Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Yesterday was the most emotionally upheaving day I have been through during recovery, our budgie 'harry' was his usual chirpy self when I left for work but he awoke Sarah with an almighty cry and she found him unable to stand,thinking he had broken his leg or wing she and the kids were deeply upset, Sarah made him comfortable and I sent her and lily with him to the vets, callum came to work still upset but bouyed by the fact that he was going to be looked after, sadly there was no break the issue was a neurological one, Sarah phoned in floods of tears and with the advice of the vet harry was laid to rest.

Bless callum broke down harry was thinking about it the first significant loss in his life, we got him for callums birthday six and a half years ago and he has been ever present since.

I felt truly helpless, I was stuck behind the stove, a truly busy day in prospect yet I wanted to take callum and help him find comfort with our family.

He had a good cry,I held it together and we got through the day, an even busier one than expected.

I requested Sarah bring harry home so I could say my own goodbye and lay him to rest in the garden.

I wrapped him in the crest of a pompey shirt with his favourite bell and left him at peace under a flower bed, Sarah popped out and picked up some flower bulbs, blue and white should appear in the summer months, the colour of our harry.

There were lots more tears,truthfully they run free now. I awoke a while ago and it is sad that the little fella wasn't the first thing I got to hear, bless him he chirruped away from dawn till dusk often he spoke and I would sit and enjoy him mimicking the sounds I made, I will miss him dearly and won't forget the joy he has gifted us.

Silly to get emotional over a bird?

I remember having gambled to the point where I couldn't afford a box of seed and stealing one, I remember talking to him about how I had truly f****d things up and most of all I remember the smile he always brought to my face, because of his pure innocence in life, we had him since he was 8 weeks old and he will be truly missed.

My mum visited last week and thankfully had taken a picture.

Loss is harsh, a true reminder to me how fragile life is, I accept that I will face it and today make memories of happiness, ones not constantly overshadowed by the selfish actions of my feeding addiction.

To Harry, little fellow thanks for the joy you brought to our lives.

A true gift.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

So it's festival week, a week in history where I would have been useless to the world, I would have been interested in one thing, to find a few winners to grant myself the ability of more action because that's what I gambled to achieve, to stay active.

So yesterday I got to finish two hours early and have another date, two Tuesdays in a row I have been privileged to walk arm in arm with the most beautiful woman in the world.

We dined in a nice little hotel, the highlight simply the company.

I have to think about next weeks date because I know that Sarah will suffer today, lol I plied her with two glass of wine and an after dinner baileys! !

Drinking on a school night!

Yesterday morning I gave the rear garden it's annual jet wash,I found the paving under all the mud! So we plan on a new bench this year and I am going to plant more stuff to enjoy.

This warm spell has done wonders for my mind, I don't want to miss any opportunity to spend time in it.

Got a lunch time start today, going to enjoy a good long stroll with the hounds first.

Walk off last night's Guinness lol.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary

​another lunch time start for me today, I am on the bus as our lily is helping out this evening and we will drive home. I was up with the larks this morning, we are having a new bed delivered today a reward of hard graft and not f*****g all our efforts into a machine so I can watch my dreams spin away on a wheel. I don't purchase a daily paper any more, so the ongoing festival is simply that ongoing. The truth is there is racing 364 days a year and if I let addiction ride back into my life I would re live the destruction. I face facts I am a compulsive gambler I cannot win because I cannot stop.I am aware that I can do productive things when I am not feeding addiction this morning I have cleared the kitchen cupboards.lol I said goodbye to the green food colouring that went out of date in 2009 amongst other S***e! Right here is my stop

abstain and maintain

duncs stepping forward never back

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Your positivity shines through as always dear Duncs, and appreciated.

Abstain and maintain its the only way forwards :))

Suzanne xxx

Evening diary.

Well things went south today, well it started yesterday, our bed failed to arrive and this morning I couldn't see the good in anything, first the kids and Sarah get up in time to sort themselves out and leave, leaving a trail behind themselves, no thought for the last one out,that's me.

The truth is its always me I am the one who willingly cleans up before I leave.

Then I jump on my trusted old bike and 100 yards down the road the crank literally snapped in half leaving me to walk three miles to catch a bus.

All the time addiction rode roughshod over my mind.

Why?

Gold cup day

Addiction could have found a million reasons for me to throw my toys out of the pram and go running.

Did I?

Did I f**k

I made it to work in time to start service

This afternoon me and callum went and picked up our joes birthday present, a beautiful sporting coat,proper Harris tweed and a shirt to accompany it.

f**k addiction, I have the edge, I can see your game.

Gambling and the opportunity to do so will for the rest of my life be ever present.

I accept that fact.

I choose to educate myself, I understand the outcome.

I will lose, do my bol#lo#cks.

Turn my life upside down, I will raise the bar.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Duncs,

Kicking addiction's a*s I see. I raise my cup of joe sky high in your honor sir. joanxxx

Proud of you Duncs for raising that bar when necessary.

Keep strong and keep abstaining and maintaining,

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

Another busy weekend at work, we have been rewarded for our efforts, the owners want to add more kitchen staff in the form of an apprentice something that I think will be an opportunity for me to pass on the knowledge that was gifted to me.

On the home front, our bed didn't turn up for the second time so we cancelled the order through the bank and have ordered one elsewhere, it appears that the company we purchased from have a reputation for not living up to what they pledge on their website and through my own ignorance I didn't think to read the many damming reviews, maybe that old saying is spot on

"If something looks too good to be true then it most probably is"

On a brighter note, one that brought balance we had a fantastic evening last night, our eldest Joe turned 22 yesterday and we had a few beers and a burger up the hill lol our favourite restaurant, the one with the amazing view over pompey. Joe liked his jacket and it is a decent fit.

Work again today, I will be planning for the week ahead, it's going to be another busy one with the two bank holidays either side of the weekend and the bookings diary already looking pretty full.

I am back in the sun mentally so to speak, addiction took it badly that I didn't use the excuse of the festival to grant it's wish that I feed it.its gone off to it's corner no doubt to re group and work on some newfangled plan to convince my re educated mind that gambling is acceptable in my life.

Well as a wiser fella than I wrote

Gambling is a waste of time.

Enough said.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning diary.

I have given some thought to the internal going's on around the forum, the GA debate and the 3% statistic.

I could rewind my diary and find myself on both sides of the fence.

I left the forum in September 2013 because I believed that a fella was trying to insight gambling, that because he was openly trying to control gambling that he was wrong, I threw my toys out and the bath water to boot, joined the mob mentality and tried to run him out of town.

What happened?

I left and within a month I had gambled.

Did captain46 cause the last episode of gambling in my life, absolutely not, I had stopped gambling followed the rules laid out in the ga room and inwardly believed that I was cured,along outwardly did all the folk around me.

I had concentrated on nothing but not placing that next punt, I believe that I was in recovery but in no way recovering.

The last episode of gambling truly broke the bond I had with addiction, it felt like after all the years of dedication I had given, it was standing there laughing, threatening to take all I had.

I saw the destruction for the first time.

I thought that I was fixed, I had gone 18 months without the ability to gamble and truthfully at the first opportunity I was straight back at it.

For me it was devastating, for my family it was worse.

Today I respect that last punt, because that's the day I believe that I saw the choice I faced.

Accept gambling or dig deep and find out the nuts and bolts of why I readily, wantantly fed addiction.

Today I have a much better outlook, today I accept that I am responsible for my own life, the actions of others are not mine to control or commentate on.

I have been to a few ga rooms around the country and accept that they are all different in their approach.

I could list some negative things I experienced of course, but I could list equally as many positive things that I have experienced in those rooms.

The bottom line is for me your recovery is your own, take what works for you and ditch the rest.

I have not been to a room for a good while, I do communicate with fellas I met in those rooms not out of anything other than we got on.

I equally have done the same here, met folk purely because of the common theme we find ourselves in and from it friendship has formed.

I am still humbled by the fact that I faced losing everything, I was literally one court hearing outcome from losing all I have today and folk didn't judge me for my shortcomings they simply offered support and advice in equal measure here and in the room.

That first day I walked into the GA room I was truly broken, I only took away one thing

That day there was two other new members and the chair for the night gave us a welcome and stated that only 3 out of 100 people who walked into the room abstained for a calendar year.

I believe that whether it true or not he was simply looking to take the competitor in us and use it for our gain

Because I know that deep down I can't stand losing.

Ironically I willingly did for twenty years.

Today I try to instill rational thinking, I try to be measured in what I say, because I know how it feels to think I always end up with the s#itt#y end of the stick.

I am no better than any other, I simply see myself as an island.

Today writing my thread gifts me unbelievable therapy, I feel enlightened by unloading my thoughts.

I do believe that to continue recovery I have to share with the world.

I feel free today, liberated from the devastating outcome of the life I cast whilst I gambled, I refuse to punish myself for the events of my past but in equal measure I seek to make amends for my actions.

I find myself saying again recovery is the one selfish act I will allow myself, because it is an act that benefits me,myself and I.

Yes from it I can see the profoundly positive outcome it has upon others, but it is down to me to live within recoveries walls.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning diary.

Thanks for popping by half life I really am saddened to see the forum at loggerheads with itself, because the dark side of my thinking absolutely relishes the negative things in life, it tries in vain to manipulate and mould my thinking back to the oh well f**k it mentality it wandered through life with for so many years.

I have today created a situation in my life where I am for the first time able to object to any request if it is something that I wish not to participate in, for a huge number of years I created through my shortcomings a situation where I would have to simply comply because I left myself no place to go, no room to negotiate.

This brings a different value, I can see how easy it would be to abuse, how foolishly I could turn situations into 'life' gambles, make rash decisions through my new found mindset.

Every day I try to learn something new, I am like a sponge, I want to soak up as much as possible, knowledge is powerful, it compels my brain to want more.

I have stopped questioning the unanswerable, I have stopped challenging the reason for everything, the second guessing the reading between the lines because I believe that all to often in life I have over thought a great deal of things and truthfully never found the answer in what I am actually looking for because it didn't exist.

I find it helps me to manage my own time to greater effect, I am still working 7 days a week but have created windows of time to live outside of work, on Tuesday my number two starts I will devote to him equally what he offers, I will gift opportunity through doing so.

Work changes today again, new management start I will offer my continued support and look forward to the continuous growth ofthe oopportunity we have, funnily the owners sat me down earlier in the week and gave me a speech about the strong person I am and could I be a bit more lenient, in true fashion I argued my corner and the outcome I believe is a greater understanding of each other.

I know that I still go gung ho, run when I could walk why?

Because I have twenty years of lost living I owe to myself to take back.

Right off to work, a stroll with my beloved hounds first.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well it appeared that the world around me all stopped working yesterday at lunchtime and all came to eat lol I was run off my feet.

So the cycle will repeat itself for the next four days, work will dominate my life, I will rise to the occasion, I will truthfully enjoy it.

On Monday my Ma is coming to collect Sarah and they are off for a weeks r and r, I will miss her dearly but it's great she can get away and to boot our lily is away for the week, so it will be a house full of boys, lol maybe I can move the dartboard into the front room!

Now there's a thought lol.

Right I have to get into gear.

Good Friday fish to prepare.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning diary

​well the sun shone yesterday I got through another very busy day,lots of good feedback and came home buoyed by my efforts.I am on a bus after spending an hours company with my beautiful wife I am travelling the wrong way lol,heading to a cookshop collect some new knives lol I have worn out the ones I have and they are slowing down production I know the hours detour will save me at least an hour,but I am again investing in my future.totally the polar opposite to the life I led,I totally understand that recovery has a starting point that is arresting that next punt but that is just the enabler,from that opportunity is born.I want to cease every opportunity for growth of my mind,from that I have a life where depression doesn't dominate because gambling enhanced the opportunity.I will forever respect recovery and addiction equally.abstain and maintain

duncs stepping forward never back.

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Morning diary.

I found you on the fifth page for that I am both happy and yet I feel tinged with a feeling of guilt, I am happy because I am still enjoying the benefits of living within a choice, guilty because you have walked every step with me.

I laid for the past half an hour inwardly debating whether to let you go.

Do I need to continue charting my journey?

The answer right now is no, but I want to keep charting my journey because for the addiction that lives within me hates every letter I type, it's like another nail hammered into it's coffin.

I have recovered from the excess workload the easter holiday brought, revenues were higher than expected and my body certainly knew it had put in all the effort it could.

Sarah is away at mum's for the week, she left on Tuesday and is back in a few days, not that I am counting lol,I truly miss her company, awaking to find nothing but two whippets in the bed for company is not quite the same and they have slowly stolen the bed as the week has gone by,I am currently teetering on the edge lol.

There is a new bed frame next to me ready for assembly, a brand new mattress arriving tomorrow, for the first time we have opted for a memory foam one, so by the time Sarah arrives home I fully expect there to be nothing but two silloettes of the hounds in it and I can see them offering Sarah their beds in exchange lol...

Work has seen the introduction of my number two, I have been kind to him so far, 7/8 hour days and today I have given him a rest day because I am investing in the future, I want him to learn everything before he is left to run the kitchen in my absence and I don't want to overload his mind for a chance to take time off sooner.

My time will come that is for sure.

Now I have been in my current job for just over seven months, the financial year comes to an end and I hadn't taken any accrued holiday through the inability to do so, I assumed that I would simply forfeit it and try to plan better for the next financial year to ensure the same thing doesn't occur. well to my surprise the owners have paid every hour accrued by way of a bonus, lol the tax man has taken a huge chunk but I am deeply humbled by the actions of my employers, f**k nothing of the sort has happened in my working life.

To boot they took myself and my kitchen team out for supper after service on Wednesday night and picked up the entire tab and throughout the night they gave us all great praise for our efforts.

I sat with one of the owners and over dinner explained how life is today and in equal measure how much respect I have for the addiction that lives within me. He shared some therapy of his own, his brother is a coccaine addict and I could feel the hurt it brings, that the action of one person effects the lives of many other folk.

Today I try to turn those actions into positive ones, ones that will have a profoundly positive outcome for everyone who is present.

I lay here truly content with life, from the opportunity recovery offers I can judge the decisions I have to make to have a greater outcome, for that I will be eternally grateful to have found you.

Addiction used to sidle up to me in Sarahs absence, it would try to convince me that I would benefit from the gifted opportunity.

Today it simply sulks in the doldrums of my mind, it has thrown the toys out and the bathwater to boot,leaving it potless as it did me.

I lived by a mantra

I cannot win because I cannot stop

I willingly gave and eventually wantantly lost.

I have a different tune to dance with today one with ceaseless opportunity.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Howdy Duncs,

Shoot, your a passionate man with regards to your job. Even though 90% of my working life had been self employed, I could never imagine losing acrued holiday time..

With the way your slowly bringing your new chap in to the fold and also the cool touches the owners do ie paying the ' bonus ' and taking the workers out, goes along way and gets the best out of people. I heard this line a few years ago, and I think it's so true -

Service - quality - money Vs Money - quality - service. The former wins hands down and the latter is a quick buck and won't get people far.....

Rabbiting irrelevant a little there. But I think you need to remind yourself that your new bed is sometimes better than the horrendous hours you put in. So use it ☺

Good luck Duncs

Morning diary.

Paul thanks for popping by, always a wise word written and most of all a smile raised.

I am wholly dedicated to my profession, it defines my every action, yes the hours are brutal, but the mental rewards are simply priceless, I am cooking the best food I ever have and am building a team who care equally about what we bring to the table.

So I got in after a long hard day and me and our boys went about building mine and Sarah's new bed,a lovely antique style frame which went up without stress in an hour, so I have awoken lonely but refreshed, still one sleep to go and Sarah is home, now that raises a huge smile!!!

So off to work shortly a busy lunch in the offing, my favourite day of the week and to boot I am going to enjoy some of the same when I get home later, I am going to start a roast for home and callum can finish work before I do and come home and finish it whilst I clean down, he is a very accomplished young cook,his work ethic is equally inspiring but truthfully i am glad he is taking a different career path, he can develop his cookery skills on a domestic level and enjoy a more balanced life with his love for physiotherapy.

Addiction tried to muscle in on my mind, the boys at work were discussing 'free' bets and it wanted to jump in, me I just stood in its path.

I understand the joy created by the act of gambling for the punter without addiction

Today I equally understand the joy created by the compulsive gambler not actively gambling.

I am granted the same opportunity to win

That feeling is priceless.

There is truthfully no odds that are worth staking against what I would stand to lose.

I turned that mantra upside down

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP.

abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.