A real aim

well what can I say. I thought I'd got somewhere but not a chance. The evil within me won out again. (about the only thing that wins, loser that I am). I hadn't been on the diaries so not sure how many others have been dealing well, I hope everyone. An enforced layoff from internet with no service was I thought a blessing but after a few months out of action when I got it up and running again i slipped back to old ways. This relapse was about the same as all the others. A fair portion of what I'd managed to save since the last time all gone. Thankfully all my self exclusions were in place so could have been so much worse but aamazing all the new companies that are out there now (shows where the money goes! There must be thousands of us all struggling to beat it while they rake in millions) Anyway day 1 once again.

if anyone wants to comment please do, if not Ill natter on now and again and will hopefully not have anymore setbacks to report.

I've also just realised my 1st post on here was nearly a year to the day - weird. Whatever it is that ruins me seems to work to cycles through the year??

Hi Mile end, well done for coming back here for support that takes a lot of courage. We all make mistakes, but what I am beginning 2 learn is that what matters is what we learn from the mistakes we make. Well done 4 taking some positive steps.

U can do this, stay strong and keep going 🙂

Thanks Charlotte. I just wish there was some way to get a the diaries to automatically appear on my computer everyday. Its reading them that keeps me focused. When Im alone the demons always win out in the end.

mile end,

well done for coming here and starting recovery for once more time.you are not the only one who relapsed.as you said in an older post when you were not updating the forum you always relapsed.i think that we have to stick to the gamcare forum, go to GA meetings and self exclude as much as possible.

early days of the recovery are the worst.be patient and start adding days and you ll see that the days will become weeks and months.

take care!

I'd done so well, what was that 7 months then I fell off again. So frustrating. At least this time I pulled away before losing all my disposable dosh but I am so frustrated. I had even stupidly thought I had conquered any problems I had as for a few weeks over Christmas/New Year I was betting small and using the money I won for all the extras that go on at this time of year. Then as usual I got greedy. It seemed so easy but in 3 mad days I have gone back to adding more and more even though I'm not even enjoying it and am EXPECTING to lose,not win. I realise my complacency had got the better of me which is why I'm back posting. Its the only thing these past few years that I genuinely feel works and although I may not get replies at least putting it out in the open gives me some purpose to stop again, (I have many others but the demons within override them if I just keep it to myself) Here we go again, day 1 started, lets get to day 100 as a first goal?

Hi Mile End,

Well done on the 7 mths gamble free, sorry 2 read about ur slip, it takes a lot of strength 2 come back here and admit it!

U can do this, take it one day at a time!

Have a gr8 nite 🙂

Thanks for posting your diary. There's a lot you've written that I can relate to, like not talking to anyone and carrying the burden of guilt alone... the feelings.... the repeatedly letting ourselves down. It's a nasty cycle. But berating ourselves doesn't help either. I've been working on that for myself. Hang in there and keep trying. There's support here. Blessings to you!

Hi mile end, well done on coming back and admiting that you slipped, it can be really dishearten some people but its not the end of the world. When we stop gambling quite quickly we start to feel better we can start to forget the pain and misery that gambling brings to our life, the sleepless nights, the lies and self hatred, and although we dont want to live that nightmare every day we must never forget why we started our diarys in the first place. This addiction is like a pilot light it will always be burning in the back ground and when complacency sets in and we think we can have just one bet or one go wooosh!! that pilot light is ignited stronger that ever. You are strong mile high you have proved that keep the lessons that you learnt close and take it one day at a time. Take care blondie

Yeah It's hard to stop once we start again. Welcome back and hope It's a smoother road for ya this time. Stay strong.

Thanks for the previous encouragement. 🙂 Tonight/this morning the feelings to gamble are high, I can't sleep. My mates were talking about their big wins at the weekend and I got thinking how I could restore my finances with similar but for the first time I've put in place blocking software and self excluded from all the bookies so all the immediate temptations have been removed. My mind is still buzzing though. I am going to post and refer to here alot from now. I realise we are all in it together. Despite the current feelings of temptation I will not gamble again. If I do please give me a hard time - I deserve no more sympathy! I'm going to read some more diaries and hopefully the latest want to gamble will pass.

Hi Mile End,

I hope your latest urge to gamble has now passed and you are feeling stronger. Well done on coming here to confront your issue last night rather than plotting how to get a fix. I hope you managed to sleep and that today is a new day in which you are not going to gamble.

Well done and all the best x

No urges to gamble today but from reading many others diaries it's always the same - when there are large gaps in time it is usually followed by a relapse post a few months later (myself included) so although makes tiresome reading for others - no gambling for me today.

Can't remember who wrote it but for me sums up gambling really well

-

"even if you can afford the losses - it's still a waste"

which is sooo true, I'd rather spend it on anything than give it to the bookies now. Hoping thats the difference this time - I stopped before I hit rock bottom and can now see that even a small loss in my head now outweighs any possible winning amount. The bookies make billions a year and what do they do with it, well not alot. A bit of advertising, abit of sponsorship and the rest is paid out to shareholders, awarded huge bonuses to the very top small % of bosses or kept in a bank vault to allow them to invest and rack up more profit which they then use to buy over a small competitor who is even more unscrupulous at ripping off you and me, Apart fron stating % rates of payout do they ever explain how FOBTs or online casinos work - no chance as I bet its pretty underhand. Anyway rant over, ultimately its all down to me wether I gamble or not and as long as I stay focused and on here I hope not too.

Hi mile end,

Great post and even better to read your gamble free, you posted earlier in the week about your friends talking about there winnings it's funny isn't it i never spoke about my losses , and they were frequent and large.

Keep doing what your doing, gambling never was and never will be the answer.

Take care

Blondie