Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Duncs, my dear friend,

So good to see you posting & even better to see the progress you have made.
Only just recently i realised the importance of life. Physical pain - yes...grabbing parts of your back with confused reason only couse it hurts made me think..
Mental pain - yes...what would loved ones feel if we had to go? What about them?

Maye not much sense..i just wanted to share my living life with you....life in recovery where understanding of our choices is in the forefront.

Merry Xmas Duncs..all the best for the future, you will get there ☺

S x

Morning diary.

So today I woke up in a new year, I had a lovely close to the last, supper with my beloved wife and an evening enjoying her company, our kids, well no longer kids went out to party which left us with just our beloved hounds and the last harry potter film to watch, we were in bed before the chimes and boy did pompey go out of one year with a bang, I think it was the loudest I can remember. We are truly fortunate that neither hovis or Mr blue are at all distressed by noise and in true whippet fashion they slept right through.

I don't have any resolutions made but we do have a couple of goals set out for the year ahead.

I think forward planning is one of the greatest gifts I have taken from recovery, to be able to see beyond the next punt, to be able to see what endeavour and hard effort will reward is for me inspiring.

My relationship with money is still quite jaundiced, I truthfully don't care much for it and without doubt don't live my life obsessed by the lure of it. I see it purely as the means to function and not the measure on which I judge myself.

I read many threads here that resonate greatly with my own attitude regarding what addiction lead me to believe was ultimately the reason for the eternal cycle of gambling, that financial gain or the gambling to recover debt was the driving force.

Debt came because I am a compulsive gambler,whilst active I live by a mantra

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

I could win a jackpot upon the first spin or not at all because the result would be parallel, I would gamble until my available funds exhausted and follow that with the walk of shame, my mind filled with empty promises to never gamble again.

I wouldn't have had debt if I didn't feed addiction, equally I would not have committed the heinous acts upon those I professed to hold dearest if I hadn't fed addiction.

I lied,stole,cheated folk and lost the will to live through my relationship with addiction.

I am responsible for that, I alone have accepted the results of my actions, 5 years ago this month I set out to commit suicide, why??

Truthfully because I had ran out of ways to feed addiction, I had committed everything I had to feed the inner desire and in true fashion I ran, I ran away from a great deal for 36 years, I equally hurt a group of loving innocent folk and couldn't see past addiction to seek a way to fix any of the problems I brought.

Today I accept what I did,I take some priceless lessons from the carnage.

Today I forgave myself and know that I have a better outlook through the actions I take.

I am the luckiest man alive because I still have the family I willingly tried to destroy by my side, our love today unconditional, growing and we live in a fashion that befits the effort we give to living.

Yes life is hard at times, other folks actions beyond our control define the path ahead, but without willingly destructing through feeding addiction we have found we are left with better choices as an outcome.

I am truly humbled by the every day acts of human nature.

None more than the actions of that fella five years ago this month, who unknowingly broke me upon that clifftop, leaving me the opportunity to rebuild the life that lay in pieces around me.

It was selfless and will inspire me eternally.

I salute you, I am endebted and will forever try to repay the act through choosing life.

I wish each and every one of you a year ahead of good health physically and mentally.

Life without actively feeding addiction is one worth living

I have a choice

Just for today I will take the opportunity to live without self created destruction

My name is Duncan mcquilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler

No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Great post duncs
And happy new year to you and your's.

Deano

Hey duncmeister,

It makes me happy to read your post. In all honesty I haven't kept up to date cos I've been busy getting on with life. ......and your posts are so inspirational they put mine to shame lol. Happy new year to you and yours xxxx take care, Irene x

Hi Duncan,

I've been thinking about you this evening, your absence is deafening. Did you start the new job? I don't know if it's just the way I'm reading them, but your most recent posts seemed to have a different feel to them. Anyway, just wanted to check that you're ok and that work is as fulfilling as you were hoping.

Afternoon diary.

Twinklyr thanks for popping by I am sorry that you have found a different tone in reading my thread,maybe you are right maybe I wrote what I thought folk wanted to read rather than the black and white I did without consideration throughout my diaries life.

Well old friend it's five years to the day since I found that there is a life awaiting outside a life of active addiction ,a week later I wrote an introduction on the new members section sat in the local library, I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I didn't even have an email address, I was broken, I had been through an emotional roller coaster of a week before I found this forum, I had gone from seeking funds gained by any means to gamble my way out of the massive hole I had self dug to the realisation that the vail of lies I had told were all uncovered and in true fashion kept running, I took my bike and an empty rucksack and over twenty two hours I cycled to beachy head to in my mind gift my family my life, the only way I could see the pain leave, I rode there because I wanted to distance the pain, not leave a memorable place locally to haunt my family. truthfully I was out of my mind I was so deeply ashamed of what I had done, I couldn't see fit to face anyone.

There in the moment I felt calm,I felt like I was getting closure, except that a fella sat on a bench, I willed him to leave, I didn't wantwwitnesses to the act,I today am so grateful for the words he uttered 'have you a light' I am sure he asked and went on to say a few more words, those words rendered me immobile, I sat and broke, I had got it all so wrong, I had to tell Sarah the truth, I had to try and right all the wrongs, I don't remember much of the ride home, I do know I rode from bognor to home on a puncture, through the back roads of the old a27, I must have looked a wonder to the world but I had a will to out the truth.

I accepted in my mind that my actions would have a great cost, I expected Sarah and our children to walk away and try and regaina llife from the carnage I had brought, I expected to be evicted from our family home.

I am today truly humbled by the actions of many folk, none more than my beloved wife, she was there to give her unconditional love and support as were our children, but what resonates most in my mind is the fact that they wanted nothing in return, they just wanted to give what they had.

It's been a long road, one with many twists and turns and a foolish act of feeding addiction in the middle, one which gifted a lesson I have taken the most from.

I am a compulsive gambler,I will be for the rest of my days, it's my choice whether to put the word active or recovering before my title.

Today I understand the value of each,I am not blinkered by the words addiction whispers in my ears,I often hear them as addiction is bound deep within my mind but the difference today is non addiction stands there to.

I have a very different outlook upon life today and what it means to me, I was a very angry man for the best part of twenty years, truthfully I still was for the first 18 months of the five year journey I write about.

I thought the world owed me something, I felt hard done by, I believed that the actions of others defined my bad luck.

Today I don't founder anything upon luck, yes there's trials and tribulations, yes things turn life upside down at times but I have learnt to view a bigger picture,that planning and re planning where necessary works for me,not sticking 'I bet' before every sentence.

As for work the retail job didn't materialise, another job did and it's a means to gift life.

Financially I will never be the richest of men,but today I embrace all I have with the great pleasure.

I haven't been reading the forum much, I sometimes struggle to see past the competition it appears to be falsely turned into.

I accept that I viewed my abstinence that way myself for a time, today I accept that it value is what I take from it.

This year we have set ourselves some goals, things that will inspire us to aspire to them.

I accept my flaws and traits and in equal measure my strengths and passions and vow to use them to the best of my ability.

Reading these ramblings back they read like a goodbye speech,maybe they are but in the sense of a goodbye to addiction.

My advice is simple if you are seeking a life outside that of active addiction.

Peel every layer back, put yourself out there, be honest with everyone about your addiction, don't leave it anywhere for you to hide it,it will be the hardest thing you will ever do but the rewards are ceaseless.

I guess I wore addiction like a badge when I first came here, I falsely used it as an excuse for some of my failings when in truth addiction was a mask I used to hide them. without addiction I have been granted the opportunity to get comfortable with the person I really am and who more importantly I desire to be.

The opportunity awaits, the doors revolve, please find the best side.

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Dear Duncan,

That was a very moving diary entry. Whist many think they have, you really have been at rock bottom and I am so genuinely pleased that you have turned your life so around these past 5 years and really hope you and your family continues to benefit.

Have not posted on your diary for a while but have often checked in and was always pleased to see when things were going well. I hope your back is as comfortable as it can be and that the new position is rewarding. There is nothing more noble than a job which can gift life - I should know still being stuck in the most soulless of industries.

I wish you the very best,

Mark

Lovely post as always Duncs. You sound so much at peace with life at the minute which is surely a far cry from how you felt over 5 years ago.

That guy on the beach, he asked for a light. For you it probably triggered in your head 'light at the end of the tunnel' whereas on your journey there you obviously could see nothing but darkness. I mention this as I don't believe in coincidence, that fella was there to help you. Maybe he didn't even know it but by asking you that question he very likely saved your life and your family the ensuing pain.

I joined the forum a week or 2 after you 5 years ago and our paths crossed at that initial stage, I'll never forget your 'gambling goggles' saying from that time.

You are a good example to new comers on what can be achieved in recovery. It's not just about abstaining from a bet (initially it is of course though) it's about becoming a better person, someone we can look at in the mirror and smile at.

Keep stepping forward and never back Duncs

All the best

I hope it's not a goodbye, I don't comment on your thread usually as there is nothing I can say to help you because you've already got it worked out, but I do read your comments avidly. I think we all want the inner peace that you have, that non-combative wisdom, but very few of us are there yet. Congratulations on 5 years, on seeing off the futile existence of an active gambler and turning it into a rich life that you cherish. Thanks for the update and the reminder of your journey Duncan.

Rachel

I'm relatively new here but couldn't pass by without saying ...

Thank you for sharing..... you cannot imagine how helpful, hopeful and inspirational your story is to others.

M x

Hey Duncs! Steaming cup of joe held up. Way, way up!! -joanxx

Evening diary.

Hello my trusted friend, you have and will always be my security blanket, my place of solitude, the place I have learnt to freely release my inner thoughts without you judging them,I will be eternally grateful for your presence in my life.

So I find myself further enjoying life, a life where addiction doesn't rule my every thought, a life which I am not confined to the outcome of my commitment to feeding the urge to seek the next punt,a life knowing that the outcome of feeding addiction will have long lasting financial and emotional effects in an all to negative fashion, yet one I willingly fed before anything else for twenty years and more.

I posed myself a question this morning sat on the train to work, Am I cured??

The answer is simply no, addiction is deeply rooted within my soul, my mind,it founded the outcome of the life I have today.

I am 42 years young and in the past month through my new job I have for the first time contributed to a pension scheme, I am living not just to survive today but I am looking forward to a long term future,yes one due to my own actions will see me working long into my life, I equally have sought a life insurance policy, to look out for those I hold dear in the event that I don't make old bones.

Addiction hates these actions, it came to the forefront of my mind, bleated some sh#it about the fact that I need it's buzz,that I am a shadow of my former self, that I should treat myself.

f**k off my reply, because I treat myself and through my actions those folk I hold dear every day that I seek to remain in recovery.

Recovery is the most important thing in my life, without it I know that the road leads to hell in a handcart.

I have adjusted the things in my life that caused my inner thoughts to be led up the garden path by addiction, something which I to easily took as the only option. The gamblers life became such an ingrained way of living that being constantly in deep financial distress and emotional turmoil because of my actions became normal. I couldn't see past the next punt,I saw gambling as the resolution of every event,a circle which simply ever decreased, because of those actions I condemned myself to a gruelling work schedule to fund the loss and equally a life of robbing peter to pay paul.

Every sentence started with 'I bet'

Today I don't gamble on the outcome of anything.

The results of this.

I communicate with the folk I hold dear,I have enough money through my income to enjoy a moderate standard of living, what I see as a constant joy,

Most of all I have today the ability to dream and see those desires played out for real.

Last weekend Sarah and I packed a bag went to Salisbury for the night and I didn't have to fret about expenditure, more over addiction didn't inhabit spending because it wasn't getting it's feed.

We have a week away, just us and the hounds in Cornwall in june,again a reward for choosing recovery.

Is this normality?? Truthfully nothings normal, I am and fully accept the fact that I am not normal and with it I get a heightened sense of joy out of achieving what many folk see as menial things.

For that I am truly thankful for the opportunity to do so.

So our family grows strong, our lily finishes her teaching degree this year and has scored her first nqt role to start in July, lol the rat race beckons, Joe seems to be enjoying life, his work /life balance is good and thankfully his mental health is brighter for his efforts. callum finishes his btec this year and has bagged an additional course without cost to follow as a reward for his own efforts and Sarah has been really enjoying her work without the constant worry of what may await her upon her return each day, no more constantly worrying about what fresh dilemma she may face.

Me I am working hard,but tops 37 hrs a week, I work sort of flexible hours which suit,my back still gives me concerns, some days are a struggle, but with the exercises my physio gave me I know that I can get through to enjoy more pain free days than ones in pain and I haven't been reliant on medication to see myself function for a couple of months now.

With regards to my accident my previous employer gave a statement to my barrister stating that I didn't have an accident at work and denied it happened at all. something I have taken great pleasure in providing statements to prove otherwise from many different folk, so it looks as if it will end up in court at some point in the future. I am indifferent about the actions of my previous employers, I refuse to let their choice of actions cloud my own mind. I simply will continue to be honest,laughingly something which today comes with ease,because I know how I bent the truth and broke it for my own gain for a great deal of years. The outcome will be what it is, something I am willing to accept.

Life today is simply a bigger picture, I won't dwell on the past, just learn from it.

I still read the forum often, great to see so many folk embrace the gift of recovery, it comes to those who accept it's power in my mind, equally it comes in many different forms.

It's outcome is often humbling and without doubt profound.

I am proud to have been given the opportunity.

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler.

No bet today.

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Good morning diary.
So a rest day today,one of which my body clock awoke me at half past four, this being the time I get up for work, well I get up an hour before I leave for work to enjoy a walk with my beloved hounds, something at first they seemed wholly against in fact they seemed delighted every morning at the prospect of my departure from bed allowed them to quickly fill it to enjoy the warmth.
We have a routine now, routine is healthy for my mindset,without it I feel anxious and unarmed.
So this morning I have taken the opportunity to catch up on many diaries which leave me inspired to get busy living.
Today I will enjoy watching my local football team play just down the road from where we live, hopefully in the company of our eldest son who I relish spending time with, his own mental health is in a good place at present, something I know will see him through darker days. Sarah has enjoyed a week off from school, she does truly grow more beautiful every day and we have enjoyed each others company all week in the evenings without her doing two hours homework every day. Tonight we will enjoy the last episode of taboo, another fabulous BBC drama, something that goes a little way to me feeling less robbed for the TV licence lol.
The only other thing on the agenda today is to research into the prospect of changing energy suppliers, it appears that we are having our trousers somewhat pulled down, a feeling I don't enjoy!!
Oh and it's Saturday so at half past seven the hounds meet their friends over the field for a catch up, well there's not much chance of anything catching up when they get running.
Whippets really do fly.
I hope you all find inner peace.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary. I am on the train to work, sat amongst the suits in my battered safety boots and worn out face,outside I may look different as the rest of my fellow travellers who tap away frantically at their laptops but inside I feel something addiction always stole from me,I feel as if I belong, I have purpose. My face looks weary because yesterday was the first mothering Sunday I had free from the toils of a professional kitchen in my working life, so I took full advantage and we enjoyed the company of a BBQ and a few cold ones. Sarah was glowing,she is a truly amazing person,someone who taught me the value of true love and humility. I was given an opportunity to share that and with it find in life what I truly desire. Gambling addiction stomped all over that,I let it rule my every thought,all my desires were suffocated by it's power to blind my vision.I used to write a lot about the 'gambling goggles' all compulsive gamblers fashion they distort reality, blind us from seeing what we actually have.
Today I am truly humbled to have been given the opportunity to live and my goggles are broken, I can see and I love what I have before me.
My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
Stepping forward never back

Morning Duncs 🙂

Now that's the way to welcome in British Summer Time!!!