day. I have been gambling for 35 yes and I don't know how much I've lost. It's not about the money anymore it's my mental health. I can't sleep or eat properly and all I think about is gambling. I am going to a game meeting today and am determined to beat this. If I don't I know I will end up dead. It's refreshing to read about people with rheumatoid same experience who have overcome this problem. I hope I can too
Hey Stuart we are doing a daily check in over on the over coming gambling forum please join us and lets move forward the more on here the less in bookies
Hi Michael, just looked through your post's and wanted to say welcome and congratulations on your honesty !.
Just to chip in with a thought !, I think that as human's its in our nature, our DNA not to want to lose or fail at a task and gambling is no exception to this , which only makes it harder to give in and realise that we cant win !.
Take care my friend and stay focused !
Regards ...................Alan
Good Day today just playing with my little man on the couch his all on for a secret burger and chips. That is what gambling takes away from you. I would not be present in the house to even just listen to him. This is a horror show and it's over gambling. It's a disgusting horrible addiction that when it gets to its end stage sucks any joy out of life. The last couple of years it's so depressing my gambling there is not even any fun just gambling. I don't even think I get that upset when I lose I just need to keep going. This is my last first day I am taking this on from here and am determined to make the changes I need.
Day 1 complete excellent happy out. I start all over again tomorrow. The head feels less fuzzy and I feel a good better. I am moving forward and am happy. I keep feeling that I should edit my diary at the moment I feel content. Stay well everyone and lets all get to the New Year Gamble Free
So Day 2 arrives my head feels less like concrete again this morning. On Wednesday my head was fuzzy and I felt quite suicidal shows what this is doing to me. I also could not get enough sugar into me. Today I feel 10 times better. I am going to stick with diaries. I will write more later with a clearer head.
Well Day 2 is done I actually feel fantastic. I am having little twinges but thats normal. Stay clear move forward forget the past keep happy
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