almost 40 years addicted

thanks Stephen !

Well done on the year, great reading how far you have come.

it is a struggle every day, we are so similar, the debt one day will be gone, hold on to that thought , keep going.

Just a reminder to myself what a working day would be like....

Wake at 6:30am, grab phone look at b*****r horse meetings having previously spent an hour the previous evening looking at the cards.

Get into work 8:30 - spend next hour and a half putting bets on trying to beat the b*****r price.

Lunch - see if I can construct a few snide ew accas on the horse.

2:30pm pop out to local bookies for a few cash bets (£100 - £200 per race).

Back to work - follow races on b*****r - just watching prices change live, not the livestream.

5pm  Drive home pop into bookies on way home for another 45 minutes betting. A winner would mean a few max stake blackjack bets on the FOBT's

6:30pm  Tea

7:30pm - make some excuse to get out house for another few bets in the bookies.

9pm - 10pm look at next days markets.

I did that (or close to it) for years and years and years and years.

I haven't even included the time shuffling money from accounts, credit card balance transfers, withdrawing cash (debit & credit), moving paypal / moneybookers / skrill money about, paying cash into bank (occasionally), listening to race on the phoneline driving home (or on the toilet at home).

Oh yeah - looking for arbs on other sports as well, or value ew bets on the tennis or darts.

Or the odd times when you can't sleep and your betting on South American footie, challenger tennis from Acapulco or basketball in Philipines. Friday morning would be NRL rugby league.

Posted by: holycrosser

Well done on the year, great reading how far you have come.

 

 

Cheers, thank you 

Dear K2,

Well done, one year (and counting) is a fantastic achievement!

Wishing you all the very best,

Forum Admin 

Hi Ken,

It's been a while, just looking in on you to make sure you're ok. Hope you're staying strong & all's well.

Best Wishes

AL

Hi Ken,

Miss your crack, strength & wisdom. Just say hello that's better than nout & sincerely hope you're ok.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hi Al,

Sorry I haven't been on in a while. Bit snowed under with work. Will post properly later today. All good though

Hope all is well your end

Dear KS2,

We are glad to hear you intend to post on the forum again. 

Take care of yourself,

Fiona

Forum Admin

Hi Ken,

Post when you're good & ready, like you once said don't invest too much in other peoples recovery. You & you're families well being come first. You say all's well and that's good enough for me. Of course your posts & valuable contributions are missed not only by me but i'm sure many others.

Be proud of what you've achieved and for sure you've always been there to lend a helping hand to those of us who've wavered, struggled & almost lost heart in the early days of recovery. I ain't scared to watch a football match anymore. I'm still scared of watching ITV racing during the BIG MEETINGS, But i find the strength wisdom & resolve to simply not put the TV on or go out on those occasions.

I find pleasure in the simple things in life now,in fact for the first time in years i can say & mean it I LIKE MY NEW LIFE. Hassle free, lie free,dread free & no longer am i afraid to wake up in the morning. Am i still an addict ?, of course i am. That will never change. All i can do is get up in the mornings 1 day at a time & tell myself JUST FOR TODAY I WON'T GAMBLE. Sometimes it's hard, but nowhere near as hard as the solitary feeling of being lost in a sea of misery and trying to swim against the tide.

Look After Yourself

AL

Hi Al,

Not having a brilliant time of it recently and can't really explain why. Find myself looking at b*****r and watched racing on TV on saturday.

Can't explain why I'm doing this after more than a year and know its not going to end well if I continue do do so.

Without the online self exclusion I know I would have slipped.

Some parts of my life are fine - relationship with wife and kids good, I'm doing exercise, but other parts not so good (work mainly).

I find myself wasting time on utter trivia - on the internet, or playing dumb games like solitaire.

Not only have I stopped posting here, I rarely look at other people posts.

I'm sure its when I feel out of control in parts of my life that I let things slide.

Anyway, I know just writing this has made me feel a bit better and given me clarity on what I need to do and work on.

It's funny how just an odd post can put things in perspective.

The debt (£35.5k) weighs heavily on me but just read a post by Michael35 who joined the forum 8-9 years ago.

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/recovery-diaries/back-from-the-brink/paged/17/

"Problem is, the other 361 days which have been the problem, losing £100-£120 per gamble day"

360 days losing £100 a day - there's your £36k right there - and there were plenty of days when losses easily passed the 4 figures mark. In fact on some days losing a ton would have felt like a winner.

It's a dull old grind sometimes, but what else can we do.

And lets practice what we preach - wake up everyday and say silently "just for today I will not gamble"

Hi Ken

Really pleased to hear from you mate, despite your struggles with the dark days and temptation you're still off a bet and that in itself fills me with joy ✊Work sounds like a grind mate... I have noticed a trend along this journey that a lot of gamblers in recovery with debts hanging over (myself being one of them) are prone to become 'addicted' to the graft at some point - not necessarily to pay the money back quicker, but more really just to satisfy that insatiable and engrained programming to throw ourselves fully into something... Just putting that out there my friend...

I'm working like a dog this month, I'm in my overdraft and want to at least try and lead up to Christmas with some pounds and pennies to my name (I have my Christmas shopping money saved up thankfully) - being in the black leading up to Christmas may not be such a great conquest in the face of my outstanding gambling debts but I guess in the grand scheme of things I know myself well enough (now) to know that it will be these little details that spur me on to stay strong and stay motivated for this better life I am creating. 

What I mean is that if I can wake up on Christmas day and check my bank balance without the negative sign next to the outstanding balance then I'll probably well up a bit and be proud. It's little symbolisms like that that I certainly hold onto in my recovery, and I feel as if you are similar to me in this respect... Maybe a reassertion of goals need to take place on your part? Getting a hold of this addiction has been somewhat achieved... So what's the next chapter for Ken? (I hope you're not thinking the 2:55 at aintree at this point) ??

You've come so far buddy. You've achieved so much. We both know how instantaneous and damaging a relapse can be. Don't be that guy. 

Read your first post, read someone else's first post, look through your diary and pick out the messages of thanks and commendation you get for helping other people on their journey... Whatever you need to do to stay strong mate. Christmas is (despite public opinion) a stressful time of year and if we get caught up in not only the stress of it all but the rafts of sweeping emotion that whisk us around during the December period then we are vulnerable.

Stay strong. You know what you need to do.

re the procrastination... Had same problem. My laptop and phone are blocked up to the max now with multiple productivity apps which limit my usage of these devices at certain intervals in the day. It's working for me. Similar line to the gambling blockers, but hey - why not reinvent the wheel... If this process helped me to get on top of a stinking gambling addiction then the stars should be aligned in my favour re this electronic device escapism too?

Take care friend ? stay in touch.

Hi Ken,

You're right it ain't gonna end well if you continue. Ain't having a brilliant time of it ?. Like the brilliant times we went all in on a certainty that got beaten in a photo finish. Let's talk about brilliant times. Well the most brilliant time for me this year was being invited to my eldest grandsons school on GCSE results day, him achieving results i could only dream of. A contrast from the days his dad got his teaching degree whilst i gambled at home whilst he was being presented with it and i didn't even turn up.

It's done now & i can't change it. But oh boy results day is a memory i'll never forget, for once in my life i didn't f---k up, i was there because i wanted to be. My granndson chose a chinese meal to celebrate and i spent quality time with him, his mum & dad telling them how proud i was and not for one minute did i let thoughts of gambling infect or corrupt a wonderful day.

Am i still a gambling addict ?. Of course i am and like you some days i don't think i'm having a good time of it. 

Maybe CGs confuse inner peace with boredom. Perhaps the addiction not only tries to coerces us into thinking we need the buzz of gambling, but also we need the stress, turmoil, irrational thinking and enslavement becoming totally subservient. I believe sometimes accepting what's normal to most people can feel quite alien to people like us.

Like you i don't post as often but i read posts and every day someone who's been doing well relapses. Could be me tomorrow or the next who knows ?. There ain't any miracle cures and it is a hard old grind sometimes. We just have to get up and remember JUST FOR TODAY. Think about it Trivia, Solitaire which one's worse those things or Royal Ascot.

Look After Yourself

AL