Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary
So the chemist found me some medication I could take and I have duly done so,it abated the aches and I got through the day,two busy days ahead and another thirty hour working weekend to combat.
The fact I have nine work days then a week off is my inspiration, I know I have the will to get me there and will use it to my advantage.
Addiction lurks looking for a way to tempt me to me returning to it's call.
I have the right blocks in place and don't wish to dance to it's tune,I know what the outcome would be,I have walked in those shoes enough. Not today and that truly is all I have to worry about.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Addiction knows when to come looking for any recovering addict, and it does not like you knowing its there at all.

Hiya Duncan cracking. Diary pal you have some great experience s to share and give some great advice on these threads you are and inspiration keep up the good work pal

Morning diary
Thanks for the support fellas I have been here for over five years now, twice in those five years I ran back to the open arms of addiction, truthfully I never gave everything to change,the traits of my personality remained at large,the great shame that I believed depression wasn't something I could share with the world for fear of hearing the old clichГ©
'what have you got to be depressed about!' Or the other 'get a grip' or for me the other action I had often heard when I tried to bring my feelings to the table was to feel shot down by the other person out trumping my emotional state with comparing it to either their own or another, leaving me feeling even more isolated and eventually I know I shut the door to the world,strapped on another mask and just acted like everything was hunky dory.
Addiction loved those times,it was given an opportunity to get inside my head,to lambast the world,to breed me to grow the fookital mentality.
Today I have no shame in admitting my feelings good or bad, I know that by doing so addiction is boxed in rather than me.
Communicate with the world and it will reward you.
I have found it has given me the ability to say yes or no to things in equal measure.
The clock ticks closer to my taking time out for me and my beloved family to enjoy, that I know has been well earned and will be even more enjoyable for it.
I have given everything I have to living over the past three months and more and for the first time in my entire life I feel that I have been rewarded for it on so many levels, I opened myself up the day I set off to commit suicide,I emptied all the things that laid inside, I have taken from that pile what was worthy and I am sorting through the rest, I am grateful for the opportunity,equally I am grateful for all the help and support I have unconditionally received.
I haven't had any suicidal thoughts for a few months now where before the event that led me to today I used to think about it a great deal, I believe I saw it as the outcome, the only way I would deal with my shortcomings.
It's a terrible feeling not wishing to live,it was something addiction longed for, to isolate me, to take whatever I could offer.
I think depression and the compulsion to gamble share the same ability to isolate the individual.
I understand today what it is like to step outside and not feel trapped by either.
I understand today the value of many things in a greater sense than I believe I ever have, for that I am thankful for the opportunity.
One I take with everything I have.
Please don't ever isolate yourself
The outcome could be devastating.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

That was a brilliant post, thanks for sharing.

Evening diary.
Smashed thanks for the ongoing support I write to free my mind of it's thoughts,I feel great comfort in doing so and if it can help others then that's truly amazing and equally inspiring.
I read the forum a great deal and it strikes me that a great proportion of the authors write about all the good fortune they have had and that led to greed propelling them to gamble on.
For me the tale of my gambling life is wholly different,in fact the polar opposite, I often have labelled myself the world's worst gambler because from the very first time I rolled a coin into the slot I never can recall playing to win, every episode of gambling in my entire twenty plus year active gambling life was started with one goal to stay in the action of the gamble for as long as possible,I could have had and did have potentially life changing appointments scheduled and I would miss them to remain in action, the seldom few times I ever left a machine in my active gambling life in profit were due to outside factors,my excuses for not being home ran out,the betting shop or pub closed,someone I really didn't want to interact with entered the establishment I was frequenting some of the reasons I would actually walk away with money, if not I would just gamble until I had nothing more to gamble with.
All rational thinking would leave my existence,I would drift off to another world whilst in action,the ultimate escape.
I would spend the latter stages of each episode formulating my excuse for being potless, there's probably not an excuse I haven't spun to Sarah,our kids,my mum,boss or anyone I could get to listen,well more over anyone who could fund me to hide the loss.
My actions were wholly shameful,I could lie too easily,I could act like it was no big deal.
Inwardly I would just be planning,scheming my next episode of gambling and how I could fund it.
I started with many folk I associated myself with,strapped on the mask to enable me to all to easily lie and pretend like I didn't have a care in the world.
I lived in an ever decreasing circle,eventually I had nobody to turn to,I completely isolated myself from the world.
In truth I was a total liability.
Today I see it in black and white,there's no fairy tale ending for me. If I choose to gamble again I am fully aware of what I will again become.
I loathed that person,I held a huge desire to destruct,self destruct because I simply let addiction own my existence.
Today I have a new outlook,you might say an educated one.
I know addiction will try to rule again,I will be ready for it,I am re educating my mind.
I no longer seek to escape.
I am here to be counted.
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler
No bet today
Abstain and maintain
Stepping forward never back.

Thank-you Duncan for your post on my diary, you took the time to try to help me, I thank - you greatly for that, I know you have suffered greatly from gambling addication and the closeness it came to taking you from yourself and your loved ones, I take your words in my heart and head this morning as I leave for work, may the hours that are to follow for me better than the recent days have been - Paul

I think you should write a book, even a short, a film maybe as your words hit hard.

Smashed.
In reply to your post fella I happily write here,as I have said it is a great place for me to free the thoughts in my mind, as for writing a book or such like I would never wish to profit in any way by the means of other folks suffering, I find the thought quite distasteful and have raised it before.
Recovery or rediscovery in my mind should not be profitted from in any way as surely every compulsive gambler has by the time they seek it more than paid up their dues to have the right to it.
This forum is also a place full of like minded folk who don't judge one another, something that the rest of the world love to do will relish and often appear to take great delight in another persons suffering.
That is not something I wish to bestow upon myself or more so the family that I have made suffer innocently already.
Duncs.

Hey Duncs,

It's been a while....Lets go to a place where everyone knows our name!

I'm back and ready to begin my recovery. Hope you and your family are well, I thought about you often. What a b***h this gambling adiction is!

God Bless

Sue AKA Womble xxxxx

Evening diary.

Sue good to hear from you, a great shame that addiction has still played a destructive role in your life.

So my old friend I have been away from you since before the weekend, my state of physical wellbeing was taken to the brink over the weekend and I kind of broke on Sunday. The job I was working got the better of me, with honesty I let it, so I finished Sunday and shut my phone down and closed the door to the world. Surrounding myself with my family and nothing else. I have done this for three days, no phone, social media, email nothing. The only thing I did outside the family was to spend three hours in the chair, the result the start of my right arm sleeve,something that will represent to me the darkest times of my life, it will live as a reminder of where I got to in my life, I had a fantastic time in the chair, the tattooist was amazed at my ability to sit still unfazed for three straight hours and not show any sign of feeling pain, the truth is I found the session deeply therapeutic and it gave me some me time, time that I haven't had for too many days.

Work wise I will not think about that until the weekend, now I just enjoy the family I adore and love to be with.

To get here I spent 99 days working straight, long hard days ,in a way for me a kind of penace, I facilitated over six thousand pounds worth of the debt I created in those 99 days, something that I am proud of and know that for the future I really did do the right thing, I no longer hide or run,I want to face life

More over I want it on equal terms.

I have given myself and my family the best opportunity to do so.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Another day spent with the folk I hold dearest and my beloved hounds, today I got to lie in with Sarah and later walk the hounds with our joe for a good few miles, we ate well and enjoyed each others company.

The value of a day like this

Priceless.

Addiction has retreated from it's prominent position it stood by four days ago, it has returned to the shadows the depths of my mind.

I know that it will wait patiently for the next sign of weakness, I will work on creating a a life were it's opportunity to do so is decreased

My life is greater for my taking the time I have been given to do the things that create a better circumstance and as a result my mental wellbeing and health is bettering as a result.

This for me is the polar opposite life cycle of the one I actively lived for twenty years and more.

I am humbled and equally inspired.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary
Today I was reminded of how fragile life is, Sarah and I went to our best friends to deliver a birthday gift for their daughter who turned one today,the lasses mum was there she is a mere shadow of her former self,she has brain cancer and the therapy/treatment she has had to try and abait it has ravaged her being,she fashioned a hat to cover the worst visible signs and I was very humbled to be in her presence,I was going to take my own life four months ago and here is a women who may not have a choice. I took myself off into the garden and played with their dog,truthfully I didn't know what to say or do and felt very uncomfortable. Funny because I am more comfortable in the company of animals than I am in that of humans,maybe I enjoy their enviable passion for the simple things that appear to gift them huge joy,today seeing their dog run circuits of the garden with it's rubber bone filled me with a great sense of wellbeing.
This afternoon I got to enjoy watching my own hounds run themselves ragged chasing their own toys,each other and another dog who was foolish enough to think they could match their speed.lol whippets really do live up to their name,they are pocket rockets,they don't run they fly!!!
Stew and dumplings for supper and a very quiet evening.
Just what I needed. Tomorrow sees my week off come to an end,Monday morning I have some running around to do,not least I have my mot at the doctors to sort out and a meeting with the recruitment agency. Time to see what the next chapter offers. I am content with breaking life into relatively short chapters at present,I know they will provide a better future and no great book has ever had just one chapter.
Addiction offered itself today,it tried to appeal in a couple of forms,football and later the lottery.
On both counts I just let my rational brain do the talking.
I care little for chance it stated, and less for selfish actions, both in the case of feeding addiction will bring the ever so predictable outcome.
MISERY.
I am glad the right side of my brain today dominates.
Today unlike too many in my recent past I have the want to live
To do so I accept that there is a way to do so with greater content.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Humbled. Fantastic post. Thank you.

Evening diary

Well what a way to spend a Sunday my first off in a while, the lost hour truly lost on the hounds, they have a body clock set for just before 6 every morning so first light I took them and let them run and run they did. Yesterday we bagged some bargains so I went to work in my kitchen, made a huge pavlova, three layers of chewy in the middle meringue with three large punnets of raspberries we got for 30 pence!! And a mass of double cream. Then I made the girls scrambled eggs with the yolks that were left and eggy bread for me and the boys, then I produced a proper Sunday roast, roast beef and all the trimmings, the spuds another bargain, we got 25kg of Marish piper for 60 pence! ! The store were every little helps really did help lol. We sat together at the table, I put all the food down the middle and we truly feasted , we talked, laughed and even my beloved hounds got a roast.

There's enough left for bubble and squeek tomorrow to boot.

In between Sarah did some crafting and I got to spend some time reading the forum, a place I take amazing inspiration from, a huge thanks to every single person who contributes, you drive me to live in harmony with my addiction.

After dinner I wandered with the hounds and am now chilling in front of the TV.

Days like today remind me that the most important thing to me is my family, we are an awesome team and I am so proud of them all and am so humbled to be part of their lives.

I know how close I came to losing everything, I will never forget that.

My arm has healed up well, in a few weeks I will have the reward of sitting in the chair again.

Whatever the world throws my way in between I will stand and face wearing a huge smile and I will endeavour to give my all.

I invited addiction to join me and see why yesterday I didn't answer it's call.

I am worth more and more so those I love.

I do enjoy this time of the year, the leaves fall and the cold weather comforts me, food becomes hearty and robust.

Most of all it's the time to snuggle up at night; )

I asked Sarah this week if she had made the right decision in not giving up on our relationship and she made me melt with her reply.

I love her with all I have.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.