Here goes...
I have been a lurker for sometime here and finally feel I can share what gambling has done to me personally. I know many of you will already know and have had similar stories to this but I called it a warning simply because of how even after a long time of being gambling free and thrilling you have it all under control, it can come to destroy everything again.
I started off in an incredible situation, I was 29. I had my own home mortgage free and was on track to maybe never having to work again for money by the time I was 35. I would have over 300k in Investments at that point. My expenses were low and Investing over £1k a month. I decided to do matched betting which I won’t go into for obvious reasons, but this is another reason why I name this thread as a warning. I wanted to earn a little more basically...and I did. I got over £4000 extra. I only discuss this to setup the height of the fall and how I have been hit by this and in no way to brag (oh.. how much the opposite my intentions are).
I lost parts of my winnings and recovered them a few times however I was about £1000 down in winnings but still £3000 up. I put blocks in places etc and much time passed without my gambling. I had the occasional urge to make back that £1000 but never really acted on it apart from getting close a couple of times over 6 months in time maybe. I knew if I risked say £5000 to make it back, I would go into real losses. And god knows what I would do to get that back as if I am tempted to gamble to make back 1k when I am up 3k, what would I do if I went into my own money...well.. you can guess what happened can’t you.
After around 9 months of no gambling, I did place a bet to win back that £1000. I lost... for the first time I was into my own money now in losses.. I was terrified and felt so sick. In restrospect, what I would give to be back at that situation. The problem is - I even said that to myself at the time to try and convince myself to stop then and there. It wasn’t enough however. I went on to bet 10k, 25k, 50k, 100k...all in all I lost £231,548 in 1 Month. I sit here shaking my head feeling pathetic in having allowed such a thing to happen. I had the money available...and I used it.
It’s taken me over 30 minutes to get to this next paragraph from the last line. I was in tears after writing that last paragraph, just complete disbelief at what I have done. It makes me realise and understand why people can take their own lives just to get away from the suffering their interior world is causing them. I have felt that strongly myself.
I wish I could say the story ended there but it didn’t. I sold my house to pay back some debts of around £25k and to try and get back on even ground as I had a good stable job. The money I got back from this went back into paying back the debt but also eventually into chasing losses and I was now in the situation of having no money but no debt, paying rent from having a mortgage free home. Working till god knows when possibly never having to work again at 35.
I am in the same position as most ordinary people today, I have my health, I have a stable job. I can afford my bills. I am not in debt (currently)... I have now been GF since November 30th last year. I feel like I am living in a surreal world where everything I thought I had has collapsed, like it was a dream I have woken up from. I am seeing a counsellor and I have handed over finances to my partner who is still standing by me. This I feel immense ly grateful for... writing all of this still however makes me feel numb and almost lifeless. I feel like I had to get this out my system and I wanted to share my story. I will try to update this diary frequently as with what I have done in the past, I am ever so scared of what I might do next - terrified in fact.
All this stemmed in part from chasing a £7 loss I used to think but of course that’s not true is it. All of this has stemmed from the inability to lose £7 and then the inability to lose £50 and on and on. It wasn’t even my own true money, it was profit. I saw coming what might happen, I said time and time again - if you can’t stand to lose some profit, how will you feel losing your own money and when you have a lot of money at hand, what devastation could you bring to your life. Well, here I am having done exactly that.
I feel so much better getting that out my system. I deserve criticism and hostility for what I have done so I won’t be surprised if I get some. It’s totally warranted.
I wish everyone well for 2018. I hope we can all stay GF as long as possible.
Regards,
Scott
Scott
Thank you for sharing your story.
That must have taken some courage. I wish you all the best for 2018, you have been successful before, you still are! You can build back that secure life, it just takes hard work and to never forget
Saffie x
Wow! everyone who is really serious about giving up gambling should read your story Scott. Good on you for being honest and coming on here.
Shaun
Hi Scott,
Just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve had a similar situation ... huge losses - at one point I got it all back apart from £45, but didn’t want to finish a loser! All I can say is we can beat ourselves up for years to come, or try and get it back through hard work and never gambling again. You’ve obviously had the ability to earn a lot of money before, so I’m sure if you can manage to forget about the past you can do so again. We’ve both made huge losses, but if you read some of the diaries we need to count ourselves lucky ... we have no debt, a partner, a job ... try and hang onto that, and I certainly don’t think anyone should give you criticism and hostility ... we all understand where you have been and where you are ... only difference is the amount of capital you had available. All the best for 2018 and thanks again for sharing. Richard
Hi Scott,
May I echo those who have already written, thanking you for sharing your experiences. I hope that, in some way, it feels cathartic doing so. My goodness the empathy you'll get here is total; we have all been here to some degree and I can share with you that I've lost a similar amount over the years and could easily have retired by now.
In my eyes, it's all about how we rationalise our experiences and how we approach moving on. It seems almost too obvious and basic but this point is true - having our health is fundamental. Then, having our loved ones and friends - our non-judgemental support network. Fundamentals - a place to live, warm and fed. A job; one with prospects an extra cherry on the cake. Our attitude, respect and natural humility that guides our relationships, personal and professional. (Sometimes, gamblers lack a natural humility, which is a strength in life, not a weakness). A resetting of our targets and ambitions; challenging ourselves in a different way, still absolutely looking forward to the future as part of that reset.
We are the sum of our experiences and learn from them and one thing I've certainly recognised is that being a compulsive gambler in the past means, for me at least, it's always "in the blood". Hence why solid restrictions, for example a permanent handover of finances is one that I've personally adopted, are not only responsible but liberating. And certainly not emasculating. Continuing to understand ourselves and how compulsive gambling affects us is a must, and will help us keep this corrosive condition at bay, every day, one day at a time.
You can build again, with solid foundations and with enlightenment, actually. Appreciating what really matters in life. What has happened, has happened. We can look back, yes, but no point staring.
Like fellow posters to your thread, may I also wish you all the very best Scott and thank you so much for posting.
Thanks Scott for sharing. Hope all goes well with your recovery
Hi Scott
You don't deserve any criticism or hostility from anyone. You have been a victim (not sure if I really like that word but I am sure you get the gist) of an addiction.
The financial size of your loss is obviously significant but imho given that none of us have found a way to change the past I don't think it makes any difference to your decisions going forward.
Once you can get your head around the fact the money is gone you can start to rebuild your life and plans for the future based on your new starting point. You are reasonably young, debt free, in a decent job with a partner who is sticking with you - could be a lot worse!
Dealing with your gambling problem is your first priority though. First you have to decide if you really want to stop - if you don't or you are harbouring secret ideas of being able to win you money back then you are probably looking at a very unhappy future once you start borrowing to gamble. Please make the decision never to gamble again, stick with the counselling and put as many blocks in place as you can to deal with any unwanted urges to gamble.
Good luck and keep posting. You are not alone, we are all in this battle together and try and support each other as much as we can.
That is a shocking amount of money to lose mate,but we're all in the same boat here we gamble what we have and we lose what we can't afford to lose,it gets out of hand once you start chasing there's no stopping it,I went from winning 7500 (which is a lot of money to me)in september 2016 to losing it all and having to take a loan out for 5k in January 2017,because I had preliminary booked s holiday to Disneyland Florida for me and my family in may 2017,we went and had an amazing time but it meant I was in debt to the bank and still am now for the next 4 years when before I won the 7500 I had absolutely no debt and living quite comfortably without a gambling problem,it's the wins that get you and the losses that haunt you forever,anyways sorry for rambling but what I'm trying to say is no matter how big or small the sum of money we win or lose we all have the same problem and that is the addiction to having a bet,what's help me stop is these forums and the motto I've drilled into myself is that money isn't everything and that if I place another bet again I risk losing my family,it's helped me get to 72 gamble-free,best wishes for 2018 Scott,you don't deserve to be criticised were all here for the same reason,the support of each other because were the only ones who know how horrible it feels to be caught in the relentless circle of chasing your losses.
Welcome to the forum & congratulations on your gamble free time Scott!
As a few posts have said, amounts are really rather irrelevant when it come to our addiction & rather than punishing yourself for where you were (as is the nature of addiction) look @ it as a strength that you recognised you needed help & reached out for it. As you get further along with your counselling, you will recognise that this is not a financial problem & as you say, the money that you thought you were chasing had very little to do with your actions.
You may hate yourself for what you have done but people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones & the majority of people on this site are here because we have gambled with our lives.
I don’t know what type of counselling you are having or whether your partner has any support but I would recommend GA for you & GamAnon for her in any case. All the time you have had the funds to gamble you’ve been running from something, now that you have stopped, feelings that have been suppressed until now have been able to surface & are giving you a kicking.
I’m not sure it will help much @ the moment but if you take the help that is out there & give everything you have to your recovery you will be able to forge a life that money cannot buy...The 1st time you meet someone really working the 12 Step program, regardless of their financial situation, you will get what I mean.
Try not to look too far ahead, it’s the todays that count - ODAAT
I am bowled over by the warmth and compassion from all of your replies so far. You really have bought out the CARE in GamCare. You don’t know how good it feels or maybe you do...to have people understand and just be there for you. It makes me glad I joined and shared my story.
Saffie
Thank you. I can build my life back up Yes, I am just trying so hard not to go backward from this point.
Sha999
Thanks for posting. I am glad it could be used to in some way help others. That’s part of my aims with this diary.
Rsmith39
I can really relate to that feeling of not wanting to be a loser, I broke even before but then I still felt like a loser for wasting so much time gambling and causing so much risk and headaches. I wanted to come out winning in that sense too.. I of course lost big time. Yeah I like to think sometimes to make myself feel better that if people had as much available to spend, I wouldn’t have been the only one to burn through it all but even so, it’s not a competition. We all stand side by side in suffering from this illness. I do appreciate what I have, I can rebuild but it will take so long but that’s fine. I am more worried about making things worse. Thanks Richard.
Mixer
Thanks for your lovely post. I am starting to feel the empathy already in full swing. Yes, I fully try as often as possible to focus on what I have and to try and frame what’s happened in a way that will help me moving forward. I am forever learning and trying to improve at doing this.
Frozen
Thanks for your support.
Muststop123
Yes I know it could be a lot worse. I think the worse that it could be is what keeps me concerned and vigilant. I have lost the life I had worked hard to build, I had lost that imagined future because of this but I still can slowly work to something else, I know people have lost more than just money. Thank your very much for your post.
SEL87
Yes it is a shocking amount, the amount of times I have woken up and thought for a moment that it hadn’t happened only to remember that it had. I threw away an amazing position to be in financially, and it hurts tremendously whenever I think about it. Thank you for your kind words.
ODATT
Thanks for your post. I am not currently at GA but am open to this. My partner is not attending anything currently, she of course thinks what I have done is incredibly stupid and silly but has been there for me. She doesn’t know the true amount of my losses although she knows it was over 100k. I didn’t have the extra burden of feeling like I had lost her money directly as my home and my own money was mine prior to meeting her but of course it is ours because we are a package deal so I do feel guilty of ruining a better future I could I gave her. Thanks for your kindness
Scott
Parent of a gambler speaking so not only understand what you have been through but can also understand a little of how your partner must have felt too. So important that you have shared your story and you probably do not realise how many people will get help from reading it. I hope it makes people think twice about their future before trying their luck. Gambling seems to hit people in all walks of life and like any addiction it grabs hold of you and it takes a lot of willpower, self discipline and hard work to pull yourself out of it, as you seem to have done. Not to mention the sacrifices along the way for you and anyone close to you. I am glad you are at peace with yourself now, well done, and wish you and your partner luck for a "Happy Everafter".
Take care
Hi Scott
I don't know how many people you will/can help but you have made a difference to me. I always have my iPhone with me, every time I get the temptation I will read your story.
Great you are on here, it will make you stronger and the people on here will help you whenever you need help, we are not here to judge as we are in a similar situation.
Shaun
33 Days GF
I think the main realisation from before is that will power is simply not enough for most of us, you need to remove the triggers and also you need to make it as hard as possible to be able to gamble. Without all three (will power, removing triggers, putting obstacles in places) look what can happen...
Gamparentanon
Thank you for your reply. I didn’t expect my post to have such a positive reaction from people.
Sha999
You have no idea how good it feels having shared my story which was a breakthrough in itself and having it potentially help people like you, that’s great.
Hi Scott.
I am a similar time GF to you and I've found a useful tool to log on to this forum just to distract myself.
My story is similar in a way to yours in that I have lost a large sum of money too. I am also in debt because of gambling which thankfully you don't seem to be.
All I know is we can do this one day at a time
Saffie
Yes, one day at a time. I am trying my best not to think about the losses but it’s hard.. luckily without cards I simply can’t gamble but it burns inside me about what I have done... it’s hard to switch it off .
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