Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
My hand is on the mend,I have redressed it and it's healing nicely,I will visit the hospital early tomorrow and see what is said.
My cook off for the new menu was well received and it goes live tomorrow,just a few tweaks needed and it's good to go.
Today the busiest Monday since I have been there and long may business grow
I am now twenty days until I have a week off.
Not that I am counting!!
I will get there,the support my sarah and our kids gift daily inspires me.
Off to bed now I will be asleep before my head hits the pillow.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Well what a busy week and still two crazy long days of hours to go. Today is the first time I have felt that isolated feeling that I have felt before when I am heading in the wrong direction mentally, I feel like a weight of senselessness is building, the sense that I have created a situation that I will end up loathing myself for. I know why, I have done nothing but work for many weeks and I am starting to feel the effects. I had immensely jealous feelings towards the fact my wife was out tonight, it's natural to feel this and I will be honest I am proud to say I am because for me it means I care, she has been out with the same person three times since I started this current barbaric run of days working the first mentally difficult because it was actually on my last night off, I felt the feeling of rejection that night because I wasn't choosen above another. But on that day none of us at home expected the forwarding events to occur so I accept it was a singular feeling that was of my making. Tonight I was working and I accept that Sarah is entitled to have a life and enjoy it,never the less my warped mind plays on it,addiction sits like a wild animal stalking it's ever weakening prey, waiting for the opportunity to pounce.
I know I have to create change and quickly, I have a chef trialing on Tuesday, I hope he works out, I will put some more irons in the fire over the next couple of days to ensure all my eggs are not in one basket.
I am happy to share my emotions with the world, I know the power of talking,as I write addiction crawls away devastated at my actions.
Sarah sleeps blissfully unaware next to me, the result of a few drinks I guess.
I love her so dearly and will find time for us to enjoy because I know that the value is priceless.
I will come hell or high water take the half term week off for us to embrace quality time.
That is three weeks away, I will do more immediately to address my mental wellbeing.
The other contending factor is today I took delivery of a new bike, one that is the most expensive one I have ever owned,it's fantastic and I got it on 12 months interest free finance and it had a huge amount off the rrp as it's been replaced by a new model.
My brain told me I am not worthy of it, that I shouldn't lavish any money on myself, that folk will judge me,that I have debt and I should be gung ho at paying that.
Did I need to purchase it??
Well I have been riding a burrowed bike,one that is punishing to ride,one that adds an hour a day onto my life away from home,an hour I could do so much in,I could have brought a cheaper one yes, but I am cycling over a hundred miles a week.
I know addiction twists everything to it's gain, I understand that, I refuse to be taunted by it.
Sunday I will clear more debt, address my mental balance.
My medication gifts this clear thinking,I am wholly grateful for what it creates.
Right sleep now my dear friend, up before light,a new day, one I will embrace and give all I have, the half hour gained in the morning will be well spent with my beloved hounds.
They are such a wonderful joy in my life,they give me so much strength every day.
That coupled with the person laid next to me are such an inspiration.
The reason I am committed to living.
Goodnight my friend it's been great spending time with you, you have been by my side for many years now,you have never wavered in your ability for me to express and let my emotions go.
For that I forever endebted.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncan,

Your posts provide me with insparation and for that i thank you. I always read them as they are very thought provoking and cause me to question myself and push me to greater levels.

As many have said before please look after you. Sarah and your beloved hounds are there for you and you are there for them.

Beat wishes

Morning diary.
Amazing what a good few hours sleep can gift,I fulfilled my promise and watched the hounds release the energy they had by running themselves to a stand still and I swear they got home smiling.
The simple actions gift a huge sense of wellbeing.
Right I am at the stove and will be for the next fourteen hours.
I will give my all.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

A message to you but also a reminder to me.

Go easy Duncan on the hours, Ive been pretty much doing the same, but becoming more aware with my foo.ok it switch.. We're not designed to work all the time, need to fit some play in..

Morning diary.
Paul thanks for popping by fella,I have taken your words on board.
So I had a very honest talk with Sarah on Saturday she got very emotional and defensive and I talked it through,we are truly talking,deep honest meaningful conversation,it is something that creates a great sense of belief and wellbeing,I am able to listen and absorb every word.
So I worked 28 hours in the past two days and completed seventy days on the bounce,14 more to go and I will take the week off,this week I will go in late every day and get just as lunch begins,gifting me the mornings to relax my ever aching body.
Tonight I am finishing at eight sharp and coming home to enjoy a family roast,our Callum is cooking,he is a accomplished cook and has a real talent for good taste.
Today is my birthday, 43 years young, I am by strange virtue able to celebrate, something I will do quietly, hopefully a cold root beer will await my homecoming, my new found favourite drink!!!!
I have the chef trialing for a job tomorrow hopefully he will be what he says on the tin.
Time will tell.
Just for today I will forgive my shortcomings and embrace what I can bring to living.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Happy birthday duncs, enjoy your day big fella.

Morning diary.
Thanks Wentworth I had a good day, wholly surprised by the actions of our three amazing children,they gave me a card last night and in it a card for my tattooists saying that my three hour session a week on Monday is paid in full, a great deal of money and I am truly humbled, I will never stop seeing what amazing people they grow into, they are all considerate,loving and all work very hard at life, I am so very proud of them.
We had a superb supper and I had a great nights sleep.
Today I have the chef coming to see if he can fit into a position, I am looking forward to watching him at work and hope from it we can offer him a full time job.I noticed this morning that Alan's diary has been removed from the forum something I find a great shame if that's permanent, in my time here I feel this has happened too many times, there's great knowledge within that diary as there has been in many others and to remove them I see as a terrible waste, if those words remained and inspired another single compulsive gambler to abstain surely they would have forfilled what this is all about.
I came here in 2012 in desperate need of help,the countless folk who offered support and passed on their experience and knowledge are what got me to believe in the possibility of a life without addiction ruling it.
What if all those folk had done the same? Would I be where I am today?
I know I would not.
Someone once wrote to truly recover from addiction you have to give recovery away.
For me there's a profound truth in those words.
I hope to repay that mantra myself in time.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncan, I was going to log on and wish you a happy birthday yesterday but must have passed out for the night shortly after washing the dishes by hand as ever and bathing the boy. Before I knew it the alarm was going off and it took me a moment to realise it was not Saturday! I am glad you had a great day. Clearly your family still dote on you. It seems to me me that whatever mistakes you have made in the past are paled into insignificance by your love as a father and husband and your family see that. I am very pleased for you. Whilst posting I happened to notice one of your old 2012 posts and cannot help wondering whathever happed to our friend KeithIOW? Any ideas? Best wishes, Markmnan.

Evening diary.
Markman the last time I spoke to Keith he had moved off the island but unfortunately was still gambling, that was a few years ago,I hope he has since found recovery,as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Something I lived by for far to many years.
So my chef trailed,tomorrow I will speak with him and see what the score is,without doubt he can cook but my gut feeling is he will stay where he is, he is the only person who can decide, I wholly accept that and enjoy living that way.
I had a productive day,tomorrow I will be blessed with another lunch time start.
Bed calls now, the excesses of the weekends work have caught up today.
So I will heed to what my body desires physical rest.
Life is black and white and I like it that way.
Addiction hates it, all the more reason to live within my new found outlook.
12 more days graft and a week off!!!! Lol not that I am counting!!
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dear diary.
Today is world mental health day, something very close to my heart,to anyone who suffers from mental health problems, please don't suffer in silence.
You are worth more than that.
Knock down as many doors as you need to, someone will listen.as I found out recently.
Duncs.

Dear diary.
Well last night I developed a sore throat riding home, I woke up this morning feeling terrible,like razor blades lined my throat,I wanted to stay in bed, I didn't, I dragged myself up walked the hounds and went off to work,today we had a very busy day,tonight service ran on way past closing time,I will be honest I struggled, I feel like I have gone a dozen rounds with a heavy weight and am battered!! I jumped the train to save a few miles cycling and went to the supermarket on route home to source some medication to ease my woes, I went for a decongestant, a branded expensive one only to get home read the label and find out I can't take it due to my medication for my depression, I after reading can't take a great deal,paracetamol about the limit and we have everything but that in the cupboard!! So I have forced a sandwich and a cup of tea down and had the hottest shower possible and donned my onesie hood up and two t shirts underneath and I will try to sweat it out. I level my mind by remembering when I contracted malaria on the drugs trial I did a few years ago and today's woes seem insignificant, those few days of fever and delusions are a seriously sobering memory.
The weekend ahead is going to be extremely busy, I need to find full strength from deep inside.
I will see it through, I will fuel my body to ensure I do.
If I wake up feeling no better I will call my gp for some advice.
Right time to crawl under the covers.
Let the sweat commence lol.abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

duncanmac wrote: Morning diary. Odaat I hear you, we were up at three this morning Sarah and I sharing a cup of tea and had an hour of us time, perfect except the hounds stole most of the bed lol. I have given myself a month counting down from yesterday, no longer, I will happily go back to covering the weekends where possible but your right money is worthless without a life to go with it. So on the train on my way back to continue where I left off yesterday, had a half hour with my beloved hounds before leaving and meatballs will await me tonight on my return. And to boot the sun beams this morning. Inside and out!!! Abstain and maintain Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs, you can’t run a kitchen from a hospital bed...You may be able to convince your mind that you can cope but your body is telling you otherwise! Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Now, please look after you & I do hope you feel better this morning! GET WELL SOON.

Morning diary.
Thanks Kelly, I am feeling much worse today lol, my bones ache,my teeth have gone all sensitive and I just want to cough which is not pleasant. I am off to the chemist to see what miracle I can find and won't get to work until lunchtime, I am going to collect the ingredients for a very hot curry and get Sarah to make it so I can eat when I get home.
I will look after myself, I will be kind to myself.
Because without that I won't forfill the promise I made.
I will never live with that pointless,worthless self loathing feeling again.
I am better than that.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back