Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Diary,

Sleepless just staring at the ceiling reliving the life I have thrown away, I know that this will be mentally damaging but right now I wantingly accept the pain, I take it as punishment for the choices made. The irony is addiction whispered in my ear that a lottery ticket might be the answer,win and make everything better it waffled.

Well addiction you won, you have isolated me from the world, I cast a lonely Shadow yet you still don't have the faintest idea of what I have done by courting you. If you had a 3d form I would fight you to the death, but you don't do you, you are a creation within my mind, you are part of me, I can't cut you out like a cancer I have to accept you your ramblings and you univited arrivals.

I will not succumb to your ramblings, I have willingly gifted you with everything, even that's not enough to satisfy your greed.

For now that is all I can do.

Duncs

Hello Duncan.

I'm not best to offer advice. I somehow feel like a Sunday league manager preaching to Alex ferguson on tactics.

I get that you're hurting right now but don't forget all that hope you gave to people including me on the forum. Maybe things won't work out the way you planned with your wife . But when did a maybe stop a compulsive gambler chasing a long shot? Remember it's not the size of the dog in the fight it's the size of the fight in the dog . As I've said before we've all made mistakes but they only define us if we let them.

Time is a great healer so keep stepping forward.

Best wishes

Duncs,

Stay close. Keep writing. Please don't isolate. You always told me that addiction loves that s**t. I'm thinking of you and sending boatloads of hope! -joan

Thanks all

Time to make a full inventory morally and financially, to make amends where ever possible.

Time to embrace recovery.

Duncs.

Stepped forwards and went ar...se over t...its face first into a manhole full of sh...its, clambered out, showered one self down, now back stepping forward never back, just more wary!!

A bit long winded there Duncs but I'm sure you get my drift

Hi, Duncan,

If you're planning to use the Steps as a life guide, all good, but do them in order, with a sponsor? Otherwise the trap is to try to know better than the program, but it's only the original version that works.

Step 4 comes after Steps 1, 2 and 3, when you're good and ready for it. It's not there to beat yourself up with now. Similarly considering amends is only appropriate after Steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 are complete, when the groundwork is in place. There's no rush, you have a lifetime to work it in full. And as ever, it works if you work it and work it because you're worth it.

Look after yourself.

CW

S

Cynical wife wrote:

Hi, Duncan,

If you're planning to use the Steps as a life guide, all good, but do them in order, with a sponsor? Otherwise the trap is to try to know better than the program, but it's only the original version that works.

Step 4 comes after Steps 1, 2 and 3, when you're good and ready for it. It's not there to beat yourself up with now. Similarly considering amends is only appropriate after Steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 are complete, when the groundwork is in place. There's no rush, you have a lifetime to work it in full. And as ever, it works if you work it and work it because you're worth it.

Look after yourself.

CW

Superb post there CW, assets to this forum gets thrown around like darts but you are a true asset. Thankyou

would echo CWs comment Duncs. They are in an order for a reason

Hi Duncs

You have been an absolute inspiration to so many people with your words of encouragement and advice and this is now our time to support you.

Not one of us hasn't done something in the past that we now regret. Rest assured if you are able to stay as strong as possible you will come out the other side even stronger. Your secret is something you no longer have to hide and although it will not seem like it at the moment that will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

You have been incredibly unlucky that your mistake was heavily punished at the time and is being punished even harder now. I dare day it is the type of mistake many, many people have made and simply 'got away with it'.

Although you have my every sympathy I would not be doing my job to remind you that gambling to hide the pain is no excuse and is not going to help - I mean this with every best intention.

I prayed at church for you today (silently) and also for your family that they will understand how you are feeling, you will understand how they are feeling and in time the wounds will heal and you can go back to where you all were before your unexpected news surfaced. I appreciate not everybody has a faith, personally I do and it is when I am at my lowest I place my worries and concerns in God’s hands and ask for the help and direction I desperately require.

If you want to chat at any stage I am very happy for admin to provide my email address but equally respect this may not be for you. If we do chat I can assure you it will be just to listen and hopefully contribute a small part to making you feel better about things.

For now, stay as strong as you can and try not to gamble. Time is still very new so this will all be very raw at the moment. Time does heal, always has and always will.

Best wishes

Dave (always encouraged by Duncs who is going to keep looking forward and never looking back)

Thanks all.

CW, I value your words and will digest them fully, I see where you are coming from, I look like I have gone from A to Z in a day.

I can assure you I am not, I was writing something I was focusing upon today, I wrote my inventory yes but because I am in a calm space of very rational thinking and wanted to use the time productively.

I am committed to recovery, there are no hidden agendas or skeletons to prevent my total commitment to the life I first was gifted to see on 23/01/2012 I was unable to find the courage then, today I am in a wholly different place, today it is my choice for life.

I am sorry if my words touched a nerve, I apologize.

I do believe that there is value here in every post.

Note taken.

Dave, I will contact admin tomorrow, thanks, I will gladly accept your invitation.

Regards Duncs

Why do you need to apologise? Your expressing a desire to make amends would naturally follow from the guilt that any human being would feel having done what you have done.

I do not think your expression was made with the 12 steps in mind.

Every truly repentant man deserves another chance. I genuinely hope you find the forgiveness and support from those you have hurt that you need and that stepping forward you can lead your multitude of followers by example.

Best wishes,

Mark

Morning diary.

Not sure how the Vietnamese ended upon my thread but I take the thank you.

This morning I have the want to please myself, I had the same feeling yesterday, I know what this means to me. It means that I am ready to forgive myself, I have recovered physically from the hundred plus miles I cycled from last Friday through to Saturday night and the thirty odd miles I walked the following day, mentally I today have taken the strength from the honesty I spoke yesterday to the one I hold most dear in this life.

Today I do fully accept that my life has indeed become unmanageable, that I will succeed with my life goals if I take the help on offer and most of all not be ashamed of asking for help. I willingly hand my life to recovery, with honesty the whole higher power thing is for me encompassed not by a god but by the folk who have entered their own recovery and are willing to share their own experiences to educate and inspire. I am not religious, never have been,it something I have thought about a great deal over the past week,is it a piece of the Jigsaw puzzle I aim to build for life that is missing?

I am 42 and want to learn, to learn from my past and learn more for the future.

I do not write with any shame that I feel how I do, I have always written my true emotional feelings here, the dark secret that I harboured didn't change the way I feel about a great deal of things,it did however inhibit my entering recovery without the prospect of failure because I know today how effected I became by hiding the truth.

I understand my shortcomings more and I respect my strengths.

I know that this is a life choice, I lived it all but for five years, today I can erradicate the but and embrace my choice of life.

With that I do accept the things that I cannot change.

I have gone gung ho at life, everything has been all or nothing,a total dedication yes often to the wrong pursuit.

Today I will state this.

Recovery-gung ho I am all in!!

Duncs.

Duncs,

I never wanted to write that post at all. I have felt awful all day.

But that is how I felt. That is why I wrote them in my own diary and not yours.

I have always respected and think the world of you Duncs. There are a few people in this forum I always look for and really care about and you are one of them.

This weekend it dawned on me that you acknowledge so many posts but never mine and I had come to the conclusion that I had devoted so much consideration to one who frankly does not give a s**t. Sadly I have spent far too much in my life caring for such people. Being shunned is very painful.

I am far from perfect and I always stand to be corrected. We are all judges and hypocrites, us gamblers especially and your "glass houses" maxim holds true.

It seems to me that I have "miffed" you a few times in the past for which I can only apologise.

My use of the word "followers" though is intended as a bl**dy compliment and I will stand by it. You do have followers Duncs. More than five solid years devoted to helping improve the lives of so many others is going to do this! People will follow your example for direction. People will follow your diary simply because they want to see you doing well and happy. So do not be offended when I say it, although I appreciate a humble man not willingly accept that.

I owe much of my recovery to you Duncs. That is not an exagerration. Five years ago I could only dream of embracing recovery like you did. But now I have and when an offer of support seems to have fallen like a lead balloon - you can imagine that pain.

If perhaps through my own low self-esteem or paranoia I have got you wrong and created a mountain out of a molehill, then I unreservedly apologise.

At least my thoughts are out in the open and you can see how much I care.

Mark

P.S. I have amended my diary entry. On the basis I have overreacted it is an inappropriate entry to start off my new diary with. It now reads truer. My post of 26th June.

Duncs,

Having slept (badly) on yesterday's events I can see that I made a terrible misjudgement for which I am truly sorry.

In truth, my state of mind being what it was, I did not for one minute think you would have read my misguided words. That fact that you read and identified with me in itself shows I was wrong.

I feel very small just this minute. Not just for making a grave error but for worse - knocking a man who was already down. I hope you can forgive me.

If I do comment on your diary in future (to which I hope you will not object) I will not be offended if you are silent. Recovery is still a learning curve for me.

I will now draw a line under the subject as I feel too much focus is on me. We need to focus on you and be here for you while you rebuild.

You have my unconditional support and best wishes.

Markman

Just a flyer by Duncs. You're in my thoughts and i wish you calm, kind and peaceful day.

Look after yourself ☺

B & S xx