Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

My old friend I used to wholly rely on you, I would have done everything in my power to uphold the mantras I found through recovery, the ga room, the tried and tested methods of long standing recovering addicts and made it my life's mission to try and sell them to everyone, why? Because I felt compelled to, I would beat myself mentally senseless as I watched another new author drop from the first few pages after an emotional introduction because addiction appeared to blind them from recovery.

Why?

Because black and white I was that person for twenty plus years.

Today I am just a fella living with addiction, I have arrested it's power.

Today I have my beautiful wife home, returned from her well earned break in the west country.

We will share our newly made bed.

Today I am blessed with a job I take huge forefillment from.

Today I have got to enjoy watching my beloved hounds run free.

Today I have been gifted with a new pair of top draw Adidas hamburgs.

Today our daughter flies home from a wonderful weeks holiday in Amsterdam and Berlin.

Today I enjoyed our son's company United in living.

Should I feel guilty, should I be denied these actions due to my past shortcomings?

I believe in the choice I made to forgo feeding addiction means I am entitled to enjoy what lays before me.

However you find recovery, my advice is enjoy the wonders it creates.

Recovery for me is a gift

One only us the addict has the ability to unwrap.

Tear the paper off,take what sits before you.

Today I am wholly astounded by the life I have.

My desire to share that grows, because I am worthy of it

So my dear friends are you.

I am equal, we all are.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

I am a self confessed man who is obsessed by numbers, for a great deal of years I believe that I wasted the ability to crunch them.

At work we have had an issue since the outset with the stock results, the figures simply didn't add up.

I questioned it over and over

Have had sleepless nights crunching figures, I began to question my own ability to manage stock.

Since the new manager has been in employment I have vigorously gone about learning how the system works.

I have uncovered a flaw,ghost dockets appear, the staff processing orders have the ability to error correct, these corrections don't get filtered to the kitchen, I have been looking for a £6 per day shortfall, yesterday I found on a relatively quiet day a £24 shortfall, this senerio repeats,it was like opening a big can of worms.

I prepared the information and have forwarded it to the owners.

Today I hope to be given the green light to rectify this flaw.

Today I believe I can use my own traits to the greater good.

I accept that human error is part of life, I believe that in my work place often the easiest option has been taken and because the system created a daily report that was taken as gospel.

Today I hope to free my mind from something that's tortured it for too long.

Today I hope that space is filled with new menu ideas.

Progress not perfection.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo Duncs.

The biggest thing for me in finding gamcare was that i wasn't alone in the madness of gambling addiction. Something else what has intrigued me is the amount of fellow obsessive number crunchers. Is there a connection?

I know for me numeracy was the first thing I had obsessional thoughts for as a child before I found all the bad S***e. Saying that now, iv'e found in the last few years, I rarely think about numbers as now I always get the wrong answer or a lot slower. Getting older I guess but still an interest!

I think they should let you loose on the Panama papers, but then again, I think you'll find to many flaws with them fooks.

A pint and burger still very much on my agenda. Portsmouth, very much on my agenda of places to visit. And if Pompey ever get there s***t together I could kill two birds with one stone and come and see them play the mighty Leeds. See, some of my delusion never ceases to amaze me ☺

Interesting your message to Volcano about Sarah's insight into you taking on insurmountable tasks. My gp told me a couple of years ago when I told her about my gambling that I had spent my life trying to be indestructable at home, in my work with seriously traumatised teenagers, coping with health issues etc etc and that I take on way too much and am not superhuman and the gambling was my mind telling me I needed to take a break and acknowledge that I cannot control everything in my life, one of the main ideas with GA I think, accepting things we cannot change. I still find this the hardest area to accept as I feel when I acknowledge this in one area of my life the rest comes tumbling down too but working on it still.

There you go DF & Sarah with Duncs as the conduit. You've inadvertent helped me join a dot. I've no need to be a hero......

Morning diary.

Lol Paul I don't think pompey will ever reach the dizzy heights of even the division above, truthfully I don't mind, the lower leagues befit the hardcore fans,unity has definitely be reborn and it's been a great to get to my beloved park and see it and again enjoy football for the 90 minutes it is.

I have been a busy boy at work, the owners have green lighted a full investigation into the holes in the current ordering system and ultimately a way to eradicate them resulting in us losing revenue.

I have handed over the information and await the outcome and will watch the system like a hawk over the next few days to see if change comes, my number two grows in strength and belief and last night I got to leave a couple of hours early to enjoy supper with my amazing family.

The only fly in the ointment has been I had to let one of the kitchen hands go,he after warning turned up again under the influence of the doob and in doing so sacked himself. I am gutted because I have spent a great deal of time talking with the lad,I even approached the owners regarding the possibility of offering the lad an apprenticeship.

Still I will learn, the old saying that you can lead a horse to water and all.

I can only change the things that I have the ability to do and hope that the other lads see it as a statement of intent.

So new menu in the planning, going to tweek the old one and spend a few days trying to find the dishes to give us the edge over the competition, two fold,we have to stand out but most of all I love to challenge our skillset, to raise the bar,it inspires living.

So the new bed is strange, I by all accounts sleep like a baby in it,but wake up feeling like I have had no rest !

Still I won't judge it truly until the next few weeks when I actually take full days rest from work because I do know that I am approaching three months without a rest day again and am beginning to really need some quality down time.

Right hounds to walk then work calls.

Sarah has painted our bedroom and the kitchen is on her agenda today and yesterday we bagged a lovely old wardrobe for a song.

All results of the choice to remain in recovery, it is the provider of ceaseless opportunity.

I plan to take them all.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

When Sarah has finished the bedroom and kitchen, can you send her my way as she has the momentum.

Thanks for your post Duncs. My f*g b**t misdemeanour, has been the b**t 😉 of all my jokes with family friends, so I tell them all we should split it, but no takers.

Your so right about the can't take a horse to water and thats from a doober in recovery

As for your bed, my place consists of a new bed and sofa. I love my bed and have realised I never really needed the sofa. When I moved, my friend asked whether I needed any help, I told him that there was no need to give me a hand with my back pack! Anything more, I get worried 😉

Have a goodie Duncs .. and keep doing the right stuff.

Another person on the road to Regret Nuffin

A story.

I grew up in the house of a compulsive gambler,one that got his way through a constant underlying tone of violence, a man that lived in a secretive world one he let us all into one day a year, grand national day, he would collect our pound each way bets stating that it would be the day he wouldn't bet. Why?

Because in the words of my father the national is a lottery, a race for the foolhardy, the romantics there's no form and no point in the race for the serious gambler.

that's a mantra i lived with all my gambling life, it was beat into me, funnily I remember his anger if we picked the winner, because it belittled his profession,it equally meant we would feel his rathe and never see our winnings.

I hated the national for it, I grew up without the lottery, the big offer winnings available to the chance gambler,the national was it.

Tomorrow I will dissappear for the duration of the race, let the innocent gamblers have their fun.

It's not the race that is the issue it's the danger it poses to the compulsive gambler.

For me it's ok I have addressed my shortcomings in life, tomorrow I will spare a thought for my father, a man I have not seen or spoken to for more than twenty years, because I know his problem in life has never been addressed.

Every day gambling presents itself in one form or another, addiction tries in vain to capitalise on that fact.

I know the consequences of listening to it's hollow promise of a better life.

I emplord you all to do the same.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Good morning Duncan.

I had a little wry smile from your post above when you said "it
would be the day he wouldnt bet".

Same.

How dare those people enter my world? Dont they know i am playing the Fobt. Dont they know I am in the zone? Dont they know i am going to win the jackpot next spin? Dont they know i am a cg?.

In they come with a ВЈ ew to win a couple of measly quid.

Did i admire them? Not then but now - a different story. They have control and enjoy a trip to the bookies once a year.

Me - i was knocking on the door waiting for the dam place to open in desparation and hoping that today was going to be that day i would win.

How wrong was I

I note your beloved Pompey are in the mix this season. Alas Luton just havent got going.

I wish you well

afternoon diary

just sat enjoying the sun at top of the garden at work.it's a bit frenzied at the bar,an invite to join the sweepstake politely declined.I certainly don't want to dampen anyone's enjoyment,each to their own.for me I have the winning recipe,one befitting my life choice

abstain and maintain

duncs stepping forward never back.​

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Evening diary.

Had a busy couple of quite stressful days and I have a full on head cold to contend with, I feel like I am drowning from the inside!

So the new manager has been in their position for three weeks and to be truthful it's been tough, there's been a fare bit of stuff going on and wasn't probably the best time to start, financially the owners took a hit of sorts over the holiday accruals and the previous management left a bit of a mess, the new living wage came into play and has had a very negative effect on the younger staff as they got nowt by way of a pay rise and all in all it warranted someone to come in and steady the ship.

What has occurred is massive waves of discontent have been created, the new manager has a simple outlook.

Put up or push off.

It's colder than the inside of my chiller and the old work to rule has been put into action by many of the staff.

A month ago I guess 95% of the staff loved work,went the extra mile without question and today they are all by and large just going through the motions.

I find it difficult to keep my tongue, I equally don't look to take sides,I have decided that myself and my team go largely uneffected and I will just see how things play out.

Funnily I was shown an app for my phone for ten minutes which would work out selling costs and gross profit margins, to which I smiled and played along. then I took a piece of paper and said 'right you give me a food cost price and you do it on your app,I will use my brain. The result I had the answer first, because for twenty years I have made it my business. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and all! !!'

I look at the behaviour displayed and think wow I used to be just like that, like a f*****g bull in a China shop,I would ride roughshod over anyone or anything in my way, I wore a scowl, I was always right........

Well except I was often wrong, if I had stopped to think, embrace, encourage then I wouldn't have wasted many years alone in a busy wilderness.

I believe today I understand the value of thinking before speaking, thinking of the effects of my actions and most of all acceptance that I am only as good as the team I work alongside.

I have a days rest tomorrow, the first in a good two months.

I plan to use it wisely.

I have faith in my team, my number two needs unleashing.

If the situation continues to manifest itself front of house I will try to mediate a healthy resolution.

This possible because I live by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well I had a days rest,got to enjoy the company of my family at one point or another throughout the day and to walk with my beloved hounds was nice not to be constrained by a schedule.

My head cold now sits upon my chest, I sound like an old tractor this morning! ! Still nothing I can't work through, I will load up on vitamin rich food and work it out my system.

I am working the early shift today, some beautiful whole pork loins being delivered, a project for the new menu

A menu I am truly looking forward to implementing.

Rights hounds to walk, lungs to hawk up lol

Then a date with a b****g knife lol.

Addiction sulks at my zest for life, the tables are without doubt turned.

No longer is it dishing out. ......

I will do everything in my power to ensure it remains that way

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Evening diary.

Well the colds gone, I am feeling the benefits of a few days at half pace,today my cooking without doubt saw the huge benefit of doing so.

The weekend ahead is busy but I believe that for the first time since I started this job I have the right staff in place to maintain standards and enjoy my job for what it should be.

That is the provider of a better quality of life.

I will continue to enjoy the rewards I have bestowed upon myself through the investment of the time and effort I have given.

Next week I will enjoy two full days rest!

And five days hard graft in equalibrium.

Long may it continue.

One thing is for sure, addiction sits in the corner sulking at the position I have created for myself, it looks downtrodden, beaten, dishevelled.

How the tables have turned!

Recovery is an unbelievable provider of opportunity.

I am all in.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well the hounds have had a run,I have enjoyed my beloved wife's company for a couple of hours, enjoyed a hearty breakfast of sausages and scrambled eggs now off to work with the deepest feeling of what a truly lucky fella I am.

I read a lot about folk like me over rating the normal things, about how those ordinary things are just given.

For me I took nothing at face value, I analysed everything twice, and when I saw what I didn't want to I threw the toys, pram,bathwater and everything else in my wake out and ran off to spend time with my only true friend. ......

The next punt,the next consuming episode of escapism.

f**k I even fabricated situations to enable the toy chucking.

The truth is that punt was never my best friend, yes it deflected pain,stress and the truth

But deflected is the right word, because the sh##it never disapated,in fact through gambling I just had the ability to create more important crisis.

Today I reflect on the same, I accept that I am different, I don't court it I try to work through the days dark and light with equal vigour.

From it I am humbled at the results and equally inspired.

Normal,lol I am far from it!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncs, thanks for your post on my diary. I agree with much of what you said, especially about our kids finding their vocation and not giving in. Way back in the day my husband flunked his exams and ended up dropping out of uni. He got a job to pay the bills but in his spare time he taught himself computer coding....something that he enjoyed and was interested in. This lead to a career in computing, which he still does today. I'm a great believer that there's always a way back from "failure"....as long as you learn some lessons from it and work out how things can be changed. There's far too great an emphasis on exam results today and the pressure on the children is enormous and unhealthy. I tell my daughter that we want her to do her best and I really do mean that. She doesn't have to prove herself by getting As, but equally if she's capable of B's then why settle for a C? Finding the balance isn't always easy...I don't want her to be stressed and unhappy but equally there are times that she needs to put her phone down and pick up a book!!

I love to hear about the success of your children. Sounds like Lily had a tough time, but she's used that and has turned it around in her drive to succeed. Much like your good self in recovery? Without doubt my children are a source of great joy and pride. They are also the area of my life that gives me the most anxiety and worry. My son has autism and with that diagnosis comes many concerns and worries. Since the day he was diagnosed I began to worry about his future, and although those worries have changed over the years they are still the thing that keeps me awake some nights. My daughter is at the age where she's starting to break the bonds with me and is growing into a beautiful independent young lady.It's all a natural part of life but at times it's difficult as a parent to let go. She wants to make her own decisions and we have to let her, but there's a balance to be had and treading that fine line can be tricky at times.The house is full of hormones (hers as well as mine) and at times I question my abilities as a mum. But the reality is I'm doing the best I can and my heart is full of love for both of them. Even if I make a mistake here or there the world doesn't end and they both seem fairly well adjusted and happy...which ultimately is all we want for them. That's so clear from what you've shared about your children. Happy, healthy and enjoying their vocation in life. Actually, that sounds a lot like you in recovery too 🙂

Thanks again. Have a good day. LB x