A warning to all of you - My Story & Diary

Hi Scott,

Hang in there. I feel the same ... don’t want to gamble really but gutted by the losses, and occasional thoughts of feeling better by winning it back ... luckily I don’t have the access to funds to do that. A couple of things are helping with the grief ... 1) time - I feel a better each day, 2) realising to some of extent I couldnt really help it .... not trying to excuse myself , but we were addicts not thinking straight.

The other thing my partner says is what would I do with the extra money anyway .., either gamble it (which we aren’t doing anymore) or sit it in the bank and feel happy that I could retire a bit sooner ... why wish my life away to retirement. Cliche but just take it one day at a time ... at the moment getting up and managing to go to work, and going to get not having gambled is an achievement and probably the same for you, so learn to accept the small victories each day. Keep checking in ... I’m just satisfied that the guilt will go away a little bit at a time. Rich

So... I almost blew it today. An old friend of mine owed me some money from a while ago and finally gave it to me. It was £300 in cash. Now this friend does not know about my gambling problems so wouldn’t have thought twice about giving it me and he was quite pleased to do so as he has finally paid me back.

Now, on the way back from his, I walked past a gambling establishment as it were. I stood outside thinking for a while about going in and just betting it as I really wasn’t expecting it and my partner wouldn’t find out really either as she didn’t know someone owed me money. Now I’ve never gambled in a shop before - only ever online. I walked in and just stood frozen in the shop. A member of staff came over to me and asked what machine took my fancy etc. I said I have made a mistake and need to leave to which she replied “it’s only a bit of fun, go for it!”.... I stood there almost ready to shout back “FUN!..FUN!... maybe to many young lady but I’ve f... lost £230,000 + and ruined my future planned life etc...”. Of course, I didn’t say that and I just walked out shaking my head. “Your loss...” she said as I walked out.

I got home and handed that £300 to my partner and opened a can of beer and that was it. It really drained me that did, really did.

34 Days GF

Scott-well done! You are doing this and doing it well. That is one hell of an amount of will power right there.

Well done and don't forget the feeling of triumph you felt today over the addiction

Got to hand it to you, that can of beer was well deserved.
I cannot begin to imagine how you feel after the last few months.
Flick that past switch to off and turn on the present. Make it gamble free and your future can only see you going from strength to strength.
All good wishes x

Thanks Saffie and LML. That means a lot. I do feel proud of that today. I just wish I could shake keep going back to the losses, it’s like I have an unruly elephant as my mind and I cannot control it stampeding all over my just move on mind. Leats it’s another day GF. Hope everyone’s had a good day and stayed GF. Scott

Reading that has just made my evening, if I had not just brushed my teeth ready for bed I would have had a quick drink myself to toast you!

Making the choice not to gamble when it is all there available in front of you with cash in your hand shows you really don't want to gamble. There was nothing stopping you except your own self will. Great stuff.

Well done on the 34 days.

Hi Scott and everyone, Just to have a good job like you do! and to be on the younger side and have a nice partner/wife. Even if you are not set up for a work free future. The future is the future and as my mom always said, 'don't think too far ahead or I could be dead by tomorrow'. Not too cheerful of a perspective. lol. I always say... 'count your blessings and focus on health and well being... this is true wealth.' Now my situation around gambling left me with a small savings of around 2 thousand at one point. Since then I've been able to save a little more, get my bills paid and continue to work on the 'bad bad habit/addiction/compulsion of slot play. Losses are all subjective depending on life style, occupation, family of origin etc. My $60,ooo savings plus all the extra money I earned over 13 years just went down the drain. But to tell you the truth, the less than $10 grand that I sit with today and the job which pays my bills and allows for me to save some is like a cup half FULL. Back in the beginnng when I first began to lose hundreds and thousands... I saw nothing but a cup that was draining. My entire life savings was draining and the life was draining out of me. I'm over 50 and now all I can do is be happy to have changed my perspective on what matters. I'm still challenged by the slot behavior but I'm also recovering little by little ... it's gonna change. I can not longer live that way. really. thanks for creating this post and all the best. tara2

Well done Scott, would have been so easy to give up and 'have just one go'.

Shaun

Hi Scott,

Popping by to say hope first day back at work went well, and managed to keep yourself distracted. I had to give a rousing "we're going to have a great 2018" presentation to the entire business .... the most forced display of cheeriness ever, but at least another day ticked off, no money wasted, and gamble free days edging up. Now been told that my youngest has some of her mates around for tea (several 6 year old girls) .... if ever there was a temptation to "work late" and go and hide in a bookies, but I will resist! Cheers. Rich

Thanks sha999 and muststop123. That pint did go down nicely I must say.

Tara2

Thanks for your post. Everything you said has value and truth to it without a doubt, the problem is it’s just very hard to not think about what I’ve lost also. Feel very conflicted....

Rsmith39

Thanks Richard. It was a very busy productive day for a first day back, was surprised. I feel fairly fortunate as I have been at this job for nearly a year now and this is the first time I have kinda looked forward to going back to work in my career. How many people attended presentation? Hehe about the temptation to gamble if there ever was one.

Another day GF, another day with intrusive thoughts about my losses, constantly thinking about What Ifs... I know what I should do, think etc but I just don’t fully control my mind, the thoughts appear and sometimes I get lost in them. I want to try to observe them more without running away with them. It’s hard...

Well done Scotto a clean day is a good day

Thanks frozen. I’ve had a fairly bad day today mentally. I used will power to stop gambling and succeeded for 9 months. I used blocking myself from sites and using software like Gamban. This worked for a while. It was only very reluctantly handing over my finances to my partner that literally killed my ability to gamble. It was very hard for me to do being completely honest, I was the clever one with finances, I had built a future where I would possibly not need to work in my late 30s. I tracked every penny I spent, I budgeted. I planned, I invested. I had such control and had been doing well for years. Then... look what happened. I lost nearly a quarter of a million gambling. So I had to give my finances over to my partner who by her own admission wasn’t great with money in terms of management or saving etc. I taught her the good stuff I used to do and now she has literally saved me, it’s the best thing I did since all of this. I can’t gamble unless I somehow get a loan or payday loan without her knowledge or steal. It’s the best block there is.

Im afraid I just can’t shake the loss, it’s emotionslly ripping me apart. I’m sorry for such a negative tone of a post but this is how I feel raw in the moment. A quarter of a million, a quarter of a million... a future... all my hard work...gone. I feel literally sick when I think about this loss. I keep trying to think of how I could get it back. Sometimes I wake up in a morning and for a moment I think it hasn’t happened and it feels great and then... I remember it’s all real And I feel again sick. That’s enough ranting 🙁 for now. Scott

37 DAYS GF

Thanks for your post Scott, it means a lot that you take time out to support.
I totally understand but it is really upsetting to hear how your losses tear you apart.
I probably don't have the right words and I know you've probably heard similar before but I just want to say whilst you should never forget, no amount of remorse or regret will bring that money back.
Your wife knows, she has stood by you and offered to take over the finances.
She must care for you very much. I think it was your wife who said, even if you have the money sat in the bank. It's not doing anything . . . it's just sat there.
Don't spoil what you could have today with thoughts of yesterday. I'm sure your wife would like an upbeat supportive husband now. You sound very kind and caring. It's time to be kind to yourself, build yourself back up, start living again.
I try to look at it as a chapter in my book of life. It's time to turn the pages and start a new chapter now.
I wish you lots of strength and happiness and hope I have not offended in any way. (I know I can go on a bit!) x

Unfortunately Scott the money is no more, you really have to let it go or it will drag you back. It's very depressing to think about the damage you have done but time will heal alot. On a personal note I have been where you are and dwelling in losses and the past only brought future misery. Close this chapter like the above poster advises and start a new one. I nor you ever asked for this disease but there is much worse things that could happen to us. Enjoy your gamble free Sunday.