A warning to all of you - My Story & Diary

Hey Adam. There’s more to life than money and by extension work was what got me wanting not to need to work to start with hehe. I know what you’re saying bud, I was never defo going to stop working but to make it completely optional was the awesome part. I’m quite lucky now as I have a job I really enjoy. I think the problem is Adam, when you have had something or the prospect of something so close, it’s just hard when you lose it. I don’t feel sorry for myself at all, it’s just hard sometimes to think how much you have lost and the benefits that came from that. Not having to worry about money, allowed me to focus on other things more important... I had a really bad job when I wrote this post and worked towards FI in the beginning. It was enough to make me never want to work again :)...that’s not the case anymore

2 things based on your posts.

1)

I sway from feeling like I threw away so much and it need not have been that way, I had not chased before but.. I also feel proud of not gambling since.

Its funny... Your account of urges you get sound very much similar to everyone's elses on here at some point. So it shows the money is immaterial... The illness is the illness... no matter what the figures at stake are the illness will mow you down if you get caught up in its warpath. So philosophically speaking you needn't ever beat yourself up about the large figure? Because it just happened to be the amount of total money you had at your disposal at the time? If you only had 13.5k (only) :o) like I did at my time you would have done that load instead... A smaller load but it doesn't make us any better or worse than each other. I would have done your load if I had those figures at my disposal. The fact is we both have gambling disorder. That's it. The numbers are immaterial.

2)

I think the problem is Adam, when you have had something or the prospect of something so close, it's just hard when you lose it.

You remind me of the dragon Peter cook when he was talking about amassing a fortune again after losing everything once. He said the best security for his new fortune is the fact that he has felt what it was like to amass it all then lose it all and that feeling never goes away and acts as the prudence by which he runs his money now.
I'm not saying you'll have all that money again - you may do you may not... See your experiences (as harrowing as they were) as more than just heartbreak... They also serve as the platform for you to manage money with increased prudence and responsibility from here on in. As your pot grows your prudence and responsibility will grow this time rather than your urge to gamble... You've been there and done that before... It didn't work out for you.

Keep up the fight bro

Thanks for your reply signalman. A really good read. I know what you mean about the numbers are immaterial in the sense we both gambled what we could. That’s certainly one way of framing it. I dreamt last night probably because I have come back to these forums that I gambled £10k and then won £20k. I managed to turn it back into all he money had lost. I was just waiting for it clear to my account, I felt so happy. It was an amazing feeling. But of course... it was only a dream. Scott... checked my days gambling free for first time in a while. 318 Days. That feels good on one level but also doesn’t bring me any great joy on another.

Thank you for posting on my diary Scott and congratulations on your excellent progress. To stay gamble free for 318 days is a wonderful achievement. An opportunity now for you to realise your full potential, explore new opportunities and enjoy a life free from the gambling shame and misery that has tormented you in the past.

We all suffer misfortune from time to time and sometimes people can seem unkind but does it really matter? At the end of the day it is only our approach to life which matters. Challenges, adventures and romance are wonders to be embraced and enjoyed as we journey through life.

I am reminded of the words of Scott of the Antarctic just before him and his party perished returning from their expedition to the South Pole: "But than take comfort in that I die at peace with the world and myself - not afraid."

Also ive heard that most people with a lot of money don't spend it, they save it, and people without money spend what they have.

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So in a way people without money actually get more from their money. Just a fleeting thought.

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All excellent insights. A great read. And please somehow force yourself to be proud of your 318 days GF Scott!! Ha ha, I'm almost 2 months and 318 seems an eternity away... Especially when I still get urges. So do you of course but if you calculate the total amount of urges you've had since day 1 that's a hell of a lot of urges to overcome and stay clean. Many men and women have succumb to urges as the force overpowers them. You have not. Be proud man. Also spare a thought for those still struggling out there. We do this at GA of course and I secretly hope the positive vibes we generate as a group reach those people and helps them in some way. Because I know the pain and it hurts me to think of people hurting in the same way.

I do feel more proud as I type now. Will soon be 1 year...I still feel very mixed about it all. That surreal feeling comes at times...zero temptation to win it back at the moment. I still find myself reading stories on here often, the warmth and connection we all have really means a lot to me. Scott

Scotto85g wrote:

I It's taken me over 30 minutes to get to this next paragraph from the last line. I was in tears after writing that last paragraph, just complete disbelief at what I have done. It makes me realise and understand why people can take their own lives just to get away from the suffering their interior world is causing them. I have felt that strongly myself.

I was just reading this again from your first post and it brought a lump to my throat... I wanted to ask you... Almost a year on from it all... Obviously at the time you would have hit rock bottom and slowly you have built yourself back up... Is the depression still there? Or is more just lurking around these days?

I only ask because I conceded today that I still carry a bit of depression around with me - albeit not as much as when this all happened but I wondered if it will ever leave my side or if an element of it will follow me round forever - almost like a constant reminder of my folly. I thought you'd be a good person to ask about that if that's ok Scott.

I think depression in the sense of general sadness as opposed to clinical depression was there in the early days but it was more anger for me, frustration anger and regret. I certainly wouldn’t say I have been close to clinical depression. Nowadays, I get the odd feelings of anger now and again but it’s more just a general frustration. It’s not overwhelming like it was and it gets less and less over time. I go weeks without even thinking about it. Time certainly does heal. Scott

Yeah you nailed it Scott... Time certainly does heal... That's what I needed to hear. Thanks.

Yeah sorry I meant depression as in general sadness, despair, anger etc... It's good to hear you're in control of those feelings these days. I hope what's happened to you and the strides you've made make you a strong person and although the circumstances are so unfortunate re. gambling I hope that you will lead a fulfilled and prosperous life despite what happened to you... In fact I hope you are living that life even today.

I have always suffered with the 'black dog' of depression but I think finally embracing a recovery program and reaching out will help me to leaving gambling behind and also help me to deal with the depression and general low mood... It's an age old debate re whether gambling fuels depression or vice-versa... All I know is that recovery seems to serve more purpose than just abstainence from gambling if you want it to or need it to... So I'm fully committed to it. I try not to think too much about which came first and focus my energy on just addressing both. Thanks Scott.

Hi Scott,

Reading your diary....wow how far you have come...gives me inspiration...thank you.

Sarah

Hello Scotto85g

Just a line to say thanks, I feel privileged that you have spared some time to post on my Diary. It means a lot. You've been through a fair bit yourself and youre still standing and surviving. Well done on achieving what you have.

I sincerely agree with the GamStop thing, it's just that the thought of "ripping the plaster off in one go" is scary. Even though I know it's the best way.

My gambling has become more reckless I have noticed this month and if anything it's fuelling my grief from my bereavement in a way. It's no longer blocking out the pain so something is going to have to change.

Thanks again for reply.

Thanks for your reply sapphira. I guess when it comes to the gamstop thing.. with myself I think it boiled down to if I do that then I confirm that gambling has beaten me and I won’t get my money back etc... I felt like I was admitting defeat for sure. I think what made me do it in the end was realising the only thing stopping me was leaving the door open for more losses really. When I framed it that way, I knew I had to shut that door for good. It wasn’t admitting defeat but rather taking control and stopping myself being dragged even further into despair. I closed the door and it felt good. Knowing I couldn’t undo it and it was over took a lot of turmoil away from my mind. I wish you all the best anyhow. Scott

Thanks Sarah, that means a lot as it’s good I can get something positive out of it if I can help others.