a new way of thinking

"The money wasted the time wasted turning you into some sort of golum sitting in the dark hunched over a laptop"

Now THAT I can relate to exactly. Add booze in hand for my situation (I'm not an alco, but seem to always drink when gambling).

We're about the same in days, and I'm following your diary with interest because we feel the same a lot of the time.

Some of the advice ive read and been given is to enjoy the simple things well my LO has just had a laughing fit one of those from your belly dirty laughs[inherited from my brother]until i had to tell him to breath i havent laughed like that for a while.

Right in the middle of writing this my mum phoned and ive just had quite an emotional talk with her she is one of the few people who can reduce me to tears in seconds now im facing the painful issues which make me escape to gambling im finding things very hard. Emotionally ive built such a wall around myself so i dont have to face these feelings im not sure how to handle them i dont just have issues with my ex but with my dad to who was going to come and see me in a weeks time but i wont be here im going down to my brothers for a family get together for my 40th yet he couldnt change what day he comes down so i wont see him for another 6 weeks.He just makes me feel so unimportant has done ever since my parents split up when i as 8.

Anyway i wasnt expecting to write all that but after talking to mum i feel emotionally drained im going to try and have an early night.

Stay strong.x

Well, you stay strong too. And stay away from the online casinos. Get through tonight.

'I won't gamble today'

This is my 3rd time posting tonight but ive got such alot buzzing through my head its probably a good idea to write it down before i try and sleep.

I have a 5 week plan for my finances im going to keep minimum money to get through the weekends

and then plough all moneies left over into getting on top of my bills gas/water/electric/rent/childcare/paying mum back as im behind on everything.That will then leave 3 weeks money to get ready for christmas and i should be back on an even keal for the new year.

My mum has suggested that i write a list of everythig ive achieved this year so i can actually see what ive done.although the way i see it ive only done what any parent would do .So at some point i will indulge myself and post it on here.

Any hoo i think im starting to get addicted to my diary.x

Hi Liz, I am sure diary addiction is OK, so you just keep right on going gal.

Its good that you have a plan, and sounds like a good plan, although it may be tough at the time it will pay off in the end, stick with it.

Good idea to write down a list of what you have achieved, you may actually surprize yourself, and coming on here for help and support must be one of them.

You take care now and chin up, Juliette x

After my many posts yesterday i will keep this one short feel ok to day still worried about bills and money but if i stick to the plan it should get me back on track.

I am also going to look into one to one counselling to help me deal with the painful issues i keep trying to escape from.

onwards and upwards staying strong.x

Dont know why im posting this but any hoo

I went to tescos today to grab some nappies and my bargains of the day were

2 fresh cream doughnuts 18p

1 large mississippi mud pie 50p

the boys and i indulged after dinner now feeling abit sick lol.

Its the little things.x

Today i turn 40 and for me this is my new start ive stayed away from gambling although its been tougher than i thought but ive managed to get this far i intend to carry on.

I have more time to spend with the 2 people who mean more to me than anything i havent had that sick feeling for weeks and im starting to face my demons head on.

I intend for my quality of life and that of my kids to soar as im taking my finger off the self destruct button.

Have a good day everyone im going to london to have lunch with my mum and uncle and the boys.

Life begins at 40.

stay strong.x

hi elizabeth, this is my first post on this site, firstly happy birthday, i hope you have a lovely day.

im intendng to start my own diary soon so i wont hog yours! lol. i just wanted to say that i have read your posts from the beguinning and i think you are a remarkable woman and your doing fantastically well!! (btw im on day 2 of not gambling)

everything you say about the feelings of joy at winning then beatng yourself up for putting it all back really struck a chord with me and made me feel far less `stupid`. i too would like to think of myself as an intelligent woman

and have tried to rationalize my compulsive gambling but now have realized i cant im an addict.

well i have gone on a bit more than i intended but wanted to say thank you for your diary as it as made me want to stick around on this site. ( and all the other users who post).

stay strong and once again happy birthday!

donna x

Hi donna thankyou for your kind words thats the thing from reading many diaries we all seem to be intelligent people with good families,jobs etc but yet we try and destroy everything that is dear to us.

As for rationalizing our gambling dont rationalize the gambling you have to look inside and try and discover what it is your trying to escape from. it seems to me and its just my opinon that alot of the woman are trying to escape whatever it is that hurts them i know thats true for me its no differant from alcohol or drug addiction when you start asking why ,most people are trying to numb some sort of pain.

As in gambling you ask most people they say they zone out you dont realize how much time has gone by until youve finished.

Anyway now ive finished getting all deep and meaningful welcome to the site donna i will keep an eye out for your diary.

Ive had a great day been spoilt rotten and dont feel the urge to gamble.

stay strong.x

HI Elizabeth

Just wanted to drop in and say happy birthday and keep up the great work.

Life really is much better without the gambling demons 🙂

Reading your diary and many others are certainly helping me to stay gamble free and moving in the right direction.

May I wish you the best in your recovery and enjoy the rest of your birthday (even though we may not feel it we still desrve to be treated occasionaly so make the most of it)

Best Wishes

Andrew x x

Hi Liz, hope that you have had a great day with family celebrating your new start, best wishes for the next 40yrs (AT LEAST), they tell me that the new 60 is 40, so that makes you about 20, lol. Best wishes X

Thanks juliette and apg .

Today ive woken up feeling nervous i think its because iv got extra cash, presents from yesterday and today the force is strong.

Although i will treat myself for my birthday most of the cash will be used to catch up on bills although everyone who gave me money insisted i didnt spend it on the boys or bills but needs must sometimes.The way i see it is catching up on some bills and taking some financal stress off me is a great birthday present.

My mum will be down later this afternoon as she babysits for me while i work i have private cleaning customers on a wed if i dont go i dont get paid so it breaks my week off up and then friday down to portsmouth to see my brother for the weekend so no chance of gambling there.

I will have to be careful today but I WILL NOT GAMBLE.

Stay strong.

I have realised the nerves were the same feeling i get when i know i can gamble those strange butterflies you get i ve refused to go out of the house today as i know that i will crumble and all willpower will go out of the window.

My mum has just arrived and shes going up the shop for me to get the bits and pieces i needed as i know if i go out i will go to the bank or buy a money voucher NOT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

I WILL NOT GAMBLE.X

.

hi liz

happy birthday.Your doing so well you should be proud of yourself.We all have this temptation,some cave into in like ive done in the past,and some fight it off like yourself.you should teat yourself to something nice for your birthday because you deserve it.all the best