I have decided to start a new diary as this has helped me in the past. I have called this a new chapter as again I am in the early days of recovery following a slip. Since I started a diary at the end of 2013 I have seen members post and disappear, slip and come back and then a fair few who have changed their lives and are still clean. Sadly for me I seem to follow the same cycle, the first 100 days I find quite easy, the urges aren't really there, but then after 100 days they inevitably come back and I'm too weak to fight them. The last few slips are vivd in my mind, yet when the urges come I still feel inclined to go and place that bet. My gambling follows one pattern I bet bet bet until all my money is gone! In the past I would get paid and go to a bookies and stay till I had lost a months pay, or if I left in profit I would be back the following day and lose it all then. My pay never lasted more than 2 days. Thats pretty sad, 18 years of working hard for nothing but a day or twos gambling tokens. My latest slip was 16 days ago, a rare online experience, as I have almost always gambled in a bookies. I actually don't think I would have slept for days if my money had lasted, it was just bet after bet, up down, up down, until my balance hits zero and the sinking feeling begins. Its irrational that again and again I go 100 days plus without a bet and enjoy the opportunites this presents me as I can live a normal life and enjoy social activities, but then I choose to gamble again when it will only end one way! When I gamble I always end up miserable and skint!
I started 2015 full of hope, I was going so strong and after making a huge dent in my debt repayments I had the spare funds to have a brilliant year. The ultimate goal was my trip to New York in Spetember. Gambling has deprived me of a holiday since I was 16 years old, I'm now 34! To save for such an expensive holiday and go have the time of my life was my reward for a clean 2015. When I slipped up this dream was over, I blew a large amount of money and I wanted to give up on this site and just accept I can't beat this addiction. However I agreed to run the 2015 challenge and I can't just walk away and let everybody down. Part of me thought should I lie and just pretend I'm clean, however I couldn't put my all into it if I was running it on a lie. So I am sat here the day before payday and I have decided today the new chapter begins. I'm not going to blow tomorrows wages or the future months wages, I can still have a good summer and I can still save enough to get out to New York. After all the harm I have inflicted on myself over the years I need this holiday.
I have 129 days to go till New York, money is critical now, one slip will kill the dream. I'm going to fight back and that is my initial goal. I also need to work out what it is in my head that makes me slip up after the 100 days mark. There have now been about 5 occasions when I have stopped gambling and seen huge changes in my life (all positive) yet somehow after day 100 the urges come flooding back and I slip. I want to be one of those members that I have seen sign up to here and are still going strong, I want to end this madness. I can't win because I can't stop and gambling has destroyed so much in my life, I don't want it, I hate to think what could happen next if I gave up on recovery and slipped back to my old ways. I really need to learn from my past mistakes and need to find a better way to deal with my urges.
I look forward to payday tomorrow, I'm in a better frame of mind and I'm going to ensure my wages stay safely in my mums account. I have self excluded from online accounts and the first thing I'm doing in the morning is joining a local gym and golf club. The good work I did before Christmas has slipped and I have started putting weight back on, so I intend to focus on being more active and toning up. I feel bad starting another diary, but I need to focus on the positives, and mainly they are that I'm still here and I've not given up on trying to give up.
Today is day 16, I'm shortly off to work and won't be gambling today!
Ohh Phil I wish I could give you a real cuddle, you remind me so very much of my older son.
Just a thought but maybe you should not give yourself goals (ie that dreaded 100 days now that is embedded in your mind lol)
Forget the bloody 100 days one day at a time is all that matters, that addiction knows you and also craftily knows that 100 days.
Am pleased you have opened up in a diary, and I know you are very strong willed and giving it all.
Time to change your mindset again my friend, don't think too far ahead, just one day at a time, forget the distance goals, either with debts or abstinence.
As I said just a thought, am walking with you all the way, remember we don't start again after becoming addicted for the money, it's for the outlet,buzz, etc, and what a cooking joke that is.
Very proud of you for being 100% honest And continuing with the challenge, but that is what this forum is about Phil, And you are at the front of it.
Sending you a big ((((cuddle))) Phil,
Suzannexxxxx
Well done on coming back buddy.
Once you reach New York you'll be well past the 100 days mark and the holiday will be a well overdue reward.
Keep plugging away, put more safety nets in the way if you need to.
Well done for an honest post!
Thanks for the posts they are really helpful, I need this diary, whenever I have lost interest in the past it has been when the urges have come back and I have slipped up. I know what you are saying Suzanne about forgetting the 100, I just wish I could understand why I find it so easy and really enjoy recovery until all of a sudden after day 100 I just lose interest and the urges flood back.
So its pay day today and I earnt a lot more than I expected so theres no need for me to even think about gambling, my finances are better than I expected. Gambling will only make them a mess again! I have to go and sign up for this new gym and golf club membership today which will do me good and keep me busy on my days off work. I've also got to do a food shop and need to start eating healthy again, no junk food or alcohol!
I need to focus on how toxic and crazy my gambling is, its just impossible for me to win, there is no amount that would make me stop gambling. All I will do is gamble and gamble untill I have blown all my money. Race after race rushing to get the next bet on, a very desperate man getting his hit in. Can't wait ten minutes till the next horse race, have to get on the virtual and the dogs, ten slips in hand with times filled in to speed me up. This is just madness, I don't want to be that crazy desperate mug punter!
Day 17, feel good and won't be that mad punter today!!
Well done on your recovery , the fact is we are all so close to a blow out and can relate to your story , I admit the first 100 days were easy or easier than I thought but this last few weeks have been hell.
The fact your now 2-3 weeks back into recovery is great , keep up the good work
Hi Phil, great to see you have picked yourself straight back up...I hope you have also cranked the music back up 🙂
Sometimes when we expect ourselves to fail, we give in to that just so we can pat ourselves on the back & say "well done, you were right!" The urges that hit you when you get to that stage are no different to the urges that you deal with beforehand but added to the thought of 'I can't get past this point' & the addiction promising you you have it licked & so can control it now giving in is the easiest option! Don't fear the 100 day mark, use it as a stepping stone for the next hundred because this is a life choice & life is so much better when we're not 'mad'!
Great work on running the challenge, you should be very proud that you came straight back in your hours of darkness & extended the hand of support right back out to people who find comfort in your pages!
Healthy body, healthy mind but never say never to junk food, there's a place in life for it 😉
Keep fighting, keep winning - ODAAT
Thanks so much for the time you have put into posting on here, it is a big help for me. I have just come back from my final counselling session, which was useful and I feel a lot more focussed. I need to focus on the positives, financially I'm in the best position I have been in a long time. I have a blank canvas and the opportunity to do whatever I like, I need to start living life and enjoying myself. When I get to New York it will mean I have passed a huge test as I will have had to save the most money in my life. 18 years without a holiday, boy do I need to make this happen!
On the bright side I got through payday safe and I wont be gambling today. I'm off on Friday and will be getting the golf clubs out and Saturday I will be at the football and then out for a few beers. I need to stay focussed, I can't wn because I can't stop. No win is big enough to make me stop!
No bets today!
You are back on the wagon bornagain...you know what its all about...100days is no mean feat.
Keep your head down as you are doing and you will be fine.
Stay strong
Phil.
Fella I am glad you have decided to give yourself the opportunity for your own therapy by continuing to write your own recovery journey because without looking out for number one my friend you simply cannot begin to help others.
Recovery begins and ends with the choices you make for yourself never lose sight of that.
Helping other recovering compulsive gambler's in their recoveries is a by product of that but selfishly do what you need to do to remain in continued abstinence.
One promise i will offer is to extend my hospitality to you next season when you play at the park, plans are great things to make, living them is even sweeter.
Look after yourself, keep giving yourself your own recovery time.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Thanks again for the posts which are really useful for me and mean a lot. Duncs unless we get you in the FA Cup I won't be down your way anytime soon as we sit bottom of the table with a big red capital R next to our name!
So its day 19 and my last day in work before my two days off. I can't wait to get today done, I find work so boring. However they do say better the devil you know than the devil you don't! So my goals today are to get through another day gamble free and to get work done. The urges and bad thoughts are in my head at the mo, I just need to focus on the bad memories that gambling has given me and the fact that I can't win because I can't stop.
No bets today!
Phil.
Fella I can only apologise, f**k in honesty I have been so busy and disheartened by the goings on at pompey I stopped looking at any football results, I foolishly assumed that you were safe!!!!
Here's to an fa cup clash then!!!!
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
thanks for updating the challenge Phil
appreciated from this soldier
Right time to get my head together, starting a diary keeps me on track and boy do I need some focus right now. Payday came today and brought with it loads of temptation, all those opportunities for easy money. I blew a small amount of money, fortunately I got out without damaging myself too badly. This struggle goes on and I need to get back to what works. Keeping a diary, keeeping barriers and choosing recovery works. I'm in a goood position financially and will still be able to afford my trip to New York as long as there are no more slips. So its day zero and 98 days till New York. My first step is to survive tomorrow without a bet and then 96 more days like that. I have got to day 100 many times before, its the days afterwards that are a struggle. I need to find a way to make this work, I can't keep destroying myself in a bookies, no win is ever big enough! So no bets tomorrow, no looking at odds or form and if I have temptation I need to read a few diaries. The fight begins again!
Hi Phil, I looked to post to you earlier but I couldn't figure out which thread you were on! Figured you were in a bad place & just wanted to give you a big High Five for your continued support of everyone on the challenge whilst you are struggling with the demons again! Time to draw a line under the last few weeks & move forwards as you know how to! You cannot let this addiction take New York away from you & it's no good worrying about what comes after that! You know how to do this & everyone is right behind you!
Get those boxing gloves out & crank the music back up - ODAAT
Hi Phil. Keep going for that dream. I have been to New York a few Xmas ago and it is the city that stays awake all night! Make that holiday your addiction. We went to the outlets on the greyhound bus an came back with so much stuff our suitcase burst open at the airport! Staff found it quite amusing as we were given tape to try an hold it together lol. You have the willpower as that shows going the 100 days an like others have said forget that milestone, and just do what worked for you before. Good luck an take care Mary
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