A new chapter!

Hi Phil,

Nothing changes if nothing changes, my friend, to fight this horrible addiction, you need 100% commitment again, and all barriers and blocks tightly in place, no doors or windows can be left even slightly ajar.

Having spare money makes abstaining harder, so we have to get tougher, and fight deeper.

Keep strong and WIN for real.

Suzanne xxx

Yesterday I slipped again, another small loss and nothing that causes me too many problems. However clearly I don't want to be doing this to myself, if anything the spiral of lies that I tell whilst gambling is the worst thing of all. So today is day one again, I'm in work later, I won't be going back chasing my losses, enough is enough! The usual trigger set me off on all this, big win a few weeks ago followed by losing it all the next day and then wanting more and more money for the next big win that never comes!

So today is day one and I really have to go back to baby steps now as one day is a result and day by day things will get better! No bets today!

Recovery is a selfish undertaking, one that to work requires it to be your 1st priority in life. Perhaps its time to put your recovery & sanity at the top of your list rather than trying to manage others. Your commitment & hard work on the challenge is admirable but is your own wellbeing compromised by it

Phil, what's the difference between now & the start of the year? You did 100 days but now you sound like I did before I discovered I couldn't control gambling...Promising myself on a daily basis that I was done & meaning it with my whole heart - yet going straight back to it the very next day! Doesn't sound like you have any blocks in place & goodness knows how hard recovery is without them!

You need to figure it out & fast or New York will slip away in the blink of an eye!

Get back to basics & fight - ODAAT

I guess you have summed up a few important things for me, recovery hasn't been the most important thing in my life. I have at times been able to go the first 100 days with recovery up there at the top of my priority list, however eventually I lose interest. I don't want to live this life of lies and pathetic gambling experiences that always end up the same but I seem unable to stay on track. I looked at my pay slip last night and thought its just criminal that I can't manage my money and have this stupid thing telling me I need to win more. I have been in such a huge mess financially, but things are much better now. I got my promotion in work and I got a good payrise, but its just not a help. I've succesfully managed two days gamble free, I do have barriers in place like someone else looking after my finances and self exclusions from all the local bookies, but when that urge comes back I always seen to find a way.

So feeling pretty worthless right now, but its two days in the right direction!

2 days is a great start Phil & it's 2 days closer to New York 🙂

I think you are being very hard on yourself because throughout this stress you are going through, you have managed to continue to support people who are in recovery because of the challenge! Maybe you need to have a chat with the person looking after your finances & see if they will toughen up a bit! All your attempts @ winning more have failed but that's the nature of this beast...Next time it will be different! Only it won't because even a win won't be enough!

Until you get stronger, recovery has to be the most important thing in your life because without recovery, your life is rubbish! Keep working on the today's, that's all you need to do for now & you can do this - ODAAT

Phil

Fella I am gutted that you have received some abuse of sorts through your running of the challenge thread, you are doing something truly amazing by administrating it.

I hope you find the resolve you need to continue your own journey through the support offered.

Use your own diary again maybe?

As through it you gifted yourself some priceless therapy.

I hope that your planned trip still comes to fruition, as I am experiencing what the rewards of continued abstinence bring myself.

Keep believing

Something I have had in you from day one.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks ODAAT and Duncs. I got through day three and now I'm on day four. Been in pain following my op, fortunately its not too bad today as I'm back in work this afternoon. I have the safety of work this afternoon which will keep me away from any temptation. Things are really tough right now and every day is a challenge. I feel incredibly run down and depressed, life sucks, but I have made it this way. Need to bounce back, need to find some hope that I can beat this, however as the cycle seems to always end the same way I don't have much hope!

Keep fighting bornagain, we are all in the same battle. Every hour of Every day is a small step to happiness, and is a win against the demon of gambling.

Take it easy mate...thoughts are with you as it must be difficult doing your own recovery and maintaining the diary.

I'm Liverpool/Wirral based if you ever want to catch up over a coffee. By no means am I an expert, but happy to listen and offer any practical advice.

Phil my dear friend, am quite worried about you to be honest, I can feel you struggling and not just with gambling, ( we know we only do that now as a comfort) and we know it's no comfort at all it makes us worse.

You have supported me on my diary throughout and on the challenge thread, you are doing an amazing difficult job doing the challenge thread with your other commitments, ie demands at work, and you have recently had an op.

Maybe, just thinking Phil, something has to give before you explode in all directions, as a CG I understand your frustrations, because life issues can become bigger and make us feel out of control ( have been there and it's horrible) my last job was very demanding, too many folks to look after and doing 4 important jobs at the same time very nearly made me explode lol.

Please please put your own recovery first before anything else, it won't work the other way round, for years I did not put my recovery first and I slowly but surely sank into sinking sand, we either sink very quickly or very slowly, but unless we change stuff to suit us, ourselves, and I mean US, it is hard to move forwards, time for you Phil, I have every faith in you, but again I have to say are YOU doing too much, sorry if I am coming across strong, but I am doing the mum thing because I am concerned.

Suggestion here, why not update the challenge every 2 weeks, I know you want to keep doing it as you are not a person who gives in or up easily, and it's your baby, the other challenge thread that ran last year was updated monthly, another idea. Ok it stopped before the year end, but that's how it goes lol.

Totally understand your frustrations with the challenge, it only takes a minute to post, do not repeat Phil, do not put the challenge thread before your recovery and equally important your health.

Your recovery is for life, that is why we have to build our life around our recovery, and it is sooo much worth it Phil, and let's be honest what alternative do we really have, NONE.

Please please put yourself first now,

Here endeth the lesson lol,

Always walking along with you on and off the challenge, you can rant in my ear anytime if needed, 🙂

((((((HUGS)))))

Suzanne ( doing Mumsy 🙂

Xxxxxx

Thanks for the support it means a lot. It has been a struggle lately to post on here and also on the challenge, but I will fight on. I think more hours in work and the change in shift pattern has really messed me up. I got into a good routine when I had every Friday and Saturday off and now my shift is all over the place and quite often I have no idea what day it is. The times I felt like giving up on here I couldn't do it because I couldn't just quit the challenge and lt everyone down, so by keeping me here the challenge is working in some way. I think on Sunday the fact 18 people hadnt bothered checking in and someone had been quite rude made me think why do I bother, but then so many people have said its heping them so I will continue on till the end of the year and not take it to heart when people go awol.

So day 5 is here and I know I will get through it because I have my cash safely in the bank and will be busy in work. These early days are important, its a struggle, but as they add up things will get easier. No bets today!

Thinking of you buddy know how difficult it is to keep relapsing and having to start again!

Hope you find the strength to abstain and move forward with your recovery.

Never give up. You can beat this.

Hi Phil, just a quick fly by to congratulate you on day 6 🙂 Never give up giving up because I am living proof that life is recovery is a reward!

I completely get where you are coming from with your shifts! Not knowing whether you are coming or going can be paralysing @ times 🙁 With 22 years of experience, I feel qualified to say that despite sleep still being an issue for me, being responsible enough to take myself off to bed @ a sensible time (whatever that may be) does make them marginally less painful! Feeling tired exacerbates the frustrations with incompetent colleagues & managers!

Be kind to you & keep working your recovery! It's not easy but you will get there - ODAAT

Hi Phil,

I hope you are well.

Sorry to see your slip. Glad things seem to be back on an even keel for you.

You have not heard from me for while. Wonder why? Usual reason. Weak resistance, betting till all money gone, giving up hope on recovery and this site and then, when the dust settles, having nowhere else to turn, crawling back to the forum.

I hope we can both stay on the wagon this time. I am taking family to Cornwall in August. The money will be there. Only I can lose it. The same goes for you and New York,

I have recently started watching the whole Breaking Bad series for the second time. It is over a year since I first watched it and it is amazing how much I missed or have forgotten.You could do a lot worse with your time if you know what I mean!

Stay strong and take care.

Mark