Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Always pleased to see you thriving in recovery and living life to the full. I hope you and the family stay happy.

Mark

Brilliant way to start a Monday morning Duncs! Attitude and gratitude in abundance.

All the best

Dear Duncan,

I was thinking about you and the amazing journey you have made these past five or so years. It is more and more normal to see your diary on page 6 or 7 of the recovery diaries these days which used to be unheard of. You seem to be making that transition - "flying" as you put it before. You remain the go-to guy when I Iook for inspiration in recovery and owe you much gratitute for the support, often squandered, you have provided over the years. Finally feel like I cracked it now but only time will tell. Long you may your recovery continue and the very best of wishes to you and family this Easter and beyond.

Mark

Duncan,

It took me a while to find your diary and just wanted to say congrats to your beloved Pompey.

Us Hatters are in the play offs so may the best side win.

Hope all is well in your world and your presence on the forum is greatly missed.

Best wishes

Ohhh had Dunc left?
Ive missed and wanted to share my success of reaching 247 days.

Mba

Hey stranger, just thinking about how greatful I am that you were here when I was lost & thought I'd drop by.

I'm hoping you are safe & well & that one day I get to carry through on my threat to treat you & your loved ones up overlooking that world that you hold so dear.

I have often thought about Duncs and really hope he his alright. I got the impression he was preparing to fly the forum nest but the sudden disappearence is always going to cause niggling worries. Hopefully fully engaging in a rewarding gamble free existence. Duncs never did strike me as the type for big goodbyes. Hopefully he will prove me wrong like countless times before.

afternoon diary.it's been a while and I have to say that this won't come as comfortable reading. I gambled on Friday, I gambled everything I had and in truth the reason was the pursuit of self destruction. why? because six weeks ago my wife found out a secret I have kept for twenty one years,a secret that has haunted my life that entire time.twenty one years ago I had a very brief meaningless encounter with a woman ten or more years older than myself which resulted in a child being born.a child which as harsh as it is meant nothing to me, the act committed wasn't out of love in truth it was formed from a £25 loan that I had taken a year before and not repaid,in drunken state my debt repaid. from that event I couldn't bare the truth because I believed it would destroy the relationship I had with Sarah, so I hid it. truthfully if a letter hadn't been intercepted by Sarah I would still be hiding it. in the past six weeks we have gotten on with life on the outside world, inwardly I have had a growing depression and eventually I couldn't take any more.I disappeared Friday after I had gambled everything and rode for 28solid hours, punishing my body and desperately trying to undo the pain in my mind. I returned home on Saturday night and wrote a dozen page letter to Sarah which tells everything,a confession of every wrong I have committed and details of what to do to progress, I went out and posted that letter and Sarah will receive it tomorrow. I set about facing my children on Sunday morning and Sarah and told them how truly sorry I am for the hurt,lies and deceptive life and bid them a final farewell, leaving my phone and everything there, I even bagged up my clothes and left them at the front door, I walked from my house 17miles to the level crossing at fishbourne west sussex with the sole intention of stepping infront of the next oncoming train, I had made peace with myself and felt the calmest I have in a very long time. What happened?? yesterday was a day a maintenance between Portsmouth and Branham all trains replaced by buses, I stood dazed robbed of my intended destiny, I turned and walked back to Pompey, I cant say with what intention, I begged a pound from a passer by and phoned Sarah desperate to explain that I couldn't meet with the promise I had made earlier.I couldn't get through the phone box ate my money before I had got to speak.I walked along the hilltop and was met by a policeman, followed by two more,it became apparent that they had been desperately trying to locate me, after all I done Sarah had called them. I was met by our Joe,we sat and talked, I was very honest and I believed that the decision was being taken to have me sectioned under the mental health act. my mum had been contacted and agreed to collect me, I was taken to the police station and at some point was collected by my mum, our Joe brought hovis and Mr blue and we drove to Somerset, I had no sense of being but equally no immediate intention to take my life. the police let me into the care of my mum on the grounds that I see a gp,which I have done at 11am this morning,he is going to refer me to the crisis team who will I believe will contact today and take control, sectioning was I believe a probable option. I don't know what the future holds, I accept that the only love of my life won't be aside to share it intimately,we spoke this morning and I told her that one day I hope we can be friends because for twenty six years she has been my best friend,one a am shamed greatly in keeping such a damming secret from, I want to seek help to understand what depression does, I want to address my addiction to gambling something truthfully I have not truly done. I was told upon my first GA meeting that to recover truly from addiction you have to turn every stone,me I selfishly kept one unturned,one I knew would have a devastating outcome. I am sorry for the deceit on have used to fool the world that everything was rosy in my garden, my warped intention to not bring hurt, when it was solely myself that I was trying to stop hurting. I have a long road ahead,one only I can tred. I reverted back to addictions call with such ease, I used it to escape from life,a life of lies and deceit. I will leave this for now, it's causing my emotions to rise greatly. my advice to anyone don't hide a single thing the day you face your addiction, because most likely it will haunt you. I have been dishonest and deceitful because of a choice, one I will long regret. To Sarah I am sorry ,truly sorry, I fully accept the outcome of my actions, I hope in time our friendship can recover.regards Duncs. compulsive gambler.

Sorry to hear youre in so much pain Duncs. Life & recovery is difficult for a lot of us, but please know you are not alone. If you would like to talk, im happy to drive down Saturday to listen.

Dan x

Duncan,

I have read and re-read your post several times and the only thing I can say is please look after yourself.

Best wishes

Bal

o*g, Duncs, I had an unnerving desire to contact you this morning, write something here to say I am thinking of you, email admin in the hope that we could actually move forwards with our plans but I procrastinated. I was shocked to see your diary, even more shocked to see you had broken out but I genuinely believe you needed this out in the open. The heartache it has caused you all must be unbearable :-(.

My new sister & brother knew nothing of my existence, a meaningless fling on my biological father's side with a student groupie, until his death. Their mother struggled to accept me & my new brother to some extent but my new sister hunted me down. Me, I bear even less ill will to that man than I do the c****n that dragged me up because behind every sad story, there is a truth, a reason. You could never have truly healed with this hanging over you, the light would never have come on in your eyes despite the serenity you managed @ times.

The pain is one thing but I hope that this sweeping clear of your conscious is the missing piece of your jigsaw that you have been fighting to finish so you can move on to your next chapter. Work with the doctors & nurses, work your recovery, throw yourself into this 3rd life you have been granted & give your loved ones time to digest & heal. No-one knows what the future holds but Sarah won't want you making her decisions for her, she is a strong woman who will figure out what she wants & needs, your death won't be one of them! I wish you all mighty strength in these testing times, you know where I am - Kelly

Hi Duncs,

Just take it ODAAT that’s all you can do at the minute, I for one was pleased to read the update the alternative doesn’t bare thinking about, it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem accept the help and support that is out there and you can get back on track both with gambling and non gambling issues. If you need anything shout up lad someone will be around to support you like you have done to many over the years.

KTF

Duncs you have been there for so many in their time of need and your story stands as an inspiration to many. You can overcome this obstacle, just accept all the help and support and things will get better.

All the best

Dear Duncs,

Shed tears away for you for a good while today while walking my beloved B on the top the hill admiring the scenery and aknowledging amazing gift to breathe in the summer around me.. i guess i may be feeling the pain and distress you find yourself into...i strangely had about 3 encounters on the subject in the last 24hrs..how spooky that is!

Sometimes nothing can smooth it all until we let it all out in the open. One thing I'm sure about - the "secret" will not keep eating alive no more! The only way is up!!
Only few days ago you said how Sarah props you up and makes you to keep moving forward. As ODAAT said, whatever the outcome, she would of never ever wanted bad happening to you. So glad you're here & now..

You know where i am...tank also full & i am on standby if you decide you want to exchange few thoughts...

For now.... ((((((((((Duncs)))))))))). Thank you for sharing

Duncan, I have read your post with a heavy heart. It is incredibly sad to see you suffering in this way and I hope that you and your family can get through this. I do think that you, as ever, are being very hard on yourself. You did not choose to become a victim of this illness. Like my own poor family, yours has forgiven and stuck with you and I think you owe it to them to stick around and let them make the choice whether to do so again. Clearly your family (and those on this forum) love and value you. I hope you can embrace this and use it to give you the strength to move forward. I am in Wittering this weekend and assuming your are at home would happily drive over if you want someone to talk to. You would not know me from Adam but it has been said that I am more agreeable in person than the impression given by my diary. Just as you have been there for me time and time again these past few years, I you.

Mark