Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Markman fella you have nothing to apologise for, you wrote how you felt, to show your emotions for me takes great courage and to act on them shows strength.

Not being too hard on yourself is something that I have struggled with greatly my whole life,a mistake lead's me to want further self loathing and self created harm, and the cycle of a downward spiral begins.

We all make judgement calls that are unfounded, it's human nature.

I have had a very emotional day today Lily and Callum have driven down from Pompey to see me,we had a very open conversation and I held nothing in reserve, I was very open with them and ultimately asked for their help. I am truly blessed to have them in my life and hope to repay their faith in me in proving it's the right choice.

Time for action, time to start putting my words into practice.

My state of mind is positive, because I have ridden the Storm, addiction won as it always will, but the lesson it gave is one that without doubt will live with me forever.

So I am amassing a jigsaw puzzle, it's scattered all across the table, from it I can see I can build a picture, it's going to be a very long road, one where no doubt some pieces will take my every effort and commitment to put in place, but with the right mindset and the best team I can assemble I will get there.

I am truly humbled to have the opportunity, one I won't be taking for granted or without thorough forethought.

The reason simple

I want to live

That's reason enough for me.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Morning diary.

What a beautiful day, I have been up a while, walked the hounds something that brings great emotional calm, to watch them bound free exploring the new territory they find themselves in, I take great solice from them, they are happy to embrace whatever is put their way and in return they gift a huge amount of joy.basic things, things I take for granted that hold a huge importance, it's those things I will focus on.

I have signed up with a couple of agencies today, time to do some relief work, work that I can leave at work gifting myself some priceless time aside to do the more important things that I want to dominate my life to at present.

Life moves on, I will dictate the pace because I understand the value that keeping control.

Time to be the tortoise, the hare's run its race.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Duncan,

Thank you for reading "that book" and also thank you for reminding me about the cricket. You reminded me how I used to descrive each gamble-free day as a cricket shot. Sadly I never could abstain for long enough to fire off a few sixes.

I love that you have your dogs and I can wholeheartedly relate to the comfort and joy they bring. I cannot have dogs now as my boy is allergic but I grew up with two beauties - Shane - a one-eyed old border Collie with a massive chip on his shoulder but who saved my life as a child more than once and Sheba - an Alsatian-Labrador cross who would jump on you and lick you all day if she could. 30 or so years on and I still miss their warmth. It is true what they say - animals let you down far less than people do.

Tortoise Mode is surely the way forward. It has taken me 7 years to get this far with recovery simply because I was always in Hare Mode and never let the Tortoise get a look in. I am trying to be patience. I agree it is the only way. Tortoise Mode.

I hope some good work finds its way to you soon and that your family remain in touching distance

In the meantime we are here to support you and looking forward to your reading your posts.

Best wishes,

Mark

Jigsaws are cool Dunc's, I'm effectionately known as Jiggy by a select few mates. I always say it's ' because I put all the pieces together ' but there slant is ' I tend to shake up the whole box and lose a few pieces ' Either way, it can be fun.

Also, re a bit of freelance work, this can also be fun, away from the cr...ap and so forth. On my last short term job, I met a cool chap I related too, albeit we did a good job, he was Mr Stool and I was Mr Bucket ad we milked the cow. So moral there is to be a Stool and Bucket and use it as necessary

Evening diary.

I have had a very productive day mentally, had a very long talk with my ma today, good therapy for both of us I feel,we raked over the distant past and with it put some skeletons to rest.

Life is about looking forward now, I am truly sorry for the events of the past eight weeks but I know today that those heart wretching events will have a profound outcome on the rest of my life.

I am returning to Portsmouth on Sunday, to return to the family home, Sarah and I have been together for a very long time, the bond we have is it seems unbreakable, she really is my soulmate, not only that she is my best friend,we have a plan and will stick to it. The practical measures are all in place, I won't have access to the bank, in truth I don't need it, addiction will be cut out of access and I accept that it's for me a successful way to free my mind to face life without addiction putting temptation in my mind set. We will work the bills out together, to pay off the debt in a fashion that allows us to live, but equally we will live to a budget.we plan to move, to stay locally but gift ourselves a fresh start something that we both believe is our main priority.

I will not fail,why?

Because I have learned a great deal about living since January 2012, from that we can have the life we desire for ourselves and in turn enjoy watching our children develop as we grow old together.

We will work the program and recover together,we have both cried enough to fill a lifetime in the past week, now is the time to earn the ability to never stop smiling.

I promised Sarah today that I will never hurt her again, I sincerely mean that.

Because I love you unconditionally with all my heart.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Duncan .

A heartwarming post that brought a smile to these old chops , your foundations with your wife and family are strong and as with anything we rebuild if the foundations are good then the rest will follow , piece by piece and brick by brick .

Wishing your family well and yourself a safe journey back to Pompey

Regard's

Alan.

Hi Duncs ☺

Amazing news dear friend. I think you both being in recovery & working it is going to work wonders 110%...i am sure of it!

Smiling for you and your beautiful family.

Calm is returning to GC waters...
Wish you all the best!

B&S xx

Ps. Dogs are the best human's friends and I'm glad yours just proved how true it is while you're going through this difficult and challenging time.

Strength and honour 😉

Play up Pompey

Play up Pompey, Duncs, Sarah and subsequently filtering to clan.

That is excellent news Duncan and there is a big smile on my face for you.

Over the years you have described a very strong and touching marital bond between yourself and Sarah. I never thought that this was the end of the road for you but I would never wish to tempt fate all the same.

Now everything is out in the open I hope you can find the peace in yourself to move forward together as family.

Best wishes,

Mark

Excellent news Duncs take this as a massive wake up call, a bit hypocritical of me to say as I don’t use here as much as I should but i feel at the moment you need to stay close to your diary, I’m sure you will and keep them communication line open with Sarah and the kids you can come out the other side with their support and others.

Keep stepping forward never back

Pleased you have sorted things out. All the best graeme

Hi Duncs

I have followed your progress since i landed on the forum and i notice a steely determination has returned to your posts. Perhaps the chosen path stretches out in front of you.

Your last post brought a smile to my face and i wish you and your family every success and best wishes for the future.

Bal

Evening diary.

Thanks to each and every one of you for your words of support and kindness, they mean a great deal and I am truly humbled by all of them.

Balance I do have a steely determination to put into place everything positive that I have learnt since I came here because simply I know the gift that is on offer.

Recovery is the one selfish act that I will allow myself because it is I know All about myself first and foremost, without my 100% commitment the actions of others won't count for a bean, the outcome of my life is in my own hands. Yes without doubt I won't achieve it alone, I willingly accept help in whatever form it figures.

Today I have felt exhausted, mentally and physically, I believe it's a combination of the past few days meeting with Sarah and the kids and I think my medication is a factor to consider.

So I didn't do a great deal except reward myself a day of mental and physical rest, it's something I know the importance of recognition, this is a life choice, I have the rest of my Life to achieve my goals.

I have wanted to fix everything here and now for a great period of my life, often sticking a band aid over a wound needing much greater attention, never healing myself and leaving a great deal of scars in the process.

So I am fed, watered and will sleep well knowing tomorrow is awaiting me and I will be fit and able to conquer whatever comes my way.

And all because I am worthy of living and most importantly have a fire inside to do so.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Afternoon diary.

So it's 15days since I hit the self destruct button, I have toyed with the pros and cons of day counting and have decided that I won't change my view that for me it does have a counter active effect,why? Because addiction whispers away after a period of time that I have earned enough through time off to warrant a punt and what is the goal of counting for recovery, there is no end target the aim is to live my entire life without waging another penny.

For me this has to be a total commitment to not waging a bet what so ever,no lottery, raffle tickets nothing because there is no doubt in my mind that justifying any form of a wager even the loser buying the tea and cake after a friendly game of pitch and putt offers my addictive mind a tiny chink in my armour.

Then progressively addiction tries to take control of my every thought.

The reason I gambled last was a chain of undealt with events That lead me to be standing at a bank machine and after seeing my overtime promised hadn't been paid the rage within unlocked the door to let addiction take control.

Sarah asked what if I had won??

The truth is I would have simply bought myself more time,it would not have resolved the deepest bout of depression I had ever faced or dealt with the unresolved issues I had created with Sarah and family life.

It mearly would have stuck a band aid over a gaping wound.

I had last gambled on 31/10/2014 before the events of two Fridays ago so I have to learn a great deal about how I proceed with recovery from now until the end of my life.

I am very fortunate that I have the support of Sarah, that I know and fully respect because she can monitor and control access to money, the fuel that feeds my addiction, but that being said I will have access to money and have still to work tirelessly to ensure my mindset is not so easily relinquished to the open arms of addiction.

The scariest thing in doing that for me was how in a matter of half an hour addiction had moved to the forefront of my mind it rampaged through my rational thinking and was again in total control, I went from the caring about so much to fuckitol in a frighteningly quick period.

I accept that my mindset was the most fragile it had ever been, I accept that I have sought professional help to address my depression and will relentlessly pursue ways to live with the fact that I never want to find myself in that position again and will use the help around me to better deal with future episodes of depression.

I certainly feel a great deal calmer than I did two weeks ago,a combination of the medication and the outing of the position I had let my life become.

It feels as if I am no longer running around and around a roundabout and have found an exit junction and am back on a road ahead.

Yes there's potholes, junctions, plenty more roundabout's ahead but just for today I will just concentrate on this stretch of road, I don't have the desire to try and fix everything here and now,a trait I have carried for a great deal of my life,in doing that I know I just spread myself thinly and end up just papering over the cra## ks.

I will live by the mantra I know works.

One day at a time.

I accept my flaws and believe in my strengths.

I am a compulsive gambler, today I chose life without feeding it.

I am wholly better for making that choice.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Just went back to your first post Duncs and after some easy Maths, I see your re(dis)covery starting on 24-1-12. I just missed my date of 5-7-10 and never thought about that date until just now. You've known me cyberly long enough that I switched my addiction to relapsing . It's been a bi...tch sometimes returning here and woe-ing poor poor me, but now look it as part of the process. I / we have learned an awful lot about our selves in that time, something that can never be taking from us. I'm not saying that relapsing is part of recovery, it is a bi...tch after all. But I / you bounce back. We're understanding that addiction is a symptom and not the cause after all. Every stone has to be turned like they said in one of your early meetings, I'm still turning but also understanding, something your also doing... We're mere visitors on a journey, time to enjoy the sights... Good luck to you and yours on your return to Pompey.

A little ramble there as I sniff on a boat with a cold beer as company