Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Duncs...

Like the analogy of a gun sat in the pocket.

Despite more than 5 months not gambling, my urges/weaknesses still ebb and flow violently. The last few days I've felt lethargic & aimless on the one-hand, but racked with anxiety and tension on the other. Gambling is one moment of madness away.

So, at times my gun is fully loaded - ready for action. Indeed, my finger's twitching on the trigger. At other times, when I'm more placid and relaxed, it's safely tucked away.

But one thing is for sure - I'll always carry that gun. I hope (indeed I expect) I'll never use it again, but it will always be there.

Keep up the good work buddy

D123

Duncan just wanted to thank you for your relentless support over the last 6 months. Your posts and advice are a credit to you and your family.

I am in a better place and my life is happier thanks to people like you.

G

Hey Duncs,

Thanks for being such a great role model for all of us on here. I inspire to reach your goals that you have obtained through hard work and dedication and be in the place of mind that your at today. You have set the bar very high, and that invigorates me to reach it. Thank you again.

Chicagoguy

Evening diary.

Just enjoyed the premier league darts finals, nice to enjoy a sport that i never had a relationship with through gambling, i watch darts with nothing but admiration. I play myself, Joe and i can play to a competitive standard and both enjoy on occasions battering the trebles lol. Does only rankle me in the fact that i wonder how much better i would be if instead of dedicating the hours to gambling i had given the time to darts. I certainly had the belly for it lol, post the new healthy living that is.

I did enjoy reading a few posts today, Tomso brings a great deal to the forum i hope it is serving him well, there is always something to learn here, each day i find myself more enriched by what i read, yesterday sad g put his heart into his post a post which saw him 6 months gamble free. I take from both these mentioned diaries that you take out what you put in. The polar opposite to all our gambling!!

could imagine the forum if that was the case, a load of financially wealthy folk sharing spending advice and holiday stories, anyhow back to the real world!!

good to have my feet on the ground, and just to say thanks to you all, my presence here and my strength i owe a debt of gratitude to you one and all.

Right off to do battle with a little brown whippet over who's getting the duvet tonight!!!! The answer Me!!!!

A well earnt sleep awaits. Because today i made a choice

No bet today.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Diary.

Today I woke up feeling good, so far I have shed a stone in weight, now weighing in at just over 15 stone and for a fella standing just over six foot I am starting to see myself looking healthier, still a way to go but slow and steady will win the race, We calculated that as a family we would on average eat two packets of biscuits a day and not the 200g packets ontop of a couple of chocolate bars each, to date not one biscuit has passed my lips in 5 weeks and only a couple of chocci bars, this ontop of cutting out a large chunk of fat we consumed and looking at how much pasta is enough has added to me feeling alot better, ok my knees are still agony and if I dont do my back excercises I search for the tramadol, but my life has improved.

Why today I write all this dribble, lol, well it shows me measure is, has and will continue to play a huge role in my life, there is no competition in our healthy eating, we as a family dont own a set of scales, I only know my weight loss through the fact that I have to weigh in every week at my doctors at present and have my blood pressure taken as I am at risk of a heart attack, with irony the diet has lifted both my blood pressure and my chlolesterol but that I know runs in the family as statins have been a part of mums life for 25yrs.

So healthy eating comes like abstinence without competition, as the long standing member of my Ga again says every time I speak to him, we are all in the same boat, our battle re commences at midnight.

today we make a decision, we have a common goal.

I reflect that before finding GA and this site I only ever made the wrong choice, an uneducated one, one that I truly believed and let addiction rule my life, many, countless times I promised myself and Sarah that after another walk of shame, another bout of pawning the wedding rings to get by, another phone call of lies to my mum, pleading someone had let me down, another set of false promises to the kids that our paths would be layed with gold any day soon, all resulting in me losing more of my own self regard and respect and again gambling to feed the dreams, pipe dreams built on lies.

Then gambling took it's final victory and took all it would ever take, because I found at first sanctuary, a port away from the storm, and through the seas of destruction calming I saw hope, there was another way,today I believe whole heartedly in that way, Abstinence brings my pulse racing, it is my driving force, it is enjoyable and exciting and humbling and most of all gives me a purpose.

I remember walking away from the bookies too mant times saying what have I done, only to run straight back there to feed my addiction, as today I know that gambling in my life has no purpose, it never did, i just refused to see it.

Today I bang a drum, one the I need to hear myself first, then I wish to share that beat with anyone who cares to, most of all I enjoy the beat from there drum too, we dont have to play the same rhythym it's bespoke, but some times to see another person tap there feet to it is enough, here I come to see you all at times dancing, that for me is enough.

To abstain and maintain.

My Name is duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today, no bet since 23/01/2012

Stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the well wishes Duncs.

Love the bit about the jigsaw. I can at least see most of the pieces on the table now. Just a case of finding a few to finish it off. 6 months ago they were scattered all over the place and I was walking round, nay staggering, aimlessly trying to find them under all the clutter. Well in the last 6 months I have tidied up and found a lot of them again thanks to the people on this site. They are there on the table. There are some important ones still missing but they are here somewhere I know so I don't worry. They'll turn up in time but it doesn't worry me one bit.

You and others have been the gambling equivalent of Aggie and Kim. I let you all in to my house and you've given me some amazing cleaning tips on how to abstain and improve and cleanse my life.

I cleaned my house, found those pieces and am happily enjoying the challenge of putting that puzzle together before my eyes.

You have a great weekend. Well done on shedding a stone.

G

Hi Duncs,

Just like so many others, today I am looking to send some gratitude your way for your consistent support. I would not recognize you if I saw you on the street but, feel that you and some others on this forum have really made a positive difference in my life. More so than so many people I see and know in my day to day life. Just by doing what you do. Just by writing what you write whether you are posting directly to me or not... Thanks Duncs!! -joanxx

Hi Duncs

Freaky- I want to mirror what Judy says. Your posts are always pertinent to what I'm feeling.

Recently, your "getting healthy" quest has spurred me to make changes 🙂

Thanks

Irene

x

Hey Duncs,

Have a great weekend, congrats on all your hard work in eating healthy. I really think it helps us gain more strength in our abstinence with gambling, empowering another aspect of our lives we can improve on. I join you in our quest to healthy eating and a gamble free life.

Chicagoguy

Another great post Dunc, I can totally relate to all you talked about regarding the 'walk if shame' and 'never again' feeling. Must have did those a thousand times. Never, ever want to get drawn back into living like that.

Laughed about your tramadol, they sure do the trick. Make me spaced out and itch something terrible but with a great smile on my face. I only take them from time to time now as a last resort and when I can afford to be a bit bombed out for a while.

Very pleased to hear about the lengths you're going to maintain your health and how your view on abstinence is aiding this. Losing a done in weight is a huge achievement. Try carrying that around with you now and you'd wonder how you ever managed it beforehand.

Really pleased things are going well for you and that your outlook is so positive. It's infectious and I'm sure it gives many people on this site a welcome boost, at least it does me.

Keep stepping forward and take care

Steve

I absolutely 'hate' being told what to do, dates back from being taught by manic nuns waving rulers about, but for once I did as I was told and 'Focused' and B*****r me if it didn't work and instead of wasting my money I now have a garden full of flowers, veggies, growmore, compost, bird seed and a big metal windmill.

So when I am eating my healthy salads in months to come I can think of my focus challenge from Duncs and enjoy.

Ditto with Lazarus on the tramadol though they send me loopy and itchy too so being sent to the pain clinic instead. Wish I could bicycle like you as well as I'm sure that is a big weight helper but did used to find it a nightmare working with food as so many yummy leftovers ( I don't mean on people's plates).

Hope the weekend is good for you and wishing you health and even more happiness if such a thing is possible.

xxx

Hi Dunc... yes, your well on the way to your ideal weight. I am 6 foot and fluctuate between 13 and 13.5 stone. I want to lose a bit of weight and be lean but from a casual obervers point of view I would be seen as an average Joe. Living on my own I simply can't have crisps or biscuits or chocolate lurking in my cupboards because I will eat the lot in an evening.. but I still eat half a loaf of bread and jam on a whim! lol

Anyway good to read your wisdom as always. Motivating stuff. Regards... S.A 🙂

Morning diary.

Thanks for all the amazing kind words folks, i am truly humbled.

So gutted to read that castle fell back into the clutches of addiction, but heartened by his resolve to get back on the road of abstinence, i hope he finds the support he deserves as he unconditionally offers it to so many others.

This morning I am going to pot the seedlings and hope they will make there way into the garden this week, the mix of rain and sun is doing wonders, never seen so many blackcurrent flowers/buds and the rocket seeds i planted have formed three wonderful rows, tomato plants have there first truss of flowers, oh and the apple tree, the one on my first week in recovery i took from its pot and planted in the middle of the lawn is in wonderful blossom and has become a hive of activity with the bees!!!

That tree has found solid soil, it has rooted and we will enjoy its fruit for many years to come, in a huge way how i see my recovery.

I have grown roots, have a foundation and now will enjoy a steady growth and through that bare fruit to enjoy.

Those urges and deep thoughts i had at the start of the week were dealt with, Sarah and i talked about them, and my Gamcare and ga family helped me through.

I don't want to bury them, like weeds they will grow back, i look to take them out at the root.

The twelve steps are doing that.

Today i better my tomorrow.

No bet today.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs

Just wanted to say thank you for your kind words on my diary and good to hear that you put some worrying gambling urges/thoughts firmly to bed!!

Take care and remain strong.

Feb.