Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Back home, a massive debt of gratitude goes to my Ma and Ed her husband who put their own lives on hold for the past two weeks, who have fed and watered me and given me a place of safety to gather my thoughts and gave Sarah and myself the time we desperately needed to work things out earlier in the week. Those actions I will never forget.

I will set about creating the right changes from this day forth to ensure that investment in me doesn't go in vain.

Busied myself with lawn mowing and tidying up, Sarah made a delicious supper and I am looking forward to tomorrow, signing the paperwork with the agency and I am going to sort through my wardrobe, time to cull the clothes that I hold on to just in case!

Of what I am not sure,so it's time to let them go, I will bag them up and donate them.

Just for today I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Hi Duncs,

Thanks for your post yesterday. I was in a fog and honestly didn't take in anything you said. I guess you know how it feels...

You're fighting the biggest battle yourself and still find time to help others. You always had...i really admire you for your massive kind heart...not many people like that around ☺

So i fell. & so i need to ask myself a question" "what are you gonna do about it?".

I relate to you a big deal. I have a lifetime fight with my depression. I am on rollercoaster with my moods and mindset. Of course my poor choices doesn't help but again, i really struggle to find the happy middle...& i should really. I so underestimate my journey...i came so far, i never gave up..i truly cannot give up now. It feels like I'm volluntaraly lining myself up to the wall to accept the bullet in my heart. Self sabotage, why do we do this to ourselves?

I know that friends and another soul to speak to helps big deal,...something i am missing the most recently. I shall try and commit to accepting help. I shall try GA...i have many addictions to concur but i need to start somewhere..just that first stepping stone to calmer life.

Hope all is good with yourself today...reunited with your lovely family ☺..keep stepping forward, there is so much in life to see, experience and witness...take it all in and enjoy!

Thanks again

Hugs from me and my little girl (woof woof ;-))

B&S xx

Morning diary.

So yesterday I simply trod water, a day with Sarah, just household chores and cooked up a family roast then an early night, I feel refreshed today and ready to move forward. I have struggled with having 'time out' all my life, I get itchy feet and have always found myself throwing headlong into something, anything.

But I am learning the value of 'me' time, time to do not a lot and reep the benefits long term, I can happily be in sarah's company without words, just the sense of being,belonging is required and the reward is an unbridled feeling of inner happiness and tranquillity.

Today I have a meeting this morning then this afternoon I will get on a train back to Somerset because tomorrow I have a follow up appointment with the gp I saw two weeks ago and fully understand the importance of the visit.

I did have a fleeting thought of trying to see a gp in my surgery here in Portsmouth but I felt that the gp I saw had a professionalism about him and a good inner knowledge of mental health problems. so the train fare as extortionate as it is will be a valuable investment and if necessary I will make the journey as often as I need to.

The medication has without doubt calmed my emotions but not suppressed all feeling that the last time I took similar medication.

Then back tomorrow to Portsmouth to turn to the next page in my open book.

I have accepted the help on offer, I have created an amazing network of support, for that I am deeply humbled and equally inspired.

My life is again in my control, it's outcome will be of my own making.

Just for today I will live by a choice.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs

Afternoon diary.
I am on board my train to Somerset taking advantage of the free WiFi, although the captcha feature is a bit of a hurdle as it seems only to work with perserverence lol, I would have given up the game in my previous life,but today I won't be beaten!!! Well save for addiction that is magnanimus in it's Victory,it duffed me up good and proper for more than twenty years,even when I was out for the count,knocked off my feet I still willingly got up to give it more time to carry on. I am not ashamed to admit that defeat because I know the outcome of doing so instills a fire inside,a desire to leave the ring and hang up my gloves.
Funny addiction still tries,I walked from home to the station with my fare in my pocket and it whispered sweet nothings about taking a detour,test and see if the self exclusion works it cried.
Me I just laughed and went the long route the other way just because I could.
I had a great meeting this morning,it appears the many years of hard graft paid off, my referees came up trumps and the agency have a stack of work for me off the back of it, so I will earn well and upon my terms,I will happily commit to Monday to Saturday and reserve Sunday for the most important day of the week,down time,more importantly time to spend with the women I love.
We have found lots of common ground this past week and I am committed wholly to making our life grow into something to behold.
I cannot change the past but I will pave my own future.
No more lies,deceit or false promises.just a black and white truly honest and humbling version.
I am all in.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs.

Duncs, I do hope you enjoy the journey. Not just beautiful Somerset (which I cannot wait to drive through next month) but the gamble free journey without any skeletons to get in your way. Your affection and familial bond is enviable and I am so pleased they are by your side once again. By the same humble token, I am very grateful my own familial bond has not been stretched to the same extent as yours - fortune rather than anything else as things could have panned out to very differently. Embrace and enjoy your Somerset sojourn!
Best wishes,

Mark

Afternoon diary.
I am on route home from Somerset,a two hundred mile round trip to for full my follow up appointment with the Dr. I saw two weeks ago,the appointment went well,we discussed future plans and I have another months worth of medication and a follow up appointment booked for a months time,we talked at length about my mental wellbeing and this forum and finding the ability to be able to express myself fully and my search for an inner calm to prevail over my life.
I know that arresting my addiction before it took further hold is monumental in enabling me to seek a path of no self destruction and am truly grateful for the help that I have had. But I equally know it has come from deep within my mind, the truth is I could have carried on the deciet,I had access to a great deal of funds in the week that followed my last episode, but the inner desire to not take another beating from addiction ensured that the rational side of mind,the side I will work to develop relentlessly stood up to be counted. Today I don't have the access,truthfully I will never put myself in that position again,why put my inner sanctuary at risk,why gift addiction any unnecessary opportunity,for the ego?? I know addiction tried to make me feel like billy big bo## l#cks until it had taken all I had to give and more.
I refuse to feel shame,because the shame only exists when I pay attention to the flawed part of my brain and I know I can live without it controlling every thought I have.
I danced to that tune,truthfully it totally broke me.
But and the huge but is I have the pieces to rebuild and I will read all the instructions in doing so!!!!
It starts and ends with
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs.

Hi my old friend. You're the only name I really recognise here right now. I'm so sorry to hear of your slips. I've had my own and it's far too easy to do. I wonder what it is that motivates this thing. I wish you'd got in touch. I've tried to contact many times. I'm glad you're on the right path again. I'm sure I'll find the strength to seriously join you soon.

Mr B

Evening diary.

For those of you who haven't been here long, Mr . Ian. B brought a great deal of belief to this forum, he threw himself willingly and unconditionally into recovery and helping others to do likewise, without mr b I wouldn't have been brave enough to meet many folk outside the cyber world and take the forum into the 3d world.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude for that.

You have lost your way, in my mind that doesn't make you a bad person, this addiction is relentless in its pursuit of everything we have and some and we willingly commit to giving.

I hope you find a way, it's true that the doors of recovery revolve, it doesn't matter how many times you walk through them,it's what you learn when you do.

My advice simple, come join, gift yourself the support you freely gave.

I wish the circumstances were different but take heart from the fact that today mine are wholly honest.

I am here for the long haul, I hope you are likewise.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Hey mate,

If you're busy don't worry. I've mailed you. Just text or reply when you're ready. Take it easy.

Evening diary.

I did type a huge post earlier and my tablet froze as I went to complete the infamous captcha before I could send it!

Yesterday I met with one of my dearest friends it's the first time I have seen them since the events of three weeks ago and it was a very emotional afternoon. They have been a consistent and true friend, through my good and darkest times they have just unconditionally been there, never judging just a true friend. I was hugely humbled to meet,they have a huge amount going on in their own life, chiefly their mum has cancer and I have felt a great sense of guilt due to my actions of three weeks ago,my wanting to end life when another's is unwantently being taken,a very sobering thing.

We had a very long and emotional talk and promised not to hide our emotions again. I understand the value of friendship more today and how priceless it is.

I have been deeply humbled by the reaction of many folk in the past weeks and today I have been in touch with the honourable Mr.b, hopefully another strong bond can grow from our shared desire to live without the destruction of the compulsion to gamble and all that it brings to life.

Today I have had another productive day, tidied the garage and the back garden and re upholstered two cushions for the garden chairs we recycled a few weeks ago.

Sarah and I will be able to sit and watch the sun set in great comfort and company now.

Pasties for supper and a nice relaxing evening lies ahead.

I feel a huge sense of inner calm today, I know that my medication is working my anxious state of mind and the desire to run and hide has levelled and I feel comfortable within my own skin.

I have abstained from alcohol for a month today and I feel that contributes to my wellbeing. with honesty I can take or leave alcohol my problem being I cannot have a couple, it's all or nothing, a trait I have to work on.

I have had a good day and am not ashamed to say that, because I no longer wish to punish myself for my shortfalls, I want to learn from the mistakes and live in harmony with addiction.

Addiction hides away in the doldrums of my mind when I regain this mindset, but I accept the fact that in times of darker waters it will try to regain it's presence and control my every thought.

I will prepare for those times and utilise the incredible support network I have been blessed with.

Today I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Evening diary.

For the second day in a row I typed a long post and when I pressed the captcha button the tablet became unresponsive and I lost another post!!!!!!!!

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I am a mechanical man in a digital world! !!!!!!!

Not a f*****g robot! !

Deeply frustrating.

I won't let it spoil the wonderful walk I just enjoyed with my beloved hounds.

Today I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

It's so frustrating. I hate this new set up too. Copy before it is an idea. All those thoughts and you didn't get to post them to our world. Well done on another day.

Mr B

Morning diary.

Well I have just spent the night on the kitchen floor with Mr blue, bless him he is absolutely petrified of thunder, he gets himself all worked up and shakes horrendously,I found the kitchen the most calming surrounding for him,the blind blacks out the outside world and the lighting is quite harsh so I put a large duvet down and cuddled him and sat till half past four reassuring him that the storm wouldn't hurt him,bless hovis he sat with us looking a bit miffed at the whole episode.

Hopefully that's the storm passed through and I won't have to sit feeling so helpless.

My hounds have been such a huge part of my recovery, they have brought such joy and a lust for life it's infectious.

I am fortunate that I am not working today so I can have a lazy day and catch up with the sleep I have missed, I have a booking from the agency through the weekend and next week so I will use today wisely.

Reading around the forum this morning I encountered a post that made me feel quite sad, it questions the genuine efforts of in my mind a fella who just wants to help other folk to take the opportunity to recover.

I believe that is a huge step in recovery, to believe whole heartedly in what you are doing enough to have the confidence to talk proudly of it and show others the way, in the same way you were yourself.

I believe wholly in this method, I know it works.

I also know that there is a huge but. That is you cannot force another person to recover, recovery comes from the individuals desire to recover.

Yes measures can be taken or put in place to aquire abstinence, just break the triangle and the next punt is impossible.

But without the individual's commitment to recovery the next punt is inevitable.

I know through experience that the person who walks through the doors to recovery because their partners sat outside isn't there through desire,they are more often just playing the game.

I promised Sarah hundreds of times over a twenty year period that I had had my last punt.why?

Because as an active compulsive gambler I got used to telling folk what I believed they wanted to hear.

The day I walked into the room /wrote my opening post here I was a desperate man,I needed help and both offered it freely and unconditionally.

I took what I wanted and left the rest from that I believe that I have become a better person, I know more about myself and how to live my life today in five years of being on this side of the fence than I got from twenty years of utter commitment to feeding addiction.

Surely if I choose to remain on this side of the fence for the next fifteen years my life will continue to improve.

I have relapse twice and I have learnt from them both and I will give to learning.

A fella wrote here that you will learn the most valuable things from those you least expect or want to learn from or in my mind addiction wants you to learn least from.

That I have experienced is often true because I committed to addiction wholly and it still made me believe that I didn't give enough and I just kept on giving more. The result the outcome was the same.

Recovery for me is the polar opposite.

I try not to get bogged down by the words,I have the ability to founder my own opinions, I have the ability to make my own decisions and most of all I don't carry an overbearing sense of shame,regret and self loathing.

The only thing for me addiction and recovery share is they neither have an end game.

The outcomes?

That is our choice of our own making.

Today I know which one is my first choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Hi. Great post

I have followed your diary on and off for years. You are a shining light on how the abstinence and recovery process can be successful. Strength is a matter of a made up mind.

Morning diary.

Westsider thanks for the post,I remember your thread well, I think that there's always something for me to learn about myself and I have the urge to llearn again.

I know that to change I have to create change, yes I have gone back to basics with regards to prevention of the ability to gamble, I have starved addiction with the use of in my mind the best weapon a compulsive gambler can have

The triangle time-money-location If one of those elements is removed at all times then the next punt is impossible.

I understand the value of this tool,I have gifted the rational side of my brain breathing space, time to see that life without the destruction of that punt is one of definitively better quality and for me this is a creation of the opportunity for me to make changes to the way I approach life.

I have to concentrate on my own mental health, I want to learn how to deal better with the episodes of depression I experience, I no longer want to run away and hide them from the world, I have to bring the cycle of self harm I create in doing so.

I accept that the medication is working and understand that I will not be prescribed them for life, I will need to be able to live without them as a crutch because I understand what long term use can create side effects that can be just as damaging.

The outcome has to be a mindset that firstly looks after today but lives for the future.

For me that is where I will break the cycle.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs