So here we go again, after a long period of sustained abstinence, i succombed to the sickness of gambling again. I have to say i was actually winning a fair amount and then over a weekend from hell the mist came down and i was so sickeningly wrapped up in my own selfish world that I became the epitome of a GAMBLING ADDICT and all its evils and what it represents.
Let me be an example to everyone who is gone a long time without gambling and is thinking of just having a small punt, yes i can tell you that it is not a place you want to go back too.
So today is day 1 and my mind is made up, no more gambling no more selfishness no more dark feelings no more high blood pressure no more no no more !
One year today i will look back and say, this was the most important decision i have ever made in my life. Dark Place
Don't be too hard on yourself but do maintain that resolve. A Leonard Cohen song has a line which goes something like "There's a *** in everything... That's how the light gets in" (and I believe someone on this forum used that line somewhere too). Maintain that determination and slowly more and more light will illuminate that "dark place". Wishing you all the best!
Hai Mr Place
Firstly welcome and completely get the dark place this adiction places us. Think time now for
Expugno of this gambling lark and wish you well on this journey. There is a wealth of support and advice surrounding these diarys, some make sence, some dont. Dependant on the individual i guess and where we find ourselves on the path to kicking this S***e thats inflicted our lives.
Keep on keeping on
One of my fav songs. Lyrics are found there too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ma5tF6TJpA
I love this post from my friend who is addicted to gambling and posted it on his website 365 days... fantastic words
Someone said to me recently:
“It’s unfortunate but people like to read about a genuine struggle against the odds. Whether we agree or not, in the majority of cases it’s true.
What you’re going through should be written, read and reflected on by those suffering with the same addiction. You have lost sight of why you did this in the first place and you need to continue documenting your story in the hope that it deters others making the same mistakes”.
This last two weeks has found me as low as when I left hospital last September. And don’t think I haven’t been fighting - nor that I will give up.
The reality is I’ve gone from earning a six figure salary as a Business Development Manager in the City (not a boast but a fact), to having my job application to stock online grocery orders with my local Sainsbury’s’ turned down this week! It may well have nothing whatsoever to do with my site and yes, I may be a little paranoid but it is a possibility.
So…please…if you are tempted to go on another gambling episode think again.
Think of your family and what it would feel like to hurt and lose them and how the people you loved, and who loved you, will be affected for years to come.
Think of your kids and what it would feel like to see them go on another holiday without you and not even be able to give them any spending money to take with them.
Think of your ex-wife who might phone you in tears one day because she’s struggling to keep a roof over your children’s head because you’re not paying maintenance at the moment.
Think of what it might feel like to lose everything you worked so hard for and be left with nothing but crippling debt.
Think of how you might feel having to continuously ask friends for money again just to get you through the week and feed yourself.
Think about the innocent victims of your selfish addiction and its devastating repercussions that, 3 years on, you still don’t fully comprehend or appreciate.
Think about the constant struggle you may face just to keep your head above water and that, sometimes, you actually don’t want to come back to the surface for air.
Think of how you might be lucky enough to find love again only to hurt that person so much with your lies covering up your addiction that she has to take time off work as you’d made her ill - and then never getting her back and seeing her with someone else.
Think of how frustrated you might feel knowing that you’ve got so much to give, how you would work harder than ever before, start again at the ‘bottom’ with a true inner belief and burning ambition to rise again - yet no-one seems willing to give you another chance.
Think about the fact that you’re lining the wallets of the corporate fat cat Directors of the bookmaking industry who seem to think it’s socially acceptable to bombard the youth of today with a constant stream of advertising, and a gambling culture that our government condones and does f*** all about.
Think about how you might try your heart out to get any form of work again and what it would feel like to be rejected stocking food orders in f*****g Sainsbury’s’!
If you read that and you still go and gamble in the next 24 hours then even I will come round and personally throttle you.
I made a mistake in not continuing to write this for the last two weeks, I don’t mind admitting it. And for that I apologise. But I did it because it came up in job interviews and I was once asked…
”What’s more important Roger, your site or this job”?
My priority is to get a job and pay maintenance for my kids and help my ex-wife and I thought I could ‘hide’ this site temporarily.
How wrong was I!
f*** it. Can't lie or hide anymore in interviews. It is what it is.
Tomorrow I start writing again.
Today I have not gambled
Thank you for the thoughtful and honest post. I have only just begun using this site regularly and will reflect on what you've written. I too hope that the things I write in my diary serve as a warning to others. Wishing you continued strength.
And thanks for the Jackson Browne link. I adore him and had the honour of meeting him many years ago.
Thank you for that last post!
& a lazy ditto in what Carla has said as i reflect on your words.....
Paul
......so here i am into my 3rd day, been here before ! strangely feeling very strong and already calmer. Hoping that i can kick this S***e !
They say an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind ! god bless that quote ! gambling sure as hell is not honest ! its a sickening rat infested disease ! I hate it !!!!!!! happy thoughts dark place, happy thoughts.... dum de dum de dum, have a great day everyone, stay free of the gambling disease ! Dark Place
Early start today, already day 4. wishing everyone continued strength and a gamble free weekend. Dark Place
Morning Roger...
Returning them wishes right back at you. re read your post from the other day, keep dragging out that honesty and facing the truth. We will drag our sorry ar-ses out this S***e and rise back to some level ground. Its not going to happen over night and its going to be one hell of a foooking struggle, but we will endeavour and refind our middle.
Strength and honor for this day...
So after today has ended i will have been gamble free one week, might not send a lot but i can really say its an achievement after my last 4 or 5 weeks :-/ I am very pleased with myself.
I have to admit and say i miss gambling but i do not miss all the hell and pain that comes with it when it goes horribly wrong. This is why it can have no place in my life anymore, i know this and i have to remind myself all the time if i become tempted.
Have a great week evryone and stay gamble free, we are better people for it for sure !! Dark Place
Good morning Patrick.
A week sounds a hell of a lot better than the dreaded day 1, so good on you. Keep the pain, hell and shame which gambling has a habit of bestowing upon us, very close and use as a tool to bat them thoughts away.
Thought about your user name and how we have to go via light to get to a dark place. The light goes on, the light goes off and in abstinence we find that dimmer switch and eventually the light is back on. Hence with perseverance that user name will be 'lighter place'.
I sometimes imagine myself as Papillon, throwing a coconut raft in the sea as i escape devils island but in our case gambling or other demons haunting us. We've got spirit Patrick, just got to find away in tapping into it and fight this invisible enemy with in us.
Strength and Honor
Good Morning DP..
Just reaching for or even searching for that dimmer switch.
Hope alls good apart from whats bad.
I took yesterday off from work, long drive with the family to see Abraham heights in Matlock Derbyshire, i have been once before and can really reccommend it, cannot believe something like that exists in this country, belongs better in Austria or Switzerland ! from there drove to Buxton and accross the Peak district, long day but really enjoyable ! not one thought of gambling passed my mind ! how good a feeling is that. Back at work today and felling f****n good to coin Volcano's fav phrase 🙂
I tell you what, I might be a nobody at work but at least I am second in charge at home :))
Have a great day everyone and gamble free weekend. Dark Place /
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