Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hiya Duncs,,bin a while, just letting you kno that i am realy ok,, i have slipped a couple of times, usualy in times of stress, but i have climbed a mountain and although i youst ta think id reached the top, i was only hanging on to the edge,,, there is no way i could go on like that so i understood , took hold, in a different way,,,,, if i was hanging on,,, wat the f,, is the point,, bin there , done that,,,,, hang on no longer , get a grip and e***n move,,, my personal circumstances have changed, and with that comes ,, for me better things...just dropping by mate , take care, never forget, we take it we done it, we fecked it, we correct the now, the future,, the past is done ... Rainman

Hi Duncan, one of my old Diary buddies, I am back again and I hope you are well fella, no doubt we'll catch up some more soon and yes I do still support Palace or just about!

Wilsy!

Evening diary.
Rainman,wilsy a blast from the past!!! You are both in the right place,this forum has given me a voice,belief and so much knowledge, I wish the same for you both.

So dear diary I haven't been about for a week,after finishing the job I was at I needed to take a time out,recharge my batteries and take stock. I achieved a great deal through putting myself through a 99 day straight but physically it took it's toll. Today I returned to work, another start, another chapter, I learnt a great deal about myself and will use my findings to carry on the path of living with control over the things that turn life into something worthy of investing everything I have to give it.
I am truly gung ho. I throw myself at whatever stands in front of me and from that if my decision making is the right one I don't see what harm I can bring,I want the best for myself and understand myself better today than I ever have. So this chapter will see me working long days but fewer every week, I plan to work five days maximum, preferably four, because I want to gift myself time to enjoy my family. I paid off a huge chunk of the debt addiction brought over the past few months and the wolf no longer stands at the door,for that I am proud and know from my efforts I created a choice.
That choice is to bring change,progressive control of my own life.
This is important, I truly understand it's value.
Addiction still lays waiting in the hope of opportunity to rule my mind again, I happily let it live within my mind I can keep it in check.
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
Abstain and maintain
Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
So an evening off,a nice supper with my beloved wife and then a quick walk with the hounds and a couple of hours watching TV before bed, I feel deeply content,no feelings that I should be somewhere else, I have felt that way for a great deal of my life, either to be working or feeding addiction,both for the same reason, escape.
Escape from what?? The situation I created over and again.
One of shame,guilt,embarrassment,who will come knocking at the door next unveiling another secret or hidden truth.
My act was to run and keep running.
Eventually I ran out of the will to run,I stopped lying to myself.
The outcome a decision, that decision would change my life forever, I unveiled the truth, I have an Achilles heal, I have a huge inner weakness and I sort to end my life as a result.
I was thawted, I was denied the opportunity and today for that I am truly humbled and eternally grateful.
I will never let my mind go back to that place, I learnt that exposing my weakness gifted me power,a power I never believed in my 42 years I could have.
With power comes great responsibility and I am learning to respect that.
I don't hate my addiction because in doing so I would have to hate myself and I loathed my inner self for too many years.
Rather than hate addiction I simply respect it and it's all consuming power.
Why do I feel different today??
What changed??
How did the inner feelings I harboured for my entire life change??
The bottom line is everything has changed,my entire mindset is that of totally new feelings.
I don't hold anxious, doom baring thoughts,I don't feel like I am owing or owned by another.
Yes I feel like an outsider, I feel uncomfortable in the company of too many people, I don't want to act like the class clown either or seek escape when I am presented with a new situation, I am just myself,take me or leave me.
I have stopped pretending, donning masks, consuming substances to get through.
I where possible abstain from such situations, but I know equally how to ride them without causing self harm.
Because that dear friend is what I have done all my life
Punished myself.
I have served a long enough sentence, I know I have the right to feel free and with that content.
I will continue to seek change, take advice and most of all look after myself.
For twenty years and more I used every reason in the book and more to repeat a devastating cycle.
I know it will always be there as an option, it will gift wrap itself,don various masks to masquerade as something worthy of my time.
And I respect that.
I will continue to live with making a choice odaat because that works,it's something to look forward to,to enjoy,embrace and relish.
I will equally continue to find new challenges and some more folk worthy of calling friends.
Many I have come to pass here,this amazing place.
I am all in, I truly know that I have nothing to lose but a great deal to gain.
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler
Abstain and maintain
Stepping forward never back.

This is a really deep and thought provoking post, thank you Duncan, I will read it again when I am struggling as there is a lot in there to ponder. It makes me think of the proverb by William Blake: "the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom."

Admins - I have accidentally clicked the 'abusive' flag for the above post and did not mean to, please ignore that!!!

I second 4D a post to read, think about and refer to when needed. We are all worthy of contentment and happiness even when we think we don't deserve it. I think I may have partly used gambling as a self punishment, I knew how it would affect me and make me feel yet I allowed it to trap me in its cycle. Breaking away was so hard at the beginning and even now thoughts come and go. Odaat is the way for me too. Have a good GF weekend, take care 🙂

Just a flyer by!

Thank you for being YOU!

Have a great weekend and yes..keep reaping the rewards of LIFE

Hugs all around

S x

Morning diary.
Thanks for your kind words all of you, they mean a great deal.
This forum has brought a great deal of things to my life,my ability to understand a computer one as when I came here I didn't even have an email address,I didn't need one I was living in my own island one desolate,one without friends,one without communication with the world outside the four walls of whichever bookmaker I was going to sit in until I had no funds and then the cycle of deception and covering tracks until the next available episode.
I just revolved in an ever decreasing circle,one of little or no purpose.
This forum outside that life gave me another purpose,one in which I wanted to learn from,I have read a phenominal amount of threads I have taken a great deal from them all.
I used to post a great deal more upon other threads but in truth I became to attached to many, they would hamper my days,I would find myself logging in at times when I should be looking after the life I gifted myself and I would find myself filling my mind with other folks problems and trying to fix them when in truth I should have been fixing my own.
I do believe through my own experience and that I have taken from many other like minded folk that the compulsion to gamble follows a very similar pattern, the cycle of destruction has a very similar final outcome for many and intervention doesn't effect that outcome it often just gifts frustration to the person trying to intervine. I was told and given some truthful well meaning advice when I was an active gambler many times over many years and I didn't listen at the time to a single word.
Addiction ruled my mind,it twisted my mind into believing that it knew better.
Today I can see what a powerful presence addiction is.
If you told me it was white,I would see black, my way was going to show you all.
I was progressively more arrogant,more aggressive towards anyone who dared to tell me otherwise.
The truth is this forum has taught me to think, when I am not faced by a person in 3d I get the ability to do so,not to stick both feet in.
The outcome I believe is profound.
I could have found a million and one excuses for my actions whilst active why I had no other choice.
Today I need just one fact to inspire me
My life is unmeasureably better without the presence of gambling.
All of my own faults and flaws remain but without running into the open arms of addiction I am able to face them and make better thought out choices as a result.
The doors of recovery have revolved a few times with me,addiction still held power.
Today I understand the value of such power.
Use the support available,stop lying foremost to myself and find great comfort and opportunity in equal measure as a result.
I have finally got busy living dear diary and I value the strength I gain having you by my side.
I am on the late shift at work today,I will enjoy it and leave it there when I finish,a life choice of work that fits my current need.
The words of my dear old very missed friend Shiny are profound in my mind
Never give up on giving up.
My friend I am glad I found the ability to hold on.
The reward is astounding.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dear Duncs

Inspiring post as all of them. I can relate so much to it I don't even know where to begin.

Many days of my life I spent trying to fix what was not broken because my distorted mind told me it was. I failed to see what actually needs fixing...& that is myself.

I concentrated on others and lived their lives figuring how to solve their problems. The thing is, I wasn't asked to do so..it just comes naturally...excessive care.

This forum has always been a platform of support/ understanding and encouragement to me. I am at home here..

Dear Shiny. I have had that privilege to meet amazing lady, we have spend quite few hours with cups of coffee in our hands mulling over life. We also visited an amazing beach and drew the peace it offered.
I haven't heard from her for over 10months now. I blame myself for this too as I seem to drop her like a hat when concentrated on wrong things.

I have never had so much respect for person. So intelligent, empathetic, supportive and understanding. I also know how high regard she holds for you...truly does like many of us.

One of massive impacts she had in my life was an outstanding reference she had wrote for my vollunteering. To this day I believe that's why I got the "job"...will be forever greatful for such inspiring lady..so so kind hearted soul.

Gone on one a little here. Sitting on a bench in the forest with my girl. Drawing the peace offered. Priceless for sure.

Look after yourself and yours..

Keep living

S&B xx

Morning dear diary
On the train to work, yesterday I cycled the 30 mile round trip to save the six pound train fare,today I have treated myself to the luxury in doing so I got to spend an extra hour with my beloved hounds,time spent watching them run themselves tired,they have returned contented to our bed!!!

A day off tomorrow, I have a few bits to do and will cook a supper we can all enjoy before sitting down to enjoy the long awaited return of peaky blinders, a truly fantastic series,something that lessons the blow of why we buy a TV licence in my mind.

This morning I wrote on flaggs thread, Sad to see him return in such troubled circumstances.
I know I am a compulsive gambler and addiction will live in hope of my return to it's call.

Today it can fookety fooik off!!!!!!!

Today I choose life without it's destruction.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
So a day off today, I got up earlier and took my beloved hounds out and we played with their lures for a good hour,well until they simple couldn't run any more!! Got home had breakfast, tripe for them eggy bread for me,did all the housework and am now having a proper chill out,they are intertwined sleeping like babies and I am catching up with myself.
I have in my mind gone from hopeless to hopeful and now I believe helpful.
My life has turned upside down but the right way up!!
I felt the doors of depression baring down on me three weeks ago, I had worked myself into the ground and left myself vulnerable,I was living that groundhog day feeling again and my fight or flight was calling for me to return to form and run.
I didn't, I addressed my work situation,one self created and took a time out,time for me,time to regenerate,to take stock and through those actions I rode the storm that was brewing within my mind.
Today I really do understand change, if I had a day off before I would find myself compelled to fill it, I would run myself into the ground, I never felt comfortable doing something for my benefit.
Today I understand the value of looking after myself and with that I give full value to life and in return I feel more comfortable with myself than I honestly ever have.
I am listening to myself the results are profound.
Yesterday I had a great day at work and without doubt pulled my weight,but when I left I left work where it belongs at work!!
Today I will enjoy the reward of this entirely new way of acting.
I get to cook for my family today,a full on roast on the cards and a pudding or two to finish off.
Then an evening with those I hold dear.
Addiction was riding around the outskirts of my mind three weeks ago looking for a way to breach my defences, I held strong and today it's back in the darkest recess of my mind.
Something has changed because I have really created the opportunity for it.
I will seek to continue creating change when its needed.
I was blinded by a belief that if I continued to repeat the same thing over and again eventually the outcome would differ.
The true definition of madness.
A lifetime of madness!!
Today I invite and embrace in equal measure the ability to maintain the things that aren't broken and replace and evolve the things that are.
The result for me is profound,the ability to live content that flawed I may be but beyond repair I am not.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dunc my friend,

Thank you for the welcome back and words of encouragement and support. I will be honest and say when I first logged back in yours was the first name I looked for.

I don't need to read every paragraph to know there have been ups and downs. I read today and see you are here and still working on you. I return to work on me and hopefully get life back on track. However, to know I can walk alongside you is a true honour.

Flagg

Morning diary
Flagg fella there was one huge elephant in my room and that was honesty,without it I just lived on a house of cards with a pillar of sand for my foundation.
It all got washed away but through it somewhere from deep inside I had a will to hang on, to keep my head above the torrent they tried to obliterate my being.
I was left with a huge pile of wreckage and from that I have started to rebuild my life.
I have a group of survivors,my wife and our three amazing children by my side, we together face all commers and whatever they bring to the door we have faced it together.
I worked those first 99 days straight and from that we laid the first solid bricks for the foundations of the life we will make of our choosing,one for the first time founded from a choice of our undertaking, not one hindered by secrets and addiction calling the shots.
Today I feel I am unquestionably able to face the truth and make educated decisions as a result.
I am an addict on so many levels, some paint a picture of impending doom if I answer their calling others add value.
I am a compulsive gambler, I am an alcoholic, I have abstained from both for an equal amount of days and my life mentally and physically is without doubt improved and will continue to do so when I take the decision to continue with my choice.
Abstinence is my decision, for the first time in my life I can write that with 100% honesty dear diary, abstinence isn't being forced upon me I am choosing it because by doing so I really can face life warts and all.
I have long term depression,it's not something that will ever leave me,I accept that there is no cure but and the huge but is I without seeking to escape my mind through the feeding of either addiction I am able to actually address the presence of any state of mind I find myself living in.
Without feeding addiction I equally don't exaggerate the episodes of depression or fuel the fires that darken my mental well being.
I also have found the ability through abstinence to feed my minds desire to learn to feed knowledge to my brain, I am obsessed with cooking, I want to produce the best of whatever I find myself presented to cook, to do just enough is not enough. I have believed that to achieve this I have to work countless hours and today know actually that's simply not true. I cook better when I am refreshed and well rested, I accept that the actions of those who cook professionally around me may differ but know ultimately I just have to look after myself, I can't change other folks actions, in doing so I don't feel the huge sense of frustration I have carried for my entire working life, I believe today I have found measure, balance and it's infectious, I give my all because I have the want to do so.
This feels like a healthy addiction, the desire to learn and push the boundaries.
By not working all the hours I have I gift myself so much more opportunities, I will use my new found sense of judgement to decide rationally which ones actually serve a purpose for me and the folk I hold dear.
I no longer want the whole pie as a result, I will happily take a slice to fill my needs and leave the rest for others or another day.
I am still gung ho. but I believe I have found focus.
I used to write a lot on new authors threads about the 'gambling goggles' we all wear as active addicts they distort our outlook, our perception of everything comes back to feeding addiction and it's never ending cycle of devastation.
Today it feels like I have a new prescription, my view is black and white, I see for the first time in my life what lays ahead,it's no bed of roses, no oil painting but it is clear to me today that I can through wholly accepting my shortfalls and making the best choice for me that whatever lays in my path can actually be of my own design.
It feels truly liberating and I am deeply humbled by the essence of it all.
I am all in, everything I have is staked on something that will in my mind never lose, abstinence
The gift that never stops giving.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary
On the train to work a short shift today, got to spend a few hours with my beloved, Sarah had a lovely new haircut today,has bravely had a long fringe cut in,I didn't think that she could look any more beautiful but I was wrong!!!! Even better the cut and colour was free as I saved the shop a great deal of money by getting a pal to paint their security shutter for a great price.
Happy days.
I am bouyed by what can be achieved when I live with my eyes open.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

Some powerful words in your posts Duncs, you seem to be in a good place. Honesty is an incredible tool. 'Only the truth will set you free' is a phrase I spent years trying to understand, I thought it meant learning the truth would help us but when I came to understand that being open and honest about everything would open our hearts and set our soul free it felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Glad to hear that you are not working so many days without a day off, look after your mind and body Duncs , you are a great inspiration to many , keep fighting the good fight, Shiny was right, never give up on giving up.

Paulds