A real aim

Hi Mile end, what a remarkably positive and encouraging start, I wish you well. I am a couple of days into my own recovery for the n'th time round, but I am determined to make this time count. I am spending more time reading and writing on this forum than I ever had done in the past. I am using the Netline, chat and telephone services. I may seek some counselling services too, I'll see how I feel as I go on. My main aim is never to lose sight of how I felt 2 days ago; all the misery, hopelessness, negative emotions and madness that is compulsive gambling. Like you, I am a binge gambler and can go long periods without betting. During those times gambling rarely enters my mind as I am happy doing other things in my life. When I do have a bet again though, what a nightmare. Its like I play catch up for all the months I didn't gamble. I loose silly amounts of money in just a matter of days. Money that I haven't got, it all goes on credit cards which are accepted at all the online casinos. When I lose I am devastated and walking away having to accept those losses is (for me) the hardest thing to do because the urge to chase is so powerful. Accepting a financial loss is like accepting I am a loser personally, that's what goes on in my mind, and maybe that's why it hurts so much because I know I am not a loser or a failure, yet I can't understand why I need to self-destruct like that. Do wish you the very best. Keep reading, keep posting and keep positive...

Hi Simon,

Thats exactly how I feel during my gambling spells, always relapse with a comparatively small bet then before I know it, its escalated to scary amounts. As you say, Its chasing the losses as at the time, thats what highlights me as being a loser - and the flip side, being financially 'up' makes me feel like a success (when with the ability to step back from it - its the gambling that shows you up as the bigger loser) Its purely chasing losses that pushes me on when I'm not quite at the brink - yet even if get back to winning ways - greed and compulsion takes over thinking I'm on a 'winning streak' ending in even worse losses. Thats when usually I lose control - I'll have got adecent win behind me only to squander it. Funnily I don't go down the credit card route as know the companies charge higher interest for money transactions (pitifully low sums compared to what I lose on my debit card though!) which just highlights the self destructive nature of gambling. Thankfully the minute I wake up to myself and self exclude I'm OK for a short spell, its after the first few weeks I find it harder, which is why hopefully by using the forum I'll keep reminding myself of the initial misery I've felt (again) these past few days and draw inspiration from others like yourself.

Not said much for a few weeks but as said before, short term gambling is not a problem, its when the memories fade that I lose sight of my goals. So can update and say still going strong, not had any urges to bet despite the usual temptations being all around. Reading the ongoing diaries on here helps so much to be able to relate to others and for those that are suffering, get through the first couple of weeks where you feel terrible and then keep the focus, remember how good you once felt before compulsive gambling got a grip of you, thats where we all want to be again.

Hi mile end. Thanks for post on my diary - true to my word i'm going to start posting a lot more and reading as I've slowed down a lot with it and if anything will get me it's complacency. I'm glad that reading through mine and everyone else's diary(s) has helped. From what you've said about the binge aspects of your gambling it sounds to me like blocks are the key thing (as many as you can possibly put into place) and replacing the gambling with this and other things. Worked well for me anyway. One thing is a definite. Life is so much better without gambling - still full of the ups and downs and it is at times hard - but without all the additional ones that gambling causes you'll deal with them better. Keep it going mate.

Managed to go 2 1/2 months gamble free. Many out there will associate with how the terrible feelings of when gambling (and losing) soon fade, but this is when the real hard times begin. Start thinking a gamble may be all right - thankfully so far I've resisted the temptations. I'm using my gamble free time as incentive. Gone this far, I want to make 3 months, then 6 etc etc

To anyone else just starting up, get over the first few weeks where the guilt of debts, lost money is too raw and you do start seeing things in perspective and start enjoying life again. I will always regret the money lost but hopefully this time Im learning from it.

An update - though not a positive one. After 7 months with not even a temptation I relented and within hours had lost a sizeable amount of money that I can't afford. (even if I could I would still be feeling the same) Can't begin to sum up the feelings now, I really hate myself - is this the way its always going to be? Even when on the online casino again - I knew I didn't enjoy it and really had no idea of strategy etc, was just hoping I'd get one of the big win spins I'd had on previous times.

Its amazing how frequent your luck doesn't come up - I wish I'd reflected on this yesterday but to anyone who thinks its a good idea - its NOT. Wont get into the whole debate about how they work but the bottom line is I realise every time I get an uncanny amount of non covered numbers on roulette suddenly coming up - even after x amount of spins where you had it covered only to miss it that one time. The whole thing makes me sick. If anyone else reads this and takes some positive attitude from it to not gamble then it'll make me feel a little better.

I just hope I've not put myself in a situation where the loss of money pushes me back in all aspects of life, though Im still in a pretty bad place from my previous gambling issues, but I really thought there was light at the end of the tunnel only for me to go and ruin it all again.

Now that I've got to grips over my recent stupidity I was wondering why I do it? For 49 days out of 50 I will be fine, can walk past the bookies , stay off of online sites etc and don't want or need to go near them. In my mind I'm still ashamed from the previous big losses and am resolute in staying clear, but then every so often I go through a bad spell.

Whether it is depression - I don't know but I know the despair, low self esteem etc isn't caused by the gambling, it comes first. It can also be linked with things I spend money on. If I feel its unnecesary etc ie a 'treat' that is probably not worth the money I paid (not necessarily expensive - just overpriced in relation to necessities e.g £30+ for a football ticket) I feel real guilt due to not have much/any spare cash (due to gambling debts) poorly paid job etc. I then spiral into the feeling of "well a couple of spins on the fobt will give me an easy £10 to offset me spending x amount on myself etc From there I'll lose maybe £30-50 only to claw it back and get up to £30-50 profit. From there my mind kicks into overdrive and I think well thats been paid for if I go for X it can pay for Y etc and the chase begins. Inevitably I'll lose £100 or so but something in my mind stops me ploughing any more 'real' money into the 'con' machines but by then the damage is done. My mind now tells me online is the way to go - stakes/wins are generally bigger, its quicker, easier and no one I know will see me in the bookies. Despite self excluding myself from registered online bookies its amazing how in those dark spells I'll find myself newly registering with others. I'll aim to claw back the lost £100 by putting in £2-300 but ultimately lose it. I'll repeat same action 3 or 4 more times each time thinking, "well, if I just claw back the last £100 I can do same over period of x days and I'll be back in the black by 2 or 3 weeks time. Another day of losing 2 or 3 more similar amounts and the fear then kicks in - the realisation that the money lost in such a short space of time could actualy have covered rent,bills etc for 2 or 3 months or even I could've blown a similar amount on something really lavish etc(which I never do, I scrimp and save 99% of the non gambling time). By that stage my 'normal' side of the brain has come back to me and I close down the account, self exclude myself and go back to the constant guilt due to money troubles all being self inflicted. Its like its a form of sub concious self harming in some respects? I don't know if others can relate but just thought I'd see if anyone has any thoughts as now I'm back in 'sensible' mode I really can't believe I could behave in such a stupid way. I know on the face of it its obvious, I have to avoid all forms of gambling which may act as a trigger, if only every day I could look at it so logically?!

Today I've tried posting in a few diaries. It is something I find quite difficult - just putting your own opinions etc into someone elses space, I'm generally not someone to speak up and say this or that but I think it will help. The reason I think I relapsed is because I kept it all to myself and so when the little voice in my head finally overuled my sensible thoughts I was only cheating myself. Hopefully by interacting on here more I can feel I am letting down all those on here that give out advice and help and so strengthen me to stay away from gambling for good.

To those that often say when the gambling urge is strong do something else, ie go to gym etc do you not find when you go, your thoughts are consumed still with when to gamble, what you could win etc?. Changing activity/environment doesn't seem to shake it off for me. Anyway day 3 has passed and I felt more like myself today. The sick feeling is ebbing a bit and I feel more positive again. Looking forward to building up the days again and hopefully getting to 1month, 6 months again then beyond.

7 days gone, had a moment at the weekend when thought a win on the football would claw back the losses and stable the ship financially a bit, but quickly nipped that one in the bud.

I read your diary today, and took a lot from it, esp your description of your feelings after gambling and losing.

Keep strong!

Thanks Milkman, So far so good this time.

Hi Mile end. Was going through my old diary posts and never got round to responding to your post. For what it is worth i truly understand how you ended up back where you were...as I did to after a good period of recovery. I guess the trick is knowing and accepting that the potential short term gain inevitably leads to a long tern pain. Anyway all the very best to you.

2 weeks gone by and all good so far. Thinking about all the amazing Christmas presents etc I could've bought with the money wasted gambling makes me angry with myself but at the same time am glad to be happy with a more positive outlook than I would've been if back on the fobt or online. Hopefully all of us on here can steer clear of them and have a Happy Christmas (or at least happier than it might've been gambling)?